Although the bison meat was several days old now, it tasted just as good to Peregrine. He ate his fill of the makeshift jerky, then set out for an afternoon patrol. A lot of things were going on around here, yet he tried to push them from his mind and just focus on the task at hand. The sky was overcast and there was a bit of a nip to the breeze, causing leaves to skitter around his feet. He smelled rain, though he suspected it wouldn't begin for another few hours, giving him plenty of time to complete a dry patrol.
His mind wandered despite himself, mostly because the routine patrol proved quite unremarkable. But instead of dwelling on anything negative, the Alpha male found himself thinking of the upcoming hunt. The Firebirds were nearly grown; in less than two months, they would join the adult ranks. And what did that mean? It meant he and Fox would get to make more! A smile twitched Peregrine's lips as he imagined their next brood, his yellow-white teeth bright in the gathering gloom.
The sky was dark and broody, like it was cooking up a mean evening storm, and Pantaleimon watched it while the wind tugged at his fur. The end of summer and the coming of fall made Pan feel melancholic. They'd had a good summer -- a great summer -- and Pantaleimon knew he should be really happy. Even the news of more firebirds made Pan happy. But he knew that as much as he considered the pups to be his own, not only were they not, they probably wouldn't see him as a sort of second father, either. Pantaleimon sometimes dreamed that because he spent so much time with them, the next batch of pups would secretly consider him a father too. Sometimes, in his dreams he'd be lovingly grooming one of them, a little bundle of fur, and its first word would be "mama", as it looked up into Pantaleimon's eyes.
These were silly dreams, and Pantaleimon knew it. He looked at the darkening skies with a frown on his face and set the thoughts aside. He would unlikely ever be a real father. Shaking his head, Pantaleimon set off along the borders of Redhawk Caldera when he spotted a dark figure in the distance. He quickened his pace to catch up, and called "Perry, hey!" out to his lover while he caught up and nosed Perry's cheek, nipping his ear. Pan was glad that at least the dark month of Perry's terrible injury and Pan's poisoning was done and over with. That was something to be thankful for, but somehow it didn't quell any of the turmoil in Pan's heart.
The chilly breeze swept Pan's scent into his nose moments before the pale Gamma appeared. Peregrine stopped in his tracks and waited, tail waving slowly as his lover came closer. He leaned into the nips and nuzzles, then combed his teeth through the short, downy fur on the side of Pan's neck. For some reason, he didn't feel compelled to plant his usual kiss on the corner of the other male's mouth. Rather, he simply smiled at him, glad for his company.
"What're you up to?" he asked conversationally, moving again, knowing Pan would fall into step beside him.
Pantaleimon smiled fondly at Perry as he fell in step with him. The question of what Pan was up to was a difficult one. Pantaleimon longed to visit Reek in -- or near, actually -- his new pack, but at the same time the poisoning incident had frightened him. Along with the puppy issue, and the fact that Pan still didn't feel entirely comfortable in his skin, Pantaleimon's mind was more than preoccupied. He had always been a dreamer, and while he did his job as gamekeeper and hung out with Perry, Fox and the pups when he could, Pan felt absent and obsolete, somehow.
"Oh, not much," Pantaleimon said absent-mindedly as he scoured the borders. "Just uhm, getting a patrol in." Pan felt like maybe he should share some of his concerns with Perry, but he didn't really want to bother him too much with his troubles. And it's not like he'd understand the desire to see Reek, anyway.
Pan didn't have much to report. Peregrine knew there must be things on his mind, yet the Alpha didn't press him. His own head was rather preoccupied for the moment. With the Gamma beside him, he began to ponder how the white male would fit into the picture when he and Fox welcomed a new litter. Pan was great with pups but it was much more complicated than whether he was a good babysitter. How involved would he be with raising the next batch of Firebirds? How involved did he want to be? How involved did Fox and Peregrine himself want him to be?
Although the next litter was still months away, the Alpha male figured there was no time like the present. They'd touched on this subject before and he just wanted to keep the lines of communication open. "I was just thinking about the next round of Firebirds. And now I'm wondering what you think about the next round of Firebirds," Peregrine said frankly, seeking Pan's gaze even as they walked in tandem along the borderline.
