@Phox was the center of his world for now, but there was a lot peregrine had yet to learn about him. so many things he was too scared to learn. he wasn't scared anymore, but he wasn't sure how to start, and that seems to have held him back almost as much.
he has to start somewhere, though. sometime. why not now, while he has phox to himself? so he sought the man out, and when he found him, he wasted no time in launching into his inquiry.
hi. i was thinking... i wanna know more about you. about... mom.
it felt strange, still, to think of a woman he'd never met as his mother. a woman he would never meet. but phox had known her, and presumably had loved her, so maybe peregrine could find some connection in that.
written by kairos
Niamh was such a complicated memory. So much of their time together had been good, pleasant, and rewarding. But the times that hadn’t been good were particularly intense, and they stood out like bloodshed on freshly fallen snow. To hear Perry ask about her was… something. Phox had expected it eventually, just as he had with Fig and Fenn. They had never asked too much though, and Camilla was more difficult to explain anyway.
She was a fierce woman with a lot of opinions, but I loved her. She loved me.
At least Phox liked to think so. She loved her children as any mother would, but with an extra flair for the dramatic.
Phox smiled, remembering all the times she had butted heads with Nellie and Alyx in particular. Those spats seemed insignificant now.
And me? Well, I don’t know. I’ve always loved my kids, but I tried to give you all freedom, too. That’s what I always wanted as a kid. Freedom to make my own choices.
Phox let that settle on his son’s ears, awaiting the follow up questions that were sure to come.
a fierce woman with a lot of opinions. peregrine thought of vesper, then, and wondered what she would have thought of that. he wondered if she would recognize herself in the words, as he saw her in them. he wished, not for the first time, that she had come with him.
but phox had given her the freedom to choose, and she had chosen to leave. why did she leave?
he asked suddenly, uncertain now whether it was his late mother he was thinking of, or his sister. it didn't matter much either way. they were both gone.
Niamh?
Phox half-asked, trying to remember. She didn’t like the way I made an impossible decision. She wanted me to choose between her and my sister—your aunt—Towhee. I couldn’t choose, so I let random fate decide.
Looking back, he still didn’t know if that was the right or wrong choice. He had gone after her in the end, but he’d found nothing except for Yuelong. Eventually, his children. She had run off with them, and he had thought them lost, or worse.
Whatever resentment he’d had toward his late wife was long gone. Now he only had questions that couldn’t be answered. Much like his son.
the boy frowned, mulling over his father's answer to his question for several moments. the way he described it reminded peregrine of what had felt like an impossible decision of his own, and the pressure he'd felt to make it, although the two situations had many differences. still, peregrine knew what it felt like to see two paths ahead and an impossible choice to make.
the difference was, he had actually gotten to make his choice. he'd chosen the truth. he'd chosen phox. but it seemed his mother, niamh, had made the decision for all of them when she'd left before peregrine's birth. it was terribly unfair, he thought. but at least they were here now. they were together. except...
do you think... everything is messed up forever now? because she left?
would things always feel so raw and awkward for peregrine? would his relationship with phox ever be anything like the way things had been with maegi and mou before their lie was revealed? those were questions he couldn't make himself ask, though, so he settled for what he could say.
If there's one thing I've learned in all my years on this plane of existence, it's that nothing is really forever. I thought Niamh and I were forever. I thought Towhee and I were forever. And I do think we'll find Towhee again, but... we might not.
Phox hated that possibility, but he was trying to balance realistic expectations with hope. He had thought he would find Prevost. And he didn't even know where Vesper was now. Likely with Mou and Maegi.
All we can do is make the best of what we have. And right now, we've got each other.
For as horrible as the last year had been, Phox was incredibly grateful to have Peregrine with them. He knew the boy was still coming to terms with his early life, but Phox was glad that they were able to spend time together and learn about one another. The circumstances that led them here had been less than ideal, but they were what they were.