Esaro managed to find a place within the territory where he felt like he could be alone for a while. He was laying against a log feeling very depressed. He wasn't able to vent out any of his upsetting emotions. There was no yelling, no attacking, no crying basically leaving these emotions bottled up. He wanted to be quiet so he avoided doing anything and just laid there thinking to himself.
The pack didn't feel so connected anymore. It felt just like his old pack except this time he wasn't under the illusion that everything was perfect. Was it something like this that made his old pack turn against each other. Was not being a fully united pack the cause for inner conflicts?
He wasn't too sure of what to do now. He was going to take place in the up coming raid but he couldn't remember why exactly. Right now he felt like he just didn't care about anything. He wanted to just stay here and pretend everything was fine and that there was no problem. He really didn't want to believe there was a risk that this pack he was in could also turn against each other and that there was no way to stop it. He let out a long sigh,
'so what's really going to happen?'
Spring padded out of camp, wanting to stretch her limbs and go on a walk. Maybe go check the borders for any intruders, but as the female was walking along a mixed coat of many colors caught her eyes. She sniffed the air. Smelt like Esaro. Spring began to pad towards the male.
As Spring approached him she noticed something almost instantly. Esaro just looked... so so very sad. It almost made her feel sorry for him. Spring started to pad up to Esaro careful to make a little noise so she would not startle the male.
“Hey Esaro...” Spring woofed quietly. “Are you alright? What’s wrong?” Spring padded closer to multicolored male. I wonder what happened? Spring thought to herself curiously. What would make Esaro look so down? I’ve never seen him like this before...
His thoughts continue to wonder around negative ideas. He felt as if he was doomed from the start. He wasn't taught anything useful in his old pack and wasn't sure why his parents never tried. He was so far behind in needed experience that it felt a little normal that he was called useless, a nobody. Esaro didn't want to believe those words were true. He wanted to believe he was just as special as the others just like his parents did. Reality was giving the facts that would prove that he really was as good as non-existent.
Luckily his mind got distracted by an approaching member. But the first thing he wanted to do was get up and change location, he wasn't really in the mood to see someone else. When he realized who came he figured that there are exceptions. He felt comfortable enough to let Spring be around him, in fact he felt a little better just to see her.
She was concern about him, which was normal, he wasn't really trying to hide his emotions but it was more like he couldn't.
"I don't think I should have come here and tried to be part of a pack. I'm a nobody, I don't really provide anything to the pack even if I tried. I'm worthless." He said, expressing what was on his mind right now. He continued to lay there on the ground. At the very least he was looking at her and didn't mind her being here.
Spring frowned as Esaro told her what was wrong. That didn’t even make any sense at all whatsoever. Why would Esaro of the many of wolves think he was useless. That was just plain simply not a good qualified mindset.
Spring let out a sigh. “Esaro I see no point in your words. Why would you say that? I mean if you keep thinking that it will come true if you just sit around feeling sorry for yourself.” She knew he words were a little harsh, but she wasn’t sure what else she could say to get Esaro back up on his feet again.
Esaro didn't truly believes he was worthless but the idea was heavily influenced by the others. He was trying his hardest to improve so everyone could say he wasn't useless. It's clear that right now he wasn't that useful to have around. The first wolves he encountered here appeared to have faith in him. His spirit took a hit the moment he discovered that there were some who didn't believe he could do anything.
He got up and sat down in the snow, watching his own paws. "When you have other members, including the Alpha, say you are useless and a nobody it's kinda hard to not believe them. They do have more experience than I do."
He lightly shuffled the snow in front of him with his paw. "I don't have any way of proving them wrong so they are probably right."
Spring did have a couple ideas why they had called Esaro useless. It had probaully been Reek or Saena by how he mentioned 'Alpha' and/or someone Not that he was, although he did need some... extra help. Instead of mentioning any of that an idea popped into Spring's brain.
"How do you know that whoever told you that wasn't testing you Esaro?" Spring began. "To see how much you can take before you break down? I think you should prove to them that you are strong and that you do have skills somewhere." Spring stated. She guessed that she was probably 100% wrong, but she didn't like seeing Esaro so sad. Maybe this would encourage him to try harder at learning some skills. Even the slightest bit.
