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Dragoncrest Cliffs i am a rich pie filled with knowledge, i will not be eaten - Printable Version

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i am a rich pie filled with knowledge, i will not be eaten - Mallaidh - March 31, 2018


Furi does not spend much time by the water. She’s never really explored the caves beyond Hougeda. The shores north of the territory and the cape to the south is the most exposure she’s had, if she were to guess, so on this early morning, she’s made a decision for the day. With the temperatures still low in the early fringes of spring, the desire to be somewhere wet hasn’t been high up there but the sun is high and tide is low. The rays heat up the fur along her back as she slips out into the sunshine, making her way to the tide-pools that have collected when the waves retreated, and she tiptoes through cold, grainy sand until she gets used to the new texture beneath her feet.


RE: i am a rich pie filled with knowledge, i will not be eaten - Blixen - April 01, 2018



she hasn't seen furi lately -- not, this time, because of some fight they're in, but just because between rose's return and blixen's training, their routines are in flux. and it's wholly her fault, she thinks with a pang of guilt. she hasn't exactly made an effort to check in on furi, busy as she is. 

but she misses her girlfriend, and so when she catches furi's scent near hougeda she follows it. feeling the latent chill in her fur, the redhead tracks her to the tidepools, unable to help the smile that curves her mouth at the sight of furi toeing the sand. "hei!" she calls out, picking up the pace to meet her at her side, "up to anything good?"



RE: i am a rich pie filled with knowledge, i will not be eaten - Mallaidh - April 01, 2018

When she is alone, she doesn’t have to worry about talking or how she holds herself or what kind of expression is on her face. In the heat of the moment, she noticed she’s surprisingly good under pressure, like it suppresses the overwhelming anxiety that otherwise lives inside her. But, when she is alone, the anxiousness doesn’t have any barriers and she can let it slide away for a while, sorting through things quietly and just enjoy the weird feeling of sand between her toes.
 
She is tired, still, despite how much more she sleeps, and the strange texture of tiny beads feels funny—perhaps more than it should—and she focuses on the squishing feeling when she gets close to the water and how it changes when she’s further out, where the water never touches unless it falls from the sky.
 
After a while, though, she jerks when she hears someone call. The wound of the waves in the distance masked the wet footsteps her direction and she turns to see it’s Blixen. Furi is able to ease some of the tension but she smiles, flicks her tail, and shrugs her shoulder. “Not really,” she says, bored, and kicks at the dry sand near her sand-caked paws.


RE: i am a rich pie filled with knowledge, i will not be eaten - Blixen - April 04, 2018


furi's smile earns a full grin. blixen leans into her a little just because she can, watching the movement of the sand under her girlfriend's paws. "me neither," she agrees, then asks, "how's rose doing?" (well look they are still friends, despite whatever weird baggage exists between the two redheads.)

her feelings about rose keep oscillating. it's confusing and more than a little frustrating. blixen had thought that figuring out her feelings were coming from jealousy would resolve things -- especially because hey, her and furi are dating! -- but she still feelings a possessive twinge at the thought of rose and furi together. maybe because she's still not totally clear on where furi stands, maybe because rose is still... really cool and blixen likes her. maybe because she's broken? who knows. either way it makes her feel guilty, what with the torture, and poor rose. so for now she tries to keep her mouth shut about it and let furi do her.. rose thing, because rose needs support and friends right now. right?



RE: i am a rich pie filled with knowledge, i will not be eaten - Mallaidh - April 04, 2018

Seeing Blixen’s smile helps add a bit more volume to her own and she bumps against her too, turning her head to greet her with a gentle touch to her cheek. “She’s okay, I guess,” she tells her with a twist of her lips. A lot of it is still unknown to her as the other fiery girl won’t talk about what happened and Furi certainly won’t push her. Won’t even ask anymore but surely the girl knows she is there for her, when she does want to talk.
 
“I’m tired of the cold,” she says absently. The northern tundras may flow through her veins, making the winter an easy one to bear, but it does not mean she has to like it. It has been some time since their days have been warm but she can still remember them. It hadn’t been a pleasant time when she’d been alone but at least there hadn’t been snow on the ground. Most of Drageda is clear from snow the closer to the water they are but it isn’t enough to be constantly reminded of it beyond, reading for warm days and brightening spring greenery.


RE: i am a rich pie filled with knowledge, i will not be eaten - Blixen - April 07, 2018


the redhead twists, her expression intent as she watches her girlfriend speak. she's glad to hear rose is doing well -- she is! -- though whatever 'okay, i guess' means probably deserves more than a first look. unfortunately, as we all know, blixen is definitely not that sort of person. 

instead she makes a thoughtful noise, looking at the tide pools collected nearby. "hey," blixen says suddenly, bopping furi's nose with her own, "wanna splash around?" the tide is out but there's still water to frolick in -- frigid wintery water, sure, but it's all in your perspective. smiling she takes a few bouncy steps toward the lingering tide, waiting for furi to follow her.



