There was no mission in mind when Grace set off, no motivation or urge. She just simply did. The yearling had woken and, without really deciding, went for a walk. Eventually she'd made her way to the plains, only then shaking herself and wondering just WHAT she was doing here. She almost turned back, until she realized where she was.... The russet female took a few more paces and looked around the familiar grounds. This was where Saena had brought them to hunt for eggs, and where she'd first truly became friends with Esaro. She replayed the day over in her head, meandering her way to the base of the very tree she'd climbed. The confusion as she'd followed everyone, still very new, and watched the others look around for the little treats. Esaro calling to her, and her pride ruling the bad decision to climb a tree. She'd done it, though, with minimal damage to everyone, regardless that they were chased off by bees. She wished
@Esaro were here to relive the memories with her. She'd joined a new pack, one she was already fitting into. It'd been hard work proving herself to Warbone, but so far she was doing good. She was still baffled by her last meeting with Esaro, wishing the brown male wouldve come with her and Nova. Where was he now? Was he treating his wounds? Could he reach them all?! Worry plagued the faded black she wolf, but she didn't know where to start about it. Did she track him down? What if he rejected her again? Would he want to see her? What if he had joined another pack? .... Why did she care so much? It wasnt like she... LIKED him, right? No! Males might not all be bad, but Grace couldn't think like that. She didn't think about mates and boys, right? Then what was she doing sitting here for no reason, thinking about the sweet male and worrying about him?
There really wasn't any important objectives for Esaro. He took care of his injuries on his left shoulder and tried cleaning the bite at his rear end but now it was time to do something else. He could always try practicing his hunting abilities but with so much time on his paws it was possible that he could catch more than he could eat. It felt like it would become a waste unless he could share his catches with others. 'Sharing'. Something friends should always do. But for Esaro, he simply had no friends he was allowed to go to without causing trouble. The world was much larger though. There were still many wolves he could meet and befriend however his connections with all the friends he made over the months pulled harder everything day. He missed them, he wanted to be with them all. Maybe that was just being a little selfish. Was it possible to settle with just one friend? Well it would surely make him feel a whole lot better.
As he wondered around the plains once more, mainly because this was the place he had good memories. There was the egg hunt and the bird hunt. It reminded him of how he left Grace. He regretted everything he did that day. He was now in a clear state of mind thanks mainly to Warbone and could easily see what he did was wrong. He had made countless mistakes but the one he did with Grace felt like it was the worst. He betrayed her thinking that would protect and keep her happy. He didn't understand why he thought that. While he thought about it he noticed Grace walking around up ahead. He was happy to see her for a moment but then starting feeling afraid to approach her. She was probably going to be mad at him but.. He decided to approach slowly and shyly. His eyes could not stay on her but it was her that had his complete attention. "Grace.." He finally said in attempt to get her attention.
For a moment, Grace just flicked her ear. Now she was hearing him? God, she must be going CRAZY! But wait, no, there was his scent drifting on the breeze. Her head whipped up and glanced around, finally coming eye to eye with Esaro. Behind the golden orbs danced anger, worry, and joy, but most of all they betrayed her feelings that she didn't yet want to admit. She stood and took one limp towards him, eyes narrowed at him as if he weren't real. Her heart dropped when she realized it was, indeed, her best friend, and she galloped towards him at her odd gate. Her happiness that he was here, and okay, overthrew her angry and hurt.
"Esaro!"
She skidded to a halt as she got close, eventually pressing herself into his chest and whimpering wildly. He was with her! She didn't yet know of his fate but it didn't matter, he was here with her. The russet yearling begged him not to leave in her head, praying that at least if they had to part ways.... It would be on a good note. Would she tell him? Would that be a good note, or would that be cruel?
She definitely wasn't an illusion this time. The scene was familiar but it wasn't a dream which meant it was the real deal. Esaro was already unsure of what to even say to her but when Grace started approaching at a fast pace he took only a step back. He was afraid of being attacked once again. That's really what he felt would really happen. Although it didn't really show he believed that Grace was angry at him and she too wanted to get a bite in. By now he should have understood that he should run away. However this was Grace, He did something wrong to her so this time he told himself to just stay and take it. He wasn't going to avoid the punishment he deserved from her.
