The day after the longest sleep of her life, Bazi bathed in the creek and groomed her fur until it shone. After that, she barely lifted a toe. Nightingale had passed her probation, and neither she nor Ferdie were home. This suited the pale girl, whose vast backlog of thoughts was pressing against the back of her eyes, making her headachey and irritable. She lay still and silent in the grass near her shared den, watching the water hurry past. The sky was grey, and the colours of the world were muted.
I murdered someone yesterday.
Something told her that this was a big deal, but she didn't
feel it. There was no guilt, no horror - no elation. That strange albino wolf had died for trespassing and inciting violence, and that was entirely
right. Of this, Bazi was certain. Her memory of Shar-Kali confirmed it - she could see her ghostly mother nodding in agreement, as if the question had been
"Is the sky grey today?" or
"Is prey for eating?"
Bazi licked her muzzle. The fur tasted cold and impossibly fresh from several hours of grooming to rival even Ferdie's efforts. If everything was fine - and logically, it was - what was this
heavy feeling?
Jace had not slept the night before the nights events from the night before continued to play in his head. All the violence and blood and noises. His biggest regret however was that Bazi had to take a life. He did not worry for his own soul it was already damaged hers however was not.
He loped around the pack lands as he always did or he tried but his bruises and his aches hurt the largest being the newly reopened shoulder wound. He was licking it as he walked when he came near to bazi's den and saw her laying there. He licked his muzzle for a moment and then spoke quietly hello Bazi you ok today? he was unsure how she would take the night before
Bazi raised her head to see Jace standing there with an expression of deep worry on his face that far outmatched her own. The pearly white girl frowned delicately, cocking her head. "I'm mostly fine.." she replied, searching the dark wolf's enigmatic face with her sharp, curious eyes. "But you seem a bit out of sorts."
The invasion of Tortuga wolves had been hard on them all - especially those close to Bones - but Jace always came out of confrontations worse for wear, as if it took every ounce of available energy to cling to his soul in those moments. She didn't doubt that his 'affliction' had reared its head, though she had been too busy with her own fight to notice.
Her own problem was the opposite of Jace's bloodlust. She too had killed, but it had been one of the calmest, most controlled moments of her young life - and that felt like a strange thing to be feeling when a life was draining out between your teeth. Bazi rolled onto her belly to address her Creek brother properly, sleek forelegs crossing in front of her. "What does it feel like, Jace? When you lose yourself."
Jace chuckled wryly Yes I am I should have taken the life of the one you slain so you didn't have to and for that I am truly sorry. I already wear the black mantle of darkness I don't want you to have too as well. He shifted his weight and sat down giving his wound one last lick. Stretching out his limbs and muscles gently the dull ache that thrummed beneath his fur and his skin letting him know and remember he had been through much in the last few days.
"What does it feel like, Jace? When you lose yourself."
At those quiet words he frowned and looked at her his eyes roaming over her face and paws and back to her face as he thought hard and long about what he was about to say. He tilted his head his voice a deep growl like always It is both the worst thing in the world and the best Bazi. I feel powerful and strong as if I could take on the world. But I also feel a bone crushing lung stopping fear that I won't be able to stop this time. That I'll kill everyone even those i love. And it gets harder to come down from that each and everytime. With nothing but myself to fixate on after the effects no voice or call that will bring me down and that is something i fear the most to never come back down but be this dark killing machine that can be used for unspeakable horrors if the wrong one was to find out. He shrugged that was the best way he could explain it.
he had managed to hold onto his soul and his mind this time, but what about next time and he was certain there would be a next time would he be able too. Would the light that he also held beable to shine through the darkness of his fiery heart that beat beneath his breast would it. Or would he break all those that stood before him like they were toys and he was a giant outweighing and hurting them all. He was a dark angel his father called him with wings both in the fire and the heavens, and if not careful the fire would burn him out.
Wretched, guilt-ridden creature. The pity in Bazi's eyes rose like a tide. She shook her head softly at Jace's description, finding no words that might soothe him. From what he had already told her, this problem would only get worse - until one day, the heat of whatever dark beast lurked inside him would simply spill over, and that would be the end. On that day, the pack would end him - he knew that as well as she did.
"I'm fine, Jace - but thank you," she replied to his lamenting. "I don't have your issue - I can control myself. It wasn't terrible, actually," the youth told him with a shrug; if there as anyone in the pack who would understand that, it was Jace. "It was in the service of the pack.. and it made me feel powerful. Like you feel powerful, when that madness of yours overtakes you. But I don't get the madness." I'm normal, she nearly said, but retracted the hurtful words before they spilled out of her mouth. "When you say used for unspeakable horrors.. are you saying that someone could control you, if you disappeared into the darkness? Like Fox - or me?"
