Whatever Zephyr was planning to do was not a good idea. Taikon took a long walk after his conversation with the boy leader to see if the initial stress went away. He knew that this protective feeling was at least partly coloured by whatever distant tension still remained between them. He also knew that crossing the mountains alone was simply not a good idea. Had the three of them not been together the last time, it was unlikely they would have survived at all. Zephyr had largely recovered from his own injuries, but Taikon worried he wasn't 100%.
The idea that Zephyr wasn't comfortable with Takiyok at all, that he didn't trust her, bothered him immensely.
He trailed after her scent until he found her, and was quick to bump up beside her, grazing his body along hers like a cat.
Taki,
he said. He wanted to have a moment with her before he told her about Zephyr, but it was clear from his expression something was on his mind.
As always, when she had things on her mind, she could be found along the borders, falling into the familiar task of patrolling; it had always been her way of avoiding what she wasn't ready to deal with or processing something confusing. Sometimes, it was a way to find relief from something weighing heavily on her mind, as it was today. She worried about her niece and if she was safe. She worried most about Taikon, though. He seemed better physically, but she could tell something wasn't right. She had been so happy that he was alive and here, she hadn't wanted to find anything else wrong with him. Not that it would change the way she felt; her love was not given easily, and it was even harder for it to fade. Mostly she just wanted a little peace, and some scared part of her hoped it would just resolve with time and patience.
She was deep in thought, trotting rhythmically along the edge of the forest when his scent filled her nose. She slowed just as he came up behind her, brushing against her as he fell onto step beside her. She smiled and nuzzled under his chin before pulling back a little to meet his gaze. She could see on his face something was up before she heard the seriousness of his tone as he spoke. Her smile fell and she frowned. Something is troubling you,
she stated rather than asked. No need to beat around the bush. If he wanted to talk, she would listen.
He never got tired of the way she bumped underneath him, not even when he knew she wasn't going to like anything else that came out of his mouth. He tried to reign himself in, knowing well that you get what you give, and if he came at this defensively, she would respond reactively.
Taikon sighed, giving her a quaint, strange little smile that read as "the troubles never end." He nuzzled her neck for good measure. You always know,
he said.
Moving alongside her, he dipped his head and took another breath, licking his lips. Zephyr. He's.. I don't know, there's something troubling him, and now he wants to head back over the mountains,
he began. His ears drooped. He says it's important, that he wants to see his sister,
he said.
Taikon thought about whether he should play the part of his mother, and hand her a half truth to see if she would volunteer herself to go with him. When this entered his mind, it worried him that he was still unwell, and tossed it aside. He had always been honest. I told him that we should go with him, because he wants me to go with him. He didn't like that. I just... don't want him to go alone. It's dangerous. He says Rowan "can't" for some reason.
The reasoning didn't make sense to him, but neither did his distrust of Taki.
He looked at her feet, too worried to check her expression.
She inwardly winced at the look on his face and his words that confirmed what she had already known. Whatever it was, they would figure it out.
At least that was what she thought until he brought up Zephyr and how he wanted to travel across the mountains. She could understand wanting to see a family member, but they had proven twice now that it was not an easy journey—it certainly wasn't a journey he should do alone.
And it seemed Zephyr hadn't wanted to go alone. He wanted Taikon to go with him after he had almost died the last time he made the trip. Resentment burned in her stomach. Why Taikon? Didn't Zephyr have friends he could take with him? Things had been strained between them and the leader the entire time they had been a part of the pack—so why was Taikon suddenly the one he needed to go with him? There was nothing about this that Taki was okay with. She was supposed to sit here and worry while he traveled over the mountains yet again? She didn't think she could bear to do that again, nor did she think he was in any condition to be making a long, arduous trip like that. What had her chest tightening, though, was the fact that he hadn't said he told Zephyr no.
Taki shook her head, a deep frown knitting her brows as she finally spoke. It is dangerous, and he should not go alone. But you going with him is not the answer, either,
she reasoned. You almost died last time and you are still not fully healed. I do not think I could sit here and worry that you might never come back.
