When Etienne had left the hollow and not returned, Anselm assumed the worst.
And when he had gone to Rivenwood in anger and hurt to confront the only man he had dared let close, Etienne had been gone from there too.
At first, Anselm assumed Etienne had gone back home. But as the hours bled into night, he wondered -- and when he wondered, he tended to make hypotheticals. And when he tended to entertain these hypotheticals, things got out of control.
First, he imagined Etienne had found someone else and had left. He'd lost Etienne's tracks back by Rivenwood. Maybe Etienne did this on purpose, to confuse him -- because he knew Anselm would come after him, right? Maybe all of this subterfuge was to throw him off his tracks, and ditch Anselm for good.
A blackness settled in his heart, and bile rooted its way between his teeth and burned his tongue.
By daybreak he'd been furious, he'd been desolate, and he'd grieved -- a strange unsettling peace that was shortlived as any tempestuous emotional storm could be. He'd picked up a scent close to the Hollow that he wanted to disbelieve; it couldn't be Etienne, this didn't match with the runaway hypothetical that made him heartsick this last week.
But it was Etienne, as far as Anselm could tell. Etienne, and some other scents too.
Anselm's heart skipped a beat. Before he knew it, he was trotting loose-limbed into the Hollow, tail arced and nose in the air as he tried -- casually, because he couldn't let anyone know he actually had missed Etienne or even been worried about Etienne -- to parse from the sundry scents the direction Etienne had headed in.
Etienne hadn't informed Anselm of his movements,because he had planned on an immediate return. He hadn't planned his paws would hurt or that Heda and Druid would ask him to stay. And he definitely hadn't planned on helping two wives out.
Which that situation still made him incredibly uncomfortable, and he was willing to forget it ever happened they had gotten what they wanted and he had helped two wives have children like his granmes maybe. He was still young after all.
He was unaware that Anselm had been looking for him. Happy that both Suzu and Dusty had come to see him, but worried since dusty had crossd the territory line. This wasn't okay.
Anselm would find Etienne in the river as he so often was. He couldn't be in the sea next best thing right. But there was an obsession to his river trowling as of late.
A feeling of wrongness. Determined. Trying to get a scent back. But river waters didn't smell as robust as sand and sea.
It was difficult to track well while playing it off as if he were aloof. More than once, Anselm followed a scent molecule that lead him astray. It was not that Etienne's scent went every which way -- it was that Anselm was too proud to bend his head to the ground to detect direction.
But as the ground grew more damp and the scent clusters thicker, Anselm had a good idea of where Etienne was. He slowed his gait, as to appear nonchalant -- under the illusion he struck an image of coming and going like the neighbor's cat. Etienne was fully submerged; Anselm's gaze watched as the riverwater parted his deep cinnamon fur, darkening it to a ruddy ochre.
He wanted to blurt that he'd gone looking for him, but that sounded too -- well, gay. He wanted to articulate the hurt -- mostly self inflicted -- he felt when he feared Etienne had gone away forever. But none of these things were said, and Anselm was left looking at where he assumed the sore forepaws were.
How are your legs? Anselm wanted to ask like a normal person who cared about his friend. Instead, he blurted Vhere have you been?
A soft sound of delight curled from Etienne as he played in the water. Though it was cold and it stole his breath away. He loved it all the same. If he closed his eyes and the water streamed fast. He could almosy imagine the ocean waves. Playing at his footpaws.
Hurried steps. Then quieter they padded. And he blinked golden gaze at the mountain man before him. And his heart tightened. How he wanted to say.
Do you know I love you? That your grumpiness I can stand because of the soft moments in between. That a fire stirs deep for you and I can do nothing to ease its burn. That you are like sea water. I can drink and drink and never quench the thirst that drives my throat dry. Do you know this ti gason dyab mwen an
Sunset eyes traced where his paws lay submerged. Fur greyscaled and white slowly losing its winter fluff. Etienne's paws itched to run paws through. To graze teeth and tongue across. But he could not. For surely it would mean his death at the teeth of his most beloved. His Adonis.
