Wolf RPG

This morning, Meerkat arrived at a decision. She let @Njord know, then went and found @Sialuk to inform her (and catch up in general). It had been an honor to serve as councilor in the head’s absence, though after holding the position a few weeks, she decided she would rather maintain a regular rank rather than remain in leadership. She hoped nobody would be too disappointed by her decision, including herself. She thought she’d done well with that level of responsibility but Meerkat just didn’t feel up to it on a permanent basis.

She let out a breath as she moseyed around the mountain, searching for her parents. Perhaps, she thought, one of them might one day step up into Moonspear’s elder role. Either one of them would be a great candidate, though it was possible Meerkat was biased. She smiled at the thought, stashing it for some other time. Today, she just wanted to pay them a friendly visit.

Fennec wished again that Penn had invited her along on his little escapade because she was starting to go stir crazy, sulking around the Moonspear. She wanted to vent to someone but couldn’t think of anyone she could, not even for some fucking perspective. Penn hadn’t had jack shit to say and everyone else was family. This… kind of sucked, actually.

Was that all everyone in her life wanted? Would everyone just be happy with the same boring, watered down version Fig wanted? One that wasn’t even really her, just some stranger she pretended to be.

Fennec had worked herself into a proper funk by the time she crossed paths with Meerkat. Hey, she greeted her briefly, but her heart wasn’t really in it. If Meerkat was on a mission elsewhere she wouldn’t tag along necessarily. She could take her rainy disposition back to the borders for a nap if she needed to. Maybe she’d feel a little better after.

She found her older sister, who wasn’t an unwelcome sight. Meerkat smiled and waved her tail, then caught herself and snorted lightly. She moved closer to Fennec, offering a nudge right as Fen said, “Hey.”

So get this, Meerkat replied without preamble, someone finally asked me to lead… and it turns out it’s really not for me. I just came from stepping down.

She snorted again, head ducking. She wondered if Fen remembered her brief mention of this during their conversation weeks ago. They had talked about many other, more important things.

Anyway, she said on a light laugh, hiya! How are things with you today?

Oh, shit. Congrats, I think? Fennec immediately recalled their conversation too, and Meerkat seemed happy about the conclusion, even if it wasn’t what she’d expected right off the bat. It wasn’t the worst thing to realize about yourself, though Fennec’s own feelings on it were a little more complicated. She wasn’t suited but still, at the end of the day, wanted it.

As long as you’re good with it, at least. She added with a huff of her own laughter, then did it again dismissively. For me it’s same it has been. Family trouble I won’t drag you into, unless you want to hear it. It’s just a Fig thing I need to sort out. Meerkat was likely on good terms and while chatting wouldn’t necessarily jeopardize that, she wouldn’t drag her sister into drama unwilling. She just wanted a sounding board.

Meerkat snorted a third time at Fennec’s felicitations, nodding without thinking. She was content with her decision, even if she grappled with the fear of disappointing expectations.

Her head cocked when her sister mentioned family trouble. Fen sounded pretty dismissive, like maybe she didn’t want to talk about it. But Meerkat sensed that perhaps she might appreciate a sounding board.

I may not be a councilor anymore, she said, but I’m still a counselor. I’m happy to listen if you need to hash it out some. I’ll do my best to be objective.

Fennec didn’t necessarily know the difference between the two things said, but she appreciated the sentiment. Don’t worry if the answer is I’m just being an idiot. I just want honesty at this point. She replied with a small smile. It disappeared as she tried to find the words to put together around the whole Fig thing.

It isn’t that he didn’t stick around that bothers me. He just implied that part of the reason was something to do with me, and then when I asked what, told me he didn’t owe me any answers. Which sucks, because then I’m of course going to have to assume all of the answers myself, and usually that means assuming things are way worse than what the actual reasons are. I guess it feels like his feelings count for more than mine here.

