Wolf RPG

Pantaleimon decided to check out what damage had been brought to the territory now that the storm had died down. She hoped that everything was alright and damages were small. The fact that part of the lake had been drained was painful enough as it were; she loved the lake, loved taking swims in it. Everything seemed gloomy and ravaged now, but in due time, Pantaleimon knew it would be better. They would endure, and the lands would flourish again. They were lucky not to have lost any to begin with.

Pan followed the borders and looked out over the lake briefly before continuing her patrol. She wasn't sure what she was looking for, really; but patrolling somehow felt normal, and Pantaleimon really needed to feel normal and do something routinely, so that she could feel as though the world wasn't really coming apart. Pan hoped @Peregrine would join her to distract her from how she felt.

The caldera hadn't escaped its fair share of damage as a result of the storm (a bona fide tornado, he knew now). But Peregrine considered them lucky. Most of the impact was purely cosmetic, nothing that affected the land's habitability. With that said, part of the lake had drained, the territory's main stream had flooded and there were tree limbs and other debris littered everywhere. The storm had forever altered the landscape.

He was inspecting the small floodplain in particular today when he decided to head out for a patrol. As he made his way toward the borders, he spotted Pantaleimon's familiar figure up ahead and waved his tail. Happy for the distraction, he loped in his lover's direction and fell into step beside the pale Delta. Peregrine opted for a nibble to his throat rater than a verbal greeting.

Pantaleimon's worriful thoughts were soon interrupted by exactly what and who she was looking for; Peregrine's touch was comforting, and Pan returned a quick lick to Perry's ear as the Alpha fell in step with her. For a little bit, Pan just continued the patrol in silence, glad for Perry's presence even without words.

After a minute or five, Pantaleimon looked at Peregrine and said, "I'm glad everyone's okay." It seemed that they had not gotten any permanent damages from the storm, and Wildfire and Nightjar had eventually been located again too. "I -- Wildfire and Nightjar getting lost uhm, made me wonder if you and Fox were... If you had any uhm, plans, budding plans, for, you know, pups." Pan wasn't sure why she felt so uneasy breaking the subject; perhaps because it caused an ache in her heart to know that she would never bear children, and would unlikely ever be a real, biological parent, even if the firebirds were growing to feel like her own now that she spent so much time with them. She wondered if she should expect more soon, or if there weren't any plans for new ones until next year.

They walked in companionable silence for a stretch, exchanging the occasional glance, smile or even lick. It was Pan who eventually broke it, starting with mentions of Nightjar and Wildfire. Peregrine felt a pinch in his chest when he recollected how he'd felt the moment he'd realized two of his three children were missing. His son had been located relatively quickly but Wildfire hadn't come home for over a day. Much as his feelings about Junior were complicated, those hours had reminded him of the day when he thought he'd lost her to the river. Perhaps losing his children was just nature's way of making him pay penance for his mistakes as a parent.

Pan's question drove that thought from his mind. Even if he wasn't the best father in the world, he did intend to keep trying. Practice made perfect, after all. "We plan to have them every year we're able," he replied, wondering why Pan asked but not wanting to be pushy. He was sure Pan would explain his interest, not that it was unusual, especially given his role in the family. When Peregrine had courted Lasher, he had tried to hook him up with Fox as well, even entertaining fantasies of a blended family. But he would not pursue that with Pan. He no longer wanted to share his wife with another male. A lady, however...

That was a thought for another day. "Firebirds two-point-oh," he mused aloud, casting a sidelong smile at his companion and then lapsing into silence in the hope that Pan would elaborate on his line of questioning.

Like Pan had expected, Peregrine said that he and Fox were intending to have more puppies. In a few years, no doubt they would have many generations of Firebirds wandering the pack. They'd be a large pack counting all the children alone -- well, those that stayed, of course. Pantaleimon had not forgotten that she had yet to tell Peregrine about what she'd told Reek. And she really didn't want Reek to be the one to tell him, if it ever got that far (even though she knew Reek and Perry were more likely to scratch out each other's eyes than have a decent conversation about Pan, it was still a worry on Pan's mind). Raven wouldn't either, would she? It was a secret, after all, and it had been told in confidence. To a child, at least, that had to mean something.

