Broken Antler Fen All I did was fail today

a bit of a darker thread but AW for anyone who wants to thread with Ms.Batshit here

There was blood; on his fangs and hers, staining her white fur where he had ripped her flesh, between her hindquarters where he'd ripped her open from within. 

Rust fur, green eyes, brute strength that could force her to her knees. Satisfaction was what he wanted and that was what he sought by violating her. 

"You deserve this." 

The tiny voice's past words finally tore her from the nightmare. She was panting, sweat clinging to her skin as she whipped back and forth within the den in search of her rapist. He was, of course, nowhere to be seen.

Liri rose to her paws, rushing from the den as silently as possible for fear of waking her den mate with her panic. The last thing she wanted was for anyone to find out how much he had effected her. 

She wasn't sure how long she ran but Liri found herself somewhere within the territory, a small clearing surrounded by bare icy trees. Drawing to a halt; she panted and came to stop in the middle of the clearing. 

"Deserve it, deserve it, deserve it." Liri's ears twitched as if the voice were near her rather than within.

"Shut up," she hissed, giving her a head a violent shake. "You're not real." 

"Real, real, real." The tiny voice was practically cackling with glee at this point. 

"I made you up because I'm weak," Liri snarled, stomping as she paced; she continued to shake her head so hard it rattled and pounded against her temples.

"Wrong, wrong, wrong." 

"Shut the fuck up," Liri cried loudly, whirling on her paws and beginning to beat her head against one of the ice covered trees.

It wasn't hard enough to seriously hurt her but her forehead split after several bangs; crimson blood coated the ice and stained her fur.

*tackles thread to take care of the tormented bb*

Pearl woke with a troubled start and a kind of feeling that something wasn't right. She glanced around, wondering if it were a child or Odette with a nightmare. When they all seemed to be sleeping soundly, she furrowed her brow and gingerly made her way out of the den. Perhaps it was nothing, she told herself.

Her eyes fell upon a set of tracks in the snow, freshly laid. The pale woman tilted her head. Maybe her suspicions were correct?
Only one way to find out. 

She followed the tracks at a pace that greatly quickened once she heard an unfamiliar voice snarling at something in the distance. 'Shut the fuck up'  was the next thing she could make out a short time before coming to a white and crimson scene. A wave of regret washed through her, feeling awful she wasn't faster. Not wanting to startle her scarred look-a-like, she watched her for a second before speaking. "Are you alright?" she spoke softly. She obviously wasn't, but what are you supposed to say to a wolf you haven't actually talked to?

Somewhere in the recesses of her mind, in a dark corner where her sanity was hiding, Liri could vaguely recognize that this woman's scent must mean that she was an Alpha. Furthermore, she must be Pearl, Sebastian's mate that had been mentioned in passing once or twice though she had never actually met her.

The same part of her mind would later recognize that she was a large woman of tall and muscular proportions; other than the fact that she loomed over Liri like one of the nearby trees, they could have been twins. 

That part of her brain was overshadowed by the tiny voice. In her panic, Liri was struggling to keep the raving, paranoid creature at bay. It had a knack for taking over when she was frightened or in dire situations. 

"Not, not, not," Liri managed to get out, voice thick and cracking with paranoia as she spoke. 

"The man, the man, the man," she ranted, unable to explain herself any better. Warning Abraxas and his sadistic family had not helped but perhaps Pearl would listen.

Her form became defensive, only half standing on her legs that trembled with terror. Her shoulders were hunched upwards around her neck so that her head appeared to be angled downwards onto her shoulders. Dark eyes darted in the night and her tongue darted out to lick at her lips nervously every few seconds. 

Liri had become a creature of fear. 

Without waiting for a response, she went back to beating her head against the ice with fervor. It was the only way to rid herself of that pesky nuisance in her head. 

"Get out, get out, get out," Liri mumbled angrily to the tiny voice as she banged her head forcefully, spilling more blood.

Pearl couldn't help but tilt her head in confusion. A single word mantra wasn't a good sign, though. She knew that. Another followed. A man, however, was a good enough answer to figure out what had happened to the pale female. She'd delt with this before with a previous pack member who showed similar signs of mental instabilities. Not all cases were the same, but she swore she'd do all she could to help. 

She picked up a paw to step back when the other's stance became defensive, not intending to intimidate. They weren't that far apart in many respects, aside from Pearl's hight being a few inches taller and Liri's build being stockier.

Liri began knocking her head against the ice, causing Pearl to rush forward without a second thought. "Please stop, that won't work," she begged, in a distressed voice, "You're only physically hurting yourself, it won't help anything!" she said, putting her paw between ice and head.