She kept her tone conversationally casual, but her tail flicked with nervous energy behind her as she pieced together an explanation. It was harder than she thought to put a paw on exactly why she was upset, and even days later, she wasn’t sure she entirely understood it. This was at least the root of most of it. He doesn’t want to actually hear what I think or how I feel, not if it isn’t positive. So I don’t know how to talk to him, or really even be around him anymore. And trying to start any conversation like this feels pointless when he won’t tell me why me being myself bothers him so much. Her ears went back and she fell quiet, letting out a soft breath at the end.

It didn’t sound unreasonable, but her judgement was fucked, she already knew that. Maybe it was. Maybe she just sucked at communicating it. Either way, she hoped Meerkat could give her some of the perspective she clearly lacked. The alternative was just letting go of the idea of a relationship with her brother, and the thought of that cut pretty deeply, even after all this time.

Fennec requested honesty. Meerkat nodded yet again, then remembered herself and touched her sister’s shoulder in assent. She didn’t say anything, her silence inviting Fen to say what was on her mind.

Fig had decided not to stay at Moonspear, which probably wasn’t intended as a personal slight to any of the Redhawks living here. But he’d evidently left his litter mate with a cryptic implication to the contrary. Meerkat’s lips twisted into a thoughtful frown. Had he really done that or had Fennec perhaps misunderstood and taken an innocent statement the wrong way? Oh…

She sensed more to come and remained mum, Fennec’s nervous energy prompting her to shift her weight as the next bit of venting released like pressurized steam. Fen insisted Fig didn’t want to hear anything negative. Now Meerkat bit her lip, reminding herself that her sister didn’t want her to sugarcoat her feedback.

Meerkat didn’t want to jeopardize the bond they’d managed to form and foster, though she wondered if Fennec would be more likely to break it if she spoke frankly or if she didn’t. That was the thing with her older sister: sometimes, it was very difficult to word things in a way that wouldn’t backfire. Fen tended to take things the worst possible way sometimes.

Please don’t hate me for saying this, she prefaced, cringing a little, but sometimes it seems like you’re determined to take everything the wrong way. I don’t think you’re an idiot but I do think you’re pessimistic to an extreme sometimes. And that kind of cynicism can be hard to deal with or even just be around. You feel like you have to walk on eggshells all the time or just not say anything at all. Maybe Fig doesn’t have the bandwidth to deal with walking in your minefield. But I do, so I’ll be that asshole and say it to your face… but only because I care about you, Fen, and she’d asked for honesty.

She was ready for the feedback but she couldn’t help it… she actually laughed when Meerkat had gotten partway through it, and had to keep a lid on the laugh to hear the rest. Fucking hell. Seriously?

Sorry, just… tiptoeing around it drives me nuts. It’s way worse. I mean it when I say I want honesty, because otherwise how the fuck am I supposed to know how anyone feels? No offense, and thanks for really being honest. I actually really appreciate it. She huffed a final one, then regained her composure.

There’s only one part I have to argue with. I don’t take the things anyone says badly. It’s the things they don’t say. Maybe, if everyone stopped trying to dance around things for my own good, I could stop going crazy trying to read between the lines and actually get somewhere. She let out a breath, sitting down abruptly. Fat chance of that with Fig now, but it felt good to say it. She knew she hadn’t managed to come across well in her argument with her brother but here, with Meerkat, it was easier. When she had something to work with she could get to the root of her own issues too.

I know, though. That I can be a lot. With strangers ‘bitch’ was a title she wore with pride, but anyone she cared about… it was different. At least, she wanted it to be; but as long as they assumed, she knew there was nothing she could do.

Fennec laughed, which made Meerkat’s ears sweep back uncertainly. She could feel her heart pounding against her ribs, this exchange really making her anxious. But her sister thanked her for her honesty, leading the counselor to let out a whoosh of breath she’d been holding.

She braced herself again when Fen said the word “argue,” her ears pricking again to catch every word. She weighed them. Meerkat thought she could understand Fennec’s point of view, though she wondered if her sister really understand how much easier that was said than done.