His heart panicked when she halted in front of him. This is it, whatever comes next was likely going to hurt worse than anything else he experienced. He closed his eyes and braced for impact. The force he felt against his chest didn't hurt at all. Was he somehow used to pain that he just didn't feel it? Esaro had to take a look at what was really going on. Grace was simply pushing against him, it wasn't an attack at all. Her whimpering confused him even more. He basically stood there. He didn't understand at all. "Shouldn't you be mad at me? I.. I did hurt you.. I mean, not on purpose." He said unsteadily. She should be mad at him, all he expected was to get mauled by her.
Grace paused, looking at Esaro with a laughing, happy look in her eye. Of course she was really, really upset with him, but it couldn't trump her relief to know he was okay. For now, he was safe from her wrath. There were more important things to do.....
"Well do you WANT me to be mad? I-I like you Esaro. I'm more happy you're not hurt, that you're HERE, more than I'm upset."
The way she said like suggested she meant more, but did she dare clarify? Would he want her to, or would he pick it up and go with it? Did she mean it? The thoughts rushing through her head were searing agony, and she struggled not to panic even if the uncertainty was clear in her eyes, right next to her adoration of him. What did all of this mean?
Grace wasn't at all mad at him which actually made him uncomfortable. Everyone was mad at him, they had the right to be. Mistakes after mistakes, they piled up so much that he wasn't really allowed to be with others anymore. The best thing to do was to completely start over and hope that maybe he won't make the same mistakes twice. He would if only he could abandon all those he made suffer from his mistakes. Running away didn't feel right, he needed to make things better. He has even tried going back to Phoenix only to find no one around. He felt very guilty during that time when he found everything that was left behind. There was no way he deserved Grace's affection towards him. He wanted it, or actually needed it but he couldn't accept it so he pulled away from her therefore putting a small distance between him and her.
He looked at her, sad and ashamed. "I want to make you happy, that was always what I wanted to do. But I don't deserve this. Everyone suffers because of my mistakes. For you to like me just doesn't make sense. You should be mad at me like everyone else." He said before lowering his head and looking to the side. He had the chance to be happy for a while with Grace however he just could not accept it. He believed he needed to be punished for making everyone suffer, He wanted to be forgiven by everyone before he thought about himself. Pulling away from Grace hurts though, like he was just making the same mistake again. He felt it which made him unsure of what do even do. Running away was definitely not the answer.
No, no, no! Not again.... He pulled himself away from and Graces eyes darkened in anger. Looks like he got his wish! How DARE he pull away from her not once but twice.... One time of which he seemed to be of clear mind.
"You messed up, sure, so that means you abandon everyone that was close to you?"
She just wanted her best friend back.... It didn't look like that was happening though. Did he realize how bad it hurt to have him shy from her touch, or ignore her admitting her feelings? Well fine. Two can play this game.
"I'm starting to feel like I'm just not GOOD ENOUGH for you."
Didn't she make it better? Couldn't she help? The yearlings eyes were dark and depressed, holding back so very much sadness and anger. Was this somehow her fault?
Esaro never wanted to abandon anyone. There was a time where he thought it was the best choice but soon after that he realized that it didn't make things better but worse instead. Running away from it all didn't solve the problem or make it go away. His only choice if he didn't want to abandon everything was to try to make things right. Here and now with Grace he had that chance to make it right. It would be much easier if he knew how to do it. When she spoke he looked at her and could see the anger in her eyes. That's what he wanted except that wasn't really what he wanted.
He shook his head after she said she wasn't good enough. "No, it's me who isn't good enough, but I want to try to get better by doing the right thing. I don't want to run but I can't pretend I did nothing wrong to you and everyone else. I don't deserve to be happy right now." He said as he sat down, hinting that he wasn't going to try to run away. There were two things he wanted. He wanted Grace to be mad and make him atone for his mistake however that would not allow her to be happy. Which was the second thing he wanted. But if he tried to make her happy it would feel like he would turn his back towards all the suffering he caused.
