Wolf RPG

@Gannet 

The birth of Liffey's children and the approaching birth of Terance's offspring had caused a deep-rooted unrest in Sarah. She felt that it was her duty to take part in providing for the newborns, but they were such a painful reminders of her younger siblings that she had been unable to save, that she found it impossible to remain anywhere near the familial bliss of the hollow. The place had never truly felt like home to her and now it felt more foreign and hostile than before. Through no fault of itself or the inhabitants. She simply could not find peace there. 

On a warm April evening, while taking a break from a lengthy patrol along the borders, she sat down at the edge of the forest, watching the sun disappear behind the horizon. Never one to be called imaginative, she now longed to follow the sun's course, believing that, wherever it settled during the night, was better than remaining here. There was an exit and her heart longed for peace and freedom from the prison Sarah had built for it, yet she was too afraid and ashamed to return it's call. Leaving wasn't an option in her mind. She had disappointed enough people in her life, to do so to that one important person here.

Conversely to Sarah, Gannet had been a flurry of productive providing, doing whatever he could to make sure everything was ready and well with pups both here and coming. It wasn't a ton... but it made him feel immensely useful.

Sometimes, though, it was nice just to pause. He was just finishing a run when he caught sight of Sarah... his trip had taken him out of the borders for a while, searching the new spring growth for anything useful. Nothing. But her seat, watching the sunrise, looked like such a beautiful moment that he couldn't resist.

Without a word, he walked up to sit beside her, a small space between them. His tail thumped and he smiled, but he didn't ruin it by talking just yet. She seemed like she needed peace too.

Gannet was always a welcome change in Sarah's somewhat grim scenery of life. Among many good qualities he possessed, the one she cherished the most was his ability to enjoy the silence together, without spoiling it with words. She returned his smile and briefly it reflected in her eyes, as if someone had lit a candle within her, but in the next instant the faint flame was gone and her gaze was just as sad and troubled as it had been earlier. 

"How are you doing?" she finally asked, when the shiny disc had disappeared behind trees, and there was little beauty left to admire and get lost in.

She waited until the sun went down before speaking, which didn't bother Gannet any. Their silences weren't ever awkward, not since the first time they'd spoken.

Well, he answered, looking at the disappearing light a moment longer. I found a teacher. He had a light, proud smile as he said this. Up until now there'd been many times he'd felt he wanted to help but did not know how. Hopefully through these lessons, and by finding others who knew, he'd never have that again.

How are you? He asked, though there was something about her that seemed sad again. It hadn't been there last time, but it was familiar from their first meeting. Did she need talking again?

"A teacher?" Sarah arched an eyebrow, wondering, what was Gannet trying to learn and whether it was something he had mentioned last time and she had simply forgotten about it. Whatever it was though, the fellow seemed quite content and she was happy for him because of that.

"I am barely keeping it together," she admitted truthfully. "It's getting worse again..." There had been a honey-moon period she had happily shared with the hallucination of Osprey, but now it was over. It was hard to recall sometimes, what her mother looked like. And nightmares had returned as well. Not full-fledged and downright scary as they had been previously, but even small snippets of them were enough to cause a sleepless night.

"I think... I will leave the hollow," she added quietly, giving Gannet a searching look. His opinion was suddenly valuable to her, even if she would still do as she had intended.

He might have clarified what he'd found a teacher for, but her next statement blew those thoughts from his mind. For a minute he remained silent, but then he nodded.

I left Moonspear and it was good, he said, thinking on it. He'd left for his own happiness and because being there had become a burden on his mind. He could definitely not judge her on doing the same for her own sake. You shouldn't stay where you aren't happy. Life was too short for that.

We'll still be family, he added, smiling. Pack boundaries had never made a difference to him before and her leaving didn't change that he enjoyed her company. He'd welcome her any day, packmate or not.

Is there anything to help? he asked after, wondering if there was something he could do. He didn't like seeing her upset but he imagined perhaps, if nothing else, she knew what she needed. Hopefully by leaving she could find what would make things better. He had.

