Herbalists' Cache we are a hurricane; drop our anchors in a storm

set after this thread

He meant to visit Morningside. It only seemed right— the pack had members beyond @Aditya and Dawn, beyond the drama he had involved himself in. There was a potential alliance here, too. It made sense to visit. But— he really, really didn't want to.
The idea of seeing either of the two wolves he knew from the pack filled him with a deep sense of dread. He wasn't even sure if Aditya would tell his mate exactly who his affair had been with— and he was quite certain she would be made aware. Alarian wasn't fond of the idea of being attacked by an angry woman. No thanks. So he lingered near the borders, but not too near, pacing anxiously.

after angrily marking the borders, aditya stalked past them, heading into the verdant thicket that was herbalists' cache. he took a deep, restorative breath of floral-scented air, a small but significant boon to his spirits, and carried on, winding his way through the narrow paths. so narrow, in fact, that he did not see the sanctuary's governor until he was almost upon him, tripping over his paws.

"alarian," he gasped, stumbling backwards in surprise. his heart pounded in his throat as he tried to regain his composure once more, grasping for the wrathful but relatively steady attitude of before. "what are you doing so far south?" he wondered, no malice in the words. normally they'd met somewhere in the middle, but he was so close to morningside. . .

morningside. the name brought everything into focus once more, and his knees wobbled. in his bravado, adi had forgotten the gravity of the situation; now, it tugged firmly at his stomach, reminding him just what he had done. though he felt that it was justified, there was, of course, a sense of regret--what if he had reacted too impulsively?

he had hurt her. he knew by the look on her face. and now, seeing alarian's countenance, he realized that his era of not hurting people was hurtling by him, heading toward a distant past.

Aditya's approach startled him, and the tension in the other's posture immediately set him on edge. Not again. Visiting Morningside, He answered too quickly, swallowing hard as he took his own step back. I mean— I was going to. So we could talk about... Fuck, he was going to ask, god help him.
What's wrong? Alarian allowed his concern to bleed into his expression, ears cocking back slightly. He hoped it was something not-mate-related this time, but he knew he would listen either way. Their tryst had carved out a soft space in his chest for the male, perhaps permanently; he had realized it had little to do with his opinion, his feelings about Aditya. He did not understand— but he knew what he felt, and he knew this would hurt for some time yet.

"talk about what?" he pressed, his steely demeanor in speech having not receded from when he'd fired those parting shots at dawn. he fixed a gimlet gaze on alarian, searching for the answers in his eyes. when the governor asked his own question, he let out a ragged sigh, swallowing thickly. he shook his head, once or twice, collecting himself before he spoke once more.

"dawn and i. . .we are separated, now. we decided to, erm, do that." the words were wooden, hollow, so uncharacteristically lifeless that alarian must think him mad, or at least on the edge of a breakdown. and perhaps he was, but he didn't feel it. that one moment of clarity, of truth, and now sharp-edged reality had intruded once more, cutting into his thoughts.

dawn and aditya were no more. it must be that way. there was no trust and too many secrets. he hadn't told her of coelacanth; she must have crushes, too, certainly? nothing would ever be the same, and that would never change.

He swallowed hard under Aditya's cold stare, his own gaze flitting to the ground and heating with the beginnings of tears. Cursing himself internally, he blinked a few times to clear the moisture. He didn't dare look back up. About an alliance, He muttered, unable to keep the resentment from his tone.
It made more sense when he heard the explanation. He sucked in a breath at that; separation wasn't a thing that had happened often in Alarian's experiences. As far as he knew, it was typically 'til-death-do-we-part', for better or worse— often worse, he'd found. Haha, fuck marriage. Anyway.
I'm sorry, He said after several beats, and paused again, uncertain; his gaze was still firmly on the ground. Aditya deserved better than 'I'm sorry', but he couldn't— I hope— that you never go through that again. I hope once it stops hurting, things get better. I'm— I'm sorry I contributed to that mess...

Again, he swallowed, throat aching now. I should— go. This was a bad idea. I'm sorry. He turned to leave, realizing he could only cause more damage here. As much as he wanted to stay, to try to comfort him— it was a bad idea. Surely Aditya didn't want him around, a reminder of the events leading to his relationship's demise.

ordinarily, he would have rambled on and on, spilling his heart and all its blood to alarian, pouring every thought from his mind (as if his friend wanted it, anyway). but this time, no words came. the shell he'd crafted around himself was growing harder, and aditya responded to alarian's apologies with merely a nod of acceptance, remaining silent otherwise. it was when the governor turned to leave that he opened his mouth at last, shaking his head.

"no, stay," he said, voice cracking a little. he cleared his throat, letting out a quick exhale. "let's talk about the alliance. or you could speak to. . .dawn, if that would be better. or pema, though she's just had the babies." business was business, and aditya wouldn't let his personal life interfere in more pressing matters. not now, after all that had happened. they must put up the appearance of a united front, even if it wasn't necessarily so at the time.

He stopped at Aditya's no, but he did not turn. Hurt spread through his chest, warm and aching like a wound gushing blood. I can't, The words were half-whispered, choked; he meant them. A shiver spread through him, intensifying slowly and turning almost violent in the last beat before it faded.
I'm sorry. I can't. It was all he could offer the golden wolf, taking another step forward and beginning again his journey home. He did not rush; Aditya could stop him again, but he didn't expect he would. Some slim, feeble part of him hoped he might— but a larger part of him knew better, knew it was best to leave anyway. He continued on, gaze trained to the ground.

"i--okay," aditya said helplessly to alarian's back as he turned, walking away. it would be pointless to stop him; his mind was clearly made up. besides, diplomatic talks were perhaps best suited for the future, when everyone's emotions had been given time to heal. everything was too raw, and all three of them were adjusting to their new realities.

with a sigh, adi sat down, then padded round in a circle, eventually curling in a golden-brown ball at the base of an old oak tree. he suddenly felt a thousand years old. his eyelids drooped, then closed, and sleep finally found him, restless and fitful as it was. even in dreams, he could not escape his problems, and though the body found respite, the mind did not.

he woke with a shiver, an hour or so later, and rose, returning to morningside with a heart even heavier than before.