"I don't think they were testing me. They were talking about Ukko. It turns out he left everyone behind without saying anything." He said. The chances of a test felt very unlikely, there was really nothing hinting that there could be a test. The main concern was all about Ukko. The Alpha was probably seeking answers in order to discover the reason behind the betrayal.
Esaro was still blaming himself since he could be responsible in a way. Ukko likely believed that Esaro lied to get in. He didn't think he lied the whole time but it looks like whenever he explains and no matter how they look at it, it did appear that he deceived Ukko. "I hope it wasn't my fault he left. As things are they think I lied to get into the pack. I mean that's what it looks like when I try to explain." He said, continuing to paw the snow in front of him.
Right now it could really appear as a lie but if he could continue to improve it would become less and less of a lie. Without Ukko around who would teach him a few things about fighting? Ukko and Reek were the only ones he knew that appeared to be good fighters. But he can't ask either of them for some sort of lesson.
In any case it was impossible to prove them wrong, Spring didn't seem to understand. Esaro got up and insisted heavily that "I'm not strong enough yet. I don't have any skills that stand out. Even if I try my best now it won't be enough without any kind of talent." It may look like a negative point of view of himself but he truly knows his own abilities. He can't match someone with experience and talent because he had neither of those. Maybe soon he could find something he is good at but right now there wasn't anything. Couldn't Spring see that?
Traitor. Was Spring’s first thought, when she heard of Ukko’s leave, she found herself bristling and about to growl. She quickly smoothed down her pelt and did her best to calm herself. She narrowed her eyes thinking hard, why had Ukko left? What had happened? Spring sighed as Esaro told her that he blamed himself. Then listened to the rest.
“Esaro test or not, it is not your fault that Ukko left. That is his fault everyone’s life is there own choice. If it was because of you then Ukko better get a life because that seems down right beyond childish to me.” Spring retorted unhappily.
She narrowed her eyes, thinking confused about how Esaro had told her that they think he lied to get in to Phoenix Maplewood. “Esaro who is they and why do they think you lied to get in?” Spring asked in a confused tone.
Then she thought about how Esaro talked about how he had no talent whatsoever. “Of course you have talent Esaro. You just have to find it.” Spring encouraged the multicolored male. Distraught that Esaro would ever think that.
After thinking on for a moment, Blaming himself for Ukko's action did seem a unreasonable. Clearly Ukko was an experienced wolf and a Beta. It wouldn't have made since for him to go off because of Esaro. "I guess you are right. It wouldn't make sense for a Beta to leave just because of me." Esaro stopped blaming himself for now on that point but there were still a few point dragging his spirit down.
It seemed like he was going to have to explain how he got here. He wondered if Spring would continue being kind with him after he explains. Every time he explain his story he ends up on the bad side. Either way he needed to explain. "Well Ukko, Reek, and that one wolf I was paired up with during the pack hunt. I know Ukko believed I lied but as for Reek and the other it's not clear but it feels like they believe the same." He paused for a moment, seeking out what he needed to say. "The lie is linked to what I said to Ukko before I joined. I told him I 'could' fight but he appeared to have misunderstood. He likely thought I had some skills in fighting and gave a surprise test to find out that I didn't. I only meant that I would fight if I needed to."
Spring continue to believe he has talent somewhere. He had already tried a bit of every important trade yet there was no talent around those. "If it's not fighting, hunting, or healing then whatever talent I have is probably useless." Although he was negative on that point of view he still had hopes of improving even without talent. "But, I mean, even without talent I can still get better. I just need more time and a few teachers."
The next words would be the source of all his worries about his situation. "I really hope the Alphas don't end up chasing me out." This was currently his biggest worry since the beginning. As for now he could still be safe, there might still be time to improve. Strangely Esaro was slowly feeling better. He was still a bit upset but not as much as he was earlier.
Spring thought of her next words very carefully after listening to Esaro’s short summary. One thing she knew was that she had to get him to stop mopping around and start interacting with the world around him and contributing to the pack once more. She just want the male to have a good future, she started to speak slowly choosing her words carefully.
