in the afternoon, germanicus detached himself from his duties. he had sent aquilius and valiria on to certain tasks.
now he went to visit
@Towhee.
the eagle waited on her doorstep and cleared his throat to announce himself.
She had good days. She had bad days. Today was one of the latter. Her wound itched fiercely, preventing Towhee from getting any sleep the night before. She was crabby as hell and made her mate and kids leave before she could take out her bad mood on them.
Of course, that was when the Imperator came calling, his familiar shadow darkening her doorstep. Grunting with the effort, Towhee climbed to her feet to step outside, eyeing him and sourly wondering if he was here to strip her of her title since she was little more than an invalid these days.
Imperator,
Towhee said, trying to keep the grumpiness out of her voice, though she had no way of knowing whether she succeeded.
she seemed upset but he could not fault her for it. "at ease, praefectus," he said, indicating that she should sit and at once. her recovery was vital to mereo.
"i came first to see how you are healing. and how you are acclimating to lady ruenna's absence."
the latter was difficult to say. it showed only in how he too chose to sit.
She bobbed her head when he instructed her to take a seat, carefully reclining on her haunches. Towhee felt a flare of itching deep inside her healing wound and had to tighten her muscles against the impulse to throw herself at the nearby wall to rub herself on its uneven surface. She already knew from experience that it would do more harm than good. There was no real relief from this and scratching only made it worse, not to mention the havoc it wrought on her mending flesh.
But it wasn’t the thought of rubbing herself raw on the stone the other day that made her wince. It was the mention of Ruenna. Towhee momentarily forgot all about the itching as an ache plunged through her like a javelin, tightening her throat, aching in her chest and making her stomach sink.
The itching is a bitch,
Towhee said a little crisply, but it has nothing on how much I miss…
Her friend’s name died on her lips as she glanced at Germanicus’s face, knowing he understood. I don’t blame her or anything. And I know she couldn’t help the timing. She held out as long as she could. I know that.
Her jaw clenched, tears pricking at her eyes as she exhaled, Still.
"i too find myself struggling," germanicus said with a cold evenness that he did not expect even from himself. and he had not meant to say it at all. it forced the man to realize that he had sought towhee out for the sole reason that she was the only mereoan who might understand, save for the children who had chosen to stay.
and even for them it was different.
"i am so proud of how she impacted mereo. but it means her warmth is starkly absent and starkly missed."
Her mouth pulled down on one side when he admitted he was struggling. To know Ruenna was to love her, even if you were someone like Towhee or Germanicus. She swallowed thickly and looked at the dusty floor, seeing some dried blood near the base of the wall from her ill-fated attempt to scratch her back.
It blows,
she said on another exhale, this one a bit gustier. It’ll get a bit easier as time goes on and we get used to her absence. But, yeah,
Towhee said lamely, once again reflecting on how that damn cat couldn’t have picked a worse time to mess with Mereo.
But one thing she wasn’t was sorry for what she’d done to protect the pack, namely members like Ruenna and all the youngsters. She sighed and rotated her neck, a distraction as she became aware of the itching again. Towhee hadn’t quite made the ultimate sacrifice, though she had come close. It wasn’t her first rodeo but as she noticed some stiffness in her shoulders, she wondered if it might be one of her last.
She didn’t dare bring that up unless Germanicus asked her about it first. Towhee still wasn’t sure he wouldn’t demote her before she could even wonder about the fate of her rank in Mereo. Her orange eyes found his face again, though she somehow doubted it was on his mind at all at the moment, not with Ruenna’s ghost currently sitting here with them.
the feel of her eyes upon him made germanicus gather himself quickly.
"i want to take an expedition outside mereo. for myself. i would like you to help me lead it when you are recovered. it will be us, the children, and another officer if necessary. i want to introduce them to at least one adjacent territory."
mereo had been shaped greatly by his wife. germanicus wished to carry this forward by allowing the young ones of the canyon to have a hand in their lessons.
Under the pressure of her gaze, his face changed shapes. The lines slackened and he assumed more of a familiar, detached sort of expression. Towhee noted this right before her eyes dropped to his lips.
Okay…
she replied slowly, her own face twisting a little. You do realize that might be a while, right? I haven’t even left this den yet.
Towhee gestured at the walls, the motions clipped with an edge of irritation that wasn’t directed at him. Drawing in a breath and setting her feet firmly on the ground, Towhee tried to smooth out the wrinkles on her own face.
I do like the idea of a field trip though, don’t get me wrong. Especially after being cooped up in here week after week.