Gannet did not scold her, neither did he try to convince her otherwise. He had done the same thing in the past and it had ended well for him. She - on the other hand - felt utterly lost and was not sure, if things would change for her the least, if she set out in the world. Happiness was not an end-goal for her. What it was - she did not know. 

"Thank you," she said quietly, when he reassured that he would still be her friend, even if she did not belong to the group. Would Terance see things the same way? Should she even tell him, should she destroy his happiness of the new family members, new life? Sarah admitted to herself that she was ashamed and feared to do it. She did not want to see resentment and disappointment in the eyes, where there had been love and affection. There was no proper way she could explain, why should she leave now of all times (the worst choice of time, in fact).

"I sometimes wonder..." she paused, regarding Gannet thoughtfully, pondering, whether she could reveal another dark secret of hers. "... I wish to end things. It gets so much and so hard at times, I just want to stop. Living is difficult," her voice faded and she was looking in the distance again.

He was definitely troubled as she revealed the next thing she had to say, and he didn't hide that. Gannet had never experienced what she spoke of, ever. To him wanting to end things was unthinkable and he didn't understand how she could have no optimism that things would be better.

He could at least agree with one thing though. Living is difficult, he replied with a small nod, but then he gave a small frown. But it's good too. Stopping would mean no more good things. There were so many new faces to meet and places to see. How could she not want to see them?

"What if there are no more good things to look forward to?" Sarah asked rhetorically, annoyed and jealous for a moment because Gannet apparently had something in his life that she did not. He could lift his head up and see road paved with golden bricks and great things ahead. She, on the other hand, was in a perpetual mist conditions, where a day, when she could see just a little further than her toes was a succesful one.

"I can't return to the past and it has been months now and I can't seem to fit in here either. Then, where exactly I should be?" she voiced one of the many questions that were tormenting her mind and, since her companion seemed to have insight and answers, she expected to hear something wise from him now as well to brush it off as useless at the same moment. 

"Too much self-pity, eh?" she added after a while with a crooked grin. Irony of life was glaring.

No more good things? He tried to consider how that was even possible. You can't see them sometimes because they haven't happened. But they are there. He said, sitting down as he did so. This is a good thing now, talking. This morning he hadn't known they'd meet up and talk like this, but he was enjoying it a lot. If she wasn't, maybe it was a bad example, but he wasn't sure quite what else to say.

You should go where you want to be. Even if where you want to be is just not here. He answered for the next question, thinking back on when he'd been more of a wanderer. He'd settled here for now, but his experiences over the past few years had shown him clearly that he needed to fit his own wants. He couldn't let guilt or duty keep him in a place he didn't like. Self pity is good. It shows what we don't want. Well, kinda. That wording wasn't right, but he couldn't quite put the thoughts into the right ones. He didn't think that complaining or feeling bad about yourself was a bad thing. It just meant something was wrong, and thinking about that was the only way to make it better.

"I can't run forever," Sarah countered, even though Gannet was right. No one was keeping her here against her will. If she knew, where that happy place was, she would not hesitate, pack her bags and leave at this very moment. But the unkown scared her, just as much as fear that the world beyond hollow was just as gray and dull as it was here. 

"I am not really sure, what I want either. I am drifting pointlessly through life," she shared. And with this she was done discussing her problems. Being as open as she had been with Gannet was neither she something usually did, nor enjoyed doing. Sarah hated to admit that she was weak.

Therefore she changed the subject, returning to, what Gannet had said about a teacher. "What are you learning? With that teacher?" she asked.

Why not? He thought this instead of saying it, but if she enjoyed traveling and staying made her sad, he saw no reason she shouldn't travel always. It wasn't running if you weren't running from something, and surely there was nothing to be afraid of here?

For the first time, though, he related when she said the next bit. Until a few months ago that had been his state of being as well, and he was still working on getting out of that place. Finding use is good, he agreed. Picking a purpose was hard but once you found it it helped a lot.

