Moonspear as my dreams are falling apart

A grumpy, envious butt of a wild Tev. edited so that it's "fast-forwarded" a few days after their birthday

Tevinter had a shitty birthday. He supposed that he should have been a good big brother and been supportive of his twin's rise to leadership but ...Tevinter wasn't a good brother. He'd been told that enough times that finally, it sunk into his thick skull. He was a shitty brother, a shitty son; and he always got the short end of the stick, didn't he? He was the one with the vision impairment. It was him the bear had went after, and through it all he kept having it used against him, but no one seemed to stop and ask how it had torn his own life apart — because the fact of it was they were a selfish family. Every last one of them. They only cared about themselves and perhaps it was better that way, but it created the ugliness that he now had to sift through. His own twin was more favored over him, more obedient and more perfect in every way. Of course Charon would reward that, because Floki appeared to be a blind follower to Tev, even siding against their own mother and the true authority of Stavanger Bay. Instead of feeling proud as he should have all Tev could feel was his heart sinking further and weighing more than it had previously. 

The worst part was Tev had to find out through the pack howl. That made it hurt more. Like he wasn't good enough for Floki to come tell personally. Probably because he wasn't, didn't that fact alone say as much? For Tev actions spoke so much louder than words ever could and unfortunately, whether his assumptions were true or not he stuck by how he interpreted things.

The higher up Moonspear Tev climbed the colder the air felt, and he shivered violently for a moment, pressing the side of his body against the sturdy rock wall on one side of him, peering over at the drop off below him. He was up too high to be able to tell just how high he'd climbed and that was reassuring. It meant he was up high, though he was not sure if it was high enough. He felt awful because he was envious, of everything Floki was and everything his twin had (which probably included Wildfire, too. Tev couldn't be sure but he had his suspicions) while ...he got nothing, even when he made efforts. The problem was Tev couldn't be obedient and he wasn't going to blindly follow someone simply because they were his brother (especially when said someone insulted him, which, no, he's not over). Again, Tev felt the painful consideration that he should have went with Scimitar when the Frostfur had nearly begged him to. Because then he wouldn't know and he wouldn't care so damn much and feel so miserable about caring.

He found an outcropping and went as far as he could before he reclined back, squinting against the harsh breeze that chilled him to the very bone. Maybe if he was cold enough, if he stayed up here then he wouldn't think about anything than how frigid it was. He'd always thought that Floki and him would lead together, someday. That'd always been his dream, because they were a pair. You couldn't have one without the other, and stupidly, that was the train of thought Tevinter had reverted back too; but Floki appeared to be doing just fine on his own and even Thistle was coming around — not that Tev accredited that to his reappearance. Surely, his mother would have came around even if he wouldn't have came back. 

And then there was the pit in his stomach that told him that he would never be like Ragnar, no matter how hard he tried; and then fact that him thinking anyone needed him was a massive (and not funny, mind) joke. “Yeah, happy birthday to you, Tev.” He murmured bitterly into the frigid air, puffing up to glare icily at the distant and dark horizon, as if he were nothing more than a ghost (which was what he felt like these days).

>)

In the days since his promotion, Floki had spent more time with Charon. He shadowed his brother around Moonspear, listening to any advice that the Alpha was willing to give him. So far, it didn't seem like being Beta would be all that difficult -- with two confident and competent leaders like Charon and Amekaze, Floki found that his main job was to act as their second-in-command. Anything they needed him to do, he was happy to oblige.

This, of course, meant that his outriding had fallen to the wayside for the time being. He missed the freedom of roving the wilds, but knew that it was important that he focus on the new job that had been bestowed upon him. As soon as he felt able to, however, he wanted to take a trip with Wildfire. She, of course, had been supportive of the shift in hierarchy -- but strangely enough, Floki hadn't seen hide nor hair of Tevinter. He, too, had ascended into the adult ranks, and it didn't even occur to the new Beta that his twin would be unhappy with the way things had played out.