He was thrown from his thoughts at the harsh question.
I was no w'ere special. I took 'erbs to Rivenwood for Ava. De pup wit' de broken 'ead. I stayed dere for day or two, my paws 'ad cracked open. On my way 'ome i found two wolves. Wives of eac' otter dat needed 'elp so I assisted dem. Den I come 'ome.
Were he capable of folding his arms defensively across his chest he would do so. Anselm was not proud of his pointed question - it bolted past his tongue with a mouthful of teeth, without his consent.
Etienne’s story tracked. Anselm felt the galloping of his heart steady. It was just like Etienne to stop and help strangers — Anselm absorbed this news without skipping a beat. He would never imagine that Etienne had helped in a more — instinctual way — but his lips curved in a silent joke that Etienne would just so happen to find two more lesbians in the wild.
Things hadn’t clicked into place yet. Anselm’s gaze slipped past the submerged cinnamon of Etienne’s radiant form. There vhere two volves looking for you. Your sister —
here his tone subtly changed, knifed by nascent jealousy — and a man vho claimed to know you. Dusty Rose.
Anselm screamedd defensive. And Eti wasn't entirely sure why. He hadn't done anything wrong. And he hadn't wronged Anselm he didn't think.
Etienne never planned on telling anyone, even Suzu that there maybe children out there that belonged to him. Because in his mind they didn't. They belonged to the two wives. And it was their choice to explain parentage if they so desired. His mother had never told him and his siblings who their father was. And as an adult Etienne now realized there had to be one.
Etienne nodded a small smile curving his maw. Yes Suzu found me and so did Dusty. 'E be our neig'bor and my friend, 'e live at 'eart'wood. Over dere. Run by uh Reverie and Boone. Met dem a few week ago.
I met Dusty in the meadow lookin' for 'erbs and den 'e was de one found me rite after i be 'urtin' my paws. 'E 'elped me originally get dem wrapped. 'E be tinkin' i strange an a little naive, but ' e still my friend.
Anselm was slow to let down his defensive guard. He did not know the string of names Etienne shared save for Suzu - and an insecure part of him was rankled that so much of Etienne's lively life could be unknown to him.
He let out an exasperated breath he'd kept at bay. His gaze flickered from Etienne to the murky banks behind him. There was much he wanted say and yet, conjured no courage for it.
Okay, then.
He conceded at length, brow drawn into a furrow as he forayed into the terrifying territory that was tentatively sharing his feelings with someone else. Etienne, vhat do you think of moving from here?
Etienne was unsure what to make of Anselm's mood. Why did the sesrching of Eti make him so angry. Far as Etienne knew, Anselm couldn't wait for him to leave. Yet they had gotten better lately.
Etienne frowned and slowly slipped onto the shore. Water pooling at his feet. He couldn't shake hard for fear of soaking Anselm. But at least he could do one of those amall little shivers while he listened
Etienne sucked in a small breath as he thought of an amswer. I would be fine wit' it. We are getting quite a few neighbors. But is dat w'at you be wantin? You be waiting for your family and brother, no?
As Etienne bid for the bank Anselm wordlessly stepped out of spray range, though the seaborn’s fur hardly ruffled with his gentle shake.
A silence pooled around them much like the water splattering down Etienne’s legs. Anselm looked at Etienne for a long time, a subtle expression of distress darkening his gaze.
Etienne. They are not coming back.
Now that Anselm was aware of how his family had abandoned Druid, it was hard to hold onto any shred of hope.
A gentle amoothing of fur down. Droplets on tongue and teeth as he listened. Though a dsrkening of his gaze and Etienne felt awful. He didn't know how to fix this.
He made a soft noise. A cross between a hmm and a reaching sound of care. Sympathy.
Etienne nodded. Den per'aps we do leave. You can 'eal. You be w'ere dey always been. You cannot feel better. It maybe good for you.