It was too much of him to ask of her, so surely he wouldn't. Surely he had thought logically about this and had come to the same conclusion she had. He needs an escort, but he needs to find someone else—another pack mate maybe. But not you.
There was no way he could convince her otherwise.
Takiyok didn't like any of it. He had expected that. He could feel her displeasure even while he refused to look at exactly how deep that frown was — he knew well she would not be impressed. Maybe this would finally convince her that the boy leader was an irrational disaster.
And I wouldn't make you go through that again,
he clarified. This was not meant to convince her that he should go, because to be honest, that didn't make much sense. He just also knew what was likely to happen if they left Zephyr to his own devices. He's not going to find someone else. So, either we follow him, together, you and me, or we get somebody else to follow him. I don't know what the hell he's thinking.
He huffed out a thick sigh. I just don't want him to die. I won't do it.
It seemed they were on the same page about him leaving again, which was a relief. It was a hard boundary for her right now, and she didn't want to fight with him about it—she didn't want to fight with him at all. She wanted some time to just be happy with him, even if it looked different now.
He seemed so worried about Zephyr dying, and the feeling of resentment clenched her gut again. Why did he care so much if Zephyr died? It wasn't like she wanted anything bad to happen to the young leader, but she wasn't going to go out of her way to protect him from his poor decisions. He wasn't a child. He is an adult and can make his own choices, Taikon. It is not your responsibility to save him from his mistakes.
It was probably not the caring words he wanted from her, but he shouldn't be surprised; she had always been more pragmatic when it came to those who were not in her very small circle of trust. I think we should stay out of it and let him do what he wants. If he thinks it is a good idea to have you lead him with out me, he clearly does not have your best interest in mind.
He needed to stop letting whatever hold Zephyr had on him blind him from logic.
He is an adult.
Taikon scoffed under his breath and shook his head, even though he continued to listen. Zephyr had never acted like an adult, except for maybe the one night on the mountain... Part of him wished he could just erase his memory of that entirely.
He knew that rationally, she was right. It was not his responsibility. Yet for whatever reason, he felt like it still was. Why would Zephyr want him to go with him of all people? Was there still some special connection between them, even though Zephyr had not so long ago said he never wanted to see him again?
If he dies...
It's on you, he almost joked, but realized it would come out wrong. Instead, the half-sentence drifted into something very sad. Fucking idiot.
He hissed at nobody, indirectly angry with the boy leader.
If he dies. She stopped walking and turned more towards him as he cursed. If he dies, then what?
she asked. It is not like he gathered the both of us to ask us to escort him as the warriors of the pack,
she continued without letting him answer her mostly rhetorical question. Do you not think it strange that he only wants you to go?
The twinge of some uncomfortable feeling rose in the back of her mind. It was something she hadn't really felt before and didn't understand.
She started walking again. I cannot help but feel like we have had nothing but trouble here.
She hadn't had her heat yet, which was strange. Could stress delay it? Maybe she couldn't have children anymore? The thought was too much to bear; it stole her ability to say anything else for now.
Taikon was exhausted by the people in his life disappearing and dying. He remembered them all. He kept walking even when she had stopped, pushing through the pain of the thought of Zephyr being dead somewhere and them having no way of knowing what had happened. She was right, of course. He should have been begging the both of them to escort him. It didn't make any sense, since Zephyr had just yelled at Taikon for doing the exact same thing.
Finally, he paused, glancing behind him to face her. I do,
he admitted. Why Zephyr would trust him and not Takiyok didn't make any sense either. He knew there was still tension between the two of them, but lack of trust seemed silly.
As Takiyok started again, Taikon matched her pace and resumed at her side, keeping close enough to her that he could feel the warmth from her body. He licked his lips nervously. I didn't want to stay, but you were hurt, and without Zephyr and Rowan, we'd both be dead.
