Blacktail Deer Plateau 'cause I've got memories and travel like gypsies in the night

She'd thought her wanderlust well sated (or at least for the winter) but the familiar itch in her paws spurned her to leave the territory. There were so many things to see in the winter; everything made perfect and silent by snow and ice. And yet she did not leave; contrary to her childhood, too many things tethered here now to simply slip away. In a way, she missed the ease of adventure as a pup, but she'd grown accustomed to being this deeply rooted in the pack. 

The night was young, but exceptionally clear; the stars stretched across the sky in a rich tapestry of light. She found herself near the borders, of half a mind to slip across them and be gone for a night. But she knew well enought that her little trips grew longer and larger, and with a sigh turned back into the depths of the territory, the bitter cold of night settling heavy in her fur, chill raking down her spine every time a particularily heavy gust raked through her fur.

steals

like dawn--but unknown to him--her mate, too, had wanderlust. and despite the chilly night, he, too, was wandering, mulling a trip outside the plateau. but he always let dawn know if he was going anywhere, and she was nowhere to be found, near the rendezvous.

ever since engel had been banished, he had been weighed down by a mix of emotions. he felt it perverse to grieve for the loss of a friend that had turned out to be a cad, but he grieved, nonetheless. he was ashamed that he had not been firmer about quelling the man's big mouth. and he felt unsure. . .he did not know if what, but a cloud of uncertainty hung round his head like a dark halo, tugging at his every thought.

giving himself a shake and a stretch, aditya set out with measured steps, not too hurried, not too lackadaisical. he shivered as the wind cut through his thin pelt, but carried on, admiring how bright the sky was tonight. so many stars! their beauty gave him a small measure of joy, an amount that grew as he caught sight of dawn in the near distance.

barking softly to let her know he was coming, he broke into a slow lope and stopped just a few paces short of crashing headlong into her, instead pulling himself into her closely, laying his head over her shoulders. he said nothing for a long moment, just silently breathing in her scent.

"can't sleep?" he murmured at last, eyes closed in bliss.

She heard her mate's coming when he was still a distance away, slowing. She knew his footfalls now, their sound and their weight, the familiar flash of sun-kissed brown. But it was not the glimmer of joy that came, the sort that usually flickered in her chest at his coming, but akin to dread. 

Engel was gone, now, she'd heard the details, her father's banishment of the man. There was some part of her that felt sorry; she'd liked Engel, thought him better than his perverse comment at the meeting that just crossed the line. To think that Engel had even hinted at such a thing had disgusted her, but it was not thoughts of Engel that disturbed her when Aditya drew her into his embrace. 

 "no,"  She began, but did not press into him as was habit, pausing in her tracks and blinking at the snow-dusted earth.  "i'm sorry," She began, words low, breaking open the twisted mass of emotion and thought that weighed heavily on her. "I know we never talked about it, not really, but I'm letting you down, aren't I?"  Oh, but she was being far too vague, her words faltering and not expressing truly what she sought to apologize for. "I knew I wouldn't be ready, didn't think I wanted it, but now - but you, I'm holding you back." Out and in the open, the weight diminished already, though her ears flicked back in something like shame.

he felt her pull slightly away, her voice responding in the negative, and his heart sank for an instant, believing her to be troubled over engel. he had hoped his friendship with the man, and his subsequent removal, would not tarnish his relationship with his mate. perhaps it had.

before he could ask what was wrong, she spoke, and her words fell on confused ears. aditya looked down upon her, mouth quirking in puzzlement. "what? no--" his rebuttal was cut off by dawn speaking further, elaborating, somewhat, on her rambling. still, he was lost.

"holding me back? dawn, what are you getting--" he paused mid-sentence, realization blooming over his features as her words sunk in. she was talking about pups. completely taken aback, aditya shook his head in an emphatic 'no.'

"my god, dawn, you're worried about letting me down?"

She was being irritatingly vague, she knew, but she couldn't quite express the tangled thoughts clearly. Puzzlement creased his features until realization seemed to set in, and his confused, fractured questioned ceased. He shook his head in a no, quick to understand, then, what she was on about. Clearly her rambling had gotten a little clearer.

 "yes," She stated simply, but her nerves had not ceased. "I can't - we'd have to wait another year, at least. And the others - Day, Pema, even, would have their children and their families. I'm taking that away from you." She continued, ears still flicked back in something like shame, both at the fact that she was letting her mate down, and that she was the one holding them back from something all mates ought to want, and there was nothing she could do about it. She'd never been unable to do anything about something, but this she could not change. And while she knew that she loved Adi dearly and him her, it only made the sting of letting down one so close to her own heart harder to bear.

the look on her face held the weight of a thousand boulders; he was crushed under it, swept beneath in a torrent of sudden emotion. to think she felt so strongly on his account was almost more than he could bear.

"dawn, mera jaan," aditya murmured, looking deep into her eyes. "you have given me everything. a home, a family. . .love. and a chance to leave a legacy," he added, smiling.

"i am older than you, but i'm not old yet," he continued. "there's time enough yet for children. i've managed to wait this long."

would it sting to see grayday's eyes light with the joy of a new litter, to see catori swell with pregnancy? to know that his mate suffered for lack of children? of course, but it would only be a few seasons. . .and they would have joy enough of their own. he could wait. they could wait.

The depth of his words surprised her; though really, they shouldn't have. Dawn blinked at him once, though held his gaze steadily as he spoke, and gradually the tension slipped from her. "but-"She could have offered rebuttals, buts and what ifs, but such things seemed hollow, empty, after what'd he'd told her. For a moment, she was silent in the face of Aditya's perfection, the way he seemed to smooth over her worries, fit neatly into the hole in her life she'd never known to be there until meeting him. "I love you,"  she murmured, pressing back into his embrace. She did not possess his ease of language, could not weave the perfect words he could. The simple words, open and heavy with all she felt for him, would have to be enough. And while her doubts would hardly disappear, they were overshadowed, swept away, in this moment.

"no buts," he said warmly, resting his head atop hers. "i love you, too." they stood in silence for a long moment, the two of them thinking their own independent thoughts while the beats of their hearts synced, pulsing contentedly in their chests.

"i've tried to have children twice before," aditya murmured. "both tries didn't take. i've wondered, you know, if it's a problem with me." he pulled back, looking at his mate. "i worry about it. about not being able to give you children, ever."

he shook his head. "but hariji didn't think i was ready, i suppose. you know what they say--'third time's the charm?' i swear to you, dawn, i will give you children. we will have children."

children they would not abandon, either, contrary to three of their four parents.

For a long moment they stood together, and she was content. This, she knew, was where she was supposed to be. The moment was broken when he pulled back, leaving the girl to peer back at him as he began to speak, offering his own worries. She was silent, but if she was truly honest; she did not think that a childless future seemed especially daunting. Perhaps she'd want for it more one day, but for now, she was content with Adi, and only him. 

 "we'll figure it out," she murmured as she pressed up against the underside of his muzzle a moment. "we have time, and we have us. I'm happy." she continued, withdrawing the offer a soft smile. and if hariji did not see it fit to give them children when they decided that it was time, then he would be a stupid god indeed. dancing back, she felt lighter, somehow. "hunt with me?" she wanted to run alongside him, to share in the thing that offered her joy.

i'm happy. well, and so was he. he didn't say it explicitly, but he knew it shone on his face like the sun.

she expressed her desire to hunt, and he nodded enthusiastically, spanking the ground once with his front paws in giddy anticipation. "of course," aditya said, smiling. "lead the way, o leader," he added teasingly, wagging his tail.