this is not the direction i expected this to take :^)
It's been an off day for Zephyr — actually, that's an understatement.
He's spent the day patrolling relentlessly, skin crawling, urging him onward past any other desires he might have. The movement is the only thing that soothes the wrongness buzzing deep in his bones, aching unbearably and growing with each passing moment of stillness. Today, more than other days, the wraith is hyper-aware of his differences; all the little ways in which he isn't quite right, the realities that don't match his vision of his own body. The feeling is icy dread in his chest, the looming weight of impending doom; he is wrong, his body is wrong, all of it is wrong.
Beneath the crushing anxiety of it all, Zephyr watches the feeling with curiosity. There is no true crisis in it, no desire to lash out as there once was; only the vague compulsion to shed his skin in hopes of stepping out as some improved version of himself, superficially closer to how he feels within. He dislikes the feeling — but he knows it will pass, in time.
Still, it brings questions with it. Questions he'd never liked thinking about before this — about how he's different and why and what it means for the way everyone sees him. He can't help wondering if this is somehow related to @Phillip's apparent lack of enjoyment when they'd been intimate. Of all his thoughts, that one sticks with him, stinging and nagging like a papercut until he finds himself seeking the dark boy. When he finds him, he can't stop the question from pouring out of his mouth. Phillip — the reason you didn't like it when we had sex… was it because I'm different?
He swallows, realizing he should clarify. Because I look and smell like a girl?
Saying it still feels wrong, though he knows it's true. The acknowledgement stings every time — but he doesn't mind it. It's a reminder of who he really is.
Phillip had taken the day off from any activity he probably should’ve been doing, instead using the time for birdwatching. That probably wasn’t the right word for it. It implies he quietly gazed at a distance. There were times where he’d interfere with there activities, trying lure them down with twigs or leaves or whatever he thought may interest them. Nothing worked. By the time the day was coming to a close he’d given up, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t try again tomorrow.
With a sigh, Phillip made his way back to the den where he’d hope to find his lover. They crossed paths before he could reach it though, which was a pleasant surprise. He smiled warmly when he approached him, but it fell as soon as Zephyr asked his question.
He was perplexed at first. What did he mean by different? The answer came quickly. N-no! It’s got nothing to do with that—or you— it’s just-
His throat went dry for a moment, causing a pause, -it’s hard to talk about.
But this wasn’t about Phillip. The question was so out of the blue, he can’t help but feel something else was bothering his partner. Why do you ask? Are you alright?
He watches Phillip carefully as he answers, guilt sparking in his chest at the way he stammers through the answer. But he doesn't get an opportunity to apologize or ask about it; Phillip goes on to prove, once again, that he is a kinder and more attentive lover than Zephyr had imagined was possible. The questions catch him a little off-guard, leaving him floundering at first in search of an answer. I —
Am I alright? It's a good question; one he hadn't thought to ask himself. I don't know. I feel wrong — like I have a disease or something. My body doesn't feel... normal, to me. I wish I was more like you.
Honesty is more difficult than he'd expected. But getting it out feels a little better, and he knows Phillip is the safest person in the world to express these feelings to.
His heart stopped for a moment when Zephyr began to speak, and he held his breath when he paused. That moment of silence, as quick as it may have been, felt like an eternity. It’s clear there was something troubling his beloved, and Phillip worried over what it could be. He always did.
The answer, in reality, follows soon after and yet Phillip did not take a breath. He was left even more confused than before. A normal body.. what did he mean by that?
But it is normal, isn’t it?
Phillip took in that long awaited breath. I-I mean, you don’t need to look like me to be normal.
A scarlet flash of frustration surfaces at first, an impulsive and irrational response to what Zephyr sees as a lack of understanding. It seems to him that Phillip doesn't understand, that he never could — but in the next moment, he realizes that he's looking at it all wrong. His partner is right; there isn't any reason to assign the blame to himself and his own body, when it's the world that gets it wrong. If no one ever called him a girl, Zephyr knows he would have no reason to hate himself. He is normal — even if no one but Phillip seems to think so.
He blinks, realizing suddenly that his vision is blurred. His ears fall back with an abrupt but soft exhale, and he smiles faintly. You're right. I guess — I don't feel normal when people think I'm a girl,
Which just sucks for him, doesn't it? He can't exactly stop that from happening. Especially when I correct someone and they argue. It never stops bothering me. When it's quiet and I have nothing else to think about, that's what I think about. Sometimes I can't get it out of my head, no matter how hard I try.
The difficulty of it seems to melt away, and suddenly his feelings are pouring out of him with more intensity than he'd even realized he felt. Putting it into words is strange; a little painful, but mostly he feels relief. If nothing else, at least someone knows now; at least he isn't suffering in silence.
This subject hadn’t came up in awhile. Hasn’t ever really, not since Zephyr had first corrected him. The yearling never could’ve imagined Zephyr having this much trouble with his gender, mostly because he believed everyone would be accepting as him. Phillip was surprised to find out that wasn’t the case. Some would even go out of their way to argue with him. Why is that? Why was it so hard for others to accept Zephyr for who he was? Phillip’s heart ached for his partner.
I didn’t know you felt that way
he murmured. His throat was even more dry than before. That’s so.. terrible. They’re terrible for that. And- and wrong! You are normal, and they can’t change that.