There was an unexplicable feeling of anxiety churning in Pantaleimon's gut as Perry cut open the conversation piece of the upcoming generation of pups. Pan felt as though he needed to give the correct answer, as though he needed to pass some sort of test to become the co-parents he really, really desired to be, even though part of him knew that it was a ridiculous thought. Pan figured that whatever was decided about him, it was probably already thought through by Perry and Fox, possibly already discussed upon. Still, Pan couldn't shake the nervous feeling that bothered him, no matter how hard he tried just to be normal.
"Oh, uhm..." Pantaleimon smiled awkwardly and disconnected eye contact briefly -- more out of habit than consciously doing so -- clearing feeling a little under pressure in the present subject. "I... I think it'll be really great to have little pups around again," Pan said non-commitally, clearly showing that he cared for Perry and Fox' current batch of pups and intended to care for the next, but without attaching any sort of value or title to himself as the pups' "anything" just yet.[/b][/b]
Pan seemed enthused about them in a general sense. Peregrine knew that most pack mates would feel the very same way: excited to welcome the pack's newest members. But Pan had a different relationship with the Alphas (well, one of them) than other members. It didn't seem right not to give him a special title or role. It sounded simple, though Peregrine was only one of two parents and he imagined that Fox would like Pan to be involved, for sure, but perhaps not any more than an uncle. And would that be enough for Pan? Or would it just serve as a reminder that he could never have children of his own, at least not with Peregrine?
The swarthy wolf suddenly felt an arrow of guilt pierce through him, causing him to stop in his tracks. Peregrine had managed to put Pan in an impossible position, where he would not only never be someone's primary, he would also never get a chance to become a parent. On the other hand, if Pan found someone else (male or female), he could probably find a way to become a parent. He would always play second banana to Fox, not only because of her seniority but simply because of the biology of it all. Maybe Peregrine needed to stop being so selfish and set Pan free.
But would Pan want that? Or was he willing to make sacrifices to keep Peregrine? "Maybe," Peregrine found himself saying without thinking it through, "maybe we would be better as friends, Pan." Only after the words left his mouth did he realize what a bomb he had dropped. He turned to focus his good eye on Pan, almost as if fearing what he'd said would literally crush the man. "I love you," he added hurriedly, because it was true, "but I think... I'm holding you back."
Pantaleimon's ears folded back when Peregrine shared what was on his mind. The words that followed thereafter felt like a blur, because Pan's mind was screaming that their only function was to try and comfort Pan. Instantly Pantaleimon's mind flung towards causes and reasons. Was it because they hadn't done anything sexual yet? Was Pan moving too slow? He'd been careful what with Perry getting hurt and not being in the mood, really, but maybe he just wasn't in the mood because Pan wasn't what he wanted.
Pantaleimon hurriedly looked away while he swallowed threatening tears away. It took about two minutes for Pantaleimon to figure a response at all, while all the possible reasons for Perry breaking up with him were flying through his mind in so high a speed that Pan couldn't even sort through all of them. It felt like the carpet had been pulled from under his feet, as though the blocks upon which Pan's new existence in Redhawk Caldera were built were falling on his head. "Oh," Pantaleimon managed to struggle out, mostly withdrawn into his own mind. It had to be his fault. Maybe he'd seemed too eager about the puppies. Maybe Perry was worried that Pantaleimon would try to fit too big a role into the new pups' lives. That's what Pan wanted... Maybe he'd been too preoccupied with the whole pups-deal. Even when he'd met Roz Pan had wanted to drag her home and mate her, if not only for the fact that that meant he could have pups some day, and anyway, she'd seemed like the loose type so she probably wouldn't mind if he 'spent time' with Perry either in his spare time. At the time that had seemed like a ridiculous idea, but in hindsight Pan wondered if it was the fundament upon which Peregrine had made this decision.
The 'maybe' was completely forgotten within mere minutes of inverting into Pantaleimon's own mind. He had never been great at making decisions, and was used to being told off or having things taken from him. It did not even occur to Pantaleimon to fight Peregrine's words, as if they were final, as if Pan had no say in whatever was decided.
In the end, Pantaleimon could not bring himself to look up at Peregrine with more than an emotional expression in his eyes. He knew he probably should say something. Something like 'If that's what you want', or 'I love you', or 'How could you do this to me', or even 'What the hell are you talking about, there's nothing I want more than to be by your side, don't you feel the same?' Many more options passed the revue, but Pantaleimon didn't even know where to begin in expression how he felt and what he wanted; and specifically, what he didn't want — to lose Perry.
