Although she had not been avoiding the General, Nyx had chose maintain a comfortable distance from him. Following their last private encounter, then the hog that'd rendered her den-bound with sickness, she decided it would be best to not overstep any boundaries that @Mahler may have placed.
The last thing she wanted was to complicate anything, but things did begin to plague on her mind. During her time at Diaspora their relationship had always been a professional one and Nyx, despite her vulnerability around him, hoped to keep it that way. Would he think less of her for offering herself in such a manner, for the very obvious weakness she harboured at the mere mention of her slain children?
She lingered along the Eastern edges of the hollow that evening, nosing around in search of a cave that might be suitable for sheltering her from the threat of approaching snowfall.
it was the last scent of ketzia he found that led mahler to their pionier. the little goddess was a woman he had failed, and even in his feverishness had he known it then.
awarness of nyx' nearness grew; he realized he had not seen her often since their interlude. consumed by wylla, he decided, consumed by andraste, enough each for very different reasons.
he paced along nyx' trail somewhat chagrined, but when he caught sight of her lithe form ahead on the path, he was compelled to step forward, a gentle chuff filling the space between them. would she accept his presence?
Nyx acknowledged the announcement of the General's presence with a curious cant of a mahogany lobe, before easing her stride to allow him the opportunity to catch up to her. She turned her head smoothly to look over her scrawny shouldersand welcomed him to her flank with a friendly sway of her tail.
She failed to reach out to him despite a desire to assure him that their previous encounter did not rouse any awkwardness on her part, choosing instead to let him be the one who would take charge. "Hey," she said softly, yellow eyes lingering with quiet concern on Mahler's dark features before returning to her sniffing of a particularly interesting scent; a vixen had passed through recently. "Looking for me?"
relieved that nyx did not seem ready to reject him, but aware that in the hearts of women could be hidden unsaid things, mahler essayed to her side and took up the trail.
"i vanted to apologize for being so scarce as of late," the general said, opting for directness over allusion. "it was not because of vhat happened betveen us, however, and it is important i say that to you, nyx."
he urged her to look upon him, to see the truth of his words standing firm in his somber lavender eyes.
Truthfully, his apology surprised her. The tawny Ostrega felt her heart skip an uncomfortable beat and, with new dryness to her throat, shifted just enough to lift her vivid eyes in search of Mahler's face once more as he carried on.
Why? her yellow gaze asked beneath the furrowing of her brow, and Nyx remained silent. What was this? She'd always tiptoed around discussion of such topics with Lycaon, so Mahler's forward nature was certainly unexpected. "Oh," she finally managed, "uhm. Okay?"
nyx did not receive his admission as he would expect. though, mahler mused, how had he expected the woman to take such an open declaration?
she had not spurned his apology, however — it relieved him, and so the general put himself upon the search she had indicated in the beginning.
"vhat do you seek?"
She blinked. He stared right back at her. Nyx felt the tension strung between them, electric, creeping with a dead weight onto her shoulders. Releasing the breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding, the wolfess inhaled another more deeply.
"I have no need of your apology, Mahler," she shared with him, thought her words wavered with discomfort, "because there is nothing you need to be sorry for."
She rolled a peppered shoulder, content to lay such awkwardness to rest as she pressed along the trail she'd hoped to source a suitable densite. A question came from the General's mouth, a change of subject that Nyx was hungry for, and she eyed him briefly with the hint of a smile. "A cave," she told him. A safe place, all of my own.. "If we are to remain here for a while longer, I hope to find a more permanent densite."
a slight furrowing of his brow was the only sign of the utter turmoil reeling within mahler. had he not done her a disservice? why did she see things so differently?
one of them was incorrect, but he was too wearied to wish it was him. at her announcement, mahler's brow truly knit.
the wolves of diaspora had always slept communally, and he did not enjoy the change brought by the move. but perhaps he was mistaken; features smoothed.
"do you mean it for a vhelping den, nyx?" mahler inquired, for it was the only reason he saw that she might seek her own sleeping place.
