Wolf RPG

It had become increasingly more apparent to Finley that her time was coming near. Though the state of things was far different this time around than it had been during her first pregnancy, it did not stop her natural instincts from compelling her to seek out their whelping den among the barren pines to the West of the lake, away from the rendezvous site where she had spent most of her time up until then.

The beta had found it easily enough, though her senses were muddled with hormones and hunger. She had barely begun to collect bedding when she had collapsed in her own doorway, her limbs trembling and her sides heaving from the effort. The pack had done what it could to keep her fed through this famine, but the children inside of her were like leeches, selfishly sucking away every scrap of nourishment she was given. 

Finley had never really been one for morbid pessimism, having experienced things in her life that had turned her away from such thoughts. But as she laid there, trying to catch her breath while the Cubs in her belly stirred and kicked, she could not help but start to wonder if she would ever last long enough to even see their little faces.

She began to cry.

With all that had happened recently, Elwood's time spent with Finley had dwindled. For hours, he had toiled at the borders, reinforcing their scent markers and searching for Peter -- and when he wasn't patrolling, he was attempting to hunt and track the missing herds. Although it was like springtime all over again and the earth was beginning to blossom, he hadn't had any leads -- and the only food he had been able to provide for his wife had been small morsels, barely enough to sustain her much less the life growing inside her.

So Elwood's anxiety levels were at an all-time high, and despite the fact that he wasn't often at Finley's side, he felt particularly attuned to her. He heard her sobs from a distance, but they reverberated in his ears like he was right next to her. His heart twisted as he searched for her; it wasn't difficult to find her, near the whelping den where she had birthed Eljay and where she would bring their newest litter into the world -- for better or for worse.

He whined softly, at a loss for words, and lowered himself to the ground alongside her. His body fit protectively around hers and he began to preen the soft fur behind her ears, his eyes shut tight against the emotion building within him.

The moment she noticed her mate approaching, Finley had tried to settle her sobs. She succeeded somewhat, but there was no hiding the dampness of her cheeks or the softest of whimpers that slipped passed her clenched throat. She sank into him as he surrounded her, tucking her muzzle against his chest as her ears fell flat against his ministrations. She tried to focus on their closeness; on how nice it was, the feel of his touches. But the thoughts could not be kept at bay for too long before she was thinking them again, and the tears began to thicken as she trembled against him.

Silence passed between them, though the length of it was lost on Fin. When finally she spoke, it was with a steadier voice than she'd thought herself capable of, but for it she was thankful. "Can I say something to you that I don't want to say," Fin said softly, not moving her head from its resting place in Elwood's arms, "...and that you won't want to hear?"

Although Finley leaned into Elwood's embrace, the silence between them was heavy; weighted with thoughts and feelings that neither one of them truly wanted to bring to light. They both knew how dire the situation was; it was getting better day by day, but would that be enough? The locusts and the famine had already wreaked their havoc, and the destruction was plain to see in Finley's figure. Her rounded stomach didn't seem natural in contrast to the sharpness of her flanks.

Elwood continued to nibble at his wife's scruff, his teeth grazing down to her shoulder as he tried to lose himself in the simplicity of the moment. He was almost successful, but Finley's voice brought him bobbing back to the surface. Her words left him gasping for breath, like he was treading water out at sea with no land for miles -- nothing solid upon which to place his paws.

He hesitated, but knew there was no other response he could give. "Yes," he said, his voice sounding immeasurably calmer than he felt.

Elwood agreed quietly, as Fin had expected he would because that was who he was. There seemed to be nothing she could ask of him that he would not give. Nothing he would not give to all of those that he loved. Her mate would give his whole self, his happiness, his very life if it meant he could make his family happy, keep them safe. Save them.

"I am giving you these kids," Fin said firmly, despite the tremor in her voice that spoke of her emotion, "They are coming into this world and they are going to be strong enough to make it." Though she said it with confidence, there was doubt and fear in her heart that she was still stubborn and willful enough to deny. 

But that was where it ended.

"But if I.. If I can't.. stay too..." Fin stopped as her throat tightened, unable to say the words out of simple fear of the idea, "You'll take care of them. And Eljay. And. And it'll be okay." Fin had never been well spoken in even the best of times, and in spite of her desire to say so much more - to be more reassuring, to explain exactly why it would be okay and make him actually believe it - she fell quiet but for the soft sounds of her emotion.

He braced himself, as she had essentially warned him to do, but even that was not enough to soften the blow when she explained herself. Before she even finished speaking, he knew what she was trying to say. The lack of food had taken its toll on her, and she worried that even if she delivered a healthy litter, she would not survive.