"yes. i expect snow to be on the ground before we are ready to venture." he only felt compelled to line plans before them. much of his internal workings depended upon such organization.
he was not immune to her irritation. "when i was in editum and a much younger man, i walked into a trap set by the heathens across the river. we had fought for many years, long before i was born." he lifted his head, showing the praefectus a ring of ragged, old scars under the fur of his throat.
"i thought i would rather die than be laid abed for weeks, despite the closeness i came to death."
his lips did not move. "it felt as though death was easier confronted than living without a purpose." and he looked at her here now.
He shared a tale of his youth, even baring some scars on the underside of his throat. It reminded Towhee of all the marks on her own body, some of them more visible than others. How many times had she nearly lost her life? She’d lost count over the years.
Ain’t that a mood,
she replied a little sardonically, although her lips twitched. I’ve gone through so much shit in my life, I don’t even worry about it anymore. I know I’ll heal in time, then get right back on my feet… probably just in time for the rug to be pulled out from under them again.
She shrugged, glancing at the nearby doorway currently gilded by autumn sunlight, then back to Germanicus. Perhaps this was a good segue into discussing her future, now that the elephant had entered the room by way of the Imperator’s words.
Um, speaking of purposes,
Towhee said, swinging her gaze back to him. Before Aquene took the role of Matrona, I considered it, as you know. I still think about it sometimes. Especially now. You know what they say about those who can’t do: they teach,
she quipped. Though for the record, I like the thought of advising and guiding everyone, not just their crotch fruit.
She wondered if there was room for a second Matrona, especially now that Ruenna was not just retired but gone. Towhee didn’t want to risk insulting Aquene though, so she didn’t voice the thought. Anyway, it was time to let Germanicus get a word in edgewise.
towhee often said the things he thought or expressed a sensation in cruder and broader language than he knew. he appreciated the validation even if he could say nothing about it.
she was speaking of her future and of her considerations toward matrona. germanicus weighed the prafectus' talk of teaching.
and he wondered.
"towhee," the eagle said softly. "do you wish to retire into military mentorship?"
there was a word for this and it did not yet exist in their ranks.
but it could.
She was meandering a bit, though Germanicus caught her drift and drove right to the heart of the matter. Towhee huffed a laugh, which made her back muscles twinge uncomfortably. It turned into a grimace.
Maybe? I can definitely mentor guardians and warriors… but I have a lot more than just military experience too. I was a leader for years. I’ve been a mother nearly as long. There’s a lot of bullshit up here,
Towhee said, pointing at her temple, but I’d like to think a lot of wisdom too. I dunno. Does Mereo have any use for, like…
Grandmatrona? the dumb voice in her head suggested but Towhee did not dignify that absurdity by sharing it out loud.
germanicus nodded slowly.
"you have a wealth of great experience."
she was a patrician.
"tell me what thoughts you have upon a process in mereo," germanicus offered quietly. "you have acquainted yourself with them long enough."
Maybe Mereo didn’t need the skills she offered, though another thought jumped out at her. Wasn’t she more or less describing the mission statements of their outpost? Would she be better suited to relocating to Epoch? Towhee would’ve discarded the thought out of hand back before Ruenna left.
But Rue wasn’t here anymore, was she? Towhee frowned thoughtfully, nearly missing the Imperator’s statement. Even after she took a moment to parse his words, she didn’t quite understand what he meant. She stared at him rather stupidly for an entire minute.
I’m not sure I follow,
she eventually admitted, her annoyance returning with a flash, directed now at her brain fog. Which process?
and he did not know what he had meant.
a smile of apology squeezed along the corners of his gaze. "i am jumbled at the moment."
he straightened his spine "i will need to give your proposal some thought. in the interim, you should rest. we will revisit this again?" the imperator asked.
he was grateful for her solidarity. but now he wanted aloneness.
His response relieved some of the agitation lashing through her, though it was quickly replaced by unexpectedly ferocious concern. It wasn’t really like Germanicus to stumble like this. Towhee didn’t think any less of him for it, of course, and she understood why he might be off his game. But experiencing it did something weird to her heart.
Yeah, sure, let’s put a pin in it,
Towhee said, gaze weighing heavily on his face, but if you want to talk about that or literally anything else, don’t be afraid to stop by. I’m bored out of my gourd half the time and believe me, I know what it’s like to just sit around and miss the fuck out of Rue. Let’s do a little of that but not a lot, alright? Come by whenever,
she repeated before falling silent.
feel free to BTS that he did actually come back or we can thread it out! <33
"thank you. i will return tomorrow afternoon then."
it was an appointed time. he was suddenly beset by exhaustion and stood to his paws.
"it was good to speak," he said ineloquently, and then turned to set off.
but not for his den.