Wolf RPG

Miriam was back, so his family was sort of whole again. Or as whole as it could be with Cupid dead and Asmoses missing. Where was his son? How could he have just disappeared like that? Was it all because Mal had been gone looking for Cupid? It was amazing how fast his life had turned into a disaster, because that didn't even include what had happened to Liliana and Simmik before he'd left. Another thing he couldn't fix.

But so many of them were hurting for many different reasons now... Which in turn just hurt him more. No. They had to figure out some way out of this mess. To pull together or... Something. Hell if he knew, he was just speculating here as he wandered through the territory. He did want to find @Simmik thought. Maybe they could talk and go on a patrol or something. Besides, he wanted to bring up his other idea to her too. And he was healed... Did they need to go find the guy now or what was the plan? There was a lot of stuff to talk about, really... However the player has also now remembered that Hua had stopped by and mentioned Renard and stuff and we're just gonna avoid that whole topic for now too, ok? So will get back to that later. Trot trot trot, he went to hunt her down. He missed having her stay at his place -- now it was just him and Caerus again, assuming Caerus didn't basically demand they go back to staying at Cupid's den which... I dunno, was starting to seem weird and he wanted to help Caerus at least move on a little... But again, things to think about, where was his friend?

It would probably be no surprise to anyone that Simmik was patrolling the borders; she spent most of her time there since she had pretty much nixed her exploring. Occasionally, she ventured out to the glacier or the fields close to the glacier, but those times were few and far between, and she never ventured anywhere else. Exploring had been one of her favorite activities before, but now she decided it was just safer to stay in or near the forest. Plus, she needed to patrol and make sure no one came here to hurt the pack. So far, she had convinced herself that she didn't need to go anywhere else. 

Mal's scent filled her nose as she stopped to inspect the roots of a tree that had partially pushed up from the ground. She lifted her head and looked around. Of all the things that had changed since she was attacked, she hated most that she couldn't be normal with her friend; he had only ever wanted to help and make her feel safe here, but there was a huge block in her mind, driven by the desperate need to protect herself from every feeling that helpless again. Not that she thought Mal would ever do anything to hurt her, but right now, that didn't seem to matter. She wished she could say that things would get better, but she had no idea how to get through any of this, and she had no idea if she would ever be normal again. 

Eventually, she spotted his unusual coat in the browns and greens of the forest. When he was close enough, she dipped her head a little. Hey, Mal, she greeted. Are you going somewhere? She wondered if that was his reason for being near the borders today or if he was just patrolling like she had been.

It had been long enough that for the most part Mal was just getting used to things feeling grim. He wasn't cheery necessarily still, but as he spotted her and wandered over he certainly wasn't as weighted down as he had been back a while ago, but the shadow of it still lingered not too far behind, just in case it needed to rear its head. Not really, just patrols and that sort of thing. Was hoping to run into you though -- I've missed you, you know? he said with a smile. Okay, the smile wasn't goofy or super broad, but with everything that had gone on, probably was understandable. It wasn't like he never ran into her any more, but he'd gotten used to her staying with him, and now she wasn't and Mal himself was dragged in about twenty different directions that didn't lend themselves too well to long conversations. 

And did you see Miriam is back? Okay, more like smell, but that sounded weird, the important thing here was the obvious lack of Asmoses. And that thread in general didn't seem like it was going too well in general so it was pretty fresh and heavy on his mind.

He wasn't going anywhere, just patrolling like she was and also looking for her because he missed her. Guilt swelled in her chest, painful and familiar. She had been scarce lately—around but scarce, often on her own because it was just easier that way. I'm sorry, she said first. I know I've been on my own a lot... What else could she say about it? It wasn't likely to change anytime soon, unfortunately. Not unless there was some magical cure for how fucked up she was now. 

She nodded at his next statement, looking away as she waited for her self loathing and disappointment to recede back to a manageable level. She had scented Miriam around, and was glad she was here with Mal and their daughter. Liliana needed her parents. As much as she was struggling with what had happened to her, she couldn't imagine trying to process it as a child—it was just so awful to think about. 