Grace growled low, mostly expecting him to take off again. Her tail lashed and the yearling let out a chuff of annoyance, but the male across from her seated himself. She wasn't sure she believed him, saying it wasnt HER, but his own problems. That just wasn't a good enough answer....
"You tried to HELP the pack, and a war would have happened eventually anyways. You KNOW that Esaro. You deserve whatever you make your life out to be. If you're going to act like you deserve it then maybe you DO. Maybe seeing the difference between really deserving and pulling it onto yourself will make you realize."
Grace was a prime example. She'd spent her first year of life being told she wasn't worth anything, being abused, being hated. And here she was YELLING at another male, demanding his attention. It was thanks to Nova of course that she started to open up, but it was mostly Esaro who'd shown her that she was in charge of her own happiness. Why wouldn't he accept her? The poor yearling just couldnt see that it wasn't that simple, didn't understand the things going through his head. She whipped herself around, facing back towards the tree and sitting herself down. Her golden gaze was locked onto her inky paws as she awaited whatever happened next.
Esaro's full intention was peace between packs. His actions were what triggered the war. There was still that possibility that if he had done nothing war might have never happend. The pack ended up leaving everything behind except for their lives thanks to him. Grace's words made him think if he really deserved to be happy or not. In the end it was his choice. But could he live with that while knowing he ruined the happy lives of several wolves. He wasn't even making things better for Grace, he already prefer that happy look she had when she saw him. He ruined that happy moment. Perhaps if he wanted others to be happy he first needed to show that he was as well or at least play the part.
He wasn't too sure if he could do such thing. He had happy memories but his situation was quite bad. Was he currently happy? Not really since he just couldn't turn his back on everything knowing he made life worse for others. When Grace turned around he got up. He can't let this continue. He wanted her to smile and be happy again, that's what he truly wanted. He spoke to her in a calm tone. "Could you really wish someone happiness while knowing they ruined the peaceful lives of several other wolves? War might have never happend if I've done nothing. I guaranteed it for everyone in trying to make things better. Am I really allowed to be happy when I took away some happiness from all wolves involved?" He asked before taking a few step closer to Grace.
Once breaking eye contact, her anger started to spill out. Esaro's lack of reaction helped too, but his words were the final stretch. She was still bound to be moody, but for now her anger subsided. Grace could tell he was trying to make her understand, and she suddenly remembered her talk with Shreya. She had to look at the situation from all perspectives.... Even if it meant putting her feelings aside. The way she saw it, even if they had to uproot and leave, he saved their lives.
"If you're mere presence set them into war, JUST as was Saena's mindset, I think you only sped up the process. I do still think you deserve to be happy.... I think EVERYONE deserves to be happy. Even my father."
Bad as he'd been to her, him and her brothers, she'd come to forgive them. Nova had talked her into opening up and seeing the other sides of the story, and Grace could no longer blame people she knew not a fact about.
"You might have saved their lives Esaro. We'll never know and that's a fact you have to accept. There isn't anyone to blame for what fate had in store for you."
God, she was starting to sound like Nova.
Dwelling on ifs and maybes didn't feel so healthy. So many things could have happend instead of the current one. The facts are he triggered a war and forced Phoenix out. There was no telling if he saved their lives or not. All that really stayed onto him from that day was having angry wolves came at him. He sure didn't feel like any kind of hero. Still, Grace's words were exactly something Esaro had said before somewhere. Everyone deserved to be happy. He had forgotten those words with the guilt and blame that clouded his mind. He still wasn't too sure if he deserved it but it seems as though Grace thought he did. He starting thinking on it a little.
Maybe instead of trying to atone he should just accept the fate he had. He was happy during those days of peace and that was because he tried hard to make the pack better. He should continue trying even if he wasn't part of that pack. Of course he had never limited himself to just one pack. He had wanted to help everyone and make them all happy. Now that was his normal way of thinking. He easily forgave others, this time he needed to forgive himself.