That’s fair, Meerkat said slowly, but have you ever heard of giving anyone the benefit of the doubt? If you stop assuming the worst and take everyone at face value, it may make you seem more approachable… so that others may open up to you more. She paused. I think it’s just become a vicious cycle, where all you want is for everyone to be honest but there’s this precedent now where they’re so afraid of how you might react, they clam up or—what was it she’d said?—tiptoe around you.

She wasn’t entirely sure she was articulating herself well, though she hoped that made some kind of sense to Fennec. Her lips twitched into a nervous smile as she realized she was speaking about herself as much as anyone else. Her heart was still thudding against her breastbone out of fear that Fennec would take her words poorly. But it would’ve been more dangerous not to say these things, after all. It had been hard to spit out the ugly truth, though Meerkat was suddenly very glad she’d done it. The truth really will set you free.

You are a lot, she agreed with a huff of laughter and a slight touch of her nose to a pale shoulder, but it’s rewarding, getting to know you better. I know you probably won’t appreciate the metaphor or the sentimentality here… but you’re a tough nut to crack. And when you try to break through your shell, you risk cutting yourself on all the sharp pieces. But there’s something worthwhile in there: a friend who you can be damn sure will stab you in the front, never in the back.

Fennec understood what Meerkat was getting at, but she knew it wasn’t possible. This wasn’t something she could just fix in herself… she’d learned that the hard way a few times. I’ve tried. I did it for Bronco for years, and I kind of didn’t recognize myself by the end of it. And I even tried with Fig. But not saying the things I feel are important makes it unbearable to be around them. It’s not just something I want, it’s something I need. Maybe they could give me a little benefit too. At least enough to trust me.

She didn’t know how to not fill in the blanks, and every time she’d tried, she’d been proven right anyway. It turns out things went better when she didn’t draw things out and let it snowball into passive aggressive hell. It wasn’t like she was asking for all of their deep dark secrets… just honesty when it came to her. It felt like it should be fair.

At least she’d get it from Meerkat, and that made her feel marginally better about everything. Good and bad. I’ll take it. You’re right though. Only way I’ll ever stab anyone in the back is if I can’t find their front. She huffed a small laugh at her slight joke. The weight was still there, but it was manageable at least. Even if they didn’t fix this, she thought maybe she’d be fine, with time.

Thanks, Meerkat. On an impulse, she stood up again and stepped forward to pull her sister into a light hug.

Fennec appreciated the joke enough to run with it a little. Meerkat snorted, her cheeks aching a bit as she smiled. It really hadn’t been easy, forcing herself to speak hard truths, but Fen had clearly meant it when she’d asked for honesty and her responses were more than encouraging. Meerkat felt strangely liberated by the exchange.

You’re welcome, bitch, she whispered, tongue-in-cheek, returning Fen’s hug with a fierce little squeeze before pulling back with a laugh. Don’t worry, I won’t take this honesty thing too far, she quipped, but there really is merit to just… saying what you mean and meaning what you say. If everyone just knew how good it feels, they would stop talking around things.

Her voice trailed off into a thoughtful hum. Meerkat had been afraid of hurting Fennec’s feelings or damaging their relationship, despite her sister’s blatant request for honesty. Once more, she was reminded of how difficult it had been to overrule her own penchant for conflict avoidance and diplomacy. It was probably worth voicing some of that out loud for Fennec to consider.

It was hard, though, being honest with you even when you asked me directly. I was scared I’d hurt your feelings or you’d get upset with me, even if you insisted you wouldn’t. The risk was worth the reward, in the end, but the next time a loved one tiptoes around you, just know it’s probably with good intentions. Not always, she amended, frowning a little as she reflected on Fen’s mention of Bronco, but probably most of the time, it’s just misplaced care and concern for you. Almost definitely in Fig’s case, wouldn’t you think?