Pantaleimon smiled somewhat uncomfortably when Peregrine said 'Firebirds two point o', thinking of what she wanted and, moreover, about how she never would be able to get it. "I..." Pan looked outward, to what lay beyond the borders, for a moment before looking back at Peregrine. "I wish I could, y'know, uhm... Some day." The firebirds were great, and Pan loved them almost as though she was a little bit a mother to them too, but they also reminded Pan of that which she did not have. Pan loved pups, but she didn't think that she would ever be able to have any. Not in the way she wanted, and not even in the way she didn't want, but was her only way to: she probably wouldn't manage.

He truly didn't know what to expect when Pan opened his mouth. Peregrine just remained silent, ready to listen and keeping an open mind. The words that eventually tumbled from his lover's lips caused him to pause mentally, then smile softly. Pan wanted to be a parent one day? Well, that didn't surprise him at all. However, there were quite a few logistics involved if Pan were to pursue that desire. It took two to tango, after all, and Peregrine would not permit Pan to mate with Fox, no matter how much he cared for his companion.

Then there was the issue of permission too. And Fox's passionate opposition to (intolerance of, really) bastards. Suddenly, the smile began to falter, then fade altogether. Pan would need to take a mate and earn the privilege to breed. What would that mean for their relationship? It could get very complicated. Even as he considered this, Peregrine realized he was jumping the gun and over-thinking it. Not to mention, he was being very selfish in his train of thought.

"So you wanna be a dad someday, huh?" he mused aloud, smiling again. "You kind of are, a little bit. Well, I guess you're more like an uncle. But I mean, you're doing really well helping with the Firebirds. You're so gentle, and a good teacher."

Pantaleimon noticed Perry's faltering expression right away. She imagined that it was because he realised how difficult it would be for her, too. Not because he knew the things she knew, wanted to tell him so desperately, but still didn't really have the courage to tell; he didn't know any of those things, so it couldn't be that. It had to be because even as she was, Pantaleimon would unlikely become a real parent here, in Redhawk Caldera.

When Peregrine said she was sort of like a father, Pantaleimon smiled fondly. She did sort of feel like one (well, more of a mother, but 'father' was a fine title too). Her smile faltered a little when Perry continued to say that she was maybe more of an uncle, because Pan liked to consider herself more of a parent than a weird uncle that had a relationship on the side with their father. That sounded... Well, wrong. "Yeah," Pan said awkwardly. "I - I guess so." Pantaleimon decided it didn't really matter what Perry, Fox, or the firebirds considered her to be for the pups, as long as they knew she cared for them.

"Have you ever felt like... Uhm, different? I mean, as if everyone's seeing you, but they're not, like, really, uhm... seeing you, or - or like you're hiding some parts, or uhm, I dunno..." Pantaleimon trailed off there, figuring that none of what she was saying probably made sense to Perry. Maybe she was just confused and emotional over the whole puppy thing, and that was why she was trying to say things but ended up not managing to get them out of her throat properly. "Never mind, I - I'm just rambling," Pan added, and she shot Perry an awkward and apologetic smile.

Truthfully, neither father nor uncle really suited Pan and Peregrine found himself trying to come up with an appropriate title. Before he could delve too far into thought, the Delta posed another question, this one quite different from the first. He weighed his lover's question in his mind, trying to figure out if he could sympathize. But he found he couldn't even concentrate on himself (for once); instead, he couldn't help but wonder what prompted Pan to ask in the first place.

Gently shaking his head to dismiss Pan's own dismissal and apology, Peregrine said, "I'm not sure." What are you trying to tell me? "Why do you ask? Have you?" He didn't want to put his lover on the spot but he sensed that Pan had secrets. Everyone did, though more than once the Alpha had felt like Pan was hiding something. He couldn't guess what. "You know you can tell me anything, right? I like listening to your 'rambling.'"

