After the kick at the hunt, Pantaleimon needed some time to recuperate. He felt terrible for screwing up in the hunt; he'd been so out of focus he hadn't noticed any of the prey he was practically running into. Terrible shame befell him just thinking of it, but Pantaleimon pushed it from his mind. Absent-mindedly he wandered through Redhawk territory, a slight limp in his step because of the ache the kick in the side caused, but no permanent damage done.
His thoughts wandered over Peregrine, the problem that he still had found no solution to. The wolf he'd met after his conversation with Perry seemed set that maybe it was better to detach himself from Perry. Pan didn't want to leave him, though; Perry was all he had. And what about Wildfire, Raven and Nightjar? Pan loved them as he would his own pups, as did he feel loyalty towards the rest of the pack, such as Elwood, Finley and their little brood. Being here was much more than just being Perry's lover... But at the same time, Pan wasn't sure he could be here anymore if he wasn't Perry's lover. The pain of looking at Perry and Fox and their pups would be too great to bear. It already nearly was, now. And so he wandered on, indecisive as always, while he tried to ignore both the pain in his side as well as the pain in his mind.
Peregrine wandered too, taking a break from Fox to catch up on hunting and patrols. When he found himself suddenly crossing paths with Pan, he froze. A large part of him wanted to catch up with his white companion, see how he was doing both physically and emotionally. But then he wanted to make sure he didn't infringe on Pan's space, especially at a time like this. The next batch of Firebirds would be here sooner than he had ever expected.
Then again, maybe he should do the kind thing and let Pan know (if he didn't already). Maybe it would help him make a decision about everything. Abruptly, the Alpha pointed his toes at the Gamma and slowly closed the space between them. For the moment, he didn't reach out and touch the other wolf in any way. He hung back about two feet, gauging Pan's expression.
"Hey," he said warmly, his tail giving a brief wag. "Do you have a minute? If you'd rather not talk, I can go," Peregrine added.
Pantaleimon's ear folded back when he first noticed Peregrine headed towards him. Pan's stomach twisted into a knot because he knew something was coming. And if their previous encounter had taught Pan anything, it was to trust his gut instinct more. He halted and turned to look at Perry, feeling withdrawn but hoping that Perry would reach out to him anyway. Show him, some way, that he still loved him, that this didn't have to be the end of things between them. A worried frown on his face displayed this clear, his eyes shimmering with hope, even though he knew it to be false hope. Looking at Perry, Pan realised that he still loved him more than anything in the world.
It wasn't usually good news when someone wanted to 'talk'. Pan numbly nodded, waiting for the touch that didn't come. It was almost like a slap in the face; like someone said "I know he said it was your choice, but it's not, really". Pan clung on desperately to the last straws of hope, but as he looked at Peregrine's face, he felt them slowly unwinding beneath his paws, the rug pulled from underneath. He didn't say anything, although he opened his mouth, but no more than a misplaced squeak came out. The nod would have to do.
It appeared Pan wasn't able to speak, which wasn't necessarily unusual for him. Taking his nod as consent, Peregrine offered him a quick smile and then couldn't stop himself from reaching out to give the pale wolf a companionable bump to the muzzle. Unaware of how much this might mean to Pan at this very moment, Peregrine then fell back onto his haunches.
"Fox went into heat much sooner than we thought she would," he said frankly, "and so the next batch of Firebirds will be here before we know it. I wanted you to know." What he would do with that information was entirely up to Pan, though the Alpha did add hopefully, "We definitely want you involved in their lives, if you're still wanting to be. You've been more than great with our first litter. But do whatever you need to do and we'll understand."
His words floated on the air in between them and Peregrine suddenly felt like he shouldn't have said that last part. It just sounded so careless. His lips pursed and he looked at Pan apologetically. He wanted Pan around but he also wanted him to do whatever was best for him. Those two things might not be compatible. He just wanted to let his lover know he understood and supported whatever choice he made for himself. He really did want to see Pan happy.
There was a flutter in Pan's stomach as Perry reached out to touch his nose, and it was as though he barely remembered what it'd felt like when Perry had said he wanted nothing sexual to do with Pan. As Perry said down, Pan fidgeted a moment and looked around the ground, as though scouring for a good place to sit or deciding whether or not he was going to sit down at all, before eventually sitting down in front of Peregrine.