One second she was there and the next she was not. Her paws stumbled backwards over the ice  clumsy as a fawn. She backed away from Pearl, her bloodied tree blocked by the woman's form; the perfect way to stop her as Liri couldn't stand to be touched when she was like this.

"Please...don't," she whispered, earthy eyes focused on the Alpha despite the hazy film over them. Things flickered in her mind's eye: blood both her own and not, vile eyes the color of greed,  a dark and dripping cave. 

"He'll hurt you...he's evil. He'll make you bleed," her lips twitched as if the Tiny Voice wanted to tear into something itself.

"I'm sorry," Liri could not stop the tears that pooled in her eyes, matching glassy pools of remorse. She had not meant to disturb anyone, nor let them see her like this. 

Pearl gazed in overwhelming worry at the cowering woman. She felt crushed when she was asked to stop, as she only wanted to help. She tried to make herself appear smaller to appease the smaller. 

Liri proceeded to talk about a man, of whom she had suspected was the root of all of this. "The man... he's not here. He can't hurt you anymore, we won't let him. I won't let him," she said in the most comforting tone she could manage, staying where she was."You're alright, you've done nothing wrong."

Liri felt the urge to shake her head, as if to get rid of fleas. This was a pest that could not be so easily exterminated; it was not a crawling insect but an overwhelming terror that thrived on her subconcious. Every waking minute she feared that the russet furred male who had wrought the Tiny Voice would be back to force himself on her again or that someone else would feel the need to tear her flesh asunder. Liri could not be certain there was a cure for such fear, even when supressed it found its way out again.

"He's out there somewhere," Liri reasoned, still not quite herself. Upon hearing Pearl's next words her head cocked in confusion. Could they be believed? Everyone made promises; Sam, Minna, Leto, even Amara and Aaron. They had all went back on them save for Aaron but even he was gone. He was not able to help her now. 

"Lies, lies, lies." The Tiny Voice found itself once more, bringing with it the impulse to tear into her own flesh but Liri withheld it. Pearl would try to stop her. Liri didn't want to hurt her if the Tiny Voice took over.

"I've done lots of things wrong," Liri corrected, nearly inaudible. "Everyone I cared about knew that. They all left me." Liri deflated as she spoke, the panic leaving enough for her mind to clear and sadness to take over. 

Once again, Pearl was stuck in a situation that she didn't very well know how to handle. Her thoughts flashed back to the summer, when she delt with another woman like this, but it wasn't this extreme. Her determination only grew, as she knew that if Liri was left alone, worse things could happen. Pearl wasn't about to let that happen. She was going to protect this little one with all she had. 

"I know he is, but he's never getting back to you. You're part of a good pack that will protect you. I promise, Sebastian and I will do our absolute best to keep you safe." she stated with a firmness in her tone, one that confirmed she was going to do what she said. Pearl wasn't one to go back on what she said. 

Pearl took a lower stance, leaning a bit to hear what Liri said next. It was downright depressing, and it had a visible effect on the both of them. Liri's in sadness, Pearl in empathetic sadness. She wanted to help, wanted to understand. Hesitating in fear of saying something wrong, she moved a step closer as the panic seemed to dissapate. Softly she responded, "Well...I'm sure that's not why or how they left. You're here with us now. We're not leaving." the words sounded kind of threatening to Pearl's ears, which she didn't mean to happen.

Pearl moved closer hesitantly, as if sensing the wrong move would send Liri fleeing like a skittish deer. Liri watched her without hostility, allowing her to get closer without complaint. Part of her longed to seek physical comfort in anyone, including Pearl, but she held back from doing so. 

Liri listened to Pearl's words but didn't dare allow herself to believe. Believing people would stay, that they would care, never ended well. It wasn't any fault of Pearl's, she seemed like a kind individual. The fault lay with Liri and her inability to trust in people. 

"I'm sorry," Liri repeated as she came back to herself, feeling embarrassed for her behavior. The pain in forehead hit her suddenly and she felt exhausted enough to sleep there in the snow. "I never meant to wake you, or disturb anyone."

It appeared as if Liri was taking back control of her mind once more, and the hysteria had passed. Pearl allowed herself to relax a bit, knowing that Liri would probably be alright for now. Maybe they could talk some more. 

She sat slowly on the icy ground, speaking as she did so. "You're alright, it's what I do. I'm a counselor, so you can talk to me anytime. You'll never disturb me." Strong statements. She was determined to live up to them. 

"No need to worry about waking me either, the pups do that enough," she added with a soft laugh.