That singular thought was enough to knock the wind out of Elwood's lungs. "It'll be okay," Finley insisted, but he was already shaking his head to disagree. It wouldn't be okay -- it would be the opposite of okay. He wasn't meant to raise their children without her -- he wasn't meant to live without her, period. But even as he was overwhelmed by emotion, the logical side of his brain tried to rein him in.

He did need to think about what would happen if she didn't make it. That would leave a group of puppies -- and he didn't know how many -- without a mother. As much love as he and Eljay could provide, they would not be able to feed infants. Would Fox be able to act as a surrogate? Would she be willing to do so? These thoughts shifted through Elwood's mind in rapid succession, very nearly sending him into a panic attack. He took a deep breath, trying to steady his nerves, though he was unsettled to realize that he was trembling all over.

"You're going to be fine," he said, attempting to reassure the both of them -- but his voice was thin, strained, and hoarse. Even he had a hard time believing himself. He pressed his face into Finley's fur, hoping that she wouldn't feel his hot tears.

Finley wanted to believe his words. She was probably supposed to be stronger in moments like this. It seemed like these were the moments where the hero boldly shelfs their fears in order to inspire confidence in their partners. She should be calm, steady, and reassuring, and face her fate with acceptance and grace so that those she loved would know to do the same when the time came.

That was how this was supposed to be. But the thought of her own death was absolutely terrifying to Finley. It was an odd turn of events, that she who faced down bears and leaped off cliffs in her youth without flinching would be so utterly terrified of it. But back then, she had never had anything to lose. She had had no mate to leave behind, no son that would mourn her. There had been no future sons and daughters to never get the opportunity to know.

She had so much now that she would lose in death, but what was worse was the knowledge of how terribly they would hurt once she was gone. Her infants would never know their mom. Her son, so fragile already, would be devastated. And Elwood, to raise them all on his own without her insanity to keep him sane. It was terrible. Fin didn't want to die. And wasn't it okay for her mate to see that? So that he'd know that when she left, it wasn't because she'd wanted to?

Not that it mattered, as she wasn't strong enough to hide it anyway.

"If we have a girl, I want you to name her Caoilfhionn, for Tiger," Fin said through her tears, "And I thought we could name a boy for my brother, Tiarnach." She had never even told him about Colt before. She had promised not to keep secrets from him, and yet he had probably never even heard the name of the brother who had been her best friend. What else would she never get to tell him? What else did she need him to know before it was too late?

Rather than agree with him, Finley pressed on with requests for their childrens' names. This only made it all the more real for Elwood -- and he realized with a pang that this was the first time they were discussing what to call the newest Blackthorns. They were simultaneously planning a life without Finley and the future of their babies. It seemed so wrong.

But in that moment, there was nothing Elwood could do but agree with her. He had known Tiger, and had been very fond of her. His heart squeezed at the thought of naming their daughter after her. There was no doubt in his mind that Caoilfhionn was a perfect title, even if he would likely stumble over its pronunciation for the first few weeks of the babe's life. The other name, Tiarnach, was unfamiliar to him -- but of course, he had no reason to protest.

Lifting his face from Finley's fur, he blinked his wet eyes. He ducked his head to the side, quickly swiping a paw across his cheek in hopes that she wouldn't notice. In a half-hearted attempt to lighten the conversation, he said, "Tell me about your brother."

Finley was quietly wracking her brain to come up with more that she needed to tell her mate. She wanted him to know everything. She had kept so many secrets before for fear of what he would think of her, but faces now with her own mortality, she felt as though her entire lifetime would not have been enough for her to share all that she wanted with him.

In spite of those thoughts and feelings so raw and desperate in her mind, the moment Elwood asked that one innocent question, she felt her open honesty slam shut against him. Finley stilled in his arms as she considered what she could possibly do or say to get out of this, for of course she couldn't tell him, not now. What would he think of her? To learn what had happened, what she really was, during their last days together? It would be cruel of her to share this and burden him with it simply so that she could unburden herself, wouldn't it?

It was a knee jerk reaction, that line of thinking that pervaded her better sense. Fin had promised never to keep secrets from him again. And while she'd never lied to him about this, to omit it now would be as good as doing so.

"He was my best friend," Fin said softly, "When we were kids anyway. But we had a fight... Something happened. And we never got past it." It had never occurred to her until she'd had Eljay that she regretted that they'd never made amends, but Fin doubted she would ever see Colt again. Especially now that it felt like her days were numbered.

"Something happened. And we never got past it."

It didn't seem right for Elwood to press for more information -- not in the face of what he had just learned, that Finley did not believe she would survive this pregnancy. But he couldn't stop himself. Those simple words -- her elusive explanation -- reminded him that there was still a lot that he didn't know about her. He knew that she came from a large family, and that they had bestowed her with the name "Frog." That she hated that name and he was one of the few in the Teekon Wilds who knew of it -- perhaps the only one.