“I can see why Ukko and other might think you lied to them, but the past is the past Esaro...” Spring paused for a moment, thinking. “You should be focusing on what you want to do right now in the present and how you want your skills to bend and work in the future. Not mistakes that you may have or may have not made in the past, because the past is irreversible Esaro, you can not take it back. None of it.”
Spring thought carefully for a few seconds before her next words. “There are more talents then just fighting, hunting and healing Esaro. There is deception, astronomy, their are even some wolves who have the talent of bringing packs together in times of need and so much more. There is more to life than hunting, fighting and healing Esaro. So much more... sometimes it can just take some longer than others to understand that.” Spring finished, but then decided she had one more thing to say.
“And Esaro? I think if the Alpha’s wanted you out right now, you would already be gone and chased out. Right now you have an opportunity to impress them and prove yourself to them. So why don’t you just go and take that chance?” Spring eyed Esaro careful, sitting down. Letting her words sink in.
Esaro continued to hold on to many events in his past. Without them he would have never been able to step forward towards a new beginning. He may have been forced out of his comfortable life but thanks to his father's wish he still had meaning to his life. To make his fallen father proud he needed to become Alpha one day, but as things are Esaro was still heavily dependent on others. He likely stood little chance of surviving on his own. Springs says he should focus on the future and not on the past. However in his opinion the past is just as important as the future.
"But the past is what will be remembered and used later." He said thinking on what could happen later. Meeting someone several times was like continuing a story and each time they meet it wouldn't be like meeting someone new. The past carries over to the future so Esaro found it important to focus on both past and future.
"I know I can't undo what happend but I more worried about bad things that could happen."
Then he continued
"I don't think I have any way to impress. I don't know how much time I have before the Alpha thinks I'm no good to have around. I want to learn everything that I can do and hope that one day it would be enough for me to become an Alpha like my father expected."
Esaro looked into Spring's eyes. He wanted to know if she was really going to support him.
"I do want to show everyone that I can make a difference but I really can't do it alone. Tell me, you'll help me out even if I make more mistakes, right? Will you help me if I'm in trouble?" He asked. In a way this would greatly ease his mind if she really supported him. If he knew other members backed him up he would feel happier, more confident, and much more motivated to do the right thing the right way.
You know right before I finished this the power went out. Like AHHHH NOOOOOO!... got to start all over :P
Lol, sucks when that happens. That has happened to me too, I get a huge long post the I click the Post Reply button, but then the power goes out a I loose my post. I created a work around though, you always might want to copy your post before you send, so you aren’t really risking loosing it to any matter. Works for me! :)
Spring gave up on trying to stop Esaro from focusing on the past, guessing that that would go absolutely nowhere, then Esaro asked her to help him and backup. She was a little hesitant in her mind, but Esaro was her friend. She knew how to answer safely, but still be a good friend with her answer.
“Of course, I’ll help you Esaro... if what you want me to do makes perfect sense, I would be glad to help. Especially with teaching.” She paused thinking, when a thought occurred to her.
“Have you asked anyone else yet to help you Esaro?” She asked him, in a curious tone. She found herself hoping Esaro would not talk to her anything more about the Pack he want to start. Although it was a good goal, it was a little dangerous to talk about it here, especially if one of the Alpha’s walked in on them and caught Esaro in the act of talking about a Pack he wanted to create, because another Pack could be a threat, especially to the Maplewood if there leader had been apart of the Maplewood. It was just best that topic didn’t come up anymore, besides Spring liked the Maplewood. There was no place she would rather be.
Her ears flicked as she awaited Esaro’s response. Wondering if he had asked anyone else, you it had been. If he had asked someone else, she was guessing it was Laika... Esaro seemed to have a thing for Laika. The thought almost made her smile, as she remembered the last they had been together with her. Esaro had been so sweet to Laika... it had her heart warm.