We can patrol together if you want, she offered. She could give him that. She also promised herself that she would try and make more time for him; she wasn't the only one dealing with shit, and she felt bad for not really being there for him.

Okay it wasn't the response he wanted. He wanted Simmik to smile maybe a little -- be positive that people cared for her, at least. Instead it went the other way and he felt bad. He wasn't sure if she saw his expression fall a bit before she looked away. Seriously, how did he fix this? Should he just do something playful or something? Aughgh! I'm always around if you want to talk and stuff. Or even if you don't and just want to like.. Not be alone. How many times had he said that? Probably a lot.

Still, at least he wasn't told to go away or anything. He'd felt a lot of that sort of subtle "buzz off" vibe from several people he deeply cared for recently and wasn't fond of any of it. But he did because he didn't want to push them. Maybe it was the wrong choice. His smile came back a little, That'd be nice. And because of her previous response he left out the bit about how it'd be like before. I was gonna be trying to think of other ideas that might help Liliana and Caerus. Want in on my brainstorm? He hoped so. If only because some of the things he was thinking involved Simmik talking to them, and if that sounded awful to her then again he wouldn't push. But he'd take a few more steps along so they could get on their way.

She hadn't missed the way his face fell at her words, and it only made her feel worse about everything. She hated that she was hurting Mal because he definitely didn't deserve it, but she just didn't know how to be the normal Simmik anymore. She nodded and looked back at him when he offered his time if she ever wanted to talk or hang out. She knew he was available if she needed him, and she was grateful, but alone is often what she wanted to be. Thanks, Mal, she offered quietly. She appreciated him more than she could really express right now. 

However, now was one of the rare moments she didn't recoil from the thought of company, and he seemed to be up for a patrol. He quickly changed the subject from her, for which she was grateful, although it made her sad to think about Caerus and Liliana. She would help however he needed, though. Sure, she told him. What did you have in mind?

Maybe it'd give him more insight on how to help Simmik as well. He'd hope, at least. How could he manage to peel her out of the shell she'd built around herself and point out that here, stuff was all ok? it probably wasn't the way to go, and he wished he did have someone to talk to about it just to bounce ideas off of, but he wouldn't dare spill the beans. So, Mal was left with things being awkward and him mentally flailing along as they headed to the borders.

I was figuring that soon we should call a meeting and see if we can send out another round of scouts for Asmoses. Let Miriam stay home and send people who are gonna be really thorough and check with every pack they find. If like.. more of the pack knew Cupid well we could say stuff about him there, but I'm just afraid he kept too much to himself so it'd be a bad idea. He now wished that he had a much longer list that didn't involve Simmik. I don't know. The whole thing is a lot of I don't know. Because like.. I don't think I always say the right thing. Like maybe I don't relate enough or something. But I'm worried about them, like maybe they're too alone with their thoughts and stuff. I always say I'm there for them but it doesn't seem like enough.  Floundering. Do you think you might be able to talk to either of them too maybe? The reason with Liliana was fairly obvious. He didn't need to mention why. I mean.. Especially with Caerus I can't exactly say I know exactly what he's going through even though my dad is dead too. He was pretty much dead to me before that. I just.. I worry about them both. And with the blowup between Miriam and Liliana (or at least it definitely seemed more directed at Miriam than him) he didn't see his daughter as having a particularly stable time either. Maybe it would help all of them.

I think a meeting would be good, she said first. There was a lot going on, and they needed to make sure the entire pack was on the same page about things. And sending more of us out to look for Asmoses would be good too. More eyes looking and getting the word out was always a good thing. As for Cupid, she offered a somber tilt of her lips and released a soft sigh. I think you should do what you think is best, but don't feel like you can't bring him up. He was a part of the pack and deserves to be remembered. Just because he kept to himself, didn't mean he wouldn't be missed. 