A part of Pan hoped that with her own dismissal of the subject, that would be that. They could move on to the next subject, and they'd just smile and laugh at Pantaleimon's awkward stunting with words before turning to other matters. Another part of Pantaleimon hoped that Peregrine would ask what she meant, would delve deeper; would want to find out what it was about Pan that was, well... different.

The subject of puppies had been painful, but this wasn't much better. If anything, it was worse. "I know," Pantaleimon murmured when Perry said she could tell him anything. The thing was, though, that wolves didn't always know whether or not they'd mind until the words were actually spoken.

"I..." Pantaleimon looked away, at the ground, and stopped in her tracks. She glanced around the devastated landscape along the Redhawk borders for a moment, and let out a heavy sigh. As Pan lifted her head, she looked at Peregrine. The longer she seemed to draw out this moment, the harder it seemed to find the right words right away. "When I was younger, I... Well, I guess I always thought I'd be, you know, a Siren, like - like my sisters." The moment the words left her lips, Pan knew they were the wrong start to the story she wanted to tell. She wondered if, like Reek, Perry would suggest it might be her upbringing that made her feel the way she did.

"The thing is, I didn't... I just never thought I was a... y'know, a... guy, I - I guess." There was so much more that she wanted to say, but with her eyes focussed on Peregrine's face, she awaited his response first, her heart pounding in her throat.

He waited patiently as Pan began to speak, beginning with a reference to his upbringing among the sirens. Peregrine frowned slightly. Pan's childhood must have been very rough; he had been brought up to believe he was inferior to females, after all. It pained the Alpha, hearing that young Pan had just wanted to be like them. He understood why Pan had wanted to be like his sisters, for they were treated quite differently in the sirens' society. Who wouldn't be envious in that situation?

But it went further, deeper than that. If he extracted all the stammering and fumbling from his lover's admission, he had a stark revelation to contemplate: "I just never thought I was a guy." Peregrine's brow furrowed thoughtfully. It sounded like Pan might have grown up with some gender confusion, in that case... but what did that mean for him now? There must be something more, if he was struggling so much to explain.

Pan was looking at him, pale eyes steady on his face, and Peregrine didn't want to attempt to guess. "Go on," he coaxed quietly, sure there was more to it than that. "I want to understand," he added, holding Pan's gaze steadily as he touched his nose to the Delta's.

Pan wanted nothing more than for Perry to guess right now. If he happened to guess right, it would make things a lot less difficult and confusing right now. If only there was an easy way to explain all of this, without all the stammering and confusion. Heck, Pan herself wasn't always sure if what she felt was really how it is, or if there was more to it.

Upon Perry's encouragement, Pan smiled uncomfortably and tried to explain further: "I always just sort of - sort of hated being a guy, having... you know... looking like a guy, having a big bumpy nose and... Until they made me feel and see what I really was, I really thought I... I remember feeling like a girl. And I tried not to, uhm, not to feel like a girl all the time, because I'm obviously not..." Pan looked away, her eyes shooting to the ground in reflex before she looked back at Perry. "... But I still feel like I am." Pan broke eye contact again, looking at the ground, seeing only part of Perry's face from the corners of her eyes. She wanted to look at his face, see his reaction, but she couldn't bring herself to do so in fear of just how he would react to her revelations.

Encouraged by Peregrine's words, Pantaleimon elaborated a bit and it finally clicked in Peregrine's head: biological identity aside, Pan felt like a female. Having never met a transgender individual before, nor really considered the possibility of such a thing, he didn't know what to make of this revelation. If Pan felt like a woman on the inside, he was still stuck in the body of a man. Peregrine was having a tough time trying to reconcile this in his head. What did this actually mean for his lover?

"I want to understand," he repeated, "but I'm not sure I do. You're a dude on the outside... and, for whatever it's worth, you have a cute nose." He smiled fleetingly, then the expression disappeared into a more ponderous one. "But you feel like a lady on the inside? What does that mean? Like, how does that work?" He hoped Pan didn't take offense to his ignorant questions. He truly wanted to understand, he was just having some difficulty with it.

