It was a surprise to learn of what Reek had done. Esaro wasn't fully able to understand it but cheating didn't seem right at all. He could guess that Saena felt betrayed but that was it. The punishment is getting kicked out? That meant Saena was the real Alpha if she had the power to toss out Reek, but what will happen to Tavi?
For now he felt like he wasn't on the Alpha's bad side, which likely explains why he was never kicked out yet. Of course he has been trying his best to get better, maybe soon he would be able to create a reason for him to stay. But his wish to becoming an Alpha by trying to be like Reek was shattered. Ukko left and now Reek is out, leaving Esaro alone in a pack full of females. He didn't have anyone else to look up to.
While walking around within the pack territory he thought to himself. In a way he was starting to feel like everything depended on him now. He also felt that maybe he was the next one that was going to get kicked out. He may not be the best but he was determined to make a difference. This was the pack he was brought to, he was taken care of by everyone. Now might be the time to return the favor and keep his promise. In order to do that he needs to able stand on his own. And if he follows what Saena told him, he should do his best to not let others push him around.
It was a nice, if brisk, spring day, and Saena was in a less stormy mood than she had been of late. Her inability to sleep soundly at night, compounded with the sudden alarming return of her hallucinations, left her bereft of energy and struggling to get through each day without a meltdown. The ghosts were no longer merely animals, but morphed into images of Reek and Tavi, or Tavi with happy babies, or Reek sneering at her, which was the first clue Saena had ever had that they weren't truly ghosts. They were part of her mind, somehow, though she lacked the ability to fathom hallucinations and therefore assumed her nightmares had become reality.
The lack of sleep had mellowed her somewhat, however, and as she wandered blankly through the woods she called home, it was without her usual haughty dignity and fiery temper. If anything, she seemed defeated, yet somehow less volatile than days previous. She was able to walk with head lifted above her shoulders, if just, in a faint semblance of her usual pride. When she spotted Esaro wandering as aimlessly as she, Saena did her best to perk up, but no doubt she looked haunted with her eyes sunken in from fatigue.
Nevertheless, she approached amiably and attempted to sound upbeat when she said,
"hey, Esaro," although she fell rather short of her mark on the tone, which ended up sounding more tired than anything.
This looked lonesome!
A little lost in thoughts he had never realized that Saena was close by. It took a few words of greeting to pull him out of his thoughts. There was so much he wanted but it was only know what he realized he can't have everything. He wants to keep his promises, he wants to return all that he owes. Yet, how can he if the pack decides to split into two. There were wolves he cared about on both sides, he didn't want to have to choose but in the end just being here made the choice for him.
He replied "Oh, hey Saena." First thing he wondered is if the Alpha knew that Lunar Eclipse had left. Instead of trying to guess he decided to just ask like that. "Did you know that Luna left?" That was really what laid strongly on his mind, mainly because of how she said goodbye to him. She rubbed against him, confessed, and even gave him a kiss before leaving him without the chance of saying anything in return.
He looked at Saena with sad eyes and asked. "Will I ever see her again?" Right now he really missed her. He wished it was some sort of a bad dream but it wasn't. Luna left and there was no telling if he would meet her again.
Saena had a question on the tip of her tongue for Esaro, but before she could ask it, he threw his own question into the mix. She pressed her ears back lightly, the points hovering over the base of her skull, and answered, "yes, she came to tell me." Saena didn't in the slightest regret letting Lunar Eclipse go—in her eyes, a wolf who would sooner follow a duplicitous alpha like Reek was not worthy of the maple wood. She sought to build a family here and only the best would be permitted to join it.
"I can't believe she'd rather follow someone like him," Saena admitted though her tone lacked the usual razor edge she would've sported when talking of someone she could no longer stand the sight of. Rather, her voice was edging on defeat, so much so that when Esaro sullenly asked if he would ever see Lunar Eclipse again, she felt a pang of panic that he would leave as well. "I'm sure you will," she hastily told him, "out there somewhere. You could always meet her on neutral ground." She left out the fact that Lunar Eclipse would never again be allowed to step foot across the threshold of the Phoenix pack's territory so as not to despair her only loyal male follower further.
