Redhawk Caldera Throwback Thursday

Peregrine felt hungover when he woke this morning. Not only did he feel stiff and creaky, his stomach was sour and his head pounded something fierce. Trying not to think of the prior night's events, he hauled himself to his feet and immediately left the rendezvous site. He sought water, which helped settle his stomach, and walking around helped work some of the kinks out of muscle and bone. But his head still hurt, particularly around the socket housing his blind eye. Peregrine steeled his jaw, ignoring it as he set off to hunt.

He returned to the rendezvous site an hour later, a rabbit in his mouth. Peregrine went straight in search of @Elwood, @Eljay, @Liffey and Lagan. Maybe he was a shitty father but he liked to think he was still a halfway decent Alpha and provider. "I brought some breakfast," he announced after dropping the kill and coming to a stop a few yards away from where the Blackthorn family usually slept. The headache was still there, though duller now.

rudely inserts self

Peregrine might think he was a shitty father, but especially since Jackrabbit's departure, all was well in Gannet land.  He might be discomfited by the tension he sensed among his family, but it neither dampened nor affected in any way his affection for them.

So it was a happy surprise to run into Peregrine when he too had been hoping to find a min-Fin or two.  As soon as he spotted him he made a beeline, galloping up to affectionately bump his head against the alpha's side in a happy hello!

Elwood stirred at the sound of Peregrine's voice, slowly pulling himself into consciousness. He blinked away the last tendrils of sleep, his mind grasping at the hazy edges of a dream that was gone before he could fully comprehend it. He lifted his head, licking his lips to cure himself of a dry mouth as he glanced around, instinctively looking for Finley and Lucy -- only to be disappointed when the weight of reality settled itself firmly on his shoulders.

He sighed heavily as he pushed himself into a sitting position, tipping his chin upward to stretch his neck and spine before standing. Peregrine's dark figure came into his line of vision, accompanied by Gannet's lighter and more slender silhouette. Despite the fact that his own family was still depressingly incomplete, Elwood couldn't help but smile at the sight of the Alpha and his son. "Thanks," he replied, eyeing the rabbit hungrily but refraining from digging in just yet.

"How's it going?" he asked, his gaze straying to the healing wound on Peregrine's shoulder that had been inflicted by Ferret.

Though he hadn't been there because he was watching Liffey and Lagan, Eljay remembered that daddy had told him about Uncle P getting hurt and Ferret being thrown from the pack. Yet the words had only passed on through half-assed, the majority of Eljay's mind occupied with a swarm of worries in regards to mommy. He wanted her back; he wanted she'd never left at all, actually. He had pleaded with her and yet she had gone. All he thought was real turned out to be based upon false assumptions. Anyone else could've looked for Lucy to prevent mommy from getting hurt again. And if mommy would get hurt over and over again despite his pleas, was this world even worth living in? He found himself spiralling into depression and the only thing that would keep him happy was seeing Liffey and Lagan. Even daddy could not cheer him up, because Eljay knew that daddy was as sad as he was; his entire demeanour screamed this truth.

So when Uncle P and Gannet showed up, and Eljay watched daddy get up and go towards them, he just remained on the floor. He'd tried to be brave, he'd tried to be strong; but with each passing day of mommy not being there he was giving up on those things and dwindling into the acceptance of who and what he was — not strong and not brave, and mommy-less. He rolled his eyes up to look at them once, licked his lips, and then averted his gaze again, staring at a speck of dust on the ground in front of him, feeling empty.

Glad y'all joined! :D

He heard the patter of footfalls just seconds before Gannet's head butted into his shoulder. Although the impact jarred him and made his head throb, Peregrine honestly couldn't have been more grateful for the easy display of affection. He growled approvingly and bent to nibble fondly at his son's ear. Peter, Ferret and Jack were gone. Whip was a mess. But here was one sprog who hadn't gone horribly wrong. The Alpha punctuated his affectionate gesture with a lick to the boy's nose and a quiet, "Heya."

Then Elwood and Eljay were stirring. Well, the Beta male stood and came to greet him but his eldest son hung back looking utterly bereft. Peregrine gave him a sympathetic look and then focused his attention on Elwood. He saw the Beta looking at his shoulder and he rolled it to show that it was more or less healed. He would bear the scars forever but the pain was minimal at this point.