Nyx, cursed by the guilt that had followed her after the slaughter if her newborn cubs, rarely denned with the others. Between them and her was a distance, a barrier erected purely to protect herself for fear of growing too close. Bad things happened to those she dared hope to offer companionship, as fate seemed fit to prove with every wolf who suffered since her arrival: Stigmata, Blodreina, Ingram, Ketzia, Takiyok, their children...
Maybe Mahler was next on her list.
She exhaled gently through flared nostrils at the General's suggestion, and found herself wondering if he might possess some mind-reading power. Only recently had she considered such a possibility come Springtime; to be a mother wasn't something Nyx had ever been able to source on her list of priorities, more so after the loss of her first litter. She wasn't strong enough, brave enough... but maybe now, she could be.
"Maybe. Are you... offering?" Nyx glanced his way, both anxious and curious for his reaction.
it remained to be seen how mahler would have reacted to know what nyx had done; it then was inconsequential to his surprise.
stoneflower stare dipped upon her gaze; rested; pulled away. shoulders rolled in a single shifting step as mahler, implacable always, considered the implications.
the last time he had allowed fathers within his realm, they had broken their families and abandoned diaspora's borders. his heart hardened against it, hardened further to know that he must be expected to deal with it again.
no.
a silence.
"and if i vas?" danger here; mahler plunged into it headlong and prideful.
Children, though vital to the growth and future of the pack, were very much a mystery to her. Nyx had never felt any real desire to be a mother, did not look upon raising offspring to be her true purpose in life. She was sure that, in large part, this lack of parental instinct came hand-in-hand with a disinterest in tying herself to a mate.
Her first participation in the breeding season ended in disaster, a failure she'd tried for years to forgive herself for. The guilt remained, as raw and numb as the days that had followed, but perhaps she could be worthy of a second chance.
What she needed was for something to be her grounding to the world, something to hold her focus and break the vicious chains surrounding her heart. "I would accept," she answered, soft but bold, though she felt that familiar waver of uncertainty within. It quickly heightened to panic and, with more urgency, the tawny Ostrega continued: "I wouldn't expect you to be involved, unless... you'd want to?"
A curious prick of her ear then, as she swallowed the lump in her throat.
mahler knew well he was not only flirting with disaster, he was considering a great flout of traditional, primal ways.
he would be accused of many things: that he was innately selfish, that his lust knew no bounds, that he was willing to skewer diaspora again with a thousand children to serve his aims.
and yet it was not carnal passions that drove mahler, but the deepset arc of arrogance that had always been his birthright: he alone was general, and he alone knew what was best for his wolves.
quietly he pondered nyx, though his gaze grew pensive with a hard edge. she sought to absolve him of his duties, first as father, then as general. "of course i vould be involved," mahler intoned, a bit stung she would think so little of him.
reining his pride, knowing the she-wolf had only meant it respectfully, mahler gave a bare curve of lips. "i vould be their father even if i had not sired them," he declared, for that was the way he had always been.
She felt the sharpness of Mahler's cool stare on her, enough that her raven-tipped lobes smoothed back against her peppered nape. The silent apology was evident in her eyes; Nyx hadn't meant to lead him along into the concern that she sought to dismiss any part he wished to play in the upbringing of any offspring that would come from their union, but simply to assure him that she sought no commitment to her.
As far as she was aware, the General was very much a bachelor. She had no interest in whatever other she-wolves might seek his affections for her intentions were purely selfish. Fast approaching her fifth year in this world, Nyx knew she would soon outgrow her prime. If ever a time came that she wanted to earn that second chance at motherhood, there was no better time than the present.
"I did not mean to offend," the tawny Ostrega said despite Mahler's spoken vow to act as a father figure to her litter wether he sired them or not, "I've... never really been in this position before. Planning my life, I mean. I usually just go with the flow but if this is going to happen, I want to be prepared." This time. No more mistakes. No more bitterness, self-loathing, "what-if"s. More than anything, Nyx needed to ready herself for what she sincerely hoped was a far brighter future.
he could not see the forest for the trees, he supposed — perhaps he would have eventually realized his mistake. it was immaterial now; mahler nodded gentle assent.