Pantaleimon understood that it had to be really hard for anyone else to understand how Pan felt. She didn't always understand it herself, really, figuring that there must be something wrong with her. She still thought there probably was; why else would she be born this way, and in the pack and culture that she had been born into? Perhaps she had done something terrible in a previous life, for which the Goddesses now punished her. Pan simply didn't know, and since she did not understand all of it herself, she understood that others could not, either. Perry seemed about as confused as Reek had been when she told him the gist of it.

As for his questions, Pantaleimon tried to think of a way that she could explain how she felt. She nodded meekly before trying to show by using an example: "Well, uhm, like... The other day Fox and I - we were talking about pups. And before I knew it, I told her that I wanted to bear pups some day too. So uhm, I quickly corrected myself, but the thought of being pregnant just made me so happy for a moment. And there was this one time I... They -- I was sort of picked for, y'know, the mating rituals back home, but when it came down to it I just... couldn't." Pan grimaced before she solemnly added: "I... I must sound like a crazy wolf." She wouldn't blame Perry if he thought she was crazy or misguided: heck, even Pan herself thought that maybe she was just making life harder than need be. But after she had spent so much time as a male in the Nereides culture, Pan still felt like a female. She didn't know how to convince anyone else of how she felt, because to her, it was mostly just the feeling that had always been there and hadn't faltered even when the rest of the world had tried to teach her hard-handedly that she was male.

That explained the question about pups, then, though Peregrine only dimly registered this connection. He paid rapt attention to Pan's explanation as he admitted that he wished to experience pregnancy and birth for himself. He went on to tell Peregrine about how he couldn't perform when selected for a mating ritual because of said gender identity crisis. Although this did shed some light on Pan's inner world, it begged as many questions as it answered. Actually, there were dozens more popping up in the Alpha's mind.

"Not crazy," he said. Maybe confused? he thought but knew better than to say out loud. This was clearly a very sensitive subject. "But... no matter how much you want it, you can't carry or deliver pups. It just... can't happen," he pointed out in a soft voice. "Right? So..." So what? All Peregrine could think now was, How miserable. No matter the cause of Pan's condition, it sounded incredibly unfortunate.

And what did this mean for their relationship? Peregrine suddenly felt a strange twist in his gut. He wished the Delta would have been up front about this from the start, though he guessed he understood why it was hard for Pan to admit. But this changed things, in the Alpha's perspective. Pan would always be male, externally, but if considered himself a lady on the inside... well, Peregrine had vowed only to dedicate his life to one woman: Fox. And what would she make of this?

Even if he and Fox could come to terms with it, what did this mean for Peregrine's and Pan's sexual future? What role did he (she?) hope to play, physically speaking? The more he thought about it, the less Peregrine felt like he could wrap his mind around the entire thing. It didn't change his feelings of affection toward Pantaleimon, nor even his attraction, but he looked at Pan with question marks in his jade eyes. He just didn't know how to fit all these pieces together at the moment.

"Right," Pan muttered when Peregrine reminded her that she would never be able to carry and deliver children. She knew that. She didn't want to be this way, but somehow, she still was. When Pantaleimon looked into Perry's questioning eyes, she knew that she had made a mistake by telling him about this. For the first time in her life, Pantaleimon had been happy -- why couldn't she have accepted what she was, what Perry wanted to be with her for, and continued her life as a male, as she had from when she was a month or four, anyway?

Why'd she have to go and make it complicated?

"So..."

It seemed idiotic to Pan that she was so easy and conforming to others, and yet this one thing was something she just couldn't keep to herself in the eyes of her lover. In the time she had spent in Redhawk Caldera, her whole world had started to revolve around Perry. She adored Wildfire, Nightjar and Raven too, of course, and considered the rest of the pack family, but there was no one as special to her as Perry.