He opened his mouth to answer with some platitude or other but Peregrine glanced at Gannet, then back to Elwood before admitting, "Whip tore himself up last night. I don't really understand what's going on with him." He paused. "Aside from this one here," he added, bumping his shoulder against his pale son's as he tried to make light of a very dark situation, "this year's litter was a bust, I guess." His jade eyes dropped, realizing the tastelessness of that joke. He sighed and shook his head at himself.

"How are you guys? Hanging in there?" he asked, lifting his head and gazing past Elwood's shoulder to look at Eljay again. "How're the twins?"

Peregrine seemed to perk up a bit and greeted him warmly, much to Gannet's delight.  He returned the lick to his nose with a couple of eager ones to the chin, then got out of the way as Elwood came up to speak.

He didn't listen too closely when Peregrine spoke of Whip; he didn't understand the meaning.  Perhaps when he saw the wounds the pieces would fall into place, but currently the idea of someone harming themselves so decisively was beyond his comprehension.  Besides, he was distracted.

He could practically feel the depression emenating off of Eljay, his body language told it so clearly.  For these first months, Gannet had never been much of a talker.  He instead preferred to let actions speak for him - an enthusiastic hello, an invitation to play, a plea for affection.  But he was beginning to learn that there were some things words were good for.  Things that gestures and expressions couldn't quite get across.

His ears tilted and he glanced at Peregrine, then noting the continued conversation, traipsed over to his elder 'cousin' instead.  He looked at him frankly for a minute, head tilting slightly.  "What's wrong?" he asked, the question quiet.  Perhaps 'are you ok' would have been the less direct approach, but the answer to that one was obvious.  Nothing about Eljay looked ok to the younger boy.

It was perhaps the lack of movement that drew Elwood's attention to Eljay; the youth was his parents' shadow, constantly accompanying them -- much like Gannet with Peregrine, presently -- but he was conspicuously absent. He glanced back to see his son splayed flat on the ground among the underbrush, offering no movement to greet his packmates save for the movement of his eyes. Elwood frowned, but wouldn't push Eljay. They were all under a great deal of emotional stress.

He turned his gaze back towards Peregrine and Gannet, expecting a bit of small talk, but his mouth fell open in surprise when Peregrine filled him in on what had happened with Whip. "What do you mean, tore himself up?" he asked, his ears tilting back at Peregrine's wry joke. Even the normally humorous Alpha male couldn't manage to make light of what had happened to the pack's puppies.

Gannet moved past the adults and spoke quietly to Eljay, while Elwood answered Peregrine's questions. "Yeah, hanging in there. The twins seem to be doing fine," he replied. Liffey was as sprightly as ever, and while Lagan had been troubled for a short while about his sister's disappearance -- especially considering he had witnessed it -- he had mostly recovered and returned to his cheerful, gap-toothed self. Elwood glanced at Gannet and Eljay, wondering how the older boy would respond.

Eljay looked away guiltily when daddy looked at him, licking his lips in submission. He wanted to be happy, he really did, because he knew daddy didn't need any more trouble in his life... But this burden only spiralled him further into his depression. He wanted mommy back, but with each passing day it felt like she would never return.

His eyes rolled up as Gannet addressed him personally, asking him a question so direct it might have startled him had he been his regular self. But now it did nothing, nothing except, perhaps, brief relief that he could bring his woes to the surface, if only for a little bit.

There was sorrow in his eyes as he admitted, voice squeaky and shaking like a frightened child's: "I miss mommy." Those words were all that he could muster before he resorted to a series of short, shaky sobs paired with gasps for breath that were clearly intended to keep the tears from pouring out.

Gannet moved closer to Eljay and Peregrine nodded his approval, hoping his son would cheer up his nephew like he had him (way too many masculine pronouns in that sentence, whoa). His own attention remained on Elwood. He frowned darkly at the initial query, then nodded again when Elwood spoke of Liffey and Lagan. At least they were doing well. Peregrine would not overlook even the smallest blessings.

"He gouged his own legs," he said quietly, grateful Gannet had moved closer to Eljay. Hopefully he could spare them this. "Junior did that to herself once too. It just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. It doesn't make sense." He shook his head. He really didn't even want to linger on the topic.

"Has Fin been back at all?" he couldn't help but wonder. Peregrine hadn't seen or heard from their former Beta female in quite a while now. He didn't like that she just vanished like that for weeks on end, though he understood at the same time. "The kids, they need their mother here," he said quietly, half-blind gaze shifting to rest on Eljay's slumped form. His gaze lingered there for several beats before moving back to the Beta male. "And you need your wife."