It was easy enough to track Tevinter once the sun went down. Floki knew that he was more active in the dark due to his visual impairment. He followed his brother's scent into the upper reaches of the mountain, until he spotted a flash of silver in the moonlight. "Tev," Floki called as he rounded a bend in the path, careful as he placed his paws near the edge.

<3 *coughs* >;p

Tev hadn't wanted company. In fact, he'd been doing rather well with avoiding company though this had likely only accomplished because he'd spent a few days away from Moonspear, camping out in Ouroboros Spine to ensure that he didn't have to come in contact with anyone for a time. It had helped him to clear his head a bit, though being left alone to his thoughts and plans had simply allowed his resolve to harden. Ragnar hadn't backed down. Neither would he. When Ragnar had not immediately gotten what he wanted he kept pushing. So would Tev. Perhaps Ragnar had held a distinct advantage (at least in experience) but Floki wasn't any more experienced than Tev himself; and surely bossing around your siblings counted for something. It was the same thing but with more and very real power. It was a responsibility. Tev understood this ...and wanted it. They had wanted Jorunn back ...and they would have him. Arrogance, dominance and stubbornness galore. All of it. The timid (and perhaps even polite) boy he'd became in the presence of the Frostfurs was gone, at any rate. Dead. Whatever. He had nothing to fear anymore; and if worse came to worse he could survive on his own (though Thistle swore she wouldn't stand for it, but she had no power he reasoned. Charon had stolen that away from her).

There was a distinct sound of footfalls against the rocky terrain of the mount and Tev visibly rolled his eyes at the horizon and contemplated climbing higher. But the frigid air was harsh in his lungs as it was and he didn't particularly want to climb any higher, for his own safety. Given that he didn't want to fall to his death with a misstep it appeared as if he was going to have to deal with company, but there was nothing that said he had to deal with it gracefully (because had no intentions of it).

The voice that greeted him, as familiar to him as his own brought with the feel of a knife twisting in his heart. Pained. Because he wanted to be acknowledged as Floki was, because he wanted to be Beta too, because he felt horrible for not feeling proud and happy for him. It was a struggle and one hell of a tightrope to walk; but he was determined to walk it. He wished his brother would not have sought him out. His birthday had passed without much notice ...at least this was how it felt to him. No one had celebrated it with him. No. He was Floki's shadow now. Barely existent. Tevinter was not born to be a shadow, however and he would not stand being cast aside like he was some spare.

He was the dominate of their litter. He was the Kjalarr — the Nourisher. It was him that Odinn favored.  Tev should have trusted in the Allfather ...but the truth was he didn't. He made his own fate. For a long moment the older twin was silent before, slowly, he spared Floki a glimpse over his shoulder. He wasn't mad at Floki. Not really. His issue lay with Charon at the end ...it always did. “Congratulations,” It was blunt as he spoke it. Stoic. Good. Stoic was good. “I never knew you wanted to be a leader,” Tev spoke absently. “that was always my thing.”

When Tevinter turned to face him, his expression wasn't as warm and welcoming as Floki had expected. It was startling enough to stop him in his tracks, and he tilted his head to the side as he regarded his twin brother, gazing into the fragmented mirror. Tevinter's tone of voice wasn't accusatory or angry; rather, it was flat and lacking affect as he pointed out the fact that Floki had never aspired to become a leader.

He blinked. Yes, when they were very young, Floki had deferred to Tevinter naturally. The older of the twins had a stronger personality and had made it clear from the start that he was dominant. But they had been apart during some of the most formative weeks of their life, and during that time Floki had grown into a more independent wolf. He very much looked up to Charon, but the Alpha often treated him as an equal, never looking down on him or making him feel inadequate. Rather, Charon had built him up over the last few months, and now that Floki had been given time to think about it, he realized that it was a fairly natural progression.