After a long moment of silence he spoke. His voice calm and soft. "You're right Grace. I didn't have any real control of the situation. I should have just accepted it as it is." He paused for a slight moment. "I understand what I need to do now, and that is to keep trying my best at trying to make things better." He approached her up until he could nudge her cheek with his nose. "I'm sorry for pushing you away. I promise I won't do such thing again."
Grace was okay with maybe's and never knowing. To her, it felt like a simple pause, similar to someone deciding they no longer wanted to read the book in their hands. She needed no finality, not with everything. She watched as her words seemed to click somewhere in Esaro's mind, and he seemed to unwind a bit. And then, thank god, he accepted what he'd done and was now moving on. Finally!
"Its about time. Dont you ever do that to me again...."
Maybe now he could be happy again... But that didn't mean it would be with her. The thought poisoned the good mood she'd almost been in, her golden eyes dulling sadly once more.
"E-Esaro, where are you going after we leave here?"
Esaro had obviously hurt her by pushing her away. He now knows that he shouldn't have and it was wrong. It didn't help his goal to make others happy. If he wanted to fix all his mistakes he had to start with Grace and then afterwards with everyone else. He doubted it would be that simple, Grace seemed to have forgiven him easily but chances are the others would not. Right now he really wanted to avoid getting attacked. He didn't feel ready to deal with that again. When Grace asked where he would go it did sour the mood a little. He couldn't go with her, Warbone wouldn't allowed it. And since Warbone was the Alpha he could easily get others to attack as well. Going with Grace would just endanger her.
He sighed before speaking quietly. "I'd go with you if I could but Warbone found me the other day and he was pretty mad at me. I don't think he'll let me come close to his pack." Then he looked out to the west. "I did meet some new wolves though so I'm not really alone out here but I would prefer staying with you."
Grace damn near told him to lead the way to wherever he wanted. Much as she loved the willows, it was not the reason she decided not to. Nova was the reason she kept her mouth shut at the moment. The golden she wolf was settled here and not planning on leaving. Could the red yearling stand to leave her here to follow Esaro? Could she leave the Marauders?
No.... Not right now. She wouldn't leave Nova in her last years of life. Perhaps after.... But that would mean letting Esaro go.
"If Nova wasnt back there waiting for me...."
Her voice trailed off, knowing he would understand both what she meant and the sadness in her voice.
"But I don't want to loose you...."
Thinking ahead into the future did have it's drawbacks when there is a lose or lose situation. That didn't mean that maybe later on the situation might change for the better. For now it simply wasn't possible for him to go with Grace. She had reasons to stay within the pack while he had nothing really holding him where he was. It would make since for him to try to find a place with Grace. Esaro wasn't exactly in the safest position and did prefer that Grace remained with Warbone and Nova, she would be much safer there. The best would be for him to join that. All he really need to do was find Warbone once more and try to convince him again, and hopefully without fail.
Esaro could tell that Grace did worry about him. He decided to try to reassure her. "Back in Phoenix I learned to be able to take care of myself. I should be fine out here but once I catch Warbone on his own I'll try to convince him to let me join again. So don't worry, maybe one day we can share a den together again." He said with a small smile while nudging her cheek again with his nose. That was a positive thought that he just now got and it was something he couldn't wait for. It was cold alone which made him glad to have a coat of fur during the night. those days where Grace and him were den buddies were truly happy days. It would be great to have those days again.
Grace was indeed worried about if he could take care of himself. Lone wolves were often not as strong or healthy, plus the fact that he'd likely be made a target by other predators. More even than that however was the unsureness of never seeing him again. He brought up Warbone though, and she took a moment to think about her alpha. He'd known Esaro, maybe before Grace, but why? Hadn't he been a dragon?
Ha, if only Luke and Saena could see them now, siding with the former dragon. Grace already his devout follower and Esaro trying to be.
"How did you know Warbone?"
It wasn't he only question, but the others could wait. Ideas were flooding her mind and that was the important part now. Her life would be perfect if Esaro moved in!
"If you give him prey beforehand then he might be swayed. Or if Novas there, she and Warbone seem to work well together."
