In all the time that their children were missing, her promise had been the only thing to keep her fettered to the cliffs. She would not break it... but the children were coming. Erzulie could not hunt and, just as she had last year, Rosalyn felt the driving need to do her part. She stalked the borders endlessly, particularly those of the Sound, and brought back what prey she could find. On the rare occasion, like today, a trail took her into the neighboring lands. Never far.
Rosalyn picked up the stoat she'd just brought down and began to move slowly back towards the cliffs. Nothing had been simple these past few weeks and, while Erzulie made appearances that all was fine, Rosalyn could not shake her worry. Knowing that a good part of the stress was her doing, intentional or no, did nothing to help. Even last year she hadn't felt this.
The sky was darkening. She should get home, but she allowed her steps to slow even further, drinking in the quiet.
While Rosalyn slowed in the plains, Sobo picked up speed the further he got from Sapphique's borders. Sometimes he just needed to get away. Things were not settled between Njord and him and it made being home feel oh so heavy. More and more, Sobo convinced himself that he did not need his da. That he had never needed him. That life would have been better lived in ignorance, like all his older siblings before him.
No matter how he tried to convince himself, it did not make it easier for him to swallow. He looked up to Njord so much, but it felt like the man only looked past him.
So he wandered away from Sapphique more and more often, hoping to silence his thoughts. He did so alone most of the time, but did not seek solitude; when he spotted Rosalyn ahead with prey in her jaws, he made a beeline for his mother. He was a little hungry, and the smell of blood made his belly rumble, but he knew that stoat was not for him. No one had really talked about it, but intrinsically they all knew Erzulie was with child.
Mamá,
he greeted, circling around to face the cliffs once more as be sidled up beside her. De puppies be comin' soon, yeah?
Rosalyn's role in the pack had shifted from leader to observer in many ways. The pressures of taking care of Erzulie were ones she was happy to take on, but outside of that, she had little responsibility. She had taken to watching and had noticed Sobo's scarcity, though she didn't know the reason for it. It worried her; of all of their children, he had felt the most closely tied, the least likely to wish to wander far.
Aye. Hopefully your maman can keep still for long enough to let them,
Rosalyn said, a bit of loving humor behind the statement. Erzulie had an iron and blaze within her that the pirate loved, but she could be stubborn as well when it came to limits. After so many litters, however, both she and Rosalyn knew what could happen. While she joked, she knew her wife wasn't careless.
You've been busy.
She remarked, carefully neutral. Then, with an inviting look... Do you want to talk about it?
When she bent to pick up the kill once more, her jaws would be occupied, but they could make some progress back while she listened if he did.
Perhaps there was nothing to speak about and he was simply exploring his boundaries, more interested in the surrounding lands than Rosalyn had first thought. It wasn't out of the realm of the possible that he could have changed as he grew up, but if so, when had it happened? How hadn't she noticed?
He lifted his lips in a humoured smile, but had nothing to say about Erzulie. He knew his manman would take great care, as she always had with him and his siblings, and presumably all those who came before. Childbirth and rearing were not subjects with which Sobo was familiar, and he was loath to joke about something that was so personal and integral to women when he was only a man.
Her next words put a chill through him. Had he been so transparent? Sobo tried to keep his grumpiness to himself, wearing it loudly only when in the presence of those who had engendered it, but Rosalyn was more observant than he thought. He sighed lightly.
Dere be not'ing much to talk about,
he said, and knew she would see right through his lie. It was heavy in his tone and stretched far further than just Njord and Meerkat. For a long time, Sobo had felt unseen. Not by his mothers, of course — they were incredible — but it was only another tick on a list of little ways in which Sobo and his feelings had been cast to the side. She would see through it, and Sobo did not know how to talk about it without seeming like a petulant child.
Like a whinging man, he thought. That was how she might see it, and he did not want that.
His answer was an obvious dodge. Today was, for her, a good day - despite her troubles, her mind was clear. Her eye was sharp as it took him in with a glance, but she rolled her shoulders with a slight shrug in response.
Then it's fortunate we have a walk with nothing else to do. Nothing is the perfect way to fill it.
A second try. She wouldn't pull it out of him, but she would minimize it alongside him to coax it forward. Clearly she was onto something - something was driving him to frequent absence.
Whatever it was, it was unlikely she'd be as fond of it as she was of his presence.