"What do you mean, your thing?" he asked with his brows raised. "I've learned a lot from Charon," he explained truthfully. Floki may not have been a born leader, but he had, in a way, been groomed for the position.

*cue Tev's special ruining his life music* Also I feel so bad b/c Tev is so rude. it's like ragnar all over again, ;-;

There was a lift to Tev's brow when Floki questioned his statement, placing an emphasis on your. “Just what I said,” Tev responded with a shrug of his shoulders. “It was always my desire.” Lying to Floki seemed pointless since they shared that connection; something that transcended anything that Tev could explain to anyone. He was afraid that he would lose Floki ...but at the same time he wasn't born to be a shadow and he sure as hell wasn't going to put up with always being the spare, nor would he take being bullied. Not by Charon. Not by anyone. Tev was a fighter by nature, and he wasn't going to lay down and take a beating which...was exactly what he'd done when the night of his reunion with them. More or less let Charon beat him down; and there was the knowledge that no matter he did it never seemed to be enough for Charon. Tev was done trying to appease and he was done kissing ass. A snort left Tev's black, leathery nostrils when Floki spoke that he'd learned a lot from Charon. “Because Charon's a great leader,” He said a bit sourly. Maybe Tev was jealous that Floki idolized Charon ...because that wasn't Charon's role to take. Tev was selfish (yet another trait he'd gleamed from Ragnar) but he was also Floki's twin. He didn't want to balance without him because ...there was no balance. They were like Yin and Yang. Harmony and Discord. Light and Dark. Sin and Virtue. 

“Because a great leader acts like he's the victim and talks shit about things he doesn't know or understand, and bad mouths wolves that he's never even met. Wolves that without I wouldn't even be alive right now. Because a great leader takes advantage of the true authority of a pack and makes a decision behind her back as if she was nothing but a pawn to use in his game to elevate himself,” He was angry for Thistle and he could see when his mother and him had spoken about it that she was still hurt by it. Perhaps even miffed, secretly. Would Thistle ever speak up about it? Tev didn't know. Didn't have to know because he'd do it for her. “That still hurts her, y'know; and I hate to tell you but those aren't the qualities of a good leader.”

He was angry. He was hurt that he wasn't even, a little bit considered. Hurt that no matter what he did he never was good enough. He was the lowest of the adult ranks ...how was that supposed to make him feel? To jump for joy? It never would because...he was too much of Ragnar's son. Maybe that was the entire issue. He didn't really know. “You have the potential to be a great leader like Dad Floki...maybe you should follow your own tuition instead of trying to be like Charon.” Because as far as Tevinter was concerned Charon wasn't a good leader. Ragnar had been a good leader. Thistle had been a good leader. Scimitar had been a good leader and from what he'd seen of Amekaze she was a good leader. But he had yet to see anything he considered good about Charon's supposed "leadership" skills.

Tevinter explained that leadership had been something he had always aspired to earn. It made sense, and the simple statement earned nothing more than a shrug from Floki. There would still be opportunities for Tevinter to achieve his coveted goal, but the way their lives had played out thus far had dictated Floki's promotion. It wasn't his fault that they had been attacked by a bear and that Tevinter had been swept away by the ocean; nor was it his fault that Charon had been essentially the only family member that Floki could rely on during his childhood. They had no more control over the events that had occurred than, say, the weather, and Floki couldn't help but resent the underlying message behind Tevinter's words -- that he didn't deserve to be Moonspear's Beta.

But it was what Tevinter said next that made Floki's blood boil. He went on to criticize Charon and his actions over the last few months. From Floki's point of view, Tevinter had no leg to stand on -- he hadn't been there in Stavanger Bay as winter bore down on them and their numbers dwindled, wolves disappearing like melting snow. He stood up for Thistle Cloud now, but he hadn't been there when she spent hours upon hours in her den, not tending to her one remaining biological son. Floki held no ill will towards Thistle, but it was simply the truth; she hadn't been fit to care for him after Ragnar's death and the subsequent loss of Jorunn, Ragna, and Kaylan. It had been too much for her. And Charon had been there for him.