Pantaleimon swallowed dryly as she looked up at Peregrine. "I'm s-sorry, maybe I'm just confused," she muttered. "Maybe I'm just brainwashed, from the, y'know, being raised as inferior," she said while looking away from his gaze, afraid he would notice that she was lying. "Maybe I just have a lot to learn about what it feels like being a man now that I'm... free." Pan looked up into Perry's eyes again, her longing for him displayed in her own soft, silver eyes. She wanted him -- to be with him, to sleep by his side -- more than anything in the world. It wasn't hard for her to lie, with everything she held so dear at stake.

She would come to terms with herself for it later.

Pan looked back at him, then began stammering out an apology and excuse. Peregrine didn't say anything at first. Was what Pan said possible; could he learn to embrace being a male? Or was this something more deeply and permanently ingrained than that? After all, he hadn't been living with the sirens for some time now, so if he still felt this way, wouldn't he always? Whether it was due to brainwashing, a chemical imbalance or something else entirely, that didn't really change how Pan felt, did it? And it didn't seem like something simple to reverse, either. Did Pan even want to "cure" himself?

"Or maybe..." the swarthy Alpha began to think out loud, only for his voice to trail off for a moment before he spoke again. "You've felt this way your whole life? Like you're in the wrong body?" he tried to clarify. Now he actually felt like he might be hitting the nail on the head and getting a real grasp on it. It still made him sad because, no matter how much Pan pined to change his body, it was impossible. He could even try to live as a female but he would never be able to change his chromosomes.

Pan really wanted to keep up the charade and keep lying, but it was hard when Perry seemed to finally be grasping what she was trying to explain him for some time now. She was afraid to lose him, and even when he said it out loud, it sounded like he was talking about someone stupid, someone confused. It was so easy to believe her own lies.

Pan sighed and admitted: "Yeah, I guess I have." Even though she didn't really want to. She didn't want it to be like this. "But I... That's not something I can... y'know, change." So maybe it was time to look forward instead. "So maybe I should -- I could -- work harder to accept what I can't change. Maybe I just need time to... Need to stop thinking like this." And stop feeling like this. Pan accepted most things in her life so easily that this should theoretically not be all that hard, should it? She really wanted to change, if not only for Perry and for her life in Redhawk Caldera. She didn't want to lose this life.

She didn't want to lose him.

Peregrine heard defeat and misery in that sigh. He could encourage Pan to work on accepting his station as a man, especially considering that wanting to be a woman was, quite frankly, absolutely hopeless. But what if Pantaleimon really was a female trapped in a male's body? Did that mean that he could never be happy? Did that mean he would have to choose between embracing his true identity, despite his packaging (pun somewhat intended) or pretending to be something he was on the outside but not on the inside? Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place!

Again, the Alpha found his mind twisting and tying itself into knots. Maybe he should shove all that complexity to the aside and go with a simple approach. "What would make you happy, Pan? I just want you to be happy with whoever you are." There, that was true enough, wasn't it? "Besides, you can't help how you feel. At least, I know that I can't turn my feelings on and off at will. And if you've felt like this your whole life..."

Well, that was a really long time, long enough for anyone to take seriously. So maybe that made Pan a lady. It would take some adjustment, maybe some reevaluation. But if that was who Pan truly was and, more importantly, what made him happy, then, well, Peregrine could get on-board with that.

The only thing that Pantaleimon really wanted, in this moment, was for Perry to say that he would help her work on her issues and that they could make it work, somehow -- that he'd help Pan accept the guy inside of her, and that she could learn to feel more like the male that she was. It was perhaps not the most honest answer and solution, but it was what Pan wanted, desperate not to lose everything that she had accumulated here. Besides, it did sound pretty crazy now that they were talking about it. Ironically, it seemed that she was beginning to think it was a more crazy thought than Perry, who still seemed to want to help her accept... well, whatever part of the story she wanted to accept.

Turning off her feelings was perhaps not a real option, but that's why she had to learn. It would take time, surely, but she had pretended her whole life minus the first couple of months... Why did she have to go and make it complicated by stopping now, of all times to choose?

