like a ghost, she spent the two days wandering. atka looked as much too. a sick feeling rose her stomach, rather sudden compared to the numbness that embraced her. she had not remained to see the ending of the fight. the comfort of nothingness that held her was ebbing from her body rather fast when the scent of blood wafted her way.

she wondered if the cause was her nearness to the deepwood weald, but she did not smell the rotting body she imagined. atka tried to push herself past it, the man she loved being the man he said he was. she told him he was wrong.

atka was wrong.

she followed this scent. @Dreven couldn't die. she'd left him alone and he was truly all she had, as unhealthy as it was. they would fix it! she could fix this.

the concentration of the smell was thick here. blood, infection, him, and the rage she swore was heavy in the air. the agitation swelled just as the pity did. atka loved him, but had never been more enraged.

"oh, dreven." she croaked, slowly and hesitantly stepping up with a low head.

sunlit eyes flicker over him in worry as deep breaths short of crying racked her. had her delay and emotion meant his death? could she fix this?

the sickness added a weight to the air, where it was fresh and briny, it now only brought grief and choking. she swallowed hard, and walked up closer. atka kissed his face where it was untouched with wounds.

oh, how she wanted to scold him and scream at him! she wished to cry, hurt him back, but hold him all the same.

"shh, lay down. do not try to speak. i will return in a few moments." she looked around at the tall trees.

the forest did not conceal its secrets; for it showed death and new life together. the snowy woman exhaled a sharp breath, moving quickly to seek something to begin to fight this infection. she was sure it would depend on his body's strength, it's will to live, but she would try. by atka's gods, she would try. she sought the devil's club, the leafy plant and it's roots bringing life to those that fought infection time and time again with her people.

she returned in tow with flora of many kinds, paws dirty and browned as she'd dug for roots. atka stared at a face that revealed itself to waving in and out of consciousness.

"you will be alright." she softly whispered before going to work of making poultices.

she pressed damp leaves to covered wounds untouched by infection, ones of soothing to slow bleeding of unscabbed areas and ease pain all the same.

"why did you do it? her voice remained quiet, tears freely falling onto him as she worked.

she did not think he'd answer, but she would hear him!

a deep frown graced her face as she dressed his wounds carefully with meticulously chewed and mixed poultice.

"you killed a man... for just being there." they had no claim on the area, those woods homing strays just like themselves.

she had nothing else to say to him as she worked. dreven will not die, a chant in her mind. her love stirred a desire to help him, but would it be enough to forgive him?

atka stared hard at him, head shaking in slight movements of disbelief. her eyes glassed over as every emotion she'd ever imagined had flickered in what she'd felt like was dying heart.

"dreven." her sides revealed heavy, sharp breaths. "stop!"

even if the man did not stop, she'd only shout louder. atka was stuck, frozen to her core; her bones were as stiff as rock.

"i've done no such thing! i knew all of this, don't be a fool, dreven!" she knew what he'd done, little details but large pictures of death and cruelty.

"i loved you! with all of that, but i can't-" all of it, the blood he'd spilled, the lives he'd taken.

she only wished- from the first days of blanketing herself with his presence, was for the number to remain what it was. it had not. her own cry had cut her enraged voice.

"WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?!" she was nothing short of screaming now. "YOU DID NOT LOVE A CRUEL WOMAN, DREVEN!"

you did not. 

old habits die hard.

atka only cried more, shying into herself with furrowed brows and bared teeth. perhaps she shouldn't have said it, this pain was not caused by any she did not love; but she'd listened to him, let him speak. she needed to hear every thought that he had. he had to give her something, anything!

"what gentle woman-" she laughed through her tears, continuing to cry. "wha- what gentle woman, dreven, would i be if it were only directed towards you?"

her voice became breathy, leveling out with calmness as feelings became more concrete.

"i cannot be the only one you have a heart for." she answered him with her eyes a fire of rage, sadness, and guilt. "you... you know what, dreven?! i don't want to love you, but i do! that's the fucking truth! why would i care so much if i didn't? i might look upon two strangers murdering each other and be angry, but this, this is so much more because i love you. i let on all this fucking guilt, dreven, that does not. belong. to me. i've wondered, these two days-"

she stopped, looking at a man that death seemed to be tearing him downward. her lips quivered with her shaking body now. she sighed, trying anything to stop it, but only ragged breaths came to her.

"did i kill that man? did what i give you, dreven, fuel that power and rage or have you not let go of all that you were? and- and what sort of man would be if i hadn't lost..." and then through gritted teeth, quieter, "if i hadn't lost them. would you have let go of it all then?" 

if her was dying, so much of her would go with him. atka imagined there wouldn't be much left.

she could not hear it, she could not hear that he thought they’d hurt her. atka could not align herself with such a thought, and then, suddenly, she could. there were few lingering scents of another there, enough to not be over powered with blood and death. she thought of the stranger, loved, perhaps traveling home in this season. a season of birth and new life.

”see, there. dreven it’s right there.” she said, defeat and weariness clear on her body.

atka watched him as he stumbled, taking a few steps forward and pausing. she’d done what she’d could, dressed his wounds and medicated them to her best. time was the only answer that would come to them, and so far, his faltering and pain did not show promises.

”it is me. fear, because of me.” her head titled lowly to catch his blood-red eyes. ”i don’t imagine any died, while i was gone, dear.” 

she also knew the rest of his words were true, he had not let go of it. he had gotten lost in it. he was afraid, but dreven was also cruel and murderous in the face of it.

she'd imagined wrong. she started to laugh again with a quick transition to high pitched breaths and whines with her cries. then he'd fallen. atka wanted to as well. the rock that she felt in her throat was unbearable, and it would not go away for a very long time. he'd reassured her efforts, and should he get better, what would they do?

she had been foolish. time and time again atka told him he was not who he said he was and she was wrong. dreven was a killer and atka loved him. she felt like as much of a ghost as she looked.

slowly and carefully, she stepped forward pressed her nose to her forehead. atka lingered like that for a moment, searching for his scent past all of the blood and sickness.

but they ain't easy to tame. and if the woman ain't up for it, well they usually end up broke too.

she recalled the sadey's words with closed eyes, wondering if this is what that felt like.

those kind they like the good, makes em wish they were better, but they just can't.

"i'm sorry." she whispered.

atka had truly felt he was right, she would never get away. even will all the love, the words, the safety, the nights, all of it, there would still be death and evil. she decided it would not be enough. she knew death and its fingertips, it had touched her once before and ones that she'd loved. atka would not be beside someone who worked at it's hands and could never stop.

"goodbye." should he live, he'll likely see her again.

she stepped away, static filling her ears and drowning out everything as she walked. her tears were dry and her face bleak. it had taken everything from her.