"It was Charon that saved this pack," he spat vehemently. "If it wasn't for him, where would we be? A pack of three trying to survive on the coast. The winter would have done us in," he said. He stood by his brother's decision to merge the pack with the Sunspire; it was true that the decision had seemed rash without Thistle's blessing, but in the end, she, too, had supported her adopted son. She had been the one to instate him as her Beta, hadn't she? That meant that she trusted his judgment.

Narrowing his eyes, he considered Tevinter's words. He could be great like Ragnar -- a wolf who had blindly followed a faith that had ultimately led to the loss of his eye and his death? Perhaps, had Ragnar lived past the first few weeks of Floki's life, he would have learned to appreciate the Viking gods and traditions. But it wasn't something that had been instilled in him, and it had not come to him naturally. He had no dreams of Odinn; why believe in something that he couldn't see?

Lowly, he replied, "What if I don't want to be like Ragnar?"

“But look at what he did to get to that point,” Tev spat right back. He didn't want hear about how Charon was such a hero. Charon was the furthest thing from a hero to Tevinter, who clearly didn't share any sort of ideals with his twin. “He stepped out of rank, instead of discussing the idea with mom, who was his superior. He just made the decision himself.” Would he have done that when Ragnar was around ...well from the stories Tev had weaseled out of Thistle Tev liked to think it would not have went over well at all. There would have been blood. “You and Charon act like she isn't anything just because dad died!” Maybe it wasn't true, but that's how Tev took it and that was what he was sticking with. “If I were her and my Beta did that I'd be pissed!” Probably even would have fought them...but Thistle was took kind. Tev had his own bone to pick with her, feeling that she'd given in too easily. Let Charon walk all over her and tell her what they were going to do. Uproot her and the family from Stavanger Bay ...a territory Ragnar had chosen specifically for them.

“Who is he? He's not even blood. Who is he to make the decision where our family stays and goes, huh?” His absence didn't even matter. He was angry for being separated from them, for losing his home, for losing his father, for Charon mistreating him, and angry at ...everything. Coupled with the intense amount of jealousy and the wounds his pride was currently suffering from he wasn't in any sort of mood. “As opposed to being like who? Charon?” Tev scoffed. “Open your eyes Floki and take a break from worshiping the ground he walks on for two fucking seconds. He's not the saint you think he is. You were there the day I joined. You heard and saw him treat me like shit, talk down to me like he had any right. Like I fucking chose any of this and you did nothing.” Because that'd been bothering Tev too, secretly.

By this point, Floki's frustration was growing so great that he was having trouble digesting his brother's words. For everything he said, Tevinter had a retort; eventually, Floki was just shaking his head, his teeth clenched angrily. It all seemed to boil down to Charon, but nothing that Tevinter could say would change Floki's opinion of his older sibling. The scarred twin repeatedly called Charon out for his mistakes and rash behavior, and ultimately denounced him as a family member.

This was the last straw for Floki. "I can't help what happened to any of us in the past, but I'm sorry that your life has been so shitty," he spat, blue eyes flashing with anger. "It's obviously all Charon's fault, you're right. Because his life has been perfect, hasn't it? He is our brother, because Mom and Dad took him in when his parents died. You can't play the victim all the time, Jorunn," he said with a huff.

He began to turn his shoulder towards Tevinter, preparing to leave. "I'm not going to stand here and listen to you criticize Charon and me," he concluded stonily. "If you have a problem with the way things have turned out, then you don't have to stay." Even as the words passed his lips, his blood ran cold. He didn't really want Tevinter to leave Moonspear -- and knew somewhere deep inside that he wouldn't -- but he couldn't bear to look this wolf in the eye any longer. It was too painful to see his own face reflected back at him but not recognize it at all.