Wolf RPG

Thoughts meandered through Pantaleimon's head as the fireflies bobbed through the darkening skies as Pan wandered through the glen around sunset. Even though his last meeting with Peregrine had gone well and they'd cuddled and hunted together, Pantaleimon could not shake the feeling of impending doom and he feared greatly for the time the pups would be born. Where at one point he had considered it a great thing, and had figured he'd be, like, their fairy godmother — or -father — and that Fox and Perry would consider him to be almost like an equal parent, that dream had been crushed, and replaced by one of utter uncertainty. Perry had made it sound like everything was going to be okay, but what if it wasn't going to be? The thought of leaving Perry and Redhawk was frightening, and Pan just didn't know what to do. And where would he go? To Reek's pack? Would the Alpha female Pan'd 'met' even let him join? It seemed so long since he had seen Reek, too. And what about Perry? The thought of leaving behind Perry, of losing him, brought a knot to Pan's stomach too heavy to bear.

With the pent up emotions raging free, Pantaleimon sighed while he watched the pink and orange skies. They looked beautiful, and in no way represented the way he felt. Pan glanced back at the jittery fireflies, and while it was a beautiful display, they represented better how torn and chaotic Pan felt on the inside.

Rosalyn's teeth closed with a sharp click as she snapped at yet another Lightning bug, this time coming up empty.  A few had already gone down her gullet; they tasted like nothing, but the blinking lights made devilishly fun targets.  Another lit up beside her head and she struck, this time entrapping it and dispatching with a quick chomp. Roz 1, bug 0.

Her fun was interrupted by a white specter in the dim light, another wolf who seemed keen on watching the show the insects put on. At first she failed to recognize him and made to slink away. Large loners she didn't want to tussle with unless there was something to gain - or lose. But then memory clicked and she shook her head. Well well.

"Hey kitten, how're things holding out in paradise?" She came up beside and sat down, displaying a slight and crooked smile at the use of her nickname for him. She just couldn't help it... No matter his size, it seemed every time she met him, he had the same small and lost expression on his face. Like a kitten stuck out in the rain. It was infuriatingly adorable, though the Rivaini had trouble imagining the thoughts that would lead to such a thing. One who had no home had a hard time feeling lost most days.

Pantaleimon did not even notice Rosalyn until she approached him, so lost in his thoughts was he. Perhaps if it had been less dark out or if Roz hadn't been a bundle of optimism she might have noticed that something was off about Pan, that his soft expression was feeling a little melancholic and down, but somehow the way she greeted him and her silly nickname brought the ghost of a smile to his lips anyway. "Hey Roz," he said, and only then did he realise how long it had been since they had seen each other last.

"I... Complicated." That was the only word that Pantaleimon could think of to describe the current situation. Thinking of ways to describe how he felt made Pan sad, because it made him realise that if he had a choice in the matter, he'd really just want Fox out of the picture and himself more.. girl-like.. and able to have pups, and standing by Perry's side. What a laughable dream, Pan thought wryly, and besides that he felt guilty for ever thinking it. Fox didn't deserve that, and Perry loved Fox, so neither did he.

He did look a bit bluer than usual.  Rosalyn wasn't the most comforting of souls but she wasn't completely heartless (much as she would deny it if it was implied).  "Mhm".  She didn't doubt it.  Things were messy when affection grew and one started caring about the feelings of others.  A lot of the reason why she preferred a more proactive, easy philosophy - if you want it, take it.  If you don't, walk away.

"I can't promise I will listen well, but I'm currently unoccupied." She shrugged.  Sage advice wasn't her forte but Pan was enough an acquaintance by now that she could lend an ear.

Besides, complicated usually meant interesting, and as a loner she got precious few juicy tales.  One of the things she did miss from the old days.

Pantaleimon wasn't much of a natural when it came to talking about feelings: while he had a lot of feels, they often refused to come out, and he wasn't sure how to make them without being overwhelmed and dwindling in negative circles, nor did he really know how to talk about them. He naturally wanted to relieve others of their burdens instead of adding to them, too, which didn't help.

Yet when Roz offered a listening ear, he gratefully took it, knowing that maybe an outsider's view was what he needed (forgetting for a moment that Roz knew Fox). "Well, uhm... I have this — this thing with uhm, Perry." Pan didn't remember if he'd told Roz before and he looked to see her reaction. "And he's also got a mate and they're going to have more pups and I guess I sort of imagined I'd be kind of like a parent to them too, but..." Pan trailed off after saying all that in one breath, not even sure how to describe the problematic of the 'but'. "I don't know what to do, uhm... not sure if they really.. know.. what they want. I mean, I want to be a m-uhm, a parent, but I dunno if I'll ever even meet a girl who'll want... me." Pantaleimon looked at the ground, feeling like a dumb idiot for many reasons — for holding out for Perry, for wanting things that he simply could not have and that would never happen, and for not being happy enough with the things he did have. There was a twinge of guilt too, as he said it, because he knew that he didn't really want a girl. He wanted Perry, and to be the girl. He couldn't really tell Roz that, though.

He stuttered out a response and she waited semi-patiently, keeping her amusement at his halting and tentative speech to a minimum.  She didn't want to discourage him from telling by laughing at him for the delivery.  She'd met all sorts, so his relationship with this Perry didn't shock her one bit.  But she did wonder how deep in Pan was.  Love had a nasty habit of building up pedestals and, once built, falling off of them almost immediately.  Disappointment was almost a given, and if he was that deep, it seemed he was finding out the hard way.  She didn't recommend love one bit.  She wasn't going to say never, not even for herself, but it would have to be a damn good thing to make her play those odds.