Take it far enough and you can be a bad-ass bitch like me. Fennec retorted, genuinely smiling as she pulled back. There was no way the full route was Meerkat’s style, but the affectionate insults nearly did more to put Fennec at ease than the entire conversation had.

There was a grain of truth to what Meerkat said, and Fennec made a begrudging sound of agreement in her throat. Maybe. Seeing it that way was alright, but it didn’t help as much as she might think. Consider it from where I am, though. Imagine trying your hardest to prove everyone wrong, and grow, only to be told no one trusts you to handle anything well. I get it’s for good reasons, but it gets a little old, being told there’s nothing you can do but understand and move on. She snorted. Holy fuck, do I wish I could. But for some reason shit like that eats at me. Not knowing what problems Fig has shouldn’t bother me as much as it does. Too bad I don’t have much say in it.

She could control how she handled that upset and she’d tried to, but the nagging reminders she’d just have to put up with until he came back someday and felt like sharing. She could assume his problem was similar to Meerkat’s, though, and that did actually help quite a bit. Maybe there was more to it, but if it was entirely his inability to talk to her, it made more sense that he’d called it a ‘him’ problem. Circular issues indeed.

Anyway, my issues aside… what made you decide leading wasn’t for you? Absolute power didn’t get to your head? They’d sorted what they could on her end, and now she was curious to hear more about Meerkat’s short stint on the helm.

Fennec asked her to consider it from her perspective. She nodded unthinkingly again and tried to put herself in her sister’s shoes. Vicious cycle, she thought again, clicking her tongue against the backs of her teeth. How could she help Fen break free from that? Had she helped just by speaking frankly today? She hoped so.

I hope you and Fig are able to open up the lines of communication, Meerkat said a little uselessly. If he was here, I’d tell him the truth would set him free, she added lightly, punctuating the joke with a huff of laughter.

Fennec nudged the limelight back to her a moment later. Her lips pulled into a smile at the joke, though her mouth soon fell into a more contemplative line. Meerkat had done a lot of introspection over the past few days in particular, going over this very thing with herself. The decision had been made, though maybe talking about it with someone else would validate it.

I just felt I was stretched too thin. I like to think I did a good job as a councilor and that it didn’t impact my role as a mother and wife… but I was constantly stressing about it. Constantly. I just felt like I had too many balls in the air. I don’t want to do anything that compromises my marriage or my daughters’ upbringing, so it’s not that it’s not for me ever… just definitely not right now. I know it’s usually the leaders who breed and such, so it’s a bit counter-intuitive…

She was gratified when Meerkat actually took a moment to think, rather than accusing her immediately of shifting the blame and the focus to her own perspective. It was something she’d struggled with through all of this; how was she selfish for wanting to be respected, but Fig wasn’t for denying her needs in favor of his own?

Echoes of Bronco again, encouraging her even more to drop the subject in favor of Meerkat’s answer. At least her sister didn’t seem to think she was completely out of line with all of this. It helped somewhat.

Fennec thought back to when she’d stepped down, but the two weren’t really comparable. She’d stepped down in part because she’d felt overwhelmed, but mostly because it had been hard to care about anything like that with things so rough in her relationship. Even after Bronco came back, there’d just been too much pain and distrust.

It’s a thankless job. You have to be able to care about all of it, otherwise they are probably better off with someone who will. I think it’s harder to do that when they aren’t your family. Like adopting kids who have lived years without you calling the shots, so why would they need you now? Fennec thought about that a moment, then huffed an amused breath. I just felt like the Caldera was easier than Mereo, despite quitting on mom. I get it, and I don’t think it’s that weird of a thing to feel.

Fennec spoke from experience, Meerkat realized. She mentioned the caldera and Mereo specifically, which really piqued the younger woman’s interest. Towhee had told her a little bit about the latter, though she couldn’t recall any particulars.

