It had been a good couple days since the hunt and Kesuk still hadn't talked to Koda. She knew it was important and that they needed to get it out in the open, but having her in heat made things even more complicated. She had been pacing around outside their den for at least ten minutes now, contemplating what to do. It would probably be better if they just talked about it, but with her in the condition she was, talking would be the last thing on his mind.
She let out a huge, exasperated sigh and plopped down on the cold, wet ground. Why did things have to be so complicated all the time? Why couldn't things just go as planned for once in her life?
Before she could change her mind and chicken out, she raised her muzzle to the air, letting a call for Koda ring loose. When she clamped her mouth shut she realized that there was no going back now. They would either figure it out, or have a complete blow out. Lately, there seemed to be no in-between.
After returning from Duskfire Glacier, Koda had been living on the fringes of the pack, eating only leftovers from the caches and avoiding everyone, even his mate. The disaster that was the hunt was still fresh in his mind, and he was sure his pack mates were still angry with him for his outburst at the injured juvenile. Dante was right, he hadn't handled it well it all. He'd handled the whole thing badly before the chase even started. If he'd wanted to do it right, he should have stuck to the teachings of his father and forbidden the girl from taking part in the first place.
In retrospect, he knew he'd given the wrong impression when he'd told Saena to leave the hunting to the men and go look at clouds. Now, the others seemed to think he was some kind of woman hater. But it just wasn't that simple. He'd been raised to believe that men and women simply had different strengths and weaknesses, and in order to survive they both should stick to what they did best. Nature had built men bigger and stronger so they could handle all the dangerous work and keep their wives and families safe and happy.
But Nature's roles for females were not less important, just less visible and much less dangerous. Women were naturally much better at caring for the youngest, most vulnerable members of the pack. When a hunter was injured, it was by the skill and knowledge of a woman that he was made well. Males were terrible communicators, resorting to bared fangs and snarls during a dispute. A levelheaded female could quickly calm the situation and get everyone involved to discuss matters like adults (caretaker, healer, counselor, all "girl jobs" according to Koda). Sure, being a hunter or a warrior looked like a life filled with excitement and adventure, but without females to look after the more domestic side of things, any pack would crumble and ruin. In a way, they were more important than the men in the pack.
The look Kesuk had given him that day, that icy glare that froze the blood in his veins, let Koda know that she did not agree in the slightest. He'd wanted to explain himself more clearly, but he'd decided to give her some time to cool off first. Perhaps if he could discuss this with Kesuk in a calmer setting, she could more easily see his point of view. She was precious to him, and he wanted to protect her from all the nasty things in the world. Was he really such a bad guy for feeling this way?
A hesitant howl rang out, his lover's voice. She was calling to him. Koda's stomach lurched as he was suddenly overcome with fear, anxiety and hope all at once. He was so flustered, he couldn't call back, so he just went obediently to the call. His steps were heavy with uncertainty as he trudged through the undergrowth on his way to the den. He barely felt the branches and thorns pulling at his fur as his mind raced through all the possible scenarios that could play out once he reunited with Kesuk. He wondered what had made her finally call him to their den at precisely the moment he was thinking about her. Would she let him talk, or had she already made up her mind about him?
She stood in front of the den, her expression fraught with worry. Koda felt a stab of guilt, knowing she was feeling this way because of him. For this reason, he did not rush to his mate's side and try to comfort her, fearing such sudden action could possibly upset her even more. He simply stood at the edge of the clearing, head and tail lowered in shame and submission. But even as he stood there, waiting for her to tear a strip off him, he couldn't help but think about how beautiful she looked, even when she was upset.
"Hey, Kesuk," he greeted softly. "I'm ready to talk."
She lifted her cold gaze to him, her brow wrinkled in thought. Now that he was actually here she didn't know what to say. His actions and words at the pack hunt had made her so mad she had barely been able to hold back from snapping at him. She wanted to just get over it, to just give up and apologize for glaring at him even though she knew that she wasn't the one who needed to apologize. She watched him with emotionless eyes as he stayed at the edge of the clearing that led to their den. It had been empty without him and she wanted him to come back. But at the same time, she knew that doing that would just prove his point. That women were weak.