The signals of what he then said felt very mixed. Pan was trying to find the words beyond the words, the things they meant, and what Perry wanted. "What..." Pan swallowed, trying to get the weird squeaky tone from his voice as he spoke. "What does it mean? To be involved?" Pantaleimon shook his head almost straight after he spoke, realising that that wasn't quite the question he wanted to ask. He knew what he wanted it to mean, and so perhaps it'd be easier to sketch that picture instead of subtly fishing for Perry to say what he wanted. Even if the outcome might hurt.
"I... I want us to b-be a family, Perry. I want — I want to be more than just that pack wolf that's the caretaker so she's around the pups a lot, I... I want to be with you, I want to be by your side, and — and that means by Fox and the pups' side, too, as — as a family." Pantaleimon swallowed dryly, trying to get the weird feeling from his mouth, but it didn't want to go away. He looked at Perry, trying to read his face, and prepared for whatever joy or heartbreak might come.
He finally spoke and Peregrine heard him out before attempting to respond. This time around, he tried to choose his words a bit more thoughtfully as he replied, "It means we want you to be as involved as you want to be in helping to raise them. You won't be their mother or father," he reminded Pan gently, "but family? Definitely."
There was one tiny word that was sticking out in Peregrine's mind. "You just referred to yourself as 'she,'" he pointed out in a soft voice. "We haven't talked about where you're at with that in a while," Peregrine thought aloud. Surely that was further complicating this matter. Maybe Pan just wanted to be a woman and have Peregrine all to himself (herself).
But even if Peregrine was willing to treat Pan like a lady if that's what he really wanted, nothing could change the Gamma's body physically. And even if they could do that somehow, they would be stuck in a catch twenty-two; Fox would never share Peregrine with another (biological) woman. The Alpha bit back a sigh as he pondered these things and waited to see if Pan wanted to talk about it.
It was still very unclear to Pan what it meant, precisely, to be 'family'. He was feeling as though his definition of the word and that of Perry's weren't exactly the same. Did Perry mean family in the broad sense of the word, like he considered all of the pack family, or did he really mean family? Lasher's words resounded in Pan's head, reminding Pan of what a selfish creature Perry was; but Pan then reminded himself that he didn't even know the guy he'd met in the berry field all that well. And he knew Perry. He wasn't going to let a stranger's opinion of someone change things for him, was he..?
Pan swallowed and gathered his courage while he said: "Why not? I mean, not... I know I won't really be, I know that. But if... if we're a family, then why not sort of? I mean, I — what does that make me? What parts do I come in and don't? I guess I just can't really... picture how things will be. And I... I thought I'd be sort of more like a full part of this, but..." Obviously he'd thought wrong on that, their previous conversation had pointed out. Pan wasn't sure how to explain his question, because it was all frumpled in his mind, too. He was fine with being 'Pan' and not mommy or daddy, but he wasn't fine with being snapped away from them or not being included in special occasions. More than anything, Pan just wanted to be a part of this. And be by Perry's side.
Pantaleimon looked a little uneasy as Peregrine brought up the fact he'd referred to himself as a 'she'; it had gone unnoticed to Pan until it was brought to light. "Oh... You're right." Pan smiled lightly, looking a little caught out. "I... I guess I'm just used to uhm, not talking about it, 'cause it's just so... weird." Even Pantaleimon thought it weird, so how could anyone else not?
"Here's the thing," Peregrine began only after weighing Pan's questions a moment. "I've never done this before. Fox has never done this before. Furthermore, I can't speak for her. So I don't know how to answer your questions yet. We would have to figure it out as we go. And to be frank, I know Fox well enough to know she will guard her parental rights. She's open-minded but she's very, very traditional about family matters. The fact of the matter is, I just don't know how the dynamic will play out... or if you might get hurt in the process." And it was up to Pan whether or not to take that risk.
