He awoke to pitch black, lethargic and aching. His mouth and eyes felt hot and dry— his nose, too, he realized, licking uselessly at it. The feeling of dry tongue against dry nose made him cringe. He sat up with a soft groan. Alarian's limbs were heavy and tired, stomach clenching and threatening to collapse in on itself. I need to eat, he thought, and immediately felt nauseous at the idea.
Somehow he forced himself to his feet; one step, two, three— he was standing at a cache now, head spinning. He couldn't remember getting there, but he was there now, and— oh. Everything spun violently and he lurched forward for a moment before he could steady himself. The wave passed as quickly as it had come. He snatched something furry and crept a few feet away from the cache.
The feeling of flesh and fur against his teeth caused his stomach to twist. Suddenly, he was starving. Alarian tore into whatever he had grabbed, gulping down a few bites before he felt the first of it hit his stomach. The pain was immediate and intense. He dropped his meal and turned away to vomit, tears already welling in his eyes. Bile burned his throat, and sharp pain flashed through his skull with each violent retch.
His stomach emptied itself within moments, though his brain didn't call a cease fire until several moments later. By then, tears were tracking down his face and his limbs trembled slightly. Zamael's arrival didn't register until he heard his voice; he was too exhausted to startle. Instead he was still for several beats, then shakily inched away from where he had vomited, pressing closer to his brother.
I'm fine,
It wasn't that he was trying to lie— the answer was automatic. What else could he say? 'No, I'm fucking dying, thanks' ? Tempting, but... I just— needed to eat. But I can't.
Answer of the year, Alarian. He swayed slightly, ultimately favoring the side Zamael was on; it was a gentle crash, but a crash nonetheless into his brother's side. Shit, sorry. This— sucks, ugh.
He muttered as he tried to right himself. Nevermind that he'd gotten himself into this mess entirely on his own.
Alarian flinched slightly at Zamael's words, sinking to the ground so he wouldn't tip over again. It was hard to focus through the fog, but he tried. Both? I— I just haven't felt like eating for... awhile. And now I feel nauseous when I try.
The explanation was hesitant; timid, even.
He knew it had been stupid to stop eating. Of course he knew that— but no one had said anything, so he'd never had a reason to care. It only affected him. His ears flattened slightly, half-expecting reprimand. Another part of him expected it simply wouldn't matter; habit, to expect that he was not important.
Yeah,
He answered tiredly, rising on unsteady paws and turning with a gesture for his brother to follow. In my den.
Alarian was determined to go there himself; he craved the safety of it now more than he usually did. The walk there was slow, as he was unwilling to risk falling again— he didn't think he could stand to see Zamael's expression if he did. His head ached, and his throat still burned fiercely, but the fog bothered him most. Everything felt hazy— he was so tired.
He didn't hesitate to crawl into his den as soon as they reached it, expecting his brother would follow. There was room enough for them both, if only because they were both small. Distantly, he wondered if he could convince him to stay; at least for the night, at least until he felt a little less like death. Alarian didn't hesitate to nose through some things (his herbs had admittedly become a mess lately) to find the berries, not mentioning that he had known only their name and that they were useful in some way until now. Zamael definitely didn't need to know he compulsively collected random plants.
How many do you think?
He murmured quietly when his brother had presumably joined him.
It was overwhelming enough, having Zamael so— involved. He wasn't used to anyone caring, and certainly not in this way; it was rough, and he wasn't quite sure if he liked it. But when he started to touch his herbs— oh, no, no, no.
No!
He snapped immediately, rising too quickly; his vision went black for a few terrifying beats, and he glanced down, blinking rapidly. His expression was only confused for a moment, but he quickly remembered his previous panic. Don't— I can do it. I'll— I'll do it tomorrow. I—
And then he broke. Alarian went quickly from not crying at all to full blown sobbing; it was almost impressive, really. His herbs were his pride and joy— the only thing he really put himself into, all those days spent alone, aside from his hunting. Hearing Zamael's critical words, seeing the way he regarded the mess— suddenly he realized exactly how far he had let himself fall.
It's not usually like that,
He explained thickly, almost desperately— as if his life depended on convincing his brother of this. It's usually more organized, I just— I just—
Alarian devolved again into near-hysterical crying. It was... not his finest moment.
Somehow, Zamael's words registered; he moved numbly to collapse where his brother had gestured, not really seeing anything as he moved. He shifted automatically to make room for him, glancing to him with a dimly hopeful gaze. A sigh escaped him when his unspoken request was obliged. For several long moments he was quiet, collecting himself, pressing close to his brother. Slowly, he calmed; perhaps the juniper berries were beginning to work.
I'm sorry,
Alarian managed softly; it seemed he said that a lot lately. He pushed his face into the fur between Zamael's neck and shoulder, voice muffled slightly as he continued. I'm sorry I'm a mess.
A pause followed, then he lifted his head to meet his brother's gaze, his own hollow but more focused now.
Thank you,
The words were whispered. He only held the eye contact for a few beats, soon tucking himself back into the familiar warmth of his brother's fur. It had been a long time since he had slept like this— too long, and perhaps he was too grown now for it to be quite the same, but he didn't mind if Zamael didn't. He had missed this, perhaps more than anything else.