Broken Boulder so it seems i'm someone i've never met

backdated to 4/26 @Lanawyn

Though the earlier pack hunt had been a success, Alarian found himself more agitated than before. He needed to get away from here— if not for himself, then for those he cared about. Something was not right with the boy lately; he might have fixed it if he knew how, or what it was, or— or if he knew anything at all about himself anymore.
He rose abruptly from where he had been curled in his den, releasing an exaggerated sigh with the motion. In the next instant he was on his paws, pacing the small space aggressively. The Governor's tail lashed, his posture tense for no reason he could identify. He needed out.
Ali paused a beat in his pacing to look around, then swept from his den as if it were on fire. He took up his pacing again outside. If nothing else, it gave him more room and a nice breeze. Every little bit counted right now— anything to keep the restless irritation from bubbling over into blind rage, with no identifiable trigger. It reminded him far too much of his father— and he suddenly realized he had never had a more terrifying thought.

alarian did not have the capacity to frighten even his soft-hearted sister; although she was jaded by the iniquities the world had unceremoniously bestowed upon them, she was still able to see the good in him.  still, she had been worried by his temper as of late.  she hadn't spoken to korei or alarian much, but they didn't seem to be getting along anymore, and he had just kind of.. taken off after lennon, just after they had arrived.

she wasn't disappointed or upset, she was concerned.  she sought after him and stumbled upon her governor with his tail lashing behind him, diffusing at least some of the anger he felt.  ali..

The sound of his sister's approach startled him; for half a beat he tensed further, prepared to whip around with a snarl and blazing eyes. Unbidden, his mind conjured this image— he was shamed immediately. The boy deflated, guilt and fear replacing anger before he had time to draw another breath. What am I becoming?, he wanted to ask, but the words were stuck in his throat.
Alarian turned pleading golden eyes to his littermate, glistening with tears and starlight. Lanawyn— why... why am I like this?
He knew even as the words escaped him, barely a whisper, that she had no better answer than he did— none but what their mother had pressed upon them so young. The clinical explanation of his roots— of his potential to lose himself— had been carved into the foundation of his person; written like words in fresh concrete. He knew his mother had put them there to always remind him— this was his forever.
Perhaps it had been necessary— or simply cruel. In this moment, he deemed it both.

 

 

unfortunately for her brother, lanawyn had essentially been groomed to become their mother.  she shied from his approach until she deemed him safe, though she did not allow him to see the hurt that dwelled inside.  outwardly, she remained stoic, prepared.  

he melted before her, crumbling beneath the mounting pressure of lennon and becoming governor and dealing with repressed childhood trauma and her brow knitted almost imperceptibly.  she moved to put her head beneath his -- although alarian was small, feminine, lanawyn somehow managed to be smaller -- and she let out a probably-dissatisfying hmmm, as she took a moment to breathe.

because we were cursed, baby boy.  she said she didn't believe in such things.  that people couldn't be cursed.  she didn't believe in god, or heaven, or hell, or paradise -- none of it.  but curses?  maybe they were something else.

Lanawyn hesitated, and suddenly he was rooted to the spot. He searched her expression and found it blank— lacking. It was true, then; he had become his father— or that was how he took it, anyway. All at once he was certain that he had failed. His mother's attention, her effort, had been for nothing. She had done her best to ensure that he would not become this; that he would not become the man whose head he had wrenched from the still-warm body. And he had done it anyway.
But maybe— maybe that was it. Maybe he had become his father the moment he felt flesh between his teeth. Maybe it was inevitable. The boy swallowed hard and tried not to break further, only hearing his sister's words as if from a distance. Cursed... He repeated under his breath; he didn't even notice that she was against him, now, head tucked under his chin. For all his mother's warnings...
No— we are the curse.

well, um, that was rude as fuck but she wasn't about to tell him that.  no, ali.  we are circumstances of what created us.  there was bad long before there was us.  she hoped that her answer would suffice while she processed what exactly it was he had just said.

you don't really think that, do you?

He pulled back, too far gone now to be ashamed of the opinion he had settled on. Instead, his gaze hardened; of course Lanawyn wouldn't understand. She couldn't. His beautiful sister had not been the least favored child— had not been labeled the failure, the dud, the bad one in the batch and cast aside like trash. Only, Alarian wasn't just trash— he was a ticking bomb, a burning fuse. Perhaps they had known that, too— all of them.
He briefly cast a suspicious glance over his sister, ignoring her question. Nausea rose in his throat and soured his stomach. The Governor turned away; he was done, he had to be done. I'll be back in four days.

his response cut her to the core; she barely registered his response.  no, she was too focused on:

we are the curse.  she is young.  she seeks affection, attention, but not the kind she's getting.  her mother can no longer meet her gaze; they are one in the same.

we are the curse.  she untangled herself carefully from the loins of each unsuspecting lover.  they saw in her the same thing that her father did, her brother -- they liked her because she was dainty, fragile, because she was her mother.  they could not handle her untempered tongue. they could not handle her fire.

we are the curse.  every bit of spice that she had was extinguished.  even still, she could find nobody to love her as she wanted to be loved.

and she cannot bring herself to hate him.  because

maybe

maybe

 

maybe

he is right. 

every insecurity she'd ever had was thrust before her carelessly; he didn't understand that being favored did not mean that you were loved, and despite the attention she had recieved from her father and her brother both, she had been more alone than he had ever dreamed.  alarian had zamael while eventually even their mother turned away from lanawyn. 

hot tears spilled down her cheeks as she turned from him wordlessly.  she had nothing to say.  he was going to run away -- just like last time..

Her silence stopped him in his tracks, and he glanced back to see her turned away. He wanted to go to her, then— to apologize, to ask if they could forget it all and try again. But some part of him knew she would flinch from his touch; he approached, but stopped short. Several beats passed, and he swallowed hard, watching her cry with her face turned from him.
Alarian had once thought himself selfless. He had tried to be, knowing he had no value but what he could sacrifice. As with everything, he failed. Where he sought to build, he destroyed instead— perhaps he had driven Lennon away himself. Perhaps he would drive Lanawyn away, too, and Lily— and Korei.
I— The words caught in his throat. I'm sorry. I will come back, I always will— I just need space.
And he turned and ran, before she could convince him otherwise.