"I attempted to do it, you know," Sarah spoke to
@Gannet , when they had taken a break in their journey and were resting somewhere between Swiftcurrent Creek and Elysium. Ibis was off doing, what girls her age were prone to do (her aunt did not understand much of preferences in life her niece had, but accepted it as a fact of life and just made sure that the girl did not get in any danger), and for the time being she was in company with a person, who had heard more of her dark secrets and revelations than anyone else.
"As I was drowning, I realized that I want to live more," she explained, looking in the distance. Then, as if something funny had occurred to her, she turned to face her friend and added.
"In fact... I thought it was too cold to die that way. And then, when I got out... I thought it was a great joke that not even water wanted me. Can't fall any lower than that..."
What Sarah chose to share with him was dark and came with a huge deal of trust. Even Gannet could see that, and he didn't show an ounce of judgement as he took it in. Just concern.
I'm glad you chose living,
he said, thinking of his own near drowning with a shiver. I fell under the ice once. Water is a terrible way.
The panic, the pain, and then the knowing. The knowing was the worst, though maybe she didn't get that far since she chose not to. It was cold, and lonely.
Do you think you will again?
he asked, bluntly. He didn't really need to know, but as her friend, he felt like he wanted to ask. He hoped that the answer was no.
"I am fine now," Sarah shrugged, looking down at her paws, deep in her own thoughts, then she lifted her gaze and met Gannet's. "But I can't give any promises. I have gone off rails before," she admitted honestly. The darkness had not disappeared, it was still there looming over the horizon like a heavy rain-cloud, the thunder rumbling menacingly in the distance. Months before she had thought that the only way to heal was to get rid of the depression completely. Now she had come to terms with the fact that her illness was as much a part of herself as anything else.
"What do you think of Ibis?" she changed the topic, now that the most difficult part was taken care of. "She is sweet, silly and naive, but quite unfit for an independent life," Sarah shared her opinion. It was not flattering to her niece, but it was the truth. Terance's daughter was a nice girl - no doubt about it - but a fragile flower that would always need someone to shelter her from the frost and harsh winds.
Gannet nodded, and looked down also. I can always talk, if you want.
he said, though he guessed she knew it. Sometimes the offer was needed though. He didn't guess he'd be able to stop her if she truly had her mind set, but if she was unsure and needed to talk, he wanted her to know that she could.
The conversation shift wasn't unwelcome, though the previous hadn't been uncomfortable for him. Just a little sad. He smiled at Sarah's description, and neither agreed nor disagreed with it. She's happy.
Somehow she carried that childhood happiness with her still, it seemed. It didn't seem like many did; Gannet certainly didn't know where she found her social spark. I hope she keeps it,
he added.
"I will keep that in mind," Sarah promised, feeling grateful for Gannet's support. He had been a good friend to her so far and it occurred to her that she had not returned the favour. Not that he needed her shoulder to cry on, but she knew she would feel better, if she attempted to set a record straight. "If you ever need anything... well, you know," she did not quite know, how to finish the sentence, but she hoped that the implication was clear.
"Happy is as happy does," she remarked thoughtfully. "For her sake I wish that there is always someone to look out for her. Then again... I don't understand people like her and I should probably not be judging her." Sarah was silent for a while and then asked: "Did you know her mother? Name has escaped my memory. Because she is so much unlike my brother or his extended family."
Gannet shook her head in answer to Sarah's question. Ibis had never really spoken of her mother around him except to maybe say she missed her, along with her brother. They lived somewhere, though he forgot the pack name. Lily's pack.
I don't know her. I don't know him much either.
Gannet hadn't met Terance much yet except in passing, so didn't have much of a view of how he was. Serious, maybe, but most leaders were. He wondered if Ibis would change if she ever led... and he hoped not. What's his family like?
'Your family' he guessed would have also worked.
"I do not know her either. All I can deduce is that, if them two are living in different homes, then it did not end well," Sarah said, having no intention on pushing this matter with Terance, unless he wished to speak about it himself. It was obvious that Ibis adored her mother's side of the family and therefore she wanted to believe that her brother's former mate was just as worthy as him. Two good people in their own way that did not manage to stay together.
"There are two types roughly - the ones, which have their four feet planted firmly on the ground, and the ones that have their heads in the clouds," she spoke with fondness and pride in her voice. "Me, Terance, my younger brother Coriander and..." here she paused, as if she was not sure, whether she should say it or not. She decided to move on: "...Juno and Jupiter - both sisters, by the way, are realists. We carry the weight of the world on our shoulders, my mom used to say."
"Wraen and Maia took more after our mom, whereas Cassandra and the youngest brother Janus, seemed always to me not to be from this world," she found it was easy to speak about them, if she believed them to be alive and well. And... in a way, they were and always would be. "Cass claimed she could see ghosts and Janus was always quiet, introvert, with wisdom of an old man in his eyes. It was scary sometimes that a mere kid could look at you as if they saw right through you."
Mm. He couldn't imagine being parted from Ashlar now, but he couldn't speak to it. He was not his true father, and after conversations with Liffey, it was impossible not to think what might happen if Mona changed her mind. If she did, he would respect it, much as it would break his heart.
He listened quietly as she described them. Gannet didn't have much of an opinion on ghosts, having never seen one himself. He remembered being very uncomfortable as a child, however, when Eljay had insisted his brother was still there with them. It is scary,
he agreed.
It was good to hear a familiar name again. Wraen was a friend. At Moonspear.
A good one who had helped him through a pretty rough patch. I think I am more like you.
She had been able to tell stories and seemed brighter in a different way than him. His optimism was high, but it was grounded in real things.
"I think that you are better," Sarah replied, meaning every word. She was not a good person, not according to the high standards she had set for herself. And Gannet - though he definitely had his own flaws - had been that better person. Always listening, never battering her with words or - worse - offended and judgemental silences.
After this point the conversation would be difficult to continue, because Sarah always felt awkward and uneasy, when she had revealed something deeply personly. So it was a lucky occasion that a distraction happened - either her niece returned with a message to relay, opinion to voice, or hunger was nagging - and their conversation could come to a natural end.
And months after that, when Gannet would have already left with Mona and Ashlar, Sarah would find solace in that she had at least in some way managed to tell her friend that he was wise and important to her. That she held him and his opinion in high regard.