He only said a single word, "Oh," but it was enough to twinge Peregrine's heart strings. "Don't you think so?" he asked more quietly, for the Gamma had neither agreed with or refuted his observation. "You deserve to be someone's mate and have pups of your own and it just occurred to me that because you're with me, you'll never have either of those things. I know you want them." They had been very close for a while now, after all. "And surely I'm not worth giving up all that. You'd be a fantastic father, Pan."
He paused for a long moment, trying to gather his thoughts even as he felt emotions surfacing to choke him. "You also... you deserve to be more than someone's side dish," he continued in a slightly quavering voice. "You deserve to be more than 'beloved Uncle Pan,' you know?" Probably Pan didn't know. He had never seemed to place much worth on himself.
Gently, Peregrine reached out to touch his nose to the Gamma's pale cheek. "It has nothing to do with whether or not I love you. I do. It's just that with the next batch of Firebirds coming up, it got me thinking... about what a selfish dick I am about the whole lovers thing." Because he had been the same way with Lasher: always taking, rarely ever giving, and always letting his attention drift elsewhere.
Peregrine continued to pour words out at Pantaleimon, who found it hard to give all of the words a place. He didn't see why they couldn't see each other if he'd get a mate. Perry had a mate, and he had Pan, too. Fox understood — who was to say that Pan's future mate would not? After all, if she'd turn him away on something small like that, was she even worth birthing his future pups? She'd just have to accept that he was with Perry, too.
"It would just be a sham," Pantaleimon muttered unhappily, barely audible, as he realised that what Perry was saying to him was what Pan would need to say to a future female. He wanted to be a father, but would it really be right to conceive his future children while the only one he thought of was Perry?
Pantaleimon's brow knit together in a sorrowful frown while he tried to sort through his thoughts and think of something clever to say. Nothing popped to mind but a squeaky: "Don't you want me in your life and your pups' lives? I love you..." All of you. Pan didn't want to give up Perry to gain something completely uncertain. Maybe Pan would never get what he wanted in regards to puppies. Pan had come to accept that maybe the way he felt his life should be was silly. He'd never be female, no matter how much he wanted. But he could have Perry, and that made him happy. And when he was with Wildfire, Raven or Nightjar, it was almost like he was with his own pups. It was the closest he was going to get, and the thought of not being with Perry made Pan work hard to control his tears each time it passed his mind.
Pan insisted it would be a sham. Peregrine knew he truly believed this, though he believed that, given time and opportunity, Pan could let go of his feelings for Peregrine and find love in someone new. For reasons unknown, the Alpha did not presently consider that his lover could have his cake and eat it too, just like he himself did. He was too caught up in feeling certain he wasn't giving Pan the life and love he deserved.
"Yes," the Alpha answered honestly when questioned. "I love you too," he repeated. It could never be said enough. "I want you to stay in my life and I hope you do, whether it's as lovers or friends," he said, thinking briefly of his breakup with Lasher. "I want you to be happy. That's what I'm saying. I'm wondering if you'd be happier if you and I took a step back and you had the time and ability to find someone who can be more dedicated to you." He hoped that made sense. "Because that's what you deserve."
Peregrine touched nose to the Gamma's shoulder. He didn't want to hurt Pan. He sincerely wanted him to be happy and to have whatever he wanted from life. The Alpha knew this included children. Even if Pan didn't agree with him today (or ever) that he wasn't worth that kind of sacrifice, he wanted to make sure they at least talked about this. And maybe there was a compromise somewhere in there that he just couldn't see right at the moment.
Pantaleimon didn't understand, couldn't wrap his brains around what Perry was trying to say. He still couldn't even figure out whether Perry really wanted Pan to be happy and misguidedly thought that being happy would be easiest without him, or if he was just looking for an excuse, if Perry had just had enough of Pan.
"Aren't you dedicated? I — You love me, right? That's all I want from you, so how - why do you think that's not enough?" Pantaleimon said with a frown. "I... Don't you want —" Pantaleimon swallowed difficultly, finding the words hard to say, "— me to play a part in your pups' lives? I mean, I... I know they wouldn't be really mine, but with the pups, it still feels sort of like they are, sort of. Is that too... Are you afraid I'll..." Pan wasn't sure how to explain. Maybe 'that I would be overbearing' was the best way to phrase it, but he couldn't get the words out of his gullet. Maybe because he didn't want to believe that maybe Perry was afraid of that. He just wanted everything to be okay again.