Lucy needed all of them too, he knew, and Peregrine hoped she was still out there and would be rescued. The Alpha sighed through his nostrils, wondering if and when that day would come, when the Blackthorn family would be reunited back here at the caldera.

Gannet considered this admission for a minute before nodding.  His mother was here, and always had been, but he could imagine somewhat how upset he'd be if she wasn't.  If she disappeared, like Peter or Lucy or even Ferret.

He sensed somehow that he should keep talking, and he stepped over closer, sitting down to rest against Eljay.  "Where did she go?" He asked, not having been told about this to his recollection.

Elwood grimaced as Peregrine lowered his voice and gave a brief account of what Whip had done to himself. He couldn't imagine what would make a young wolf turn to self-harm, and it was apparent that Peregrine didn't understand it either -- even though this was the second of his children that had done so. The Beta male didn't comment further on it, opting to shake his head sadly instead.

The conversation shifted to one of the many elephants that seemed to occupy the caldera's space as of late -- Finley's absence. Elwood had lost track of how many days she had been gone; he missed her, and he worried for her safety, but he had seen the glint of determination in her eye before she left. He knew that she wouldn't return until she knew of Lucy's whereabouts. He shook his head again and said, "No. She won't be back until she finds Lucy, I'm sure, but I wish I knew where she was." That made the whole situation all the more difficult; he didn't know the physical location of his daughter or his mate.

Gannet and Eljay were murmuring quietly amongst themselves, though Elwood could hear the strained sound of Eljay's voice and the telltale gasps that indicated that he was close to tears. When he looked at them, he smiled faintly when he noticed that Gannet had positioned himself right next to his cousin, offering support with his presence. Turning back to Peregrine, Elwood asked, "Any good news around here lately?"

Uncle P and daddy continued to talk among each other, while Gannet moved a bit closer. Eljay barely noticed this, so inwardly focussed was he; not until he felt Gannet's fur touch his. He startled for a moment, hackles prickling as the only sign of his discomfort, but then they settled down. He tried not to think unhappy thoughts but it was hard in the light of the current situation.

"I d-don't know," he murmured. "Mommy's looking for Lucy. But what if... if she gets hurt and never comes back?" He looked up at Gannet with shimmering eyes while he tried not to panic. The thought of losing mommy forever was unbearable to Eljay.

The saying went that no news was good news. But in Peregrine's experience, no news sometimes meant that you never saw someone again. He tried not to think about that in regards to Finley or Lucy, shaking his head as if trying to rid himself of that line of thought. It made his headache flare up again, as if his brain was slightly too small and rattling around inside his skull. He winced slightly and stopped all motion, waiting for the ache to die down again.

In response to Elwood's question, he blinked and thought for a moment, jade eyes dropping to the rabbit at his feet. "I brought breakfast?" he said weakly, nudging the carcass toward the Beta male before sparing a glance at their sons. It looked like Gannet was trying to comfort Eljay but not succeeding particularly well.

A sudden and terrible thought struck the Alpha and he looked back into Elwood's face. "You don't think Eljay would hurt himself, do you?"

Gannet stayed quiet for a moment, considering.  He wasn't the most keen when it came to what to say, but slowly he was starting to understand that this sharing was a thing he liked.

Gestures were still his go-to, so while he thought, he started grooming his cousins neck (if allowed).

"Maybe," he finally said, once again completely blunt.  He paused, young mind working away.  "Why don't you see?"  From here there was nothing Eljay could do, and sitting here was just making him sad.  So why not go look? It's what Gannet would do if he was in that position.  "I can come." He offered, tilting his head at his cousin questioningly.

Elwood glanced down at the food that Peregrine had provided, though he no longer felt hungry. Still, he gave his friend an appreciative smile, knowing that even if he didn't make a meal of it now, it would be valuable later. He could even share it with Liffey and Lagan, who were growing like weeds. Peregrine's sudden change in expression coupled with his dire question caused Elwood's brows to draw together with concern. Could Eljay bring harm to himself?

"I don't think so, but you never know..." Elwood murmured. Peregrine knew better than anyone. He probably hadn't expected Junior or Whip to take the drastic measures that they had. They could only hope that Whip wouldn't follow in his older sister's footsteps in any other way.

The boys had been talking quietly, but it was hard to ignore the escalation of Eljay's voice. Elwood could clearly hear the panic in his son's tone, though Gannet's words remained calm. But when Elwood realized just what Gannet was suggesting, he forgot about Peregrine's proffered breakfast and pivoted, bracing himself for Eljay's reaction. Gannet made it sound so easy, but he suspected Eljay wouldn't feel the same.