I didn't know what I wanted, but I'm learning about plants and how to heal. I want to always know what to do to help, even if that means leaving to find new ways. He answered. Even if Baelfire was willing to teach, he couldn't know everything. If Gannet wanted more than what he knew, he would need to branch out.

Sarah had observed this before and acknowledged this again - Gannet had an uncanny ability to say meaningful and important things to her without even purposefully trying to do so. He voiced his opinion, he told a story and did not attempt to change or influence her one bit. Had he tried to convince her of his truth, he would have met a very strong opposition in her. His way was smarter in that he let her draw her own conclusions. 

He mentioned not knowing first and then choosing to try something out and thus begin to move from a lengthy stand-still. Which was her situation exactly right now. Work could be the best therapy and, if it was doing good to Ganner, why would it not suit her as well? A thought that she would return few days later, when her attempt at drowning would fail. 

"What were you good at before you began to learn about plants?" she asked, for the first time in the course of their odd friendship, genuinely curious about Gannet's past.

He actually had to think for a moment about the question she asked. The big reason that he'd begun trying to learn to heal was because he felt without much purpose or use outside of it, and so far this had done wonders for making him feel as if he had a place. Not just in Lost Creek Hollow; in general. He could take care of himself, but he was neither an accomplished hunter nor fighter, and he had little use for either in an expert capacity.

Traveling, he said finally, landing on what he'd done the most. Not good, but a lot. He wasn't sure he could consider himself accomplished in it, but he'd certainly spent years between homes. I met a lot, most good, and I saw a lot of places. It's good sometimes, but for now I'm happy here. Perhaps that would change someday though.

Gannet had been a traveller and Sarah was surprised to find out that she was a bit jealous of him, because of that experience. A long, long time ago she had been an ambitious yearling, who had been very keen on going out in the world too. She had left home together with Terance on, what was supposed to be the grand, life-changing journey, only for it to be cut short in it's earliest phases. A severe storm had separated them, forcing her to turn back and build a life back home and sending Terance here to make a name and history of himself. Though she did not regret remaining with her family, she did envy the experience both her brother and her cousin had got. This could have been her, after all. And if so - life might have been a lot different for her than it was now. 

"Being a traveller is a full-time job. And if you have survived this long - that says something about you," she said respectfully. "I can relate to you at one thing - the older I get, the more drawn I am to the comforts and predictability of my home and routine," she mused, contradicting her earlier statement about heading off in the world, but at the same time it felt as if she was in a different time and space, when she said this.

He'd never planned on being a traveler. If not for a series of happenings, likely he'd still have been gladly living still in the Caldera. Getting lost, losing his family, and abruptly he'd been made to go where life took him. It had given him an understanding of both home and family as very transient concepts - neither meant forever, and he did not necessarily mind that.

It's good but so is this. He agreed. If you don't stay, you meet new, but you don't know them and they don't know you. Staying lets you learn. Gannet had an odd way about him that some of the packs he had met did not understand or appreciate, and it was good that here he had wolves who knew how he was and had come to accept him.

If you leave, will you come back? he asked, curious and hopeful. It sounded like it, but he wasn't sure. Perhaps she didn't even know.

"I do not know, if I have courage to take that step at all," Sarah replied, looking Gannet in the eyes, then shifting her gaze to stare at her paws. She was in a dead-end situation and there weren't many ways out, aside from the very obvious and morbid one. But she had pulled it out once, she was not going to do it again now. Taking one's life was not something to brag about excessively. 

"I will go now - good night, Gannet," she told him, realizing that for this evening she had had enough of company and conversation. She got to her feet, waited a little to see, if he had anything else to add, and then returned to her den. 

He would be glad if she didn't because it meant she wouldn't be leaving, but he also would be sorry if she wanted to and couldn't. If you want to travel, I could come. Not for good, but for a trip. he offered, just as he would Ibis.

Good night. He watched her go, but did not move to rise and leave himself. He wanted to sit and enjoy the night a little longer.