Jace saw the pity on her face and revulsion for that forced it's way into his stomach and like bile it brimmed up through his throat a burning aching need to tell her not to pity him it was not so bad. "no need to pity me Bazi it is not so very bad I can protect all of you and that is fine by me and I may burn out one day but if I saved at least one of you it's okay. Not that you need it. he added the last as an afterthought realizing that his words may offend.
Jace studied her for a moment and spoke again I do not know from personal experience I can only go on what my father has said, and my own personal assumptions. However, my father fixated on his sister that is how he would overcome in the end if he thought about her it would calm him down. Which I am working on that. However, the reason my father did what he did was because someone found out his weakness where his sister was concerned and used it against him. They would threaten grave harm to her so he would do what was wanted. Someone could necessarily do that to me too. Also I am a duty bound wolf Bazi and loyal and if I fall over the edge of madness well then yes someone could use me for darkness if they have my loyalty. He shrugged he was working on controlling his condition with Ferdie's help and so far he had good results...he was using the creek wolves to bring him back down trying to forge friendships so it would be easier to fixate on them though it sounded obsessive and weird to put that into words in his own mind at least.
Bazi nodded again, but the full impact of Jace's words were lost on her. They lived in separate dimensions, as far as this preservation of their souls was concerned; Bazi felt very much in control of herself and her destiny - Jace was at the mercy of an internal war. "But Njal would kill for Tuwawi," she ventured, trying her best to understand. "If someone - another pack, let's say - were to kidnap her.. he would go to the ends of the earth to get her back. His loyalties would be all screwed up, and we would all understand that - although I couldn't say that he wouldn't be killed, of course.. but let's not think about that. So if something happened, and someone used you, we would at least understand. I think it's the blackouts that concerns me about your..condition. That lack of control you've talked about." She trailed off and averted her eyes, brows knotting together as she pondered. Suddenly, her eyes flew back to Jace's face. "Here's a scenario - let's say you're sparring, with me, and I piss you off by going too far - maybe I bite too hard, and you lose your temper. Would you go after me?"
lol you are making me think hard here lol..my middle son is running around with a bowl on his foot going no not the shoe not the shoe get away get off...lmao it is extremely comical.
Jace nodded he knew Njal would as would Jace. He would kill for anyone that stood in the creek near him. He had already done so killing for both Fox and Bones one a coyote another a fellow wolf. Jace listened I try very hard to control my anger Bazi and that is entirely why. Mostly with me it only happens when i feel threatened. Yes I hurt my sister because i was angry, but my father took me away to learn how to control my anger. That is no longer an issue, my anger is fine. Now it is more when i feel threatened or I feel that my family is threatened as all of you are now. If you were to threaten me or if I thought you were really going to kill me then yes I would fly off the handle and rip your throat out. he shrugged no use in mincing the truth if he felt threatened he would hurt her, but usually he could tell the difference and he had learned very young to control his anger, it was danger that caused his adrenaline to kick a notch to high. Granted once that notch in his adrenaline kicked up then he was a dangerous creature. What I mean whe ni say no control is when I am in the middle of a battle Bazi I may not be able to tell friend or foe. So far I hvae been fine and have managed t ocontrol myself. Hopefully that will continue.
Haha, what a little gem! :D Is it helping you flesh out Jace?! Edit: Ooooo, I love your new avatar.
That made more sense; and to be quite frank, Bazi fully expected Jace to respond in kind if she attacked him in earnest.
But there was one thing she still didn't quite understand, and the young outrider would be just as forthright as her friend.
"Why are you pledging yourself to be a warrior if those kinds of situations bring out the worst in you?" He was always one of the first to the scene when trouble threatened the pack, and although Bazi understood that it was the duty of any Creek wolf to defend their territory, there were so many more risks to Jace's involvement in any fight.
"You tell me that you fear for the life of those around you when you get angry.. I'm wondering if you should plough your energy into healing, or gardening, or something that doesn't mean you're compelled to fight. I know you're good at it - of course you are. But every time your eyes cloud over.. well, it looks like it really takes its toll on you. It's like you're punishing yourself for something that isn't your fault. That's all." Well, partially - as a rank newcomer to Those Of Us Who Kill, Bazi had yet to fully comprehend the ways in which violence changed a wolf. She just couldn't see the world through Jace's eyes, where very calm second was a blessing. Already she was more confident - cocky, even - and prone to flares of temper that hadn't been there before; but these were symptoms that she did not recognize as important.
