the sun has been absent for a few hours now, and the light rain that gently falls from the sky does little to stop shikoba from seeking out the matriarch of moonglow. as her cramps and mood swings become more docile, she wonders if she is coming close to her denning day. though, the woman cannot be too sure, as this is her first time stepping up to fill in the role of
anaa.
the woman has left the warmth of her
ulaq and her husband, loving whispers exchanged as she parts to search for her answers. now, she stands at the opening of moon woman's own home, chuffing to see if she would be willing to see her at such late hours.
kukutux answered back. "come in, sister."
inside shikoba would find the warmth of skins to sit and be offered dried meat by moonwoman. her eyes fell gently to the other's sides, which mirrored her own. "it will soon be your time and mine as well," kukutux said warmly. "i welcome you as anaa. there are no others things like this."
she chewed thoughtfully. "are you having fear inside you, sivullik?"
kukutux reads her as if the woman was an open book, but perhaps truly that is the embodiment of the honest sivullik. there was no reason to be secretive to the matriarch when she seems to know her like the back of her hand. as she takes her place near the pale duck, shikoba slowly nods her head.
"shikoba scared, kukutux." her voice is somber, quiet– almost heartbroken in a way. so afraid that she will not live up to the expectations of her, so afraid that she will be a bad wife and mother, so afraid that she will not be able to provide for moonglow.
fear is a feeling the woman used to never experience, yet each night it slowly eats away at her bones, solidifying itself into her ribcage and penetrating her heart. every breath is an uneven pulse. she does not think to touch the meat she hasn't helped gather herself.
"not know what to expect. and shikoba afraid about being... bad mother." while her upbringing had several moments of peace, shikoba wonders if she would even fall close to being like her own maternal guide, or if she would fall behind and make too many mistakes. "shikoba not enough." god, how she felt so weak in this moment, she hated it. but the desire to be honest overwhelmed her.
shikoba admitted her fears. kukutux nodded with a mother's understanding. she touched the sivullik softly, seeking to hold some of the trepidation which plagued her sister.
"you are enough, shikoba." moonwoman kept her voice gentle yet firm. "you are sister to all. you are firsthunter in this village."
"right now you have the worry that you will not be a good anaa. i tell you that this means you will. your heart has caring now and your children are still inside you." she pressed her shoulder to that of shikoba.
her mouth quirked with a quick smile. "you are already mother, for you have the worry of one."
she is quick to offer a small rebuttal to the concerns of the native, though her words serve more as reassurance. in the end, shikoba has always viewed kukutux as right at the end of things. there is a sense of great wisdom in the woman, despite her lack of years upon her back that shikoba has acquired.
the woman breathes in deeply for a moment.
"shikoba thinks inutsuk has fear," she says softly to kukutux, "inutsuk won't name one. he's quiet about past." while shikoba would like to leave things left unsaid between her and her husband, she can't help but search for advice when she is with the duck. considering the fact that the matriarch has spoken to the man plenty of times, perhaps she would know more of this.
"shikoba try to talk to inutsuk, but it just makes inutsuk upset. does sun man keep secrets from kukutux about his past?"
poor shikoba is still unaware of how personal of questions she tends to ask. not to mention she is still learning that each marriage is a tad different from others. kukutux would have to forgive her ignorance.
inutsuk carried fear. moonwoman nodded sagely. she did not speak until shikoba had finished. and then she touched the woman's paw with her own. "sun man does not hold from me. but sun man i have had the knowing of for many years. sialuk still grew inside me when we made our first meeting."
"inutsuk has the worry he will not be a good father. he does not speak of what came before. he took a new name. he has the want for a new path. i have told him the way to sacrifice, so that the spirits know him as one of our own. and i have told him that the village will also teach him what it means to be taataa."
shikoba often feels the need to always be validated for her feelings when it comes to speaking with kukutux, and for a moment, she does instill a sense of being heard within the native. however, the feeling soon turns from relief into guilt as the duck comes full circle to best explain the situation to shikoba.
it is not out of rudeness that inutsuk holds himself from her. while shikoba has known this deep within her heart, perhaps she has convinced herself it is because inutsuk does not trust her. with talk of his name, his new name given to him by the spirits that walk Moonglow, shikoba feels her ears droop.
he had come for a new name, he had every right to shed the skin of his last life before entering this realm with shikoba. feeling in the wrong is not a common feeling for shikoba and she hates every minute of it. a deep breath and a nod. once again, the matriarch of Moonglow is correct, now shikoba will have to apologize for her constant pushing.
"shikoba... needs to say sorry to inutsuk then," she reflects for a moment, looking to see if kukutux would approve of such an action, "and tell inutsuk to not be afraid." she was afraid of her own process of motherhood, but what about the man who is meant to be beside her every step of the way? she was selfish to think just of herself.
she shook her head. "not sorry. you did not do wrong. say —" she thought for a moment.
"hunters hold many things inside themselves. it is not good. these are sharp things and they hurt the man to carry. tell him you are his wife. tell him that when he has prepared to speak, your ears will hear."
there were many ways to be a mother. there were more to be a wife.
"i think that he will do the same for you. he has the wish to be a good husband."
as she spoke, kukutux realized it was her own anaa who brought words to her mind now. "if inutsuk has much fear, he will not say his words for many moons." she held shikoba's eyes. "but he will say them."
fade here? <3 so sorry about late responses, I've been out of my home country so the wifi/service had been reaaaaaally spotty ;-;
patience often felt to be elusive to shikoba, but with the moonwoman by her side, she would force herself to remain content with her words. not everything could always remain out and in the open and vulnerable, it was time for her to learn and digest this lesson.
for however long she must wait, she will. she must hold hope that in the end, her patience will be rewarded. but perhaps this is not a game of win or lose or reward and consequence, this was something greater.
a subtle nod of the head.
"shikoba will do just that." a once weary expression that hung on her face is soon replaced slowly with one of relief and thanks.
"shikoba not know what to do without kukutux, so thankful." a low swing of her plume as she looks towards the younger woman with a smile.
"shikoba excited to share anaa with kukutux." hopefully this would be something to bring the two of them even closer. but for now, shikoba would soon end up searching for inutsuk and hoping to sit him down for a talk when he is able to.
yes we can fade, and dont worry at all!! IRL stuff happens <333
"moonglow would not be the way that it is without you, shikoba," moonwoman said solemnly, reaching to embrace the firsthunter with a sisterly love.
she had long been among them. she had long helped to build this place among the stone spines and rock teeth and wild forests.
"my heart feels happy for this too," she exclaimed. the duck grinned.
she would offer food again, and when the time came for shikoba to return to her hearth, kukutux would walk with her in song and in joy.