@Mahler
back dated to 2/1/20 (i can change if needed) and set just before DA relocated
She had disappeared for three days? Four days? Maybe five? She wasn't really sure. Her fight with Stag and the fact that she had made her decision to leave had left her drowning in the overwhelming amount of guilt she felt. But she knew she had to return and tell Mahler she was leaving. It would be easier to just leave without a word, but she just couldn't do that; she was not that type of wolf and even after everything, she still felt he deserved to hear from her that she was leaving and not to wonder where she was for months and then draw his own conclusion. Aside from that, she planned to return and visit Stag as often as she was able, and she didn't want there to be any bad blood, well anymore than there might be once Mahler learned of her plans. Her decision spoke volumes to just how miserable she was here, that she would face this immense guilt and fear rather than remaining here.
When she reached the borders of the hollow, the scents that wafted towards her were painfully familiar. This had been her home and these wolves had been her pack for so long. Guilt swelled in her chest and squeezed her heart. She had to close her eyes and draw in a deep breath. When she had collected herself, she lifted her muzzle and howled for the General, her heart racing as the sound echoed across the valley. At this point, she wasn't even sure what his reaction would be. Maybe he would tell her good riddance and escort her from the borders, she thought bitterly. But she knew that was just her resentment talking...well she hoped so anyway. Her call died and then there was silence aside from the thundering of her heart against her ribs; hopefully she was the only one that would be able to hear it. Thankfully, a lifetime of hiding her emotions had prepared her for things like this. On the inside she was a tight knot of anxiety, fear, and uncertainty but on the outside, she portrayed the usual icy aloofness she reserved for meeting strangers and keeping others from seeing how she really felt about things.
He didn't make her wait very long, and so she would offer him the same courtesy. She almost lost her nerve with him standing all stoic and silent in front of her, his gaze cutting into her like he saw past her mask. He still had so much of a hold on her, and she hated it. But she needed to do this. I'm leaving,
she said, keeping her voice even to hide just how much it hurt to say those words to him. It was not a decision she had come to easily. She had been tortured by it for a while, especially now that Stag wasn't leaving with her. Leaving her son here felt like she was ripping her own heart from her chest. During her time away, she had changed her mind again and again. Doubt had preyed on her weakness over her son and made her consider returning to the hollow for good; she could deal with being miserable if it meant not letting Stag down. She had even turned and started to head back a few times but like every time before, as she drew closer to Diaspora, dread would start to build in her chest, only abating when she put space between herself and the valley once more. Aside from all of that, she had a duty to her family, one she had been ignoring long enough. They needed her more than anything right now, and she was determined to give them a safe place to call home now that her sister had taken over and was making their lives miserable. That was what eventually pushed her into finally making the decision to leave without Stag. I was never meant to be anyone's second,
she explained—in her pack or in love. It had taken her a long time to see that again. And as hurt as she still felt over everything and with so much resentment still boiling in her chest, she wasn't here to hurt Mahler. But she needed to go.
She was surprised by his response, even if it was very Mahler-like. She was surprised and annoyed; she was angry with him for the way things were between them and for how soured she had become towards Diaspora. It wasn't all his fault, she knew that, but he held enough of the blame. She kind of wished he would have been angry about her declaration that she was leaving, then she could tell him a bunch of horrible things and leave here hating him and pretending she never wanted to see his face again. But his words were supportive and reminded her of how they used to be before she complicated everything; they confused her and made a bunch of unwanted feelings and memories rush to her mind. She didn't know how to respond without dropping her mask, so she said nothing.
She hated apologies, always had; they were just fake sentiments meant to assuage the guilt of the one doing to apologizing. They were supposedly offered to make the one who had been wronged feel better, but she always felt apologies really only made the guilty party feel better. And at this point, his sorry was too little too late. She ignored it; it wasn't okay, and she didn't forgive him.
Stag refuses to come with me,
she said instead, her expression darkening under the immense pain the words caused her. All I ask is that you take care of him and let me visit him,
she continued. She wasn't even sure Stag would want to see her after she left, but the wouldn't stop her from coming to see him. She needed him to know that she wasn't abandoning him; she never would.
She didn't miss the defensiveness in his tone as he spoke of loving Stag. Could he blame her for feeling the way she did, though? Could he blame her for not trusting in his love? But deep down, she must trust in it somewhat, or she wouldn't just leave her son here. Even with him on the cusp of adulthood, she would have dragged him with her, kicking and screaming if she didn't think he would be safe here.
He assured her that she would always be welcome here. Again, she wasn't sure what to say. She wanted to feel like this was still her home, but she just couldn't. She hurt too much to feel that way anymore. And she needed a purpose in life; it was clear to her that she wouldn't find it here. She was silent, her expression still blank as she fought to keep her dignity. She wouldn't break here in front of him. She drew in a deep breath and released it.
Bye Mahler,
she forced out. The words were far more painful than she thought they would be. They squeezed her heart so much that she felt her control falter and the pain flashed across her face. She turned and trotted away before he saw anything else, never looking back and never pausing until she was miles away and sure she was completely alone.
<3