It is thanks :D he is one of my favorite Charries so far. yes all three of my kids are hams. Thanks Java did a wonderful job on it.
Jace smiled though it was a sad one. I do them because it is my duty and i am good at it. I figure that i am stuck with this and the more i fight it the worse it will become. So if by embracing it I can save you or Fox or even Njal someday then i'll do it and not think twice about it. And that was what he knew to be true. He was a hunter a fisher and a thinker his three best qualities, hunting and fishing were partial to him earning his gamekeeping thinking he could do that with anything.
Jace listened to her words It takes a toll on you And as it should one should not be calm about killing even if it's to protect at least in his mind. After all yo udid take a life, regardless of how terrible that other wolf or animal was they had a family and a life perhaps even babies and you took them away from that. It was a darkness that seeped at your mind and soul and made your conscience go in hyper drive. I do not garden or heal because i do not know enough about it, but I do try and learn about it. I can heal myself if needed. And besides even if her were to heal and shove that part of him down down deep one day it would surface and it would be more destructible than the largest natural disaster at least to those around him.
He is such a tortured sweetheart. <3 I don't have children; my other half's sisters have adorable kids, but it's not on the cards for me - I like being able to hand them back to their parents when they poo themselves or start crying. ;) So I admire your patience! We came back from visiting them all on Saturday night, and spent Sunday in bed with stress-induced pericoronitis (me) and a genuine migraine (him). How are you after the birth, by the way? I cannot even IMAGINE giving birth, it looks so frightening on 'One Born Every Minute' ( I don't know if you've got that where you are ).
"But Jace," Bazi retorted, getting to her feet. She was quite exasperated with him now, and wore the feeling quite visibly on her face.
"You just told me that you might kill us if we're all in the fighting fray and you're in one of your frenzies. Why risk it? It's not just yourself you're endangering - and you'll only get bigger." She stepped forward to tap his brawny shoulder with her muzzle, making a 'Do you see?' face.
"What happens if you don't exercise the demons?" she asked, angling one ear back.
"Do they go to sleep? Do they just get worse?" Jace had no doubt gone through
every option in his head, multiple times - and he knew his own mind better than Bazi did. But she was headstrong and brazen and young - and wholly convinced that she alone possessed the power to undo whatever insanity lurked behind his sweet face with the force of conversation alone.
you think he's a tortured sweetheart should have met his father (i played him too.) We don't get it, but I am fine lost all my weight plus a little more i'm actually below my pre pregnancy weight. Had to deal with bleeding for the first 3 weeks which sucks but it slacked off and of course general soreness, but i was up an moving in about a week and a half (I kinda had to be my kids are 3, 2 and 1 month).
Jace back pedaled quickly as she started pushing at him. He did not like others in his personal space especially when they were virtually yelling at him and poking him and all manners of other things there. Finally he snapped back not angry but just as irritated. Because if i don't it gets worse Bazi. This isn't something I want, it's not something i like! What do you want from me huh? To just think oh i'll be fine and poof it's gone! It doesn't work like that it never had and it never will! You don't think I've already thought about all this? You don't think I haven't cursed myself seven ways to sunday and back again every single damn time!? You don't think it doesn't drive me crazy to realize that i could hurt you, but if I don't fight and I just shove it to a deep dark place inside of me no one wants to see that it will be so much worse. I realize this and trust me I think about this it keeps me up at night, it gives me shadows beneath my eyes and it breaks my heart every time, but this is the only way! the only way I know how to work through it. Because Bazi I refuse to shove it down so that its worse and then I might kill someone in a spar or an argument like this. Don't you see if I hide it if I don't get control of it, which is what i am doing when i go to those borders to fight it will be so much worse and I will kill someone I care about?
Jace shifted his large shoulders and stared down at the ground fighting a war within himself, but he wasn't angry. He was stone cold tired and sad. He hated that he was some type of monster and that no one got it, that they just thought oh okay he can just ignore this part o fhim do something else to make it all better. It didn't work like that he couldn't just go garden and hide it, because if he did that if he hid behind his fear of his condition and he shoved it down so deep darkness ate it up he would hurt someone and it would be a brutal brutal killing and he would not survive himself, as a matter of fact he would probably kill himself if that happened rip his own chest open and cut the tethers to his heart.
Was that at WWS? Or Kindred? I was at WWS, but my activity waned in 2009 - 2013-ish.
And argh! :( Did that happen with your other kids? Must be so exhausting.