Seeking to distract Esaro from his upset and from her fear that he would leave as well, she said, "you know, with Reek gone, I'll really need someone to help me out guarding the den when the pups are born." Her eyes searched his face for some sign of reaction to that. "It'll be a good chance to learn about guarding peacefully, since I don't want just anyone near them in the first couple weeks," she added on.
That meant Luna didn't walk out on everyone but that also meant he was the last one she said goodbye to before taking off. Luna did say that the only thing holding her back was him. If he had known or something maybe he could have been able to convince her to stay with him. Having to say goodbye was something he really didn't want to do at all. The only wolf he could blame out of all this was himself. Whatever was going on around him he felt like he was part of it. Because he could play a part, no matter the result, something he did helped it happen.
"Luna did say that the only one holding her back was me. She told me she loved me before leaving. I didn't get a chance to say anything though." She also wanted him to follow her, and he would have if only he could deal with the guilt of leaving everyone he owes here. Staying did not free him of the pain completely, he couldn't let go and still hasn't done so. When Saena told him he could see her again, it just made him so much happier. With hope of seeing Luna again he would be able to deal with his sadness. He nodded with a small smile, those words meant a lot to him.
The Alpha successfully distracted him completely from the subject. That's right, Saena was going to have puppies. Since Reek and Tavi were gone someone needed to fill in their jobs. But the only thing Esaro figured he could do was just guarding. That's right, with all the has happend he wasn't able to really learn anything about fighting. "That's right. Someone has to protect them for you. I-I will do it. But with all that has happend I still haven't been able to learn how to fight properly." Can't say he didn't try to find a teacher. He asked Tavi and then ended up going to the Sleeping Dragon too.
Saena tried to listen patiently, although she couldn't help the part of her that though Esaro should be angry about Lunar Eclipse's treatment of him. Saena herself was upset about it. Lunar Eclipse had not only left the pack and insulted the alpha in the process, she had also attempted to manipulate one of her wolves. For all his faults, Esaro was sweet and loyal and deserved better than that, she thought.
"Esaro," she said quietly and almost sympathetically, "if she really loved you, she wouldn't have left." Lunar Eclipse had shown Saena that she loved the philandering Reek more than any wolf in the maple wood. "All she told me before she left was that I'm not fit to lead." Not strictly true, but it was what Saena had taken out of it.
"Someone better will come along in time, and that someone won't leave you," she reassurred him, although Saena wasn't sure she believed it herself. She was left jaded after Reek's infidelity. The topic changed momentarily then and Saena smiled and told him, "anyone can fight, Esaro, it's in your blood. You just need to spar a bit and you'll see, it'll come naturally."
Subject of Luna leaving lingered on. The talk about her not really loving him was very difficult to believe. There was likely more to it than that, At least that was the feeling he had. When Saena told him what Luna said, that was when he started questioning Luna. Why would she ever say something like that? He saw her as a kind caring wolf that was always there for him. If what Saena said is true then did that mean Luna didn't exactly trust him? Not once did she ever talk to him about her problems. Was it really possible that the whole thing was an act? The exact kind of act back at the pack he was born in where no one told him anything? It was sad to think his efforts of trying to change that had done nothing.
But he wasn't sure, to him Luna was still friend so maybe somewhere on the line he messed up again. In that case maybe there will be a way to fix all this. First would be to take care of the mistake she made with Saena. "What she said can't be true. You're the one who made this place safe for everyone. You've made the choices and I'm sure they were hard to make too. I believe you have always been doing what is best for everyone and I want to do the same." He said as he returned to a more positive mind set.
Then he added. "There is still a long way for me to go, but one day I hope to be as good as an Alpha, like you. Once I become that good it will prove to my father that he was right about me." He said happily with a smile. He really did feel like he made progress. Even Saena made it seem like he was completely capable so he felt even more motivated to keep doing his best for her and everyone else.
Beneath her intense facade, Saena had many doubts about herself, ranging from doubts about her ability to lead properly to doubts about whether her life amounted to anything. She took a hit any time anyone else doubted her, too. They were the primary reason she came across as intensely as she did: almost everything was a front, an attempt to hide her insecurities, troubles and crippling worries from the world that seemed far too cruel for the wolf she otherwise would've become. Esaro's words were like a balm to those insecurities and she managed a genuine, if watery, smile as she said, "thanks, Esaro, that really means a lot."