He didn't reply to the first question. But the second one he answered easily. "Yes. Haven't I said as much, like, twenty times today?" Peregrine asked, his voice slightly exasperated but his tone kindly. "And, yes, I'd like you to be part of the pups' lives..." Maybe he wasn't hitting the nail on the head here. Before he could continue, Pan said some key words that caused the Alpha's lips to draw into a line of consternation.
"Pan..." he began slowly. "They won't be yours. You won't be their parent. That's what I'm trying to tell you. I want you involved and think you'd be a great dad. But I'm their dad and Fox is their mother. And when the time comes, I'll be very dedicated to her and to them." Maybe that's what he was really trying to say: that he wouldn't have time for Pan. And maybe that was the cold, hard truth, but it was also true that Peregrine wanted Pan to be happy too.
"I know Fox cares for you," he continued after a brief pause, "but she won't want to share the parenting with anybody but me. Everyone else in the pack will help to raise them, including you, but they will be ours and only ours. That's what I'm trying to say," Peregrine repeated. "And you deserve more than that. That is my entire point," he finished and fell silent.
There you go, you screwed it up again, Pantaleimon thought to himself with he showed no more than a frown on his face and a placid expression in his eyes. It had been difficult to say the words at all — not because Pan didn't want to face that he wasn't the real parent, because he knew that, but because he was afraid for the reaction — and now it felt like any more would be doubly hard. Pantaleimon focussed on breathing as to not lose control of himself and his emotions, but it was getting increasingly harder.
"What if I don't want all that?" Pan murmured. "What if this is enough for me?" Even if he only had Perry half of the year, it was still better than nothing. And even if he wouldn't be a real parent to the puppies, Pantaleimon still longed to be close to them. If he didn't have Perry — and Redhawk Caldera — Pan wasn't sure where he'd even go, or what he'd do. Reek had a whole life where he lived now, and his mate hated Pan. And the last thing Pan wanted was to leave Perry's side, anyway.
Of course it wouldn't ever be truly enough not to be Perry's first and only love, but Pantaleimon had learned to roll with the punches of life. And he knew from experience that things didn't get much better than the past rollercoaster months he'd spent with Perry. He didn't want to lose the bliss that life had thrown at him for the first time in his life.
Pan raised two points and Peregrine didn't say anything for a long moment. "I think you think that and feel that way now. But if you really took some time to consider it... you might feel differently. I want you to really think about it, Pan. For now, we don't have to make any decisions. The pups won't even be born until after winter. But I want you really give everything I've said some thought, okay?"
At long last, he began moving again. His limbs felt strangely jellylike and he could feel his pulse quickening. Peregrine realized he had needed to get these things out in the open but it hadn't been easy. He could only imagine what a number he'd just done on Pan. It was clear that his repeated I love yous were getting muddled by the rest of the message and he just hoped his lover knew deep down that he truly meant those words.
"You know..." he began quietly after a stretch of silence, "let's say we did decide to call off our relationship. Would anything even have to change? That's something else to consider." They were definitely more intimate than mere friends, though their relationship wasn't physical. So if they concluded that they would work better in a platonic relationship, they could carry on exactly as they did now... well, almost.
When Perry came into motion, eventually Pantaleimon followed suit. His legs felt wobbly and like they wouldn't hold. Perry told him to give things some thought, but all Pan wanted was for things to be normal again. And it was clear they wouldn't be, because Perry sounded like he had already made his decisions. Whether it was really because Perry felt like he knew better what was good for Pan, or because he wanted out but found it too hard to tell, Pantaleimon felt like nothing he'd say would change a thing.
"I'll think about it," Pantaleimon said, although he didn't sound like he wanted to, or thought that thinking would change his mind at all.
Perry asked if anything would need to change, and Pan's ears slid back against his skull as he shot Perry a hurt look. While the subject of sex was one that was frightening to Pantaleimon, even after all this time, it was also something that he had always thought they would explore after Perry — and then Pan [/mdash] got better from his injury. "I thought you wanted..." he said, frowning. "I thought we were still exploring.. that.." But it seemed that with the havering in their health, so those plans had skidded to a halt without Pantaleimon even noticing it. He didn't even know if he wanted it, and perhaps that was why Pan hadn't brought it up himself, perfectly content with snuggling and spending time together.
"I.. I couldn't call you my lover, or tell you that I love you, or snuggle up real close-like and snuggle into your fur when I fall asleep," Pantaleimon said, and he felt emotion tremor his voice as he spoke, at the thought of losing all of those things. Of losing Perry.