I didn't have a chance to copy it or save it. I'm using a desktop so basically everything is gone when the power is out lol Anyway I believe you got Esaro back on his feet. Well played :P
He was glad to hear Spring supported him. It made it easier for him to feel like he has a place here in this pack. Staying in a pack that didn't have any trust or faith in him would have made it a lost cause. Now that he had her word he felt motivated to continue on in a better mood. He forgot why he was upset in the first place. He didn't see a reason to not have a little smile on his face while in presence of a friend.
Spring wanted to know if he asked anyone else.
"Um no, I just thought of asking now. It makes me feel much better knowing someone believes in me." Esaro looked around for a moment then sighed with relief. Next was trying to figure out what to do next. His ultimate goal was to become an Alpha one day but that path was very far. Maybe Spring knows a few side goals for him to go for.
"When I think about it, I don't think I should focus on becoming an Alpha just yet. What do you think I should first go for? Maybe I should try to be a Beta like Ukko was. Or maybe there are a few more steps before that." He said basically thinking out loud.
For some reason he started thinking of Laika which distracted him from figuring out a side goal. He wondered if Laika would also support him if ran into trouble. Because that crossed his mind he decided to say something on it.
"Do you think Laika would also help me if I ran into trouble or if I just needed someone to practice with?" He asked with a small smile while wagging his tail happily, already forgetting about his question before that.
Oh, that makes more sense.
Spring let out an inward breath of relief, now that Esaro was done pressuring her with complicated questions. Now he was asking simpler ones that she would be glad to answer. She began to speak, to answer the mulitcolored males questions.
“Maybe right now you should set your goals on learning more ways to contribute to the Pack Esaro.” Spring remarked, knowing that would be a good step.
Then go for higher goals. She added inwardly to herself, knowing that Esaro would need knowledge, power and skills before he achieved an Alpha or Beta ranking.
She found herself smiling about the Laika question.
“I am sure Laika would help mentor you, as I will, if it makes sense.” Spring responded with ease, thinking of her good friend. Wondering what Laika was up to now. Hoping that she was right about Laika helping Esaro out... although she was sure she was.
Last post! I hope his next lesson about herbs will come soon :P he got to get his paws on some impressive knowledge!
Esaro nodded but he figured he still needed some sort of goal to reach for, just to keep note of his progress.
"How about I aim to impress Laika. If I can do that then that means I improved and will be one step closer!" He said happily with a friendly grin. He felt so encouraged and ready that he wanted to go out there to learn and train. He would have taken off if only he had a teacher he knows that teaches something about fighting.
He thought about asking Laika but if she was the one teaching him something he wouldn't really be able to impress her. He was going to need someone else. Spring was already teaching him about herbs, he didn't want to ask her to do more for him by teaching him what she knows about fighting or hunting. Luna offered to teach a few things on hunting small prey, that did leave room for another hunting teacher.
With the up coming raid he believed he needed to found someone to teach him how to defend himself. He wasn't sure who to ask right now but he was motivated to go search right now.
"Spring, thanks for cheering me up. I can't really remember why I was upset." He paused for a moment.
"Well I'm going to go look for someone to teach me a little bit about fighting. With the up coming raid I need to be prepared enough so see you later!" He said cheerful before taking off with loads of energy. Of course he could have asked Spring but he just didn't want to burden her more than he already is.
Last post from me too! Fading Here... and I’ll get ‘The Next Step’ started, after the thread with the battle with Rosings is over. :)
Spring listened as Esaro expressed his goals. She wondered what Laika would think if she were here to hear Esaro’s outbursts about her. That made her smile. Maybe she would talk about Esaro to Laika in a little while, try to give a little
push. Just maybe...
“Good goal Esaro, nice one to start with.” Spring remarked to Esaro with pride.
Spring found herself about to offer to mentor Esaro in fighting to, along with teaching him about herbs, but she closed her maw. It would be good for Esaro to have more than one teacher, more techniques. Maybe she would offer him fighting lessons after she finished teaching him and Lunar Eclipse about herbs.
Spring watched Esaro bound off.
“Bye Esaro!” She called after him, then turned around heading the opposite direction. Wondering what tomorrow would bring, maybe she would pay Laika a visit later today, she pushed aside her thoughts for now as she padded away, departing from Esaro. Walking through the Maplewood.
Her Home.