RE: i am a rich pie filled with knowledge, i will not be eaten - Mallaidh - April 08, 2018

As if Blixen didn’t hear her at all, she suggests the exact opposite of something she wants to do. Her head turns and follows after the ginger-child toward the water but she makes no move to follow. Her brows knit between her scrutiny, flicking her tail idly. Splashing around in the water will only make her colder and, well, since she’s tired of the cold, it isn’t exactly appealing.
 
“Uhhh,” she stammers out, turning a little to face her. “No, not really,” she says, somewhat surprised she didn’t just go along with it. After a beat, she swings her head back around and looks across the sand, taking a few steps in her original direction. Furi looks back to see if Blixen will tag along or stay behind, but she does linger near the tide pool for long.


RE: i am a rich pie filled with knowledge, i will not be eaten - Blixen - April 13, 2018

maybe she's gotten too used to furi being passive, because her no takes blix by surprise. she blinks, toes submerged, and feels stupid.

"okay," she says, her expression sheepish and maybe a little disappointed as she goes to follow furi instead.  after a few beats of silence the gona tries again, more tentatively, "what do you want to do?"


RE: i am a rich pie filled with knowledge, i will not be eaten - Mallaidh - April 14, 2018

Furi doesn’t see the girl’s expression and probably for the better. Maybe. Her jaw tightens, listening hard for movement that Blixen is following. It doesn’t take long and it doesn’t make this any easier, but the girl still presses another question. A long moment goes before she even considers answering, taking careful steps through the sand while the ocean roars to her right. She doesn’t know where she’s going, or what even is up this way, that isn’t what slows her down.
 
Staggering over her steps in the ground, she halts to a stop and pointedly turns to Blixen.
 
“You told Seri,” she says, somewhat calmly. “Which was okay. But you told your mom? Without telling me?” she accuses, flicking an ear, not even considering the girl may have and she’d been too distracted to hear. No. Blixen put her in the most uncomfortable position in the world. “I don’t think I can do this. Not right now,” she tells her, glancing away. She can’t bear to look at her face. “I don’t think I’m ready.”


RE: i am a rich pie filled with knowledge, i will not be eaten - Blixen - April 14, 2018


blix doesn't know furi's thoughts, but she can keenly feel the tension rising between them. confused (jeez, she'd mostly been goofing about the splashing), she opens her mouth to -- maybe not apologise, but ask -- when furi starts talking. and blixen's stomach drops.

"i-i didn't mean to," the redhead stammers, stopping in her tracks. had it been wrong? mother ... mother hadn't said anything bad, had been happy for her, why was furi --? "i... i didn't think it was a bad thing, we weren't... a secret?" 

it takes a few moments for the full weight of furi's words to sink in. there's a roaring in her ears that isn't from the ocean. what? "i don't understand," blixen says, her voice deadly calm as a cacophany of emotions crash through her, anger and shock and fear and sorrow and guilt and confusion. "i thought you... i thought we were mutual."



RE: i am a rich pie filled with knowledge, i will not be eaten - Mallaidh - April 14, 2018

The weight of Blixen’s reaction is felt more than seen, but she can see the montage of emotions cross her face if she tries hard enough. She doesn’t want to see the pain she’s undoubtedly caused; she feels it too but Blixen won’t see that. Eyes close for a moment, listening as she stumbles over her words. Furi shakes her head as it all happens so fast.
 
“It wasn’t a secret but I just,” she pauses, struggling to find the words. Of course, Blixen doesn’t understand. When has she ever? “I don’t know how to explain it but I’m not ready. Your mom made me realize it. I still feel like I’m just a kid,” she adds. And kids shouldn’t be tied down to one person. There isn’t anyone else—well, Rose, but that’s different, right?—but she knows she hates every second of this.
 
Slowly, Furi turns her head back. “I just need my best friend right now,” she barely gets out with tears welling up in her eyes, blinking back thick droplets into her fur.


RE: i am a rich pie filled with knowledge, i will not be eaten - Blixen - April 14, 2018


furi speaks but all she can hear is the roaring in her ears, all she can taste is acid. her mouth is filled with acid, she could spit acid now, she can't speak or she'll spit acid. she can't speak.

she speaks. "what does that even mean?" the calm in her voice gives way to anger, righteous and comfortable. anger is something familiar and warm. she can make a home in anger. "what did my mother say to you?" she demands, because they were fine -- they'd been fine -- they'd been busy and a little weird with rose but nothing they couldn't solve and all she can think is what happened, what happened, and she can't make up her mind if she's madder at her mother or at furi right now or if she's allowed to be angry at either.

but her mother isn't here right now. her expression wobbles, breaks when furi's does. "i thought we were," blixen manages, but the words aren't reassuring, they're bitter and mean and the unsaid i guess we aren't hangs over them. she can't handle grief and she can't handle loss and she can't handle feelings bigger than teeth in flesh. she can't feel the shape of anything, so she clings to anger, letting the words come up unbidden now, bubbling to the surface in a desperate growl. "or -- or is rose your best friend now," and she knows it's a cheap shot but she can't help it. she is fire and spit and terror and it is all she knows how to be.



