forward-dated to late on the 17th; keeping vague abt some things
He had hoped speaking to Delight would soothe the cold ache in his chest— it hadn't. Not really. It didn't really feel real— how long had Lily been part of his life, now? Longer than many, he knew. Others had a way of cycling in and out of his life rather quickly— or maybe it was the other way around. Maybe it should have been, this time.
The Governor put off finding @Eris until the sun had almost set. Even then, he did not want to approach her— did not want to bring this particular brand of news, or face her inevitable anger. Alarian had already learned, though, that it never really mattered how much or little you wanted to do something. You just did it, because, fuck— no one else was going to. So he set off in search of his sister, looking about the same as he felt: too tired to be alive.
It didn't take long for him to find her— rather, she found him. He suppressed the urge to flinch at the bump; for obvious reasons, he was a bit on edge. Hey,
His own greeting came choked. Alarian sucked in a breath at her question, suddenly lightheaded all over again. I— Lily is gone. She left. We— there was a... an argument. She just left.
He had to take a moment, then, to breathe. Saying it made it feel real, and he was terrified of that— terrified of this whole thing. Lily had always seemed the most stable, the most committed of them; it felt so sudden and wrong. More than anything, it hurt to admit that he had driven her to this— that their places should have been switched, now. He didn't deserve to be the one still here.
She went back home,
He choked out bitterly, a little bewildered by Eris' lack of questioning about their argument, but— hey, he'd take it. Alarian was a mass of hurt and confusion, and if she wanted to be on his side, he wasn't about to stop her. Because she didn't feel wanted.
Again, bitter.
Bitter because Lily had somewhere to go when she didn't feel wanted. Bitter because Lily had someone she knew wanted her. Bitter because he knew she was wanted here, too. Alarian knew what it was to feel unwanted— what it was to want to run. He didn't fault her for that. No— he just... he almost hated her, for having a family to return to— for doing just that, when she was meant to be part of his family.
I just couldn't—
Alarian paused, swallowing hard. After— after Runion, and mom, so many things came rushing back; I couldn't be... I don't know, open enough for her, I guess? I know I'm— look, I know I'm shit with emotions and that kind of stuff— but I tried to tell her that. She just— she took it personally, when I didn't want to talk about like, my psycho fucking brother or my mom's death. Maybe— maybe normal people want to talk about that stuff, but I never advertised as normal.
He watched her reaction quietly, unable to shake the feeling of something sinking in his chest. His ears pinned back slightly, gaze soft and raw with hurt. Some part of him still held to the knowledge that he had caused this. At her words, the sinking feeling intensified.
Alright,
He agreed, voice slightly tremulous. But then— then, at perhaps the worst possible time, he remembered something else. Another painful topic he needed to speak with her about; he knew no one else he could go to with it. I— we need to establish relations. Get the word out. Would that work for a— for a break?
Then, he added in a small voice: And there's... something else I need to talk to you about.
Suddenly all he could think about was— that. The memory he had boxed and chained and covered in all manner of locks and buried somewhere deep in his mind. That single sentence, that one indirect mention set off some kind of reaction; at once it flew from the cage he had locked it in and possessed him as fully as it had when it happened— only hours ago.
It felt like both a much shorter and a much longer time. I— earlier, I ran into Aditya,
Already his voice was slightly choked. He was— upset. His mate, Dawn— that leader that visited— cheated on him. I—
He swallowed hard, wondering why this was so difficult, why his chest felt tight and his ears burned and prickled with shame and self-loathing.
I was trying to comfort him— he was angry, at her— and then he grabbed me, and then he was on top of me—
Alarian remembered to breathe, then, before he added: I said yes— he asked, when he was on top of me— and I said yes,
Another pause, this time to swallow back the nausea rising in his throat; he had said yes because he was desperate— because he was disgusting. But then it was over, and he was apologizing— and then he was gone.
His voice finally broke at gone, lowering now so his next confession was barely audible. It— it still kind of hurts, a little— he wasn't gentle. And I feel— gross— I should have said no.
Her reaction was gentle, and somehow— somehow, that broke him more. He allowed her touch, face heating and eyes stinging until finally the first sob ripped from his throat. Alarian recoiled, then, and sank down to press himself hard against the ground. I love you too,
He managed thickly in the moments before another sob tore through him, skin crawling as he considered all that he was and all that he had done.
Did he not deserve everything he had gotten? Shuddering, he drew his forelegs over his face as if to stem the tears. Unbidden, flashes of memories of the last week taunted him; everything he had done that had led him to that situation. Only Eris' question drew him from what seemed much like torturing himself— his eyes snapped to her, wide and frantic.
No— no,
Another sob nearly swallowed the words. You can't— we can't— not if we want to stay friendly with Morningside. He's important there— his mate is one of the leaders— and their main leader just died. No one can know about this.
The information was given in a desperate rush; she had to understand, there was nothing to be done. And— who would believe me, anyway? Aditya is— he's kind, and charming— and I'm a mess— I didn't even say no.
He huffed out a bitter, hollow laugh, shuddering fiercely now though the sobs had abated. It's— you know, it's not even his fault. I said yes.