He didn't catch the hurt look on Pan's face, though he heard it in the male's crestfallen tone. Again, Peregrine didn't answer right away. Somewhere along the line, he had ceased in even mentally pursuing a more physical relationship with Pan. He hadn't even been aware of it until now. Fox did a good job of keeping him satisfied in that sense, so he had never worried too much about pursuing it with Pan. Now, he honestly felt like he could take it or leave it. That realization struck him and wounded him in a way. Of course, he wouldn't say that out loud.
"I'm fine with the way things are," Peregrine said in what he hoped was a reassuring tone. "I'm not wanting for anything with you, Pan." He paused, considering his lover's small refutes. "You can still love me and I can still love you. We can still sleep close together. None of those things has to change, really." Because none of those things were strictly reserved for romantic relationships. "We'll still be family—if that's what you want—no matter what."
There was a part of Peregrine that wondered about that, though. If Pan either came to the realization on his own or else Peregrine forced him away, would he eventually decided to cut himself loose, like Lasher had? Would they end up on horrible terms like the two of them? Peregrine's insides quivered at the thought, though he reminded himself that Lasher's hatred for him had a lot more to do with Junior than their actual relationship.
Pantaleimon barely breathed during the painstakingly long moment of silence in which Peregrine seemed to consider things. Even though Pantaleimon didn't even really want sex, he still felt terrible to hear Perry say he no longer cared for such things. Pantaleimon thought back to the days that Perry had teased him and had looked teased at the thought that Pan was not yet his, but some day... Now, it was like he'd friendzoned Pantaleimon and Pan hadn't realised 'til it was too late.
He must think I'm ugly, Pan thought painfully to himself. Or that I'm too slow, or that I don't want anything sexual with him. I should've moved sooner. But Pan didn't really want any of those things, either — still, he realised only too well that if he had pretended to want them, maybe this wouldn't be happening right now.
"Why not?" Pan found himself asking. He didn't really want to hear that he was unappealing in any way, but maybe he needed to. Or maybe Perry would wrap up those words in a soft pillow, blanketing the truth with sweet words. "I don't want to be family. I want to be your lover. I want you to... to want me to be..." But that wasn't going to happen. I thought that was what you wanted too, Pan thought, feeling surly. He didn't want to be pushed away. He'd accepted being second to Fox, even though she was what Pantaleimon really wanted to be, knowing the limitations to his physique. He'd accepted that, knowing it might not get better than that; and now he was losing even that. The feeling was almost as intense as the terrifying feeling of losing Perry when he had gotten his eye hurt; except that it was worse, because now it wasn't something else that was taking Perry away from Pan — it was his own fault for not being good enough.
He didn't understand Pan's next question. Why not what? he thought and opened his mouth to clarify when the Gamma said something else. Peregrine's lips pressed together. He knew what Pan wanted: he wanted him. But he also wanted a family of his own. Perhaps it was a bit patronizing to think he knew what was best for his pale companion, yet his concern came from a (mostly) good place.
"Too late," Peregrine quipped, trying to catch Pan's eye so he knew he was kidding. "We're already family. Those things aren't mutually exclusive," he explained, then shrugged. It wasn't the time to get hung up on semantics.
"You said 'why not?' but I'm not sure I understand what you meant," he pressed gently in the next breath. "Why not what?"
It didn't seem like the right time for jokes. Pan knew what Perry meant, but it wasn't what Pan had intended to say at all. Before he could complain about the misinterpration of his words, Perry asked about the details of Pan's earlier question, though, so he decided not to comment.
Pantaleimon heard a lot of 'you's in there, but very little about what Peregrine himself wanted, which worried him. It made it unpredictable and unsure for him whether Perry really wanted this to end, or if he was just falsely thinking that Pan really needed or wanted this to end even if Perry himself didn't.
"Why don't you want things with me?" Pan asked. He knew it was stupid and unfair to ask Perry about this when he himself didn't even want to have sex, but still... He couldn't help but feel ugly and unwanted for it. "Is that why you want it to end? Is it because... because you're not attracted to me anymore? Do you think I'm hideous?" Pan looked away when he said the last bit, unable to look Perry in the eye because he was afraid for the answers.
For a moment, he still didn't know what Pan meant. Then he realized he must be referring to the physical aspect of the relationship. Before he could answer, his lover assaulted him with questions borne from insecurity. The Alpha knew he was probably doing a number on that. He frowned. Maybe he should have given some sort of warning, somehow, before just springing all of this on the sweet Gamma.