RE: i am a rich pie filled with knowledge, i will not be eaten - Mallaidh - April 14, 2018

“It’s not… that,” she tires, narrowing her eyes. Of course she said the wrong thing and Blixen is angry—this isn’t what she expected. They’re supposed to support one another. If Furi isn’t ready, this certainly isn’t helping. Were they meant to be together at all? They’re so different; maybe they’re not even compatible.
 
Furi doesn’t have a chance to say anything, though not for lack of trying. Her mouth parts to object and correct her words but she is quickly shut up by the mention of rose. Ears fall back against her head and she draws back as if she’d been struck physically. They are supposed to be past this. She holds the girl’s gaze a moment, trying to find the right thing to say but she drowns. The last thing she wants to do is fight when she’s trying to tell her something is wrong but somehow Blixen turns it around on herself and brings out something ugly. “It’s supposed to be you!” she cries, sucking in a deep breath and holding it, clenching her jaw until the muscles hurt.
 
“Not everything is about Rose. Or you. You don’t…” she cuts herself off and releases the breath. To keep from blurting it out a second time, she shakes her head.


RE: i am a rich pie filled with knowledge, i will not be eaten - Blixen - April 14, 2018


sometimes she feels like she's watching herself from outside her body, unable to stop the ugly curl of her mouth, unable to prevent the spread of her mean thoughts. once tirgatao had told her that people would understand if she was ugly and mad because of her mother, but that had been so long ago. shouldn't she have grown out of it? 

(none of this crosses her mind in the moment, watching herself fail from afar.)

her mouth opens to snap back and clicks shut instead, the hurt writ plainly across her face. "i don't what," blixen asks, her voice dangerous, ignoring the way furi shakes her head. she needs to know. she needs to know what's so wrong with her that she must be unlovable, that she can never get it good enough to be what furi wants.



RE: i am a rich pie filled with knowledge, i will not be eaten - Mallaidh - April 14, 2018

The words cut back a few seconds later, gaze too afraid to return to the fiery girl. This isn’t supposed to be how it goes. Blixen is supposed to understand and comfort her, realize that something is wrong and give her space. The girl has had everything handed to her in some way but she’s had to fight for her life the moment she left the borders of Teaghlaigh. From the wolf that attacked her to spending months on her own, starved and on death’s door, and for every ounce of respect in Drageda, which doesn’t seem to be much.
 
But it doesn’t work out that way. She loses and loses and loses again. Blixen is angry but she has others to fall back on, but who does she have for her problems? Who can she go to to understand that she hasn’t been lying this whole god damned time?
 
“You don’t see what’s in front of you. Do you think this is easy for me?” she asks, voice strained so much she can barely get all the words out. “You don’t know what it’s like. You don’t even know me.” Glass-like words cut through her mouth as the weight of everything builds up on her tongue but she can’t stand it anymore. She doesn’t even try to wait for a response as she quickly brushes by Blixen so that she can return back down the coast and get away from her.


RE: i am a rich pie filled with knowledge, i will not be eaten - Blixen - April 14, 2018


you don't know me.

abruptly her anger gives way. her legs wobble but she does not move, frozen until furi begins to move. "if i don't know you, it's because you never tell me anything!" blixen snaps, spinning on her heels. she takes a few steps forward as if to follow her but the roaring in her ears is gone, replaced with the sting of furi's last words as they echo over and over. 

"you always run away," she calls out instead, her voice choked on the words. she's loud but she doesn't know if furi will hear her or will care. "at least i don't run away," she says, this time quietly, empty words for herself, spoken to the lonely sand.



RE: i am a rich pie filled with knowledge, i will not be eaten - Mallaidh - April 15, 2018

The words hit her and she spins her head around, but does not stop her feet. A few, quick breaths are taken before she finally blurts out: “Don’t you wonder why?”
 
Furi twists her head back around and keeps talking, putting distance between them.
 
You always run away.
 
Ear ears fall back against her head and she hesitates, staggering a few steps like she wants to turn back, but she’s too far and she can’t. She’s said what she needs to and knows she can’t say anything else. Blixen isn’t there for her like she thought and, maybe, they’ve been doomed from the very first misunderstanding and their inability to learn.
 
She doesn’t have a clue where she’s going but it doesn’t matter, as long as she’s as far away from Blixen as she can be.