That should be that, then.
Only Sobo wasn't very good at keeping his feelings to himself. Oh, sure, he was a young man and young men had a tendency to hide all their feelings because they thought it made them look tough. He did that sometimes, especially with Loko, since his brother sometimes teased him. He was first and foremost a young man of Sapphique, though, and raised to be unashamed of these things.
What he was most worried about wasn't that Rosalyn would judge him for having these feelings, but that she would call out the irrationality of them and not side with him when he desperately just needed someone to see him.
He wouldn't say it outright, but after a long silence that felt heavy and awkward to him even when it wasn't, he asked, why did ya an' manman choose ta let da Njord be da when all de ot'ers had no da?
He knew part of the answer was that Njord was loyal and deserved it, but he felt rather like his father had squandered it. What he wanted to know in truth was why they had not stuck to the formula that clearly worked in the past, but he didn't know how to phrase it like that. Either way, it was clear from his tone that he was hung up on something involving Njord.
The question came from nowhere, and it did surprise Rosalyn enough to make her wonder why he had asked it. She wasn't savvy enough to immediately make the connection between Meerkat's new status and Sobo's frustration, but she could recognize that perhaps the man was the target of Sobo's ire. She was amused by the thought more than anything else, though a warning flickered in the back of her mind. Heaven help the man if he'd done something serious to earn it.
We allowed it of all of them, after the first. Njord was the only one who chose to take the offer. The rest left.
She snorted unkindly. Most fathers are disappointments. They don't see the chance for what it is.
Rosalyn hoped silently that Sobo would be different, if that day ever came for him. It had been so good to see Reyes with the children he had brought, the family he was creating. But she did not say this outright, and instead waited to see if this answer would satisfy him.
Funny that the only man who had chosen to take the offer had proven to be the biggest disappointment of all. Sobo didn't think it was possible to be disappointed in a man he had never met, but Njord... He had his father on a pedestal. He still did, even now, but by the day it became more and more clear to him that Njord did not feel the same way about him. He had a new family now, and his consolation prize sons and daughters were no more important to him than any other packmate. He had spared next to no time for them since the moment Meerkat arrived, not even enough time to introduce her himself.
Dey are disappointments,
he agreed, his voice growing more scathing at the end than he intended. He flattened his dark ears down for a moment and continued on in silence. He could never be the kind of father that Njord was proving to be, the kind who proceeded blindly through life without a care for those who looked up to him. Never. It was a vow to himself and any child he ever sired. De ot'ers be lucky. Better to have no da.
Ah, so Njord had done something. Normally Rosalyn would not pry, but this was deep enough to have drawn Sobo away from his family and, in some ways, his home. She could not let that pass without trying.
It's possible. There aren't many in this family who have had one.
She replied, knowing that if she defended him, Sobo would likely shut her out. She had no desire to in any event. She liked that she and Erzulie no longer closed the door to the fathers of their litters, but that did not mean she was entirely sold on their merits.
He has been a disappointment, then.
It wasn't a question, but she did add an inquiring look. She was hoping he would elaborate.
It was all the invitation Sobo needed, even though he still worried he would be reprimanded once he shared.
I looked up to him, mamá,
he said, frowning at the ground as they walked. He be a man in Sapphique, but respected. I looked up to him, but he has so little regard, he does not even introduce his bride to us.
Njord had done the bare minimum of getting permission from the leaders to court Meerkat and bring her home, but his efforts stopped there. It was like his former children did not exist to him. That was how Sobo saw it, anyway.
A da should care more dan dat,
he opined. In a way, it was unfair to Meerkat as well. Njord hadn’t made any effort to prepare his children for how she would change their relationship with their da. That she had been received pretty well by everyone but him was lucky.
He is a man in Sapphique, but respected. This sentence, of all of them, struck her the most. She allowed Sobo to finish and found that she agreed with the overall sentiment, though she still ruminated over the first bit foremost.
You are right. And you would be right to tell him that, if you felt you wanted to.
She wouldn't deny her son the chance to speak his mind when he felt wronged by his father. She doubted Njord even realized that his children felt forgotten, and Rosalyn was curious to see what that revelation would bring about.
But the first part.
He is a man of Sapphique, and so are you. But I will tell you a secret. I would trust you over him, with anything, at any time.