There was a long and painful silence between them and Eljay licked his lips uncertainly, a guilty expression on his face; almost as though he felt guilty for the silence between them. It felt uncomfortable to him, like he had said or done something wrong to make Gannet uncomfortable, unaware his cousin was just thinking away. He wasn't particularly focussed on the adults' conversation; picking out some words here and there, but too few to make sense of it as a conversation.

His ears flattened when Gannet suggested going looking for mommy and he looked away. He said uncertainly, "Uncle P said that I was needed to look after Liffey and Lagan." He remembered from the day mommy'd left him, when he had wanted to go after her. He still wasn't sure if Uncle P had meant those words or if he was just saying them to justify Eljay staying home, knowing that he'd want to, but it hardly mattered as he used it as an excuse now.

His stomach felt hollow for even contemplating it and Elwood's answer did not exactly reassure him. Peregrine opened his mouth to tell the Beta to keep a close eye on his son when he, too, overheard Gannet offering to go looking for Finley with his cousin. Elwood pivoted and the Alpha followed suit, trying to catch his son's eye and shake his head. But Gannet was looking at Eljay and so Peregrine knew he had to speak up.

"That's right, Eljay. We need you here. Both of you," he said, including Gannet. "This pack can't afford for any more of its members to go out looking. Finley's out there, as well as Trick and Shrike. The rest of us need to stay put to support the pack. We need Eljay here to look after his brother and sister and we need you to help with hunting, patrolling and the like," he concluded, speaking mostly to Gannet there at the end.

"As a matter of fact, why don't we go do that? A patrol, I mean. C'mon." Although he knew Gannet had only been trying to console Eljay, he figured nothing good would come of it if they kept talking. He might only upset the older boy further. Peregrine gestured emphatically at the white juvenile to come along, then said, "We'll check in with you guys later." He gave both Elwood Sr and Jr a meaningful look and a tentative smile that did not reach his eyes before motioning at Gannet again and moving away from the Blackthorn lair.

Gannet nodded at Eljay's reason.  It made sense, him having to look after Liffey and Lagan.  They had to protect them after all, and who better than their big brother.  It was too bad he had to be sad while he did though.  Gannet would have liked to have helped him stop worrying.

Gannet's ears tipped back when his father jumped in to reinforce and further shoot down the plan.  He didn't mind - it had only been a suggestion, but apparently a bad one.  However, he didn't want to leave.  Eljay was still sad.

His father seemed to have other ideas though, and Gannet's posture dropped with the uncomfortable feeling he'd done something wrong.  He pressed his nose to his cousin's cheek, then tentatively went to follow Peregrine.

Rather than fall to pieces, Eljay managed to give a perfectly reasonable response to Gannet. Elwood released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding; truthfully, he wasn't sure if he could have handled his adult son's meltdown, what with all the stress he was carrying on his own shoulders. He flashed a watery smile at Eljay, just as Peregrine stepped in and provided a more detailed answer, agreeing with what Eljay himself had said.

He then suggested a patrol to Gannet and the boy obliged his father, though there was a noticeable droop to his ears and tail. Elwood felt bad, especially since Gannet hadn't done anything wrong -- in fact, he had been trying to do the opposite by cheering up his cousin. "Thanks for the breakfast," he called after the Redhawks, then shuffled back towards Eljay. He nosed his son's cheek reassuringly and murmured, "Want to go see what Liffey and Lagan are up to?"

Elwood stepped away, hoping that Eljay would accompany him -- but if not, he would hunt down the twins himself for some family time.

Uncle P stepped in to confirm that he had indeed asked Eljay to stay to look after his siblings. Yet it still felt like an excuse more than anything else. For now it would have to do though. Eljay was about to apologise to Gannet that they couldn't follow through with his plan when Uncle P intervened again to suggest a patrol.

There was a noticeable droop in Gannet's demeanour, and Eljay felt terrible for making him feel bad. "Bye," he murmured while he shot Gannet an apologetic look. It didn't help that daddy seemed to feel bad about it, too. With a sad expression Eljay watched as Gannet and Uncle P left, then looked at daddy who suggested hanging out with their siblings.

"I'll join later," Eljay mumbled, looking away guiltily as he rejected the offer, knowing daddy wanted him to say yes and have fun. But he wouldn't have fun even if he joined, so what was the point in pretending? Eljay didn't want to bother daddy with his pain, so he'd rather be alone.