Pantaleimon swallowed dryly while she tried to think of what would make her happy. She didn't even really know, because everything that she really wanted were all things that she could never have. "When I'm with you, it's... It's like it all doesn't matter what I am or what I feel like," Pan muttered. "Like you don't really think of me as Pan the dude, but - but just... y'know... Pan." She just wanted to be a person. She hated it how everybody saw her as a timid, unmasculine guy. All she wanted to be seen as was someone, without all the definitions. Perhaps being seen as a "she" was a bit too far a goal to shoot for, but there wasn't exactly a grey area she could aim for.

Realising she had not really answered Perry's question with her answer, Pan opened her mouth again. She wasn't sure what to say, though, and so she searched for words with an open mouth and thoughtful frown on her face. Everything felt so confusing and tangled right now that it was hard to think about what she really wanted, within the limitations of reality.

Despite his misgivings about the status of their relationship in light of this new information, Pan's honest answer made Peregrine's heart squeeze. Pan meant a lot to him and he could see that he meant a lot to Pan. He couldn't help but reach out and softly lick the side of the male's muzzle, near the corner of his mouth, something he only did with the two romantic partners in his life. I'm still here, the gesture said, even if it might take him some time to sort out and untangle his thoughts and feelings on this matter.

"Maybe we all put too much emphasis on gender anyway," the Alpha mused. "You know that, as far as love goes anyway, gender doesn't matter much to me. I mean, it's a factor, I guess... I don't know... I'm babbling. I—just—I care for you a lot, Pan, and you mean so much to me." He loved Pan, really, though he wanted to reserve those three words for a lighter, happier moment, even if they probably would have gone a long way right now.

"You mean a lot to this pack too," he continued, "regardless of whether you're a dude or a lady. I mean, you're ready to be Redhawk, aren't you? You just earned your Warden trade, so the name is yours if you'd like to take it." Peregrine slowly began to smile. "For the record, if you had to pick, would you want to be a Mr. Redhawk or a Ms. Redhawk...?"

The gesture with which Peregine reached out meant a lot to Pantaleimon, and she smiled and briefly pressed her nose against his cheek while she considered everything they were discussing. Peregrine did the same, although out loud. It was strange, yet amusing, for Pantaleimon to hear him talk that way, because Perry always seemed so sure of what he wanted and needed in life, and he never seemed to doubt everything he did and said like Pan did. The fact that he seemed doubtful now meant that he was putting a lot of thought and effort into this, too.

Peregrine reminded Pan that she was allowed to take up the Redhawk name then, and asked if she wanted to be named Mr or Ms Redhawk. Pan considered it for a moment, because she still wasn't so sure. She felt like a lady most of the time, but perhaps Perry was right: perhaps there was too much emphasis on gender, anyway.

"I dunno if I want to be a mister or miss Redhawk..." Pantaleimon said and she sought eye contact with Perry. A smile broke across Pantaleimon's face as she said: "Maybe for now, I just... Want to be a Redhawk." Life was confusing enough as it was, wasn't it? Pan wasn't sure why she had to go and make it even more confusing for herself. With that, Pantaleimon decided to try out a new chapter in her life; a new chapter in his life. Pan was not sure he wanted to be a male, but then again, he'd never really come to terms with his biological sex either -- had never tried. Maybe it was time to start trying and see what time would teach him. It didn't matter if the result would be that Pantaleimon still felt female, or if he embraced being a -- albeit timid, soft sort of -- male, or if he would never quite feel like a male at all, but neither would want others to see him as female. It was time to find out, and for the first time, Pantaleimon allowed himself to feel these feelings, and realise that it was okay to doubt and figure things out.

After a thoughtful pause, he added: "And your mate -- I mean, uhm --" Pan felt his face heat up as he hastily corrected himself: "-- lover!" Pan akwardly grinned at Perry, not having intended the slip of the tongue. He wasn't sure if there was any difference between being someone's mate and someone's lover -- he'd never had either -- but perhaps Peregrine put his weight differently, and Pan hadn't intended to suggest that he wanted to take Fox' place.