It was the first
real reaction Bazi had seen. Jace was known throughout the pack for his endless patience and huge heart, and it was refreshing to see him stripped down to to his very essence: a wolf that genuinely feared for his sanity
every single day, and still thrust himself into situations that could rob him of his tenuous connection to reality - for the good of the pack. He was an asset, nobody could dispute that, and as long as he fought the good fight, he deserved his place. Lesser wolves would have retreated into a hermitage, shunning interaction for fear of what it might lead to.
Every inch of him oozed irritation. He shied away from her touch, which had never happened before, and that only made Bazi want to probe further - but she didn't, for now. He
did have a trigger, and she did not wish to die this day.
"Then you're a good wolf, Jace," she said instead, withdrawing from his personal space and sitting back down.
"I think you are a good wolf."
PS. Really enjoying this thread.
Yes it did unfortunately when you have kids you have 9 months of blood free time but then as soon as you have them it's like your body is catching up with those 9 months lol it does indeed suck. I am enjoyin this thread too, it's nice to see Jace stripped bare he's always so serious from 2011-2013 I believe is when I had Wildheart it may have been 2012-2013 and it was WWS yes I loved him to pieces i wanted to bring him along, but he would never leave behind Zenzi and the girl that played Zenzi didn't want to bring her.
Jace was not used to laying it all out on the line and he felt empty and hollow and tired. He didn't want anyone ot think he was crazy that he was 3 inches from insanity and one quick push would push him over the edge, and when he spoke the words out loud it sounded to him at least that he was a nut case holding onto a small amount of sanity before he tumbled fully into darkness and death. Jace was a loyal and duty bound wolf and he would continue to fight for those he cared about and above all of them was Bazi at the moment. His first real friend and she wasn't afraid to prod at all his vulnerable oozing parts and make them open and then stitch back up. For her he would do anything including fight harder for his sanity to do that though he would have to embrace the darker side of things evne more than he already did. Because as he stood there and thought about it. He had told her he couldn't hide behind it, but in a way he had been and he would have to rectify that.
Blue Eyes snapped to ivory face and he studied her memorizing and thinking. Thank you Bazi I sure try. That was all he said about it tentatively he moved back to sitting position, allowing his posture to relax. "I'm sorry i snapped at you you did not deserve it when you just wanted answers.
God, what a rollercoaster. I'm just about OK with 3 days a month (I am lucky, I know)!
Well, now you have wee little Jace-baby, and he will do just as well. :D
His temper settled almost instantly after the initial outburst, and Bazi breathed an internal sigh of relief. Part of her wanted to see real proof of this uncontrollable rage, but that was selfish - it was the thing Jace feared most of all, and the bullheaded girl would certainly regret triggering an episode if she became the target. Curiosity killed the cat - or wolf. The saying had probably earned its prominence by being repeatedly proven correct, but why test that theory?
She dismissed his apology with a shrug.
"My fault," she told him, and reached her sleek muzzle toward him, wanting Jace to make the first move.
"Friends?"
Jace realized he had probably made her nervous and he also realized she had probably pushed her boundaries to try and see if she could see some of the monster though he was happy that it stayed hidden for the most part. If she looked she may see a slight red tinge to his eyes, but he was not angry merely irritated. That was easily settled. One day possible even soon she would see the monster that lurked beneath his inky blue depths.
He licked the underside of her chin and rumbled Friends Bazi He smiled at her and then shifted his weight again settling it more evenly so that he wasn't as imposing.
Fade here? :D Reply again if you want to and then archive? Thanks for the thread! <3
Bazi grinned wide at this show of affection, pleased to have standard issue Jace back. Dark things were always so tempting when they were locked away, but up close, it was a very different matter. Suddenly, she exploded into action, bouncing on her feet like an impatient squirrel with things to do and not much calendar space to do it in. Whatever guilt she had felt over Killick's death had melted into the grass and disappeared into the ground - whether that was a good thing or not remained to be seen.
"I've got an idea," she told him vaguely, trotting on the spot like a hyperactive child and throwing glances every which way. Whatever games her mind was playing to mask the impact of the previous day's encounter were extreme indeed - and a little strange.
"I'll see you," and then she was gone, swiping a wet kiss right across Jace's face before shooting into the distance like a white rabbit escaping from the magician's hat.
Jace was far from back to his standard self, but he hid it well. His conversation with Bazi had left him a bit unsettled and anxious. Jace moved his face quickly when Bazi pretty much exploded with her own excitement and he stared at her wide eyed. Her ways were so unusual it made him laugh really.
Jace stared after her stupidly trying to decide what just happened and how she departed so quickly. he shrugged in defeat stood to his massive paws and was on his way, darting a glance this way and that before he loped off to get into something probably some hunting.