He answered. They had not planned to join a pack. They had wanted to find somewhere secluded to survive the winter together.
A crow above them cawed to announce their presence. Taikon sneered at the animal. He had never liked birds. Now they lived in a forest plagued with them.
He had noticed, and wondered, and worried that Takiyok had not gone into heat. Half the point of them staying here was to have some assistance in raising their pups, but Taikon had expected that they would already have arrived. He wondered if stress or something else had delayed it, but was too anxious to ask.
She could tell this weighed heavily on him, and for that reason alone she wanted to push aside her criticism and judgement and figure out some way to give him what he wanted. She hated to see him upset or in turmoil over anything. She had always put her own feelings first—had always stuck to her decisions no matter the situation, but for some reason, she just couldn't bear to see him struggle. So she compromised, even though she wanted nothing less than to escort Zephyr through the mountains. If you decide you must go, then I will go too,
she told him. I do not care if Zephyr wants only you to come; I need to know that you are safe, and that is the only way I can do that.
There was just no other way she would let him make the trip through the mountains.
I know,
she told him when he explained why they had needed to be here at first. I am just not very happy here.
Maybe it was more than the place, but she couldn't help but associate all of her negative feelings with this forest. I do not know why I have not had my heat yet, and I can only assume it has to do with how unhappy and stressed I have been.
she was healthy otherwise as far as she knew. What other explanation was there?
Even though he knew that it was not rational to follow Zephyr on his death quest, there was something very powerful about the way that Takiyok allowed him to play with the idea anyway. She did not chastise him. She did not yell at him. She did not try to convince him he was wrong, because she knew very well that he was not stupid, and going over the mountains again was not a good idea.
He smiled at her meaningfully. He wanted to be able to express how much he loved her, but he couldn't. It was a strange feeling, and so he did the best he could by just listening.
But when she mentioned her heat, he lost focus. It had been bothering him for a while, but he'd never felt it was right to ask her about it. If anything it was she who wanted children more than he did, and so asking her about her own fertility was a wildly inappropriate gesture.
Emotion took over against his will. It was me.
He said suddenly. If you'd picked anyone else, you wouldn't be in this mess. My life is fucked, it always has been. You bet on the wrong horse.
The words were harsh and fast and raw. It was partially a symptom of his lingering mental illness, and partially his own very old anxiety about her being far too good for him.
The words were like knives in her heart—like his pain was also her pain. She couldn't disagree more with his admission. Worse was the fear that he would continue to think he was bad for her and leave her, like he was protecting her from himself. Stop it,
she said softly. She had spewed her negativity and now he thought he was to blame for how unhappy she was. My unhappiness has nothing to do with you, Taikon,
she told him, her soft gaze searching for his. You are the only source of happiness in my life. I will never regret my decision to choose you.
How could she make him see that?
Whether they were stopped or walking, she turned into him and nuzzled under his chin. Whatever happens, I want to figure it out with you. Not any other way.
He looked away. She did chastise him, but he feared that he was right. He feared that he had made her miserable. He had long been cursed to oblivion. The Prince of Nothing, out to set fire to the lives of any that came into contact with him. Cella was dead. Aphrodite was dead. Juniper was probably dead. Lunaria was almost definitely dead.
It was maddening.
He should have felt humbled somehow, but he didn't. He was no source of happiness. If she was depending on him for the ray of sunlight she needed, she was looking in the wrong fucking place. But she had decided, and Takiyok decided what Takiyok be.
He had kept walking. In fact, his pace had quickened. Something like fear or anger or insanity clung to his steps. As she nuzzled him, he slowed for a moment, breathless. I don't understand why. But I probably don't need to.
She had her reasons, he was sure. He probably wouldn't agree with any of them. Is there anything I can do? To.. help with...
He broke off. He wanted to be able to help somehow to start up her heat. He didn't know how these things worked. As much as he knew about other species and their breeding cycles and all of that crap, he knew almost nothing about women and what their bodies did.