Rosalyn didn't like thinking that Sobo felt he was not respected. He did not need a father to aspire to when he was, on his own, more than enough in her eyes. And a part of the reason she had always mistrusted the fathers was that she felt their influence sullied their sons, drew their minds away from the lessons she and Erzulie could impart. Men did not have the fortitude that women did.
What she said was not truly a secret, but she felt it was something Sobo perhaps needed as one. Something he could hold, perhaps, to draw him closer to Sapphique and further from whatever hurt led him to avoid them.
Rosalyn's suggestion that he talk to Njord about it was easier said than done. For one thing, Sobo was avoiding Njord. He felt down enough that having to be anywhere near the man while he beamed ear to ear would be too much for Sobo to handle. For another, he was not in any place mentally to be lectured about how wrong he was by anyone, least of all his father, which he felt was certain to happen. He couldn't stomach any of it and doubted very much that Njord would just lie down and take it.
His first instinct was to ask why Rosalyn would trust him more, but he didn't. T'anks, mamá,
is what he said instead, silently tamping down his uncertainty. Rosalyn would not lie to his face. If she said she would trust him more with something than Njord, she meant it. Besides, it felt good to just accept it at face value. It wasn't often he felt seen for his own merits — a lot of the time, he felt his only worth was in being Rosalyn and Erzulie's son, or Njord's son, in Meerkat's case — and while this barely counted, it was something.
Dere be a place down de coast a ways dat has cliffs like dis on de sides, but not so big as ours. A large bay wit' lots of grass an' a big forest,
he said, changing the subject to his recent travels. Have you been dere?
He agreed and seemed to accept what she said, at least in part, so she decided to leave it be. Rosalyn didn't want to press the issue too much, though she wondered how much of his 'thanks' was simply meant to change the subject.
He distracted her wholly by asking about a location however. The word 'bay' struck familiarly and she remembered a sort of place, but it swirled uncertainly with the towering cliffs of the sound. They weren't the same, but for a moment, she couldn't remember which was which.
I'm sure I have. We lived in a place with lots of grass once, for a time.
The memory struck her suddenly, but she didn't recall why. How far down the coast?
Quite far,
Sobo admitted, trying to remember how far he had traveled to reach the bay a few days, I t'ink? Dere be some mountains around dere.
His memory was fond, helped in part by Chacal's presence, and he felt it lifting the corners of his lip in a small smile. He should like to visit again sometime soon.
It was a nice place,
he reminisced. De cliffs cupped de sea in and de water was calm dere. A good place for t'inking, I would say.
The only thing it lacked was his family — they would always come first for him. The ones who treated him like he was part of them, at least.
A good place for thinking. It sounded somehow familiar but she still couldn't place it. The territories they'd claimed and passed through blended together now, some indistinct landscape that always seemed to include the ocean.
It sounds beautiful.
He seemed taken with the idea of it and she wondered, not for the first time, if Sobo might be the first of this year's children to leave them. If you had asked her before she would have guessed his brother instead.
She recalled her conversation with Erzulie, about giving roles and responsibilities. I used to scout the shoreline and the places inland. Even if we don't want much to do with them, it's good to know who is around. If you enjoy the travel, you could find out.
He was learning things with Erzulie, but that did not mean he couldn't do the other. Especially if he still felt he needed the space.
The silence that cloaked Sobo then was pensive. He had never considered a role outside Sapphique. This was his home, and he wanted to serve it, even if lately, he felt like an outsider in his own skin. It would give him time away from Sapphique and Njord and everything that bothered him here.
He couldn't help wondering if it was just another hint that his time in Sapphique had an expiration date.
Yeah, maybe,
he agreed, shoving away the most uncharitable of his anxieties. Dere be lots to see out dere, mm?
He strode alongside her for a short while longer, then decided he needed some time to himself to think over her suggestion. I t'ink I go pick some flowers for maman,
he announced, pausing to give Rosalyn an affectionate nudge to the shoulder and a gentle lick on the cheek before peeling away to visit the flower fields within their borders.
Rosalyn watched him go with matching affection, though her worries now encompassed him too in part. She always seemed to miss the signs. Yet now that the hints were there, was there anything she could do? Their children were their own now and old enough to choose. She could not stop him if he chose to wander further and further from them.
Preoccupied, Rosalyn continued to pace the borders a while after.