Dwin did not really know, how to act around people right after the funeral, she had not even known, what to tell either Teya or her kids at the gathering, because "I am so sorry" felt worn-out and too simple, but then she was not eloquent with words enough to offer anything else.
Seeing Teya now she dreaded that they would be forced to talk and with both feeling miserable for two very different reasons, this was not an instance, when a conversation could help either of them in any way. Therefore she quietly acknowledged the other wolf's presence with a nod and then let silence settle between them.
Few rocks and splashes later, she turned to the down-trodden Raven and simply said: "Life's crap, isn't it?" A simple statement of a fact and truth.
Teya might have told Dwin this and it would not change a thing. Because, while this was the first time she was affected by a death of a person she had known personally, she also intuitively felt that there were so many ways at this point to make the little Raven and her kids feel worse than they did already. Because the path to feeling better eventually was theirs to make. Others could watch and feel sympathy, but not intervene.
"It is a cute story, of course," Dwin had to admit that under any other circumstances this would be a great way to introduce kids to the topics about mortality. "But it does not help, if she is or will be going around telling you or your kids that this belief is the reason, why you should stop mourning," she went on, thinking that - perhaps - she was not the only one, who had thought at one point that Frolic and Seal were at least indirectly responsible for, what had happened to Bronco.
"I fear that she - them - might get blamed for, what took place," she said. "And even with only that damn cat to blame - her making other people's sorrow irrelevant because of her own childish convictions, that's a definite road to hell," she finished. "I don't know, how to approach her about this, because Frolic is bad at listening to anyone."
"Nah, we are not," Dwin shook her head, finding it funny that Teya would even think that. To be honest, she was not particularly close with any of her younger siblings. "I can't stand her - she brings out the worst in me," she explained with a shrug. "It may be because we are so much alike that having two stubborn and reckless fools in the same house is a bit too much," that was the conclusion that she had come up with to explain at least a bit of her complicated feelings towards the girl.
"Teya - sorry, being a leader is not a path I desire," she said diplomatically, though her initial reaction had been - What the hell? Do I not have enough chores already?!!! "I think that, when it comes to jobs and trades and places to live, you feel them with your heart," she continued. And while her heart had not yet found, what it desired the most, it had learned quite a lot of, what it did not want and what made it miserable. "Do you plan to... do you want to leave?" she asked.
.
"I highly doubt that," Dwin shook her head, though - come to think of it - she could not remember the last time she had done silly thing just for the fun of it. Realizing that she too may have joined the ranks of "the boring adults" made her shudder and protest. I am not boring. The circumstances force me to be! "That would be the embarrasment to the Blackthorn family name. Silly and reckless is in, what we excel!" she chuckled and then it died away, because without any other full-blood adult Blackthorns around to lead the party, she no longer knew, what the family name itself meant exactly.
It surprised her that Teya too was not happy to stay here - she had always seemed to be such a homebody. But then again - Bronco had been here at the time. And she had never truly had a heart-to-heart conversation with the Raven, where they spoke to each other as adults. "It gets really lonely here," she felt she could be honest with Teya now the way she could not be with her parents. "I am also not sure, if leaving would be an option, because this is the only home I have ever known, but... I am not happy here either. Is this, what growing up means? Becoming kind of homeless inside your heart?" she chuckled at the strange way she had worded the idea.
"You have not lived here all your life either, have you?" she asked.
"I sometimes think that for dad love for this land trumps everything else," Dwin remarked, being familiar with, how very unhappy Eljay was with the very idea of leaving anywhere and thinking it unfair that Maia had had to give up her life of traveller to cater for his needs. "I would not be able to do it - like mom can. Could. There was this old story about a prince trapping a nightingale to have it sing only for him. Except the bird without its freedom lost its song and life," she said. "You know, we were told this story to learn about, how you cannot change people, who they are. You cannot force them and yet... it happens all the time. And people - mom, for example - does it willingly," she finished, looking down at her paws. She hoped that Teya would not retell this to Maia, because this would make her more miserable in an already sad situation.
"In that case my heart does not know, what it wants," she concluded, fell silent and sighed. She got to her feet, picked up a rock and shoved it over the ledge. The length of its flight was not as mighty as the attempt at throwing had been. "Forgive me for asking - but was it all worth it?" she asked. "Loving someone. Was all of, what you had, worth the sorrow you feel and will probably feel for the rest of your life?" she knew that by saying this, she had been tactless and would make Teya hurt more than she already did. But then - if she never asked now - she would not find out.
"I don't think that..." love should be about suffering - Dwin wanted to say, but kept it to herself. There and then she realized for the first time that the way people understood love differed from person to person. It was like people sitting at a card-game table. Some played with high stakes they gave it all and either got more than most or lost everything horribly. Then there were the cautious ones, who chose their moves carefully and who dabbled here and there, but always kept the balance. Dwin did not want to end up like Teya. Despite her saying that all of it had been worth it, that she would do it again, Dwin did not feel convinced. Inner-Dwinness to her was more important than having it shaken and torn down to the foundations.
"Will you be okay over time?" she asked next, sounding probably inconsiderate a bit, since the wounds were still fresh. "What I mean... if you need company or someone to talk to... or simply stay in silence - I am here. It... I cannot offer you much useful help, but I can help nonetheless," she rambled, but the intent was there. Teya should not face this alone. No one should.
Teya no longer wished to dwell on the subject of loss and steered the conversation to more practical matters. Dwin - Miss Curious - being her second nature would have wanted to dissect the little Raven's situation to the smallest detail, but she was not entirely heartless. After all - there was time and place for analyzing the way you felt and trying to make sense of it. And then there were times, when you just needed to feel. She had recognized by now that, when she let herself wallow in her discontent and self-pity to the point of disgust with herself and being fed up with everything, she felt better afterwards. Maybe it worked the same way with grief also.
"I do not think that with the numbers and team we have now, we can pull off a big hunt," Dwin shared her doubts. Because Eljay was old, Amalia - injured, that left Maia, Teya and Dwin and the pups. And they weren't nowhere near to aim higher than hares, in her humble opinion. "Maybe, if things get really tough... we will have to consider relocation," she remarked. Dad would be opposed to it, but then... between the choice of starving to death or living inside the memories of your childhood home. She preferred the first. Dwin was not ready to kick the bucket yet.
mm maybe both! i see dwin is out exploring and maybe teya will do the same! game to meet wraen anytime! <3
this was blackthorn land. once it had been redhawk territory, but that family had moved on. teya didn't think they would want to uproot again, not after bronco. not after eljay retiring. it was the only home the kids had known.
and yet, something moved inside her, just enough to let a ray of sunshine touch the tear-drenched place inside her.
something to do. something new to be. some — purpose. "you make sense," she assured, reaching to nose the young wolf's shoulder.
"lunch sound good."