As insensitive and harsh as she could be at times, Saena really did care about the pack she led. Being acknowledged for that in spite of her unorthodox manner of showing it was a comfort.
"You've never spoken of your father," Saena prompted when Esaro admitted his own desire to become an alpha wolf. It was something that took a lot of time and effort, she'd learned. She once went out into the world thinking that it would come easily and naturally and it wasn't until now that she realized it was sheer luck she still held onto her title. It would take a lot more work to become the leader she once believed she was, the one she aspired to be. "He wanted you to become a leader?"
Esaro nodded when Saena thanked him. He meant every word he said, fully believing that she has done what was for the best for everyone. Then the subject turned over onto his father. His last memory of him was when the whole pack seemed to have turn all against each other. It's for sure that Esaro's father didn't survive but as for the rest of the family he really didn't know what happend to them. It was a little saddening to think on it but talking about it would make him feel better.
"Yeah, I don't talk about him because he is.. gone." He didn't want to say his father was dead mainly because he believed that his father was still watching over him. Esaro continued to speak calmly. "Well, he didn't tell me to be a leader but he believed that I could be one. The reason I'm alive now is really because I didn't want to abandon the faith he put in me."
This all reminded him of the day that his life first turned chaotic. "I almost gave up completely when everyone at home turned against each other and I ended up chased out. I think the worst out of it was that I didn't learn anything useful during the happy life I had. Which is probably why they didn't chase for long, they thought I wouldn't survive the winter." Then he looked at Saena with a little grin. "Thanks to your pack I'm alive, and I even learned a little bit about healing, hunting, and well just how to live the way a wolf should live."
Esaro's father was much like Saena's own biological father: gone. Gone somewhere. Maybe dead, maybe still wandering the world alone. She refused to think much about Kisu or his reasons for leaving his infant children, and while Peregrine had been a better father, she refused to think about him either. There was still too much resentment and animosity buried in her breast for those two men.
"If he believed in you," said Saena, "then he's probably right." She would learn soon enough that a parent would believe their own child capable of anything, realistic or otherwise. Whether Esaro could or would ever become an alpha was solely up to him. No parent's belief could propel him to the status he wanted for himself, but it could sow the seeds of confidence. "Anyone can lead if they put in the hard work and the dedication," she told him. "I founded this pack, albeit in a different location, when I was just a year old. Build your confidence up and you'll be able to do something like that, too." When the day came that Esaro sought to stake his own claim in the world, if ever it did, Saena could only hope he would have the decency to tell her about it before leaving, and to set up far away from the maple wood so as not to disrupt their claim.
Esaro would always want to say that his father was right but what he needed was the ability to prove it. Ever since he has joined Phoenix he learned to much more than when he was at home. In about three months he learned more than he ever did within the first and a half year at home. With this progress he felt more confident that he would one day be as good as an Alpha. But Saena managed to pull out a detail that Esaro never counting doing. He never actually thought of having his own pack and all. All he ever wanted was to have an equal skill level to an Alpha.
He decided to try to explain what he personally wanted. "All I really want is to live a happy life like the one I once had. I never thought of starting my own pack. Instead I just want the abilities of an Alpha because they are able to influence everything. I just want to be able to do all it takes to make sure the pack is happy all together." He paused for a moment as he thought about the reason why he didn't reach that point yet. "But clearly I'm still not there yet." He said as he looked down at the ground. Maybe he could have prevented all that has happend if only he had the power to do so. He just took it as a sign that he wasn't ready and that he still needed to learn much more. Maybe one day he would be able to prevent stuff that could break the pack apart.
So being an alpha wasn't in the cards for Esaro, or so it seemed. Saena cocked an ear to the side, attempting to absorb and understand his logic, although admittedly she struggled with it. Her own aspiration had been to become an alpha from the moment Peregrine walked out of her life. While she'd envisioned it differently back then, the end result was the same and she seized her goals. Esaro's motives sounded different, and while internally she was smiling fondly at his naivety (so like Valtyr, she mused), outwardly her brow was creased in thought.