Etienne said what Anselm was thinking, but could not say aloud. It was tantamount to deserting his station — something Anselm struggled with coming to terms with.
His friend made a quiet noise of sympathy. This moment would have been a tender moment between the two, if Anselm wasn’t a selfish and self-absorbed twit.
Water splattered to the ground in quiet, repetitive drops. Anselm’ lip twitched. Mmm. Maybe.
The conversation was bordering into dangerously vulnerable territory. Anselm changed the topic. Is Suzu still around? Maybe you should let her know. Vhere would we go?
Etienne knew that Anselm would not take kindly to leaving the place he was born. Where he was waiting on his brother. But coming from a place of before. When he had left home, it had done more for his healing. Than staying would have. At least it was what he believed.
Etienne wanted to grasp Anselm. Pull him into a wolfish hug. Rub the furrows from his brow, but he couldn't and he wouldn't. Anselm may very well rip his throat out. So instead his paw twitched and he drew it back towards himself.
A soft smile at the mention of his sister. Yes. Suzu be near. 'er won't go far now 'er know w'ere i be. And if i don't be tellin' 'er w'ere i be goin'. O' let me tell you. I be dead. 'er be like ETI!
he gave a firm nod. Knowing his sister well and loving her in all her glory. Well dere be Rivenwood w'ere Druid and 'eda are. Dere be a place near 'ere called 'earthwood, run by Reverie and Boone. My mama would take us if we wanted be near de sea. Dere also be a pack near de coast called Redtail Rise. My odder brudder be dere. Taken by eagle w'en he be baby, dropped dere. I tink T'eo still live wit' Mama an' Suzu. Dere also be a pack near de coast, but I don't b eknowin' it's name. O! And quite a few on de mountain.
Anselm wanted to laugh at the heartfelt description Etienne shared of his relationship with Suzu, but all it did was remind him of what he was missing. Isa and Emmerich were gone. He barely knew Ilse. And now he was like the rest of his older siblings -- just a whisper on the wind, a fragment of a past life in the shattered storybook of his parent's lives.
Etienne knew so many packs. Anselm was in awe of this, trying to mentally map each as Etienne described them. In the end, he thought it was safest to go with what he knew.
He sighed, a long and hard exhale that seemed to uncoil every inch of him. Maybe ve go to Rivenvood. It vould be best vith them both expecting.
He didn't want what happened to Etienne's brother to happen to anyone, least of all a former charge of theirs. Vhat do you think?
Etienne was as always besotted with his sister. He adored everything about her and rue the day anyone said she was difficult or anything. The wrath with which he would dole out would be worthy of Poseidon.
Etienne had made it his mission to gather as much information as he could. In the hopes that this would help Anselm in some way.
A searing pain in his chest. Stole his breath. Anselm wanted to go to rivenwood. Where Heda was. Where his babies if they were might be. And it hurt it hurt so bad. But Etienne said nothing.
Instead he smiled. Dat be soundin' good to me, yea. I need go dere anyway be checkin' on dem.
An invisible shadow of pain crossed Etienne's face. Even if Anselm had been looking closely, he would have missed the streaking fissure for what it was: deep unhappiness.
As far as Anselm was aware, Etienne had just given his blessing. In the manner of a man clapping his thighs before standing, Anselm shifted with a sigh. That settles that.
He was too self-involved -- or perhaps too preoccupied -- to see that shadow turn to visible anguish in Etienne's chest.
Anselm didn't notice and Etienne shoved it diwn, down down. Deep in the pit of his stomwch where these feelings soured and scoured hia innards with fiery pain.
Etienne smiled. And nodded. Yes it sure does.
But the amile disappeared as Anselm turned away. And he couldn't force his paws to move again. He wanted to scream. To shake Anselm, but he followed finally.
Rivenwood it was. While the smile bled from Etienne’s features, it remained in the spark of Anselm’s eye.
They had a new journey — a new lease on life that might lift the rusted shackles the Hollow had placed on them both.
The pair walked in tandem, soft snow trailing in puffy clouds overhead.