Pan's answer indicated that he still had a lot to figure out about himself and Peregrine nodded to show he understood. The Alpha would be there to help in any way he could. Meanwhile, his lover's smile was infectious and his own broadened as he stretched out a foreleg, resting one broad forepaw on the Delta's shoulder. "I formally dub thee Pan Redhawk." He chuckled, then moved his leg to circle around Pan's neck and pull him in for a quick wolfish embrace. Peregrine held him close, then nipped at his nearer ear and released him.

He didn't read into Pan's slip of the tongue much. Titles were probably over-emphasized just like gender. "Mine," he agreed simply, touching his nose to the Delta's jawbone and snuffling the warm white fur there. He then swung his body closer to Pan's so their flanks and hips pressed together before taking a step backward to leave a trail of licks and nibbles down the side of his lover's neck, onto his shoulder. He still wasn't sure how their sexual relationship might work but kisses worked the same way for everyone.

Pantaleimon had never really held a last name -- since he was male, he had never received the Nereides last name, or at least had never felt it was a part of him. It was nice to finally feel like he belonged somewhere. Pantaleimon smiled fondly as Peregrine named him Redhawk. Pan still didn't feel like the most competent Warden of all, but you had to start somewhere. At least he was trying. Pan closed his eyes and nuzzled his nose into Perry's ear at the embrace, still feeling a little confused; but somehow, it didn't matter as much when he was in Perry's embrace.

It was empowering for Pantaleimon that Perry immediately enforced the statement of 'mine' with nibbles to the jaw, then moving down along Pan's neck. A pleased rumble bubbled up in Pan's throat at the touch, and he turned his head towards Perry to gently lick the tip of Perry's ear when Pan's shoulder was reached and Perry's head was in reach.

Peregrine's mind couldn't help but wander as he made his way down toward Pan's hip. Maybe, like everything else, he was over-thinking the sexual aspect of their relationship. If he mounted his lover, wouldn't that be quite similar to what he'd do if Pan were female? It just meant it was unlikely they would ever swap, which was actually fine with the Alpha. While had wholly accepted the homosexual part of himself, he was still a dominant and masculine wolf who preferred to be top dog (literally).

He eventually found his way to his companion's hindquarters. He gave Pan's buttock a nip, then tugged playfully at the base of his tail before quickly letting go and moving back toward his partner's shoulder. "I think we can make this work," he opined quietly into Pan's ear, then admitted, "But I will have to talk to Fox about this before we ever consider moving onto the next level. Do you mind if I tell her about you...?" Whether or not Pan was a fan of the idea, the swarthy wolf would end up telling his mate anyway. He and Fox did not have secrets, especially not over stuff this important.

A shiver ran down Pantaleimon's spine and his heart thudded in his chest as Peregrine nipped at his hindquarters and tugged his tail. A part of Pan wanted to turn around and return the favour, but he found himself rooted in place instead, awaiting what was next...

When Perry mentioned talking to Fox, Pan felt a little terrified at first, but he also understood the necessity, in a way. Pan found himself wondering if Fox would understand his gender identity issues at all. She seemed like a very confident female, and Pantaleimon didn't doubt that she had ever had any similar issues. Then again... Neither had Peregine, obviously, and he seemed very understanding. There was a nauseous knot in Pan's stomach as he considered what Fox' opinion might mean for their relationship, but he nodded in understanding anyway.

"I - I understand," Pan murmured. He didn't really want Fox to know, but then again, who was Pan to object to this? "It's, uhm... It's okay." Pan smiled bashfully at Peregrine, clearly not that confident and happy with the idea of him telling Fox, but he accepted it anyway.

Pantaleimon reached out to gingerly nibble the base of Perry's ear and whispered, "I love you." Maybe because Pan feared that it would be the last time he'd be able to say it, if Perry's conversation with Fox would turn south; or maybe because he'd intended to say it weeks ago but Pan had mucked it up this time. With newfound courage, now seemed like the opportune timing.