"Sorry to say it, but that doesn't sound complicated to me at all.  You gotta tell them what you want, right off the bat.  Find out if they are willing to give it."  She shook her head.  "Now you have to choose.  Heartbreak is easy.  Sticks around a while, then it goes.  But a lifetime of disappointment?  That's forever."  Never settling was an idea she believed wholeheartedly in, even with her loose ways.  She made sure what she got was what she wanted, and if not, she was quick to find it elsewhere.  She eyed Pan appraisingly... wondering if it was really love for this Perry character, or a lack of confidence in his ability to find someone else, that had him stumbling over a decision.

Pantaleimon frowned while Roz spoke, not really hearing what he wanted to hear. Part of him had hoped that she'd just come round and tell him that any girl would be a fool not to like him. But maybe it was for the best that she didn't, because whatever Pan wanted from her, it would be a sham and a lie, anyway. And now at least he had confirmation that it was never going to happen. Yet another thing that was never going to happen.

"I'm not sure Perry even knows what he wants me to be," Pan sighed softly as he looked away, feeling even worse now. The thing he felt like doing most was to just run away, but he'd never been one for running away. He'd stayed for years with the Nereides wolves, not because he loved them, but because he was taught and told to. Now it was a different thing that kept him in place — love — but Pan wasn't sure if Perry really felt as intensely in love as Pantaleimon himself did.

Then again, did it matter if he did? Could you really rate love, anyway? And if he didn't love Pan all that much, did that matter it was over, or just a little less great?

Even though Roz had tried to simplify things, they still felt really hard and tangled in Pan's head. He glanced back at Roz for a moment, a sorrowful and confused look in his silver eyes, and then away at the landscape, even though he wasn't really looking at anything, lost in his difficult thoughts.

The thought had crossed her mind to patronize him with hope for future relationships and a family, but that wasn't really her style.  One could tell how she regarded them by how honest she was with them.... the previous would likely have been the case if she was trying to get away.

She did have a hard time empathizing as Pan went on. Perry sounds like a dish she'd have passed by long ago. Why stick with something that wasnt exactly what you wanted? She was selfish and harsh when it came to relationships, though. It seemed he was willing to deal with the bad for the good. She on the other hand didn't even stick around to learn the bad before flitting away.

"I can't make the decision for you, but if I was you, kitten, I'd drop him like last week's fish. Doesn't sound like it's worth the trouble to me." She pulled her tail in close and shook her head lightly, still somewhat amused by what she saw as his naive confusion. Life was so much simpler when you took it for all it was worth.

Roz went on to say that she would drop Perry if she was him, which caused Pan more doubt. He frowned as he thought it over, wondering if it was really for the best. But every time he but thought of turning away from Perry, his heart ached, and so it didn't really seem like a real option. "Thanks for the advice," Pan said with a broken smile, before he decided it was better to change the subject rather than patter on along this road.

And so Pantaleimon looked at Roz and asked, "Do you think you could ever have a relationship?" Well, okay, maybe not an entirely different subject, then.

She had no idea if Pan would take her advice or no, and frankly, she had no stake in his happiness.  If he chose to stay, that was his perogative. She could only give her opinion. He seemed keen on letting the subject of his own romantic affairs rest and instead turned the the table on her own habits.

"A relationship?" She shook her head. "I've learned enough to know never is too hard a word. But right now? Not interested." She wasn't curious enough to ask him why he wanted to know, but did have a bit of an internal giggle that he would ask. She's had a few longer term lovers in the past, but that was more out of convenience of location than any sort of strong emotional bond. "Frankly I've never found a relationship worth it.

Her reaction would've been funny, perhaps, on another day, in another situation. It saddened Pantaleimon, however. Not only because of his own potentials and options, but maybe most of all because the way she said it — she'd learned relationships just weren't worth it — brought out the caretaker in Pantaleimon. It sounded like she had been hurt before, like she needed to be loved no matter how much she didn't want to.

Ears fell back and a sympathetic look appeared on Pantaleimon's face as he imagined what must've happened to break her trust in others. "Decided on a place for winter yet?" Pan asked out of the blue, though he wasn't even sure why he asked. It wasn't like he was in any position to glue the pieces of Roz together, even if she would've wanted him to in the first place.

She caught the sympathy but, thankfully, he didn't remark on it.  She wasn't the one who had a relationship crisis here, after all. Her life had led to where she was now and there was nothing anyone could do about that. Valuable lessons were learned.

"Not yet, but I'm exploring my options. Maybe I'll go south with the birds," she responded, thoughtful. "There's a nice patch where I weathered the last one, if it isn't claimed." And if it was, maybe she could tag along for a couple months.

Pantaleimon nodded at Roz, wondering where life would take her. She explained that she was exploring her options, and Pan nodded. It was a sad realisation to think that fate would carry their lives apart from one another from here on out. Roz just wasn't that interested in Redhawk Caldera and the pack life, it seemed.

Pan felt melancholic as he realised this, felt a pang of regret for what might've been, even if it would've been based on nothing. "I should head home," he murmured, and he looked at Roz with sad, droopy eyes. "See you later." Even if he knew he might never see her again. He lingered a moment, waiting for her to say good bye, or for her to change her mind (though he knew that wouldn't happen), before turning away.

She nodded.  "See you around."  It would likely be a long time.  She thought she knew what it was he wanted, but something told her that, were she to join his pack, this thing they had (and the few fun romps with Red) would be spoiled. She wasn't the 'family' type, and her loyalty belonged to herself. As a loner, that was ok... But as a packmate, it'd cause problems she didn't want to deal with. Better to leave it as it was.

She watched him depart, then turned herself, her course turning north instead of south. Perhaps one more look around before she jetted out of here for good. Never know, maybe she's find something unexpected.