"planning is all i know," the musiker revealed quietly.
a shifting forward of his own auds; mahler considered the insidious nature of their planning. it had the potential to make takiyok feel as if she had been undermined, and how could the general seek to arrest her wrath?
"you vould not mind sharing me as father?" mahler ventured carefully. it was one thing to speak when the season had not come; it was quite another to be under the riotous passion of the heatwave.
With his words, Nyx became painfully aware of just how different she and Mahler were. Her initial thoughts on the matter of rearing a brood were that she would do so alone, enough that she could maintain some level of control. Would the General seek to interfere on a daily basis, invade her privacy, dictate what to do and what not to do? A muscle tightened in her jaw as she bit back a frown, though she was was soon distracted by Mahler's question that followed.
She wondered who else he may have promised breeding rights to, and at once she thought of the fierce Takiyok. The Kapitan had bore a litter to Stigmata in the Springtime, Nyx had learned, one that was purely contractual. They had fared well enough, she felt safe to assume, until the latter had perished the following season and the cubs vanished one by one.
"No," she shared simply, a raven-tipped lobe canting sideways - curious. "I would not. Should I be concerned that others might oppose this agreement?"
having no former experience with fathering children that would then live beneath his rule, mahler would have no answers for nyx had she asked. one truth remained above all: the choice to leave diaspora must be theirs alone. he had seen enough of pups being dragged from their birthplace.
"takiyok will not like it," mahler murmured truthfully. that was what set he and his late kill-brother apart, he fervently believed — honesty. it was the best way, despite how it might hurt.
he wished nyx to have all the information she might need to make her own decisions; it was twofold selfish, for if she knew, how could she return to castigate him?
self-serving, yes, but mahler was quite weary of being hounded and blamed, no matter how truthful the allegations.
So it was Takiyok who would prove to be a problem should these plans come to fruition. Nyx blinked, contemplative as she considered if making an enemy of her Kapitän was worth the risk of what Nyx hoped could be the solution to all her problems.
She remained silent for a time, thinking back on her minimal interaction with all of Diaspora's wolves. None had really expressed a dislike for her and they'd maintained a quiet sort of respect for one another, at least from her perspective. A frown tugged each corner of her mouth downward as her mind turned to the mistakes she'd made in Grimnismal - such things that's destroyed any chance of improving relationships with those around her.
"Why?" Nyx asked, genuinely in search of more information. What made Takiyok think herself the most suitable to bear young, when she had failed to keep her young from vanishing? If it were simply a matter of jealousy, of wanting Mahler for herself, then the tawny Pionier could easily seek another donor elsewhere.
he watched her countenance grow somber, felt a flute of irritation that he should be so reined in any way, and nyx as well. it was irrational, and soon passed. "because stigmata filled diaspora with his children and perhaps made promises he did not intend to keep, or could not keep."
it was the right of the winterwhite that she be the only mother in diaspora; it was mahler's right to be the only father. such ideals clashed directly with one another, but that was the way of things. neither of them would capitulate, and those beneath might well be caught in a crossfire.
The mention of Stigmata's name was what served as the catalyst that allowed Nyx to piece the puzzle together, or at least she thought it did. It made sense: had Takiyok, bearer of their former General's first litter, been spurned by him in favour of another? Ketzia's babes were significantly younger than those of the pallid Kapitän and Nyx had witnessed the distance both she-wolves maintained even prior to Stigmata's death.
She frowned. The tawny Ostrega wished to play no part in whatever bitterness or jealousy Takiyok may harbour for those she deemed a threat to her position. She did not crave Mahler's affection, simply just enough of him to fuel her latest goal that could lead the way to that long-awaited happily ever after.
"I..." she glanced away, down at her paws, "I have served Diaspora for some time now, and I intend to for as long as I live. Have I not earned this chance?" After all the misfortune in her lifetime, of course she had! A lump swelled in her throat then, enough to stifle the frustrated sob that threatened to spill forth. "I was robbed of it once before, and such an opportunity may never come for me again."
why was she not speaking of this with takiyok? nyx seemed to demand that mahler know the enigmatic inner machinations of his second, and he simply did not.
aware he was merely frustrated with himself, for a situation he alone had created, the gargoyle swept it all down and stepped to brush lips against the fairy-light hue of nyx' ruff.