"Sometimes it's not possible for everyone to be happy," Saena said, "and sometimes as an alpha you have to make the hard calls for the good of the pack, even if it hurts others." Telling Reek to leave was a hard call. Chasing Tavi away was a similarly hard one, and she was likely to face more in her reign. At the time, Saena didn't think twice about hard decisions, but they ate away at her later, and she was never fully confident of her choices. Even a lifetime of hard decisions wasn't likely to cure her of that.
"Being an alpha doesn't sound like what you want," she agreed quietly, "but have you considered counseling?" It seemed to fit the bill for what Esaro was looking for. While she wasn't well-versed in what a counselor did, Saena understood it as a position with a fair amount of influence, without the burden of leadership.
He didn't exactly believe that it was impossible to make everyone happy. Esaro had already understood that it no one could be hundred percent happy. Even he wasn't fully happy he was still able to spread it around with other members. It was really a give and take situation. That's how he saw it. Alpha decisions on the other paw felt much more complex. There was more to deal with on a larger scale and on multiple points. The decision to kick out Reek and Tavi must have been difficult for Saena. He may not understand why she really choose to kick them out but he felt that Saena made the sacrifice for the better.
"I believe it's always possible to make everyone happy. I think all it takes is to sacrifice a little bit of your own happiness for everyone's sake. Of course in return they have to give some back, otherwise I don't think it works." He said, sharing what he believed on the matter. Maybe Reek and Tavi failed to return the happiness Saena gave them. That would explain why they were kicked out.
Saena suggested that maybe he could be a counselor. To him that would be someone who gives advice but he wasn't too sure if he was capable of giving good advice. "I think I prefer giving as much as an Alpha does. I don't mean I want to go out and start a pack like you did. It's more like I want to give you as much as you given me, same thing for everyone else in the pack." He starting thinking about the counselor idea. "I'm not sure I would be able to give the right advice though, not yet anyways."
From the sounds of things, Esaro simply didn't know what he wanted. It was a compromising position for any wolf to be in and, most importantly, it made him a bit of a wildcard. While Saena liked to know what was going on in the heads of her subordinates, there was no point in pushing the matter with him. The only one who could decide was himself.
"If you sacrifice your own happiness," she pointed out, "then you still can't say everyone is happy because you aren't. There's a point where your happiness is more important. Otherwise, you'll be taken advantage of, or driven to resentment." This, she fully believed. It would be painfully easy to take advantage of a wolf like Esaro, something Saena was unaware that Reek and Tavi had done on numerous occasions. She herself had no intentions of such a thing, but she couldn't help but to worry that being easily influenced would make him the Phoenix's weakest link.
Perhaps it made him stronger. It wasn't something she could say for sure, but whatever the case, she both admired and was concerned about Esaro's assertion that things could always work out positively. For Saena, that world view was long dead and gone. She'd seen too many negative things to believe it anymore. "Not all alphas give," she said as she stood and stretched, "some take and think only of themselves, and they do make poor leaders. But an alpha who does nothing but give also makes a poor leader, for that alpha will not do whatever it takes for the sake of his pack. The strongest leaders are those who know when to give and when to take. Sometimes, you can't be the nice guy if it means harming your pack." With a shrug, she left him to think on that with a quick dismissal of, "I've got to check the borders, though. It's been nice talking, and you should consider counseling—it suits you, no matter if you think it's not for you. But I'll see you around."
Esaro listened, Saena was much more experienced so maybe what he was thinking wasn't fully correct as it seemed. Sacrificing too much happiness for everyone was just as bad as not giving anything at all. He could see that there was a balance to keep. What Saena says about Alpha really made him question what his father really wanted. Not once did he thing that there were different kinds of Alphas out there. He had saw them to be wolves who provide a home like place for other wolves, uniting them and making them happy. So what kind of Alpha did Esaro's father want him to be? There was no way for him to get that answer.
He was left in thought very quickly because he was now unsure of what he wanted to do. He wanted to make his father proud by taking the role of an Alpha but it felt like the understanding he had of being an Alpha wasn't correct. What was an Alpha? Saena was one but so was Reek so what did that mean? Esaro was going to have to figure it out one day but it wasn't going to be today.
"So counseling." He started considering taking on that sort of trade but he wasn't too sure if he could do it. Esaro nodded when Saena said she was going. "Okay, see you later then." As for Esaro he decided to stay here a while longer, just to think on everything.