When Esaro was thinking of the answer to Grace's question he couldn't help but smile at the actual way he met Warbone. He found it funny by now and almost ended up laughing. "Heh, Well.." The delayed the answer for a moment as he thought back on it. "Tavi told me if I wanted to learn to fight I had to go challenge a member of the Sleeping Dragon. That was when I first met Warbone. If he was like the other members I probably would be dead by now." Once he finished he looked away awkwardly, maybe it was fate or dumb luck but Warbone ended up teaching Esaro the basics in fighting which actually help him survive to this point of time.
Grace talked about softening Warbone up. Esaro had the impression that nothing like that would work. He wasn't a stranger to him anymore. The wolf who could convince Warbone to let him join in was Esaro himself and only him. That's what he thought. "I think none of that would work. I got the feeling that he doesn't want anyone helping me, he is going to want me to do the convincing completely on my own. I don't think it will be easy for me so I'm going to try to prepare myself before facing him again." He still worried that Grace might try something but that would likely only make things harder. "I'll have to do this completely on my own." He repeated and hoped that she would understand.
As unhappy as she was about it, Grace knew that Esaro was right. His best chance was to show Warbone he didn't need help, just as Nova had left her alone to hunt. She was glad they apparently had history together, hoping that fact alone might earn him points. She shuffled her paws and shifted balance, but otherwise stayed put. Her tail was wrapped close to her body and the yearlings faded black ears were laying down. Why couldn't this be easy? Why couldn't she just help him?
"I-I think you're right.... How are you going to prepare?"
Did he mean training, like to fight? Surely he wouldn't challenge Warbone? He seemed to press that he needed to be alone for this, and Grace accepted it with a low grumble. She knew that her helping might upset the alpha, and ruin the brown males chances of joining. If she wanted Esaro to have that good shot, she needed to pretend none of this happened and let her friend handle it himself. At least he was taking charge of himself now, and not worrying about blame.
Esaro was glad that Grace could understand but as for what he would actually do he wasn't sure. It was hard to predict what Warbone really wanted. The only plan was the be ready for anything. The next question was how to prepare for the unknown, which for Esaro was completely unknown. He didn't have an answer for Grace so he sat there thinking on it, creating a moment of silence. He couldn't come up with anything. "Uhh, I'm not sure how. I was thinking of facing him when I just felt ready enough."
That was all to it really, it wasn't like making a plan would do much. Right now though he felt like he shouldn't be worrying about the future either. Currently the right was more important. The tip of his tail started bothering him again and decided to ask Grace if she could get a good look at it. "Is there something wrong with my tail. It's been bothering me a lot lately." In fact the tip of his tail was missing so in reality his tail simply got shorter but not by much. It was still slightly noticeable. He turned so Grace didn't have to go around him to take a look.
There was a long silence in which they both did a little reflecting. She was, of course, trying to find some way to help him. Not her, of course, but maybe an idea to give him? On a second thought, Nova surely wouldn't speak for Esaro when all she did for her daughter was get her the chance to prove her leg wasnt useless. And Grace herself speaking wouldn't do anymore than that: calming the alpha enough to get Esaro a window. But even that, the brown male said no helping. She was worried that Warbone might have him fight his way in, but couldn't dare voice the thought. She implied in her words though, just after his words of feeling ready. The words themselves might've been harsh, but her voice was shy and feeble.
"M-Maybe figure out some sort of exercise or something, come back to him looking like someone ready to join. Someone worth being in his pack."
It was the way Warbone thought, and she knew it.
Her thoughts were cut off as he asked her to look at his tail. Whatever could've happened to his tail. She opened her jaws to speak as he turned, the opportunity of helping someone warming her back up and getting her mind away from worse thoughts.
"Run into another rosebush, Esa-"
She cut off as she realized the tip was actually GONE. Her face morphed in horror for a moment as she imagined the pain of losing the tip of your tail. Would losing that be as painful as breaking her hip?.... Probably not. Maybe if it affected his spine, but he seemed alright. It seemed mostly healed, but if he didn't know what was wrong did that mean he wasn't cleaning it?
"Esaro what did you DO? Have you been cleaning this?"