When he asked for help with Caerus and Liliana, Simmik nodded. Of course, she told him. She wasn't sure she would be much help to anyone right now, but she would do just about anything to help Mal, especially with his kids. I'll see if I can help them out in some way. Her expression turned sad. Being there for them is sometimes all you can do, and it is enough. Even if she hadn't come to him to talk about things, it still helped to know he was there for her. How are you doing with everything, though, she asked, feeling even guiltier for her outburst now. He had to be dealing with a lot, and he didn't need her messed up shit on top of it.

At least the meeting part was settled then. Or at least the important parts of it. But he wasn't so sure about talking about Cupid, still. I don't even know if Cupid would want me to talk about him -- he just got so mad that one time... I mean when I got back and found him here, he didn't seem that angry. But I don't know. I didn't get to try to fix anything. He didn't get a chance to convince Cupid that he really was his friend at an absolute bare minimum. How could he say anything when Cupid might very well have hated him for it? It wasn't like Mal could read his mind, but it was definitely a boulder Mal carried. Every time someone said Cupid's memory would be with him or something like that hadn't been standing at the other end of his anger -- there was, at least in Mal's mind, a very real possibility he wouldn't want that at all.

He shook his head, trying to chase the thought away as he took a moment to sniff around the border. I'm learning to manage because I have to. Which was true. He felt like a good chunk of the pack either relied on him (ok, he had a lot of kids) or he felt needed someone to want to help them. I don't think I'm doing enough to help everyone. Simmik, Liliana, Caerus, Asmoses... If Simmik had heard Liliana talking to Miriam...! It had been his fault somehow, hadn't it? When she'd gone and left to look for Asmoses, maybe he should have stopped her. Or something. It was a mess.

You can't beat yourself up over something you can't fix now, she told him. Easier said than done, she knew. It was also the pot calling the kettle black, but she hated seeing him so torn up over something he couldn't do anything about. She was of the opinion that Cupid was maybe a little too hard on Mal, and some might view that as a biased opinion, but she didn't care. Mal did a lot for everyone, and she didn't like that he was so torn up over what had happened between him and Cupid. 

Simmik shook her head. I think you're being too hard on yourself, Mal, she countered. You do a lot for all of us, but you can't always keep bad things from happening; that's not your fault. She swallowed and looked away. Sometimes shit just happens and there's nothing anyone can do about it. It was something she kept trying to tell herself as well. It was hard not to think about all the ways she could have avoided what happened to her, and that just made the psychological wounds deeper.

Maybe that was so, but the weight of it all was enough to crush a wolf. Had any other pack had as much trouble as they had? Probably not. I can't just let all this keep happening, though. It's getting old. A sigh, This forest is supposed to be safe, our home. And yet we've had everything that's happened... How could it not be his fault somehow? I want to do something. He wanted to help Simmik, especially -- and helping her would probably help Liliana in the process, or so he surmised. He was just so over these dark days...

A moment of silence and he shifted the subject, If you still want to go kill the guy, when do you want to go? They'd healed. At some point it was going to come up again, and Mal didn't want to be caught offguard.

Immediately, she felt a pang if guilt in her chest. She knew she was the reason he felt he was failing at being there for the pack. She had all this shit she was dealing with, and she wasn't really dealing with it well. But all she did was shut everyone out and push away any attempts at comfort because she didn't know how to be comforted. She didn't want to be touched and no words could soothe her pain or chase away the devastating darkness left inside her. But she was still glad he was here with her. None of this is your fault, she told him again. You do plenty to help, really. I know I haven't been the easiest to be around, but I really do appreciate you being here for me. She didn't know how else he could help.

The mention of the monster had her tensing, her expression turning murderous before she covered it up with a blank mask. I'm ready now, she said flatly. I want to know he's dead and never going to hurt anyone else again. She hated him. She wanted to rip his throat out and watch him struggle to breath—the hate in her thoughts was almost suffocating as she pictured it.

