whenever you have time is fine <3
Nearly as soon as Eljay had given her the news, Maia began to seek out
@Teya. She wanted to catch her unoccupied, but that was quite the task considering they were the two mothers in this situation. Eljay seemed happy to spend more time with the kids, however, so while he kept an eye on the lot Maia went for a short walk along the river. If she didn't find Teya in her usual fishing places then she'd search the borders next.
She was quietly thoughtful as she looked. It had been a while since she and the other Raven had spoken alone or in depth. Maia still found her hard to read, something that made this conversation nerve-wracking at best, but she was determined. They were friends, right? And, more important, they were Ravens. They needed to make sure there weren't any issues when Eljay stepped down.
Maia nibbled her cheek nervously, but kept looking, convincing herself in an internal mantra that it wasn't a big deal and that Teya would be fine with it. The fact that this was probably true somehow didn't help much, but it was better than the alternative.
maia found teya a little melancholy, but none the worse for wear. she was scaling and stacking trout, and looked up with a grin toward the other raven.
"hello, maia." the pending packmeet and subsequent choice was weighing on her a little as well, but she had no ill will toward the woman. in fact, she had become quite fond of maia as a packmate and fellow mother.
so she waited for her co-leader to speak, eyes attentive.
Maia was likely too distracted to notice Teya's mood, though she was glad to find her occupied and seemingly alone. Hi.
She ventured forward, looking at the fish, then back to Teya.
Eljay talked to me, about stepping down.
She didn't want to dwell on that, and skipped quickly over to what she actually wanted to talk about. Teya was likely the perfect person to speak through those fears with, but Maia still couldn't get past the feeling that if she ignored them long enough, they'd cease to exist entirely. Everything would be fine.
I just... I wanted to know if it was something you wanted. Being Auspex.
Maia searched her expression when she asked, hoping to find honesty in whatever answer she got.
teya should have known. she was not caught off-guard, only sad for a moment. "i want pack to decide if i be auspex, or if you be. i not need to have it." she meant this. in another life maybe she would have been ambitious.
but not in this one. now she only wanted to serve brecheliant and raise sorana. fuck the rest.
of course, teya did not say this aloud at all.
"how you feeling about it all?"
I not need to have it. But that meant she wanted it. Maia nodded with understanding, even as she felt the acceptance and disappointment already settling over her.
Maia wasn't even sure, herself, why she wanted the role the way she did. It had to be for selfish reasons, right? She hardly deserved it, had barely led, and had been a complete mess for most of the time she'd been a leader so far. Teya didn't need to have it but she definitely deserved to. Way more than Maia ever could.
Same. I just didn't want to vote for you if you didn't want it.
Maia looked at her with a smile. It was bound to be awkward but she did feel better, knowing. Now she wouldn't get her hopes up needlessly. It should be the pack's choice, but I guess it should be ours too. If we want it or not.
She thought of Wraen again, then. Her sister had never liked leadership much after leaving the Firebirds and had refused to take it here, proposing her as Raven instead. It made her wonder, a bit, why she didn't hate it more. Maybe she just didn't see what Wraen had. Or maybe Brecheliant was just a different sort of pack than the others had been.
teya had already planned to vote for maia. so why did the conversation feel so awkward? "yes," she said after a beat, glancing down for a moment. and the other raven had said she felt the same, but — everything seemed off.
she did not like it. teya chose to be direct about this. "it feels weird, eljay coming down." there. it was out. "always been that way. not ready to choose."
her laugh was breathless and empty; she blinked away and took a long sigh.
Yeah.
Maia looked down uncertainly. She didn't want to say it, or share her fears, or make anyone else feel freaked out over nothing. She also didn't want them to think she was being overly emotional, or unreasonable, about it.
Still. Maybe...
Has... has he talked to you? At all? About maybe, not feeling well?
She just wanted to know. If he talked to anyone, Maia felt it would be Teya.
teya shook her head and preened her forelimb briefly. and then she looked closely at maia. "are you worried about something?" was he sick? but it didn't seem like maia knew that. the raven frowned; she drew closer and set their shoulders together.
"say anything to me, maia," teya said softly, her face a puzzle of worry.
Nice job, Maia. You worried her now too.. She shouldn't have said anything. Explaining it was going to sound so dumb, and so paranoid, and what if Teya told Eljay?!
Maia nearly let that worry shut her down completely. The part of her that couldn't bear anyone knowing warred with the part that needed to talk to someone. Times like these, she'd always gone to her sister. Now there were never times she missed her more.
It's stupid. It's just... when Wraen stepped down, that's when it started.
She couldn't look at Teya. It felt like, after that, we never had enough time.
So many others had been gone so suddenly too. It was hard to think about. She didn't know what she would do without Eljay. That familiar panic began to build in her chest and she fought to keep it down, swallowing thickly.
teya nodded quickly; maia was right. she had said it just in the way that the violet felt too. her brow furrowed; her throat hurt. she didn't want to cry. "i think — sometimes i want to go back to fen. but also — it hard. because she there."
and it felt like her healing hadn't come till she left.
teya scuffed at the ground.
"i sorry, maia. i should have been there. for you. i wasn't."
Maia hadn't meant to dredge up those memories but she should have known better, mentioning Wraen. Her mind was so focused on the worry and the parallels that she hadn't even considered Teya might take something else from her statement.
I'm sorry. I didn't... you were fine. I barely knew anyone then, and it was so easy to hide when I had the kids to care for.
Her ears went back slightly with concern. Teya hadn't done anything wrong. Maia felt like she was the one who'd spent months isolated, letting her grief overwhelm her. She didn't blame herself for it too badly, though, considering it had been one of the worst times in her life this far. There were worse ways she could have handled it.
I miss it. I think moving was good for me too, but the forests here just...
she trailed off in her confession, then shook her head and smiled. Everyone was happy here, and there were probably others like Teya who saw ghosts in the fen. Eljay was home here and he was Maia's home. Anyway. I think I understand.
She might not feel the same way but she had once before. Her parents' old forest, the place where they'd died, wasn't a place she ever intended to see again.
sooo sorry for the wait on this, do u want to fade it? they'll need a new one <3
teya let out her breath, bobbing her head. boy, did she understand that now. and it was because of the isolation that they had both shared that she felt worse for a second, knowing that maia had been suffering in the ways she was and neither of them could talk to each other.
she nodded again about the caldera. both places felt odd in a way. "i like seeing you happy. i think eljya so good for you," she said, perhaps a bit in a rush.
"i miss fen too."
at length she lifted her head and squared her shoulders and cleared her throat. "i think i want to eat now," she said with a little laugh, glancing at maia with soft wet eyes.
new one sounds perfect!
Maia couldn't agree more.
He really is.
He was perfect in more ways than she could ever describe, faults and all. She couldn't imagine a life where she didn't have him in it.
Let's go find something. I'm getting hungry myself!
Maia laughed, then reached out and touched Teya one more time gently.
Thanks, Teya. I'm glad we're friends.
She felt the words deeply, and the gratitude was plain on her face. She hadn't had many friends who stuck around over the years, and having someone outside of her mate to share these things with was really nice. She hoped that Teya felt the same, and that she could return a bit of the favor someday.