amadeo had comforted heda. the cloying sorrow remained. punctuating it by prayer was her only recourse.
seeing the eyes of her sons open had soothed her in a thousand ways.
with the very first of her renewed self, she went to find
@Etienne. anselm and she had — they would solve their differences in another way. but the healer had saved her over and over. she owed him the world, the moon if she could pull it from the night sky.
"i'm sorry for how i acted that day, etienne," heda whispered as soon as she found him, ears planing to the sides.
Etienne knew he was in his own head more than he needed to be. He also knew that soon enough he needed to sit with himself. And go through it all. He needed to feel the emotions and let them go. But frankly he didn't know how. Not when so many needed him. And expected him to be fine.
A curl of his ears to his skull as he heard the tread he had grown used too. He blinked his golden gaze to Heda. And though he wanted to rail and wail. He wanted to tell her yes she did owe him that apology.
Instead when he opened his mouth. The following came out.
It is alrite 'eda.
"i don't think so." she came to sit near him, not too near, and turned her golden eyes on him, more clear today. "i think you deserve so much more than everything you've gotten since you came here."
she didn't know how to bargain or reward; instead she only said quietly, "your level head has been pretty invaluable."
Heda settled near him. But she was not close. A bitter thought arose within him. That she reserved that for those that mattered. Punctuated by the fact that she immediately spoke of his level headedness.
Did any of them even know him? Or that he was just as important as his skillset? Yes it made him valuable, but so did the fact he was living and breathing. Then he felt a cruel bite of guilt. He was being so very unfair. To all of them. This was a making of his own. This self sacrificing beast he had become.
He wanted to agree that yes he did deserve more. He had always deserved more than he was given. Death at the sea. Disappearances in the hollow. The bite of Anselms cruelty immediately followed. The judgement of others. The fact that Heda had slept with the man he loved. That he had been beaten and busted to do something he would have done anyway.
It is wut i was tot. And besides any wolf would do it dat could.And i tink dat Fiona 'as done much more dan I could. Look at Druid now.
she shook her head, softly. "fiona has helped a lot. but you were here for her first. and me, and ava." and look how she had spoken to him. had treated him, made him feel.
"i want rivenwood to be better, and i'm sure druid does too," heda said quietly. "i'd like more of your input on things, etienne, if you'd like to give it."
A soft sad smile. But I may 'ave ruined Ava. 'Eda. I moved 'er and dat be someting dat i s'ould not be doin'. But my worry outpaced my tots.
A chuckle at her next words. Low and slightly fragile.
I not be good at dat. My bleedin' 'eart will get you in trouble. I do not fite. I prefer gentle to ruff. I would not protect your borders well. And i would always caution peace. Understandin'. I could not speak on dey otter tings.
emphatically did she shake her head, insisting silently that etienne allow her to recognize his medical skills. he had done all he could in so tense and immediate a time. there was no way for heda to fault him, even if she too blamed herself.
"well, look what we've been doing when it's our way," she pressed gently instead. "talking it out and trying to be peaceful is what i want, and i think it's what druid wants too."
Etienne had only done what any decent medic would have done. Should have done. Had it been Fiona that came across it rather than him. She would have done what she needed too. IT was what you did as a healer.
Etienne shifted and was unsure what to say. He didn't know how to tell her. He didn't know how to do what she wanted. He could not be what she wanted. So instead. He gave a soft nod.
I will do wut I can.
heda wasn't sure she knew how to reach etienne. wondering if he was as closed to druid as he seemed to be to her, she nodded, straightening.
thanking him didn't seem to have an impact, and she felt awkward as she tried to think of anything else to say.
had heda known etienne's fears over she and anselm, she might have choked.
"mireille has always been one of my closest friends. it's — i like having some of sapphique here, in you."
she stood then, meaning to return to the den.
Etienne wasn't trying to be difficult. Truly. He just had so much going on in the head of his,that it was almost difficult to even verbalize such things. Once upon a time he had been an open child, but that had brought him heartache.
A smile lit up his face at the mention of his auntie, a general softening around his edges. A soft chuckle.
I love my auntie, but 'er is wild. Very different from my Mama. Auntie is fierce in her love of us, Mama is gentle.
Etienne smiled again as he thought of home. I 'ope i can live up to expectation den. Sapp'ique is it's own titan.
he softened, glowed; heda loved to see this look upon etienne. "you miss them," she observed with an aching heart. he spoke of his family in the way that she thought of her lost children. tears suddenly, annoying, dewed her lashes.
"how long has it been since you saw them?"
Etienne could no more hide the love for his family, than he could hide his soft nature. But this nature was what had brought him here.
She looked as if she were about to cry and lord help him. He wanted to make her feel better and yet an ugly darkness made him wonder if it wasn't just karma. But he stuffed that down. And berated himself for such a terrible thought.
Please don't be sad, 'eda.
He tilted a sodt ear forward a quizzical look upon his face as he thought.
I saw Mama and Suzu few weeks before i came 'ere. Den Suzu came rite after Glaukos made me stay. I tot 'er 'ad gone 'ome. 'Er 'ad beem visitin' me. W'en I didn't return. Suzu came 'ere.
self-deprecating laugh; "sorry," heda said, dashing the offending moisture from her eyes for the sake of them both. "so only suzu has been here?" she murmured, more to herself than a question.
the golden eyes found etienne in soft wonder; "will you go back one day? to stay?" like she and druid had, heda thought, musing over whether it was the same for the man in front of her.
You don't need to apologize for your feelings, 'Eda. Not ever. Dey be your own. You only apologize if you 'urt otters.
Oh if this stubborn sea born only followed his own advice. If he only didn't feel guilty for his feelings. But alas he had never learned to apply his own advice to his own life.
A nod of his head. Yes only Suzu. But Suzu is mmm, my protector, my best friend. I would die for 'er as quick as 'er would for me. Dere is a bond between Suzu and I. We never go far witout makin' sure we bot' okay.
A soft laugh, a little sad, a little surprised.
I don't know. I do not be tinkin Anselm would like it dere, an' my mama an' auntie, make mince meat of 'im at first. I promised 'im I would not abandon 'im. Even if 'e does so first.
He shifted. De sea always be part of me. 'Er rises up deep w'en i be needin' 'er most. So I never really left.