That's not on you either. If I'm ever able to do more for you, you let me know. I don't care if it's weird or stupid or anything. I'll do it or make it happen as best I can. He smiled a bit, mostly because he finally thought of something kinda funny to say, I'll even keep rambling on about how you're my best friend, even if it makes me sound like a giant dork, ok? Which was true. 

Anyway, off to the less-fun subject. He didn't like that look that passed over her. Well, he understood it just fine, but he didn't want her to have to feel that way. Dammit. Why couldn't it be something they just could hug and it would go away? Or yell loudly or something. Okay. How about we rest up then, get ready to go in a few days? Which would then be delayed probably first by Donovan, then by the attack on Aibreann, and then the trespasser.. Stuff like that. They'd go eventually assuming someone didn't step up and tell them otherwise first. That's how it feels OOCly at least, because Mal actually does intend to keep his promise here.

He just wished he was the only one in the pack that would have to shoulder something like that -- everyone else deserved to be happy. He'd happily take any nightmares for them.

A small smile curved her lips, and she shook her head and looked away, her chest tightening with emotion. Thanks, Mal, she said, looking back up at him. You're my best friend, too. Really, he was. Of all the wolves in her life, she knew she could count on Mal no matter what—even when she was messed up and hard to be around. 

Thankfully, he didn't plan to make her wait too much longer. He said they could go in a few days, and anxiety spiked in her chest. What if they went searching and didn't find him? She wouldn't ever really be able to be at peace until she knew he was dead, preferably because she had snuffed his life out herself. She nodded stiffly. Okay, was all she offered because she could hardly even muster up the focus to speak. Hate and anger filled her mind and consumed her.

He didn't like the way mentioning the guy changed Simmik's expression. Why couldn't he find some solution that'd make her go back to normal? Dammit, world. He changed the subject, Do you want to do any training? Like fight training stuff -- like with me or the pups or anyone. I mean.. Everyone probably needs it. You can have fun smashing me into the ground probably. He was at least trying to be funny about it, but his heart wasn't 100% in it. After everything that happened, maybe she didn't want to.. But.. He did kind of need to know if someone else had to teach his kids how to defend himselves. 

A pause, I mean, not right now. But like some other time. We should just finish up this patrol and stuff now. He just wished it wasn't gonna end up being in weird silence. It was the smile from before that was the thing he wanted -- it was nice, he missed seeing her smile. If he needed to act like a goofball to pull the Simmik he knew out of this funk, ok, put that on the list of things that was gonna happen.

His words registered far away in her mind, but she didn't respond for a few moments. Her eyes were glassy, and it was clear her mind was somewhere else. When she realized she hadn't said anything to his question, she shook her head quickly to dislodge herself from the sea of rage and turmoil. She frowned at him as she tried to collect herself. Um... she said quietly and then with more volume and sounding more like herself, she added: Yeah sure. I can train anyone that wants to learn. She gave a weak laugh to his comment, but the feeling wasn't really there. She didn't have any issue with teaching the pack to defend itself, especially with all the uncertainty. The pups definitely needed to learn. 

She nodded when he said they should finish up their patrol. Yeah, okay, she agreed. As he feared, the patrol probably would be done mostly in an awkward silence; once she allowed the thoughts of the monster to surface, it was hard to push them back into their cage. She would try to not focus on it for Mal's sake, but it was easier said than done. 

Okay, cool. I think it'd be good for all of us. We'll all feel safer probably. He smiled, tried to at least. The whole thing was weird. He didn't really want to fight... But if everyone could be safe, he'd do it. If he could protect his friends and family... Then maybe it would be worth it. But let's get this patrol done first, okay? Maybe by then things would have cooled a little. 

He'd bring up some other probably pretty mundane things on the patrol itself, as usual, just trying to make conversation. He wished he could help. He wished he could do more... It would be nice. But he was glad at least his friend was here. But what else could he do?