"you have earned it. but this is our vay. any children she bears must be defended against injury and illness and threat. any others born are a danger to the life of her brood." there was of course the fact that takiyok had long loved him, but the guilt of it was a deep ache he would rather not unearth for present.
He took this opportunity to reach out to her, make attempt at comfort by sweeping his muzzle across the dense fur of her ruff, yet Nyx turned her face away. As soon as she'd sourced it, her glimmer of hope was gone - fleeting, daring her to dream, and her teeth gritted against the flood of emotion that followed her acknowledgement of such foolish thoughts.
Even after all this time, all this trauma, the depression that very nearly claimed her, every single effort to find herself a purpose was swept away. Nyx, having been a follower for her whole life, felt robbed of her ability to decide for herself. While Mahler presented glorious opportunity, Takiyok saw fit to rob all other of the choice to follow through.
"I don't understand," how a wolfess who let her children disperse one by one could seem herself the only one fit to whelp; how Mahler could allow such insubordination from his Beta; why must she be the one to suffer? "Would she kill the cubs not of her womb, Mahler? Children, a threat to her own? Is that what she has suggested?"
she did not accept his touch; rebuffed, mahler withdrew, though his ears attended each word. her grief was palpable, and he realized he had misspoken and removed her hope.
but then nyx struck upon a notion that had always forced ice into his blood; the general's head rose sharply.
"i vonce hated an alpha female for suggesting such a thing to me. and then i abandoned her pack because i could not support such an idea," mahler growled, considering the fiery dragonness of swiftcurrent. "that vill never be a right of any leader in diaspora."
he softened, grew less terrible. "i do not think takiyok vould harm a child. the season makes fools of us all, clouds logic. she will come to understand."
or so he hoped, for it was her right as dominant female to mete our justice. but even if she had entertained such notions, the winterwhite would not seek death for his children, no matter their dam.
"children are the lifeblood of the pack. they should be sacred to every volf regardless of their parentage."
I lol awkwardly because it was my Alpha female character who made such a suggestion, derp.
She fumed quietly, yellow eyes staring ahead at the frozen snow and frosted rock that lay nestled on the cold earth beneath them. How odd it felt, to fear for the lives of babes not yet conceived at the jaws of another. When last Nyx had whelped, it had been her teeth responsible for such a massacre. It was a secret she would carry to her grave, one she was determined to keep from repeating but continued to fear all the same.
"I've never asked anything of you," she sighed, unsure if she could go forward with her new desire to reproduce following the suggestion of such risk, "yet I give and I give. I'd do anything for Diaspora. I will not beg this of you, Mahler." Nyx lifted her gaze to seek his dark features then, the ache of Takiyok's selfish claim over a wolf who was not her mate evident in the watery depths of her vivid eyes. "Nor will I insist that you choose, but Stigmata's failures are not your own. I hope you remember that."
i was >>;; as i wrote it
she was beset by anger. why was she not listening? "nyx," the general rumbled, moved by the anguish upon her brilliant features. "i vould not ask you to beg for something i have already granted."
takiyok was respected and necessary to the structure of the pack, but she was not its general. mahler was, and he had spoken.
would the loyal she-wolf hear him now? she had asked; he had answered truthfully, but for mahler it did not change the outcome of what he had already bestowed.
Among the sorrow, the anger, came confusion. How could he make such promises, when his second seemed so determined to be Diaspora's only mother? Mahler had said so himself: Takiyok would not appreciate this arrangement.
She was silent for a moment, uncertain, afraid to speak further should the General swiftly change his mind. To hold her tongue was a simpler choice here, she realised, though Nyx couldn't help but wonder when - if - he would share their plan with their Kapitän.
"I don't wish to disrespect Takiyok," came her hushed guilt, which emerged from between her muddied emotions with ease. "I really don't. I just... I know it's wrong to be selfish..." But she's trying to take my choice from me.
And I won't let her.