In addition to that, he knew that there were still a lot of unanswered questions about their first fight -- the one that had almost broken them. Peregrine thought that something had happened to Finley that had closed her off from love. What was it? Was it in any way related to Tiarnach and their falling out?

It likely wasn't in his best interest, but he forged ahead. Now, he was looking down at Finley with clear eyes, though he was still curled lovingly around her. "What happened?" he asked softly.

Fin had meant to continue (as in Stevie realized seconds before Kim replied that she hadn't added the last line of her previous post), but fear had robbed her of her words. Elwood, forever patient, was quiet for a moment after she'd stopped, but his curiosity could not be kept at bay. She shut her eyes and breathed deep to steady her heart that was pounding wildly in her chest.

"Elwood..." she said hesitantly, "You're not my first mate."

She lifted her head from his paws and shifted so that she could look at him, needing desperately to see his reaction for better or worse.

He blinked. Finley's next statement seemed to have nothing to do with what they had been talking about -- he had asked what had happened with her brother, but instead she mentioned that she had been with someone else before him. Or maybe multiple someones; he couldn't be sure. He furrowed his brow, taking it in thoughtfully. It wasn't like she had lied to him -- this was simply something they had never discussed before. And how could he fault her for something in her past?

"Okay," he said calmly, his tone urging her to continue. He wouldn't judge just yet -- he couldn't. He didn't have enough information. And even when he did, he doubted that anything she could say would change his feelings for her.

"His name was Hawkin," Fin continued, emboldened very slightly by the fact that he didn't seem at all upset, "Colt and I left our pack together when we were yearlings and were taken in after a few months by another pack. He and Hawkin became best friends and I became Hawkin's mate after just a couple of weeks." 

They had been young and stupid and smitten, Fin most fall. But that didn't need to be said, not in her opinion. "Hawkin wasn't the greatest..." she continued, shame creeping upon her for how foolish and idiotic she'd been, "He didn't treat me well after a while. He put me down.. A lot. Blamed everything bad that happened on me, and twisted every argument into something that I had done wrong and made everything my fault. He told me I was immature and selfish, and careless. And that I mess up everything I touch. And... Other stuff..." Fin winced at the memory of his words as though the mere thought of them tore open scars upon her skin.

"I was an idiot though, and I just put up with it because of how stupidly in love with him I was," Fin said after a pause, "Even when he started cheating on me, I just turned a blind eye because I was afraid of losing him. He had his own problems and would fall in and out of these depressions. He was sick, and sometimes he'd get so sweet and apologetic that I felt terrible about myself that I was ever angry with him for the things he did and said. And then he'd just do it all over again..."

Fin shifted her weight and dropped her gaze to her paws, knowing she couldn't go back now and there was no more room in her story to delay what was coming. "I tried to leave him a few times, but it only ever stuck.. once," she whispered as tears returned to her eyes, "It was during one of his depressions when he was apologizing for the way he'd been treating me again. This time I told him I was done listening to his crap when I knew he'd just go back and put me through it again. When I left, it was just to cool down and give him time to stew. I was going to go back to him in the morning and see.. But..."

"They found him a few miles down the river. He'd gone out on the ice and it broke," she said finally, her entire body shaking visibly while she stared at the woods around them, not seeing a single tree.

As the story began to unfold, Elwood listened. Slowly, so slowly, he began to fit the pieces together. Colt -- Finley's brother, Tiarnach. Hawkin, her mate. He tried to keep his expression neutral, but was unable to prevent his lips from twisting into a scowl as she detailed Hawkin's issues and treatment of her. His toes clenched, claws digging into the dirt and newborn greenery as he set his jaw, determined to hear her out before digesting it all.

The more he heard, the less he liked this Hawkin character. But when she concluded, her voice was so soft he could barely hear it, and he could feel the tremor of her body against his. She didn't meet his gaze; instead, she stared out unseeingly at the landscape. Elwood took a deep breath, then exhaled audibly. Finley felt responsible for Hawkin's death, and suddenly her obstinacy and reluctance made sense.

Elwood remained silent for a long few moments, processing everything he had just learned. In spite of the guilt that Finley felt, it was clear that Hawkin hadn't died at her hand -- she hadn't pushed him into the icy water. She had walked away from a potentially dangerous situation, and what had happened to him had been his own fault. He chewed the inside of his lip as he considered what to say; she had just entrusted him with a piece of her heart, and in spite of the grim future that they faced, he loved her all the more for it.

"Thank you for sharing that with me," he whispered, nudging gently behind her ear. "I'm sorry that you had to go through that. It's not your fault..." His voice trailed off, and he was quiet for a beat. Then, in a tone stronger than he had been able to muster since they started talking, he added, "I love you."