"No! You're not hideous, Pan. You're beautiful." He said it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I just don't think about it much anymore," he admitted. "Fox keeps me happy in that department, so it's not like I'm left high and dry. And with fall coming up and my brain on pups, I'm sort of developing a one-track mind..."
Peregrine came to a halt again as he tried to sort his own thoughts. "I guess I'm trying to warn you, in a way. I'm going to be very caught up in making babies with my wife soon. And I don't want to leave you out in the cold. You don't deserve that, Pan. This whole conversation boils down to me thinking that I'm not going to give you everything you want, everything you deserve. I know you love me but I don't think I'm necessarily what's best for you."
It hurt more than Pantaleimon could admit to anyone that Perry said that Fox kept him happy. Even if Pan didn't like sex because it reminded him of what he was, it didn't mean that he liked the love of his life saying that he was satisfied with another woman. He didn't need Pan, because he had Fox. That was really what he was trying to say. The soft way that Perry had said that Pan was beautiful did little to soften the blows, because in the end, beautiful wasn't equal to 'good enough'. And 'good enough', well, that was all Pantaleimon really wanted to be. It made Pan realise how little Perry and Fox really understood how he felt on the inside, how he felt about himself. It wasn't just about having pups or losing Perry. It was about being ditched because another woman was enough and he was painstakingly obviously not a woman, let alone a Fox. He knew that. He'd accepted that. But now it was slammed in his face and Pan didn't know how to even begin explaining how that felt.
It also reminded Pantaleimon once more that the pups they were going to have together weren't Pan's, and were never going to be Pan's. Perhaps Pan should've inquired about it or talked it through with Fox and Perry beforehand; how they saw him in regards to their pups. To Pan, it'd always been like they were his own, even the 1.0 version of the 'Birds. It became painstakingly clear that Pan's expectations had been too high. For a wolf who didn't often have high expectations, it hurt to see them pierced.
Pan swallowed difficultly while he tried to gather words. He didn't even want to try and explain how this made him feel, because would Perry even understand? Of course not, because it was utterly silly. Pan's entire existence was utterly silly. "I don't want to be beautiful, if it's not good enough," Pan murmured, looking away again. "I guess I need to think about this." Mostly Pantaleimon felt suffocated and wanted out of this situation, this conversation, this patrol. He just wanted out of the uncomfortable feeling and into Perry's embrace.
Except this time, it was Perry who was causing him so much pain, and so there was no one to run to anymore. He didn't know where he'd go, but he wanted to go somewhere and be alone to mull things over in his mind and try to deal with the overwhelming emotions, somehow.
Although Pan's remark was not a particularly self-deprecating one, it triggered something in Peregrine. Suddenly he felt sort of angry about his lover's inability to recognize his own self-worth. What this really boiled down to was the fact that Peregrine wasn't good enough for Pantaleimon, yet the Alpha knew the Gamma probably didn't see that at all.
"You are enough, Pan. You are beautiful and good and kind and all manner of wonderful things. You need to recognize that and stop thinking you're not worthy. And don't place your value on what any particular person—including me—thinks of you. You're right: beauty isn't enough. But you're also smart, kind. You're important, Pan. I do hope you take the time to think about everything that was said today... and that, at the end, you come to realize this. That you deserve the fucking world. No," he corrected himself. "That you deserve to be the center of someone's universe."
Sensing that Pan wasn't sure what to do with himself or where to go right now, Peregrine decided to make it easy for him by making himself scarce. "I really do love you," the swarthy wolf said, his one-eyed glance lingering on Pan's stricken face for a moment before he turned and loped away to give Pan some space to breathe... and think.
There was a lingering sadness in Pantaleimon's gaze when Peregrine spoke. It didn't make things much better. When you loved someone as much as Pantaleimon loved Peregrine, 'you deserve better' wasn't going to make a difference about how you felt. It sure didn't for Pan, anyway. Pantaleimon grimaced when Peregrine said that he did love Pan. He didn't know how to respond, and so he ended up not responding at all.
All he could do was watch as Peregrine made himself scarce, and Pan watched him as he walked away, halting and staring after him, almost as though he thought it the last time he'd ever see his lover. Then with a sigh, Pan continued the patrol. He felt like he was bursting at the seams, but nothing was coming out, and so Pan continued on along Redhawk Caldera's borders, feeling lost.