You quit on mom? I honestly don’t remember that, Meerkat said, a bit of an apology in her voice. What happened with Mereo? she added, then caught herself and said, We don’t have to get into any of this, if you’d rather not. We can always just go for another walk, talk about lighter things.

She did want to talk about it. So far the only one who had given her the opportunity was Towhee, and after Figment froze her out from sharing anything remotely unhappy that she’d been through, the invitation meant more.

I stepped up into leadership when I married Germanicus. We just both wanted children, I thought, and he was nice. Honest, at first, if a little serious. I started thinking it might even work. So I tried to help turn Mereo into a home that our kids would want to take part in. When spring came around, though, he left me for someone else, and the rest of the pack left with him. She hadn’t given them the opportunity to remain but they hadn’t fought for it either. They’d all split the instant they could.

He’d been in love with another wolf the whole time, and just been… I’m not even sure. It was all a lie, again. The hurt hadn’t left yet, even months later. It wasn’t crippling or the kind that brought tears, but there was a low anger that still burned over everything that happened. I was never really a leader to them either. If she had been, more would have cared and more would have stayed.

Her nose itched and Meerkat wriggled it, then rubbed at it with the back of her paw. Meanwhile, she listened as Fennec indulged her morbid curiosity, speaking of a marriage to Germanicus and all its ill-fated trappings.

Wasn’t he married to Rue? she questioned without thinking, then shook her head. Sorry, that’s not important. It sounds like the whole thing was a sham? I’m so sorry, Fen, that’s…

Well, there really weren’t words that properly encompassed the breadth of that situation. Meerkat wasn’t much of a swearer, though “fucked up” didn’t even really cover it anyway, did it?

I’m sorry you went through that. I understand a little better now, why you seem bitter sometimes, Meerkat said after a moment, touching apologetically at her sister’s shoulder. It sounds like you’ve been misled and let down by almost everyone close to you.

Everyone they knew had seen struggles. Just look at their parents, for instance. But Meerkat didn’t want to draw comparisons, just acknowledge Fen’s hardships in particular.

I promise I’ll try not to be one of them, she added after a moment, for whatever that’s worth.

Fennec’s ears twitched at the mention of Rue. She let out a breath, her small smile turning a little rueful itself. She should have known better, but somehow, she’d let herself hope anyway. For how bitter she often appeared, she could be stupid with optimism, and it had just been nice to have somebody relegated to her corner. Even if that someone had promised they couldn’t love her. I should have known when he started off by telling me he couldn’t love me. I figured it couldn’t get more honest than that, but I was wrong. There was miles of difference between not loving her and loving someone completely different. Someone she hadn’t even known existed until the end.

I don’t like being bitter. I know damn well it only ever comes with fear. Just tell me like it is, like you did, and we’ll be fine. Fennec stood, stretching to draw her own thoughts away from the vulnerable thoughts she’d just shared.

For a wolf who presented so many hard edges, she carried a shit ton of fear. And try as she might not to let it take control, sometimes she couldn’t keep it contained. When it lashed out it tended to make those fears a reality, and this thing with Fig felt like no exception.

Meerkat knew some marriages were more businesslike than others, though her ears swept backward when Fennec revealed the sentiment with which hers had begun. It really had been doomed from the start. She wondered why her sister had settled for that arrangement in the first place, though it probably had a lot to do with Bronco.

I will, Meerkat said, standing when Fennec did. If you want to walk with me a bit, I was gonna go find mom and dad. No particular reason. Just want to say ‘hi’ and catch up a bit.

It would be nice to have something lighter to focus on for a while. Sure. She had a little time before she went and found Killdeer again, and it was likely he'd be around his grandmother anyway. She could kill two birds by accompanying Meerkat.

Fennec let her sister lead the way and fell in alongside, slightly behind. How've the kids been? She hadn't asked yet, wanting to know more about her sister's current state specifically instead, but it would be a nice way to pass the trip there. Meerkat could fill her in on the sometimes mundane realities of family life and spill any gripes before they hit the main group.