Pearl seemed willing to move on from her episode and Liri dipped her head gratefully. It was not something she was proud of, any of it. The guilt of losing Rosings was crushing, the weight of losing everyone she loved just too much, the trauma inflicted on her enough to take away bits of her sanity. She was exhausted with coping. 

"Thank you. That's more than anyone has cared in quite some time," Liri spoke honestly, staring at the tree that was smeared with her blood. It was mesmerizing; it brought to mind the cave with its dripping dirty water and the squeaks of rats scuttling over and around her. She could still feel their claws scratching at her flesh.

Liri turned away from the gruesome memory, to Pearl as her pups were mentioned. "I've seen them from a distance, they're adorable," she smiled. 

"What does one have to do to become a Counselor?" Liri hoped to leave her panic in the past and focus on her future. She wanted to not only heal bodies, but minds. 

Pearl smiled sadly at Liri's comment, wondering what had happened to her to cause this. "It's no problem at all. I'm happy to..." she trailed off, seeing that the small woman was transfixed in some sort of trance. She felt pity and sadness for the broken girl. How long has it been since she was properly cared about and talked to?

She waited patienly for the pale and bloodied woman to return to their world, with the mention of the pups. "You're welcome to come play with them if you want, they'd like you." Well, they'd like anybody. They were used to seeing scars on their parents and others, so they weren't likely to ask her about them. Ben might, though. You never could tell what interested him until he chose it. 

Liri asked what to do about becoming a counselor, which Pearl hesitated to answer. "Well...you have to be willing to listen to other's stories, seeing the pressure point and deciding whether or not it's a good idea to ask about it or not to help them recover. Most of it is building trust and talking problems out with other wolves. To become one, I just gained a lot of experience with working out problems and forming friendships." That's what she thought it boiled down to, but there was always more to it, as there is with anything.

sorry to have changed styles so much in this thread, I've been having issues with the coding

Had Pearl asked the question in her mind, Liri would have been unable to answer. Truly, she was unsure if anyone had actually cared about her.

Her mother might have, had she not died, or so Liri liked to think. Her father most certainly had not nor could she say Ameta had ever been 'there' enough to love anyone. Leto could not have loved her. What brother abandoned his sister not only once but twice; resulting in the abuse and rape that had so fractured her fragile mentality. 

Perhaps Amara had cared about Liri once but her own selfishness led to her destruction. Samuel could not have loved her if he cared so little that he could not even say goodbye. 

Aaron was the only she could say may have genuinely cared about her. Liri understood why he had to leave; she might have done the same if Samuel had slept with another woman. Aaron was the only one left that she loved. It must have been since his departure that she had been cared about, that anyone had worried over her well-being. 

"I'd like that," she smiled. There was something about children few people were able to resist. Liri had kept her distance because she was a stranger. It was best to wait for parental permission before approaching puppies.

"I like to help people," she admitted softly. If she could ease the pain of someone like her...that was something to be proud of. This talk of friendships however was unnerving. Liri wasn't so sure friends were the best thing for her anymore. Allies, perhaps.

no problem at all :)

Pearl smiled. "Feel free to play with them anytime, then." she said, gently sweeping her tail back and forth. The only one she might have to be wary of is her spitfire of a daughter, Ivy. Where she got the attitude, no one knew. 

She nodded solemly. "It's a good thing to do. A noble cause," she paused. Switching subjects, she said softly, "I'm always here to talk, and if you need anything, just ask." 

"Thank you," Liri smiles, genuinely grateful for being trusted. Burke is stern, not cruel, but at times it's hard to figure why he agreed to let her come with his pack.

It seems she's always on the outside looking in, usually of her own fault. Had Rosings ruined her for ever loving other people ever again? Would she always wonder what might have happened if Aaron had stayed in place of Amara? What might have become of them?

"Never know, never know, never know."

"I will, Pearl. Thank you. You've a kind heart," Liri murmurs. She can see herself in Pearl, what she might have been like if everything hadn't fallen apart. 

"I should go. There's something to be done somewhere," Liri says ambiguously, smiling in farewell as she stands. 

With a final nod in Pearl's direction, she departs for the surrounding territory. Work will distract her from the lingering sadness and the inexplicable hope that someday she will see Aaron again.

Pearl nodded in farewell, simultaneously pondering the most vauge dismissal she had ever recieved or heard. There was always something to be done, but that had to be the one of the oddest things she'd heard. "Take care of yourself," she calls after the disappearing form, fading almost perfectly into the wintery landcape. 

She had a particular look about her face heading back to her den, concern and thoughtfulness fighting for their spot upon her features. 

Once again she snuggled up against the warm, sleeping bodies of her family, and gradually fell back into uneasy unconciousness.