Elwood's voice brought her back, and she turned to gaze at him with pain writhing in her. She wanted again to feel comfort at his words, to be relieved that he hadn't reacted with disgust and shame of the pathetic fool she'd been, or of the heartless way she had treated her own mate. But she couldn't, because it was clear in her mind that the only reason he wasn't behaving this way was because he didn't understand.

"He broke the ice," Fin said, determined for some reason that he see, "There was no reason for him to be out there. He went out himself and he broke the ice himself because of what I'd done to him."

"Colt never forgave me," she continued, "He knew what our relationship was and he knew the argument we'd had that night. He blamed me." And to her, that made it fact. Her best friend, her beloved brother. He had known every terrible word and cruel act Hawkin had made against her and yet when her mate had taken his life, Colt had blamed her and raged at her for it, even knowing all that he did.

"I know... I know it's not all my fault." Fin shook her head, trying to clear it and recompose herself, "And I know - or at least I think I know - that Colt was just acting out of pain for losing his friend, and I don't blame him. But I never saw him again after I left, so I can't ever tell him that I'm still sorry for what happened."

She corrected him, and he began to understand the source of Finley's strife. It hadn't been just an accident that had killed Hawkin -- it seemed like he had taken deliberate actions to end his own life. Elwood swallowed, bowing his head and turning his eyes down; his tongue felt suddenly thick as Finley went on to explain that Hawkin's death had strained her relationship with Tiarnach.

But despite all of that, she wanted to name her son after her estranged brother. And as she explained why, she demonstrated more strength and understanding than Elwood had ever seen her display. She recognized that she wasn't to blame and that the fight with Colt had transpired based on emotions. There was no spite in her voice; simply a yearning to make peace with him.

He reached down to nudge her cheek gently, remaining quiet at first out of respect for her feelings. She wasn't looking for Elwood to solve all of her problems -- she had just entrusted him with a weighty secret, and he recognized that it couldn't have been easy for her to admit what had happened. When he did finally speak, he said, "I'm so sorry. Even though Colt won't know it, maybe naming our son after him will give you the closure that you need."

Fin could not abscond herself of the blame, which she knew well enough to not fight against. She had chosen to leave him in his darkest hour on purpose thinking it would have the greatest effect on him and perhaps truly force him to change. She was careless with his sickness and his emotions, and selfish in her desire to change him to suit her with no thought to the consequences of how she went about it. He had not deserved to die in such a way. He was an asshole, but he did not deserve to die feeling friendless and without hope.

Elwood's voice brought her back to the present. She looked at him quietly, feeling exhausted and empty. It should have been a relief to pull the weight of the secret off of herself, but it was only a minor comfort. It was good to finally be honest with her mate, but it was a small thing in comparison to the guilt of what had happened. It was something she would never be free from, and somewhere along the way, Fin had accepted that. She'd never fully been conscious of it until then, and maybe even now saying that was still a bit of a stretch. But nonetheless, it was there, both painful and peaceful.

But Colt had always been that gaping hole, and Elwood seemed to understand all of that perfectly. Fin said nothing but snuggled back into him, laying her head upon the ground. She breathed a tired sigh, feeling the pull of sleep. She kept it at bay and after a few minutes, said softly, "I wanted to get the den ready."

She didn't say anything further about Hawkin or Colt as she snuggled up to Elwood. He leaned gently into her, quiet and contemplative for a moment. She had trusted him with a secret that she had held close to her heart for a long time, and while it wasn't his place to judge, it was still a lot to process. But it did explain some of her erratic behavior and trust issues.

He leaned down to kiss the top of her head, pressing his lips to the soft grey fur between her ears as she spoke."I wanted to get the den ready," she said, and he withdrew so that he could look at her. "I can help you. What do you need done?" he asked. The soon-to-be mother would likely be particular with her nesting and the way she wanted things arranged and prepared, and he knew better than to take action without confirming her desires first.

For the time being, he placed thoughts of Finley's troubled past in the back of his mind. It was an important step in their relationship, but he wanted to focus on the future -- in hopes that she would survive the birth and be there to raise Tiger's and Colt's namesakes herself.

Finley closed her eyes, soaking in the affection from his kiss. He offered to help and she nodded very gently her acceptance. She ran through her list of things to do for the den before the pups arrived, heartened by how normal it made her feel to be thinking something like that. To prepare for the near future, instead of thinking about what laid just beyond.

"Bedding," she muttered, "For warmth." Finley wanted to add more, but sleep took her then instead.

Her instructions were simple, given as she drifted off to sleep, unable to fight the heaviness of her own eyelids any longer. Elwood smiled faintly down at her, admiring just how peaceful she looked for a moment before putting himself to work. He would gather the bedding that she desired -- and then, once he had brought it to the den, she would be able to arrange it (and rearrange it, likely) until it was perfect.

He kissed her once more, softly so as not to wake her, then slipped away to begin his search.