He knew the Gamma deserved a better answer than that. The Alpha let out a breath, mulled for a moment longer, then said, "I can't think of any reason either Fox or I would edge you out of most things. We will probably name them ourselves. And then you can't nurse them, obviously, but neither can I. But as far as raising them, we invite the entire pack to help. We can always sit down and talk to her if you like. About what she is and isn't willing to share." She wasn't in this relationship, yet there would have to be some crossover from time to time if it continued.
"It is weird," Peregrine agreed, although there was a gentle smile on his face, "but that doesn't make it bad or anything. You're just different... in a good way." He paused, absently wetting his lips. "So do you identify more as a dude or a lady these days?" he couldn't help but wonder out loud.
Perry's words were not as painful as Pantaleimon had feared, and for the first time he was glad that he had taken the plunge of being honest and sharing what he wanted to try and fix things. One of his problems was that Pan just didn't know what he wanted either, nor how things'd play out. Everything would be fine if he had a mate and if Fox and Perry'd give them breeding rights (and if Pan'd actually be able to perform). They could share in their pups and everything would be as it should be... Right? Pan couldn't think of a much better scenario than that, anyway; he'd get Perry and his own pups, and Perry's pups on top of things. Fox was the biggest wildcard. He remembered what the guy he'd met had said; Fox was the source of the misery. But Perry loved Fox, and therefore Pan didn't want to hurt her. He just... sort of wished she wasn't there so that Perry was all his.
The thought made Pan feel guilty in terrible ways, and Pan quickly tried to suppress the thoughts. He smiled hastily at Perry and said: "Thanks..." Even though no guarantees had been given. They'd have to see how things would go on their own, a thought that was both exciting in some ways, but terrifying in many more. Especially the thought that Perry wasn't turned on by him in any sort of way was a bit frightening. Pan didn't want sex, but being exciting at least made him feel like he had more grip on Peregrine's feelings, as though it'd make Perry stay with him, if not only for that little part of him. He couldn't explain or justify the feelings of fear this brought to himself, but they were still there.
The subject of Pantaleimon's gender made him feel uncomfortable too, and he looked away briefly while he thought of it. At least Perry didn't think him weird, well, not in a bad way. "I uhm... I don't really know, I guess." Pantaleimon smiled awkwardly. "I mean, I still uhm... still want all of the, uh, girl things, but I know it's not possible, so..." I might as well live with it somehow. The last words weren't spoke aloud, for by the time he thought of them too much time had passed to squeeze them in without looking awkward.
He seemed to have put some of Pan's concerns to rest, at least for the moment. Now the topic of the hour was his gender. Peregrine could see his companion's uneasiness with the subject even before he spoke. He bobbed his head. He wouldn't press it if it made Pan uncomfortable. The dark Alpha couldn't imagine what it must be like to have such an impossible yearning, a wish to be something you weren't and could never be.
"This is not the same thing," he said after a moment, "but when I first became involved with Lasher, I struggled a lot with my sexual identity. I made some mistakes because of it and probably hurt him, though he didn't mention it at the time." Peregrine's lips pursed and he glanced at Pan's face before deciding this wasn't a good change of subject. "Anyway, my point being that it's not weird to struggle with who you are sometimes, that's all."
A quiet moment passed and the swarthy wolf wondered, "I was gonna try to get some hunting done, get the caches where I want them before it really starts to get cold. You can come with me, though you don't have to." He would love Pan's company but he understood that everything still wasn't hunky dory between them. As with all things these days, he left the choice entirely in the white Gamma's hands.
Pantaleimon was surprised to hear Peregrine mention Lasher. Was that the wolf he had met at the berry field after his last difficult talk with Perry? Or was it yet another lover that had once been involved with and hurt by Perry? Pan quickly shook the thoughts from his head, because they didn't matter. He was here with Perry now, and that made him feel somewhat at ease, though afraid of the future and what it might bring.
Even though Perry tried to reassure him, Pantaleimon still felt weird. Perry said that he'd go for a hunt, but Pan said: "Wait!" Even though Perry hadn't actually left yet. "Uhm, I... I want to lay with you... At our spot by the water." It felt like forever since they had visited that spot. Pan knew as gamekeeper that keeping the caches filled was important too, but all he wanted was some alone time with Perry, and to not feel so detached and left out of Perry's life.
Although Pan's request conflicted directly with his intentions to hunt, Peregrine only hesitated for a split second before bobbing his head and saying, "All right." If that's what Pan wanted, then he would do it. "Will you hunt with me afterward?" he asked, not because he felt the Gamma would owe him in any way but simply because he always enjoyed having a hunting partner, especially if it was Pan.
"Lead the way," he said in the next moment, waiting to fall into step beside Pan. He found himself hoping this could work out for all involved, though there was a feeling deep down that it couldn't. He ignored it for now, tail switching as they began to walk to their destination.
Pantaleimon smiled softly when Perry agreed to spend some time together with him before they'd go on a hunt. Pan agreed to go hunting afterwards with a nod and a smile. "Of course." Pantaleimon had always enjoyed hunting — though mostly because he was good at it and therefore felt confident when he hunted — and so he wouldn't mind going for a hunt after.
Upon Perry's directions, Pantaleimon started to lead the way towards 'their' spot. He softly nuzzled the fur in Perry's neck as they walked, trying to test Perry's mood, hoping it was good. Pan didn't want Perry to tag along just because it was Pan and because Pan wanted some attention; he wanted Perry to tag along because he wanted to be intimate with Pan, too, even if it wasn't sex. Pan just wanted to cuddle more.
It would be difficult being away from Fox for any length of time, considering her heat, yet he didn't imagine she would mind too much. She would probably get some sleep, so they could go an extra long time when he got back. Peregrine grinned to himself. Simultaneously, Pan's nose touched his neck. Although the smile wasn't brought on by him, the Alpha turned it upon him like some sort of low-wattage lamp. His tail waved too.
When they reached their destination, Peregrine motioned for the Gamma to get comfortable, then sprawled beside him, black and white fur mingling. His mind had wandered to Fox and their upcoming pups again, though he blinked rapidly and tried to clear his head. Pan deserved his undivided attention. Leaning toward his companion, the Alpha nipped at the rabbit-soft fur beneath Pan's ear.
Perry at least seemed a little happier now, and Pantaleimon smiled softly as they walked towards their destination in silence. There was something weird, a feeling, that clung to Pantaleimon, but he tried not to let it get to his head. He really did want things to be normal again, but during that walk and thinking back to the various difficult conversations they'd had, Pan wondered if they would be. Would they ever be a family — Pan, Fox and Perry? Would Pan ever be a real part of that family? Maybe things just weren't as nature intended for Pan, and perhaps that meant he wasn't meant to be a part of this family. What if he was just messing things up by even trying?
Pan tried to shake off the thoughts as they reached their destination and he lay down. The touch of Perry's fur was comforting, and Pantaleimon was able to set his worries aside even if for just a little bit. He smiled as Perry touched the soft, fluffy fur behind his ear, and wished that this moment could be framed to last forever so that he wouldn't need to go back into the weird world of worry and discomfort again.
Pan smiled and Peregrine did the same. Although it was true that he didn't feel any particular sensual stirring around the Gamma lately, he too enjoyed the intimacy. Although he considered all members of Redhawk Caldera his family, he was closer to some than others. He would probably never share this kind of closeness with Dean, for instance, despite sharing blood. It was something special he shared only with a reserve few, Pan included.
Because of his absolute comfort and peace of mind in his companion's presence, Peregrine let his chin sink down over Pan's back. He closed his eyes. He didn't mean to fall asleep—he needed to hunt, not nap—but Pan's warmth and the sound of the nearby water lulled him and soon the Alpha was drifting.
Pantaleimon closed his eyes, but thoughts kept flooding his mind when he tried to relax. He sighed softly and relaxed as he enjoyed the closeness of Peregrine. A life without Perry seemed impossible and silly to even consider, but the gnawing feeling that Perry might not feel the same about him kept bothering Pan. Still, it couldn't really get much better in Pan's situation. It wasn't like he could be an actual girl and carry Perry's pups to give him everything he actually wanted... And so this would have to make do.
Perry's breathing slowed as he fell asleep, and Pantaleimon smiled, gently leaning his head on Perry's fur. He looked at the scenic water for a while before his eyes eventually closed and he drifted off to sleep too, leaving his thoughts be for the moment.