She didn't see it his way. She never would. She had grown up in a pack where the wolves were equal, no matter what gender. Her own parents had been beta male and female and they had both done warden work as well as the caretaking of her and her siblings. She simply could not comprehend why Koda would say such damaging things. Saena was trying to become gamekeeper, just like him, the least he could do was give her some pointers, not tell her she wasn't fit for the job.
In saying what he did, he not only offended one of Kesuk's best friends in the pack, but he deeply offended her as well. He had basically said that she couldn't do things like being a warden or an outrider, which were the things she wanted to do most.
So instead of giving in like she so wanted to, she just sat down and looked at him, her eyes not giving anything away. No anger, no happiness. Nothing.
"Well, talk then." she prompted quietly.
Kesuk stared him down, her ice cold glare boring a hole straight through him. Koda shifted uncomfortably. Now that he had her attention, he didn't know what to say. He felt as if he were about to walk through a minefield, and one misstep would cause the whole thing to blow up again. He did not want this discussion to devolve into a fight.
He decided to start with an apology. "I'm really sorry you had to see me that way," he began. "Dante was right, I totally lost it. But you know I'm not really mean like that, right?" He asked her. He rose and padded carefully closer to her. It was hard to have a meaningful conversation with several meters of separation.
As Koda drew near, he inhaled her scent and poof, just like that he forgot everything he was going to say. His whole spiel about sticking to tradition and proving why his way was right was so unimportant now. All he cared about at this moment was being with her. "I missed you while we were apart," he said softly.
She watched Koda with the same emotionless eyes, her ears twitching as she listened to his apology. He admitted that he was wrong and that made a little warmth sneak into her eyes. She did know he wasn't really like that most of the time. But what if he was like that just a little of the time? Would she be able to handle that? Her eyes followed him as he made his way over to her, his eyes losing their sharp determination as soon as he caught her scent.
Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to talk to him while she was in heat, while his thoughts would be clouded. Or maybe it was, it would show if he had control or not.
His voice lowered as he came closer, telling her that he missed her. She had missed him too, but she wouldn't let him know that, at least not yet. Deciding to make everything a little more interesting, she lay down in a relaxed position, no doubt letting the scent of her heat reach Koda all the better.
"I know your not like that all the time." she replied, her voice equally as soft as Koda's. "I'm glad your back."
Kesuk's words brought a smile to Koda's lips. She was glad to have him back. She wasn't exactly rushing into his open arms, but at least she'd stopped shooting lasers at him. She became quite relaxed, even laying down before Koda. The male was dizzied by a fresh wave of pheromones emanating from his mate's prostrated body. This was the cruelest form of torture.
'Augh, why does she have to be so damn sexy,' Koda lamented to himself. His yellow eyes traced the length of her body, lingering particularly long on her hips. How he just wanted to wrap his paws around that slender waist and fuck her silly. She had to know she was tormenting him, right?
As much as he wanted to just let the discussion go and satisfy their basic instinct, he wanted to get it done and over with so they could move on. "Is there anything you want to say to me," he prodded. "Is there any way I can make this up to you?"
He had passed the test, making her smile, no doubt looking goofy since the subject they were talking about was very serious. Even when it was their natural instincts to mate during this time, he had made it his priority to talk about the problem at hand and Kesuk couldn't be happier. She got up from her position and padded closer to him, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.
She pulled back and looked him in the eyes, a light smile on her lips. "I'm glad you know that what you did was, well, a little much, and I know that I reacted a little over the top as well. What's important to me is that we're on the same terms." she replied softly. "And please, try to except the fact that women can do other things beside babysitting." she said giving him a stern look before smiling a bit.
It was good to have him back, she had missed his warm figure at night and she felt like a part of her had gone missing with him. She knew that it was important to talk about their disagreements, but the thing she was happiest about was the fact that he was back home.
Koda cocked his head to the side and studied Kesuk with a puzzled look. What had he done to make her smile at him like that? What had caused the change in her mood? 'Crazy female hormones,' he reasoned. He kept this thought to himself, however.
The dog's bushy tail thumped the ground as his mate leaned in for a kiss. Her gentle touch sent a pleasant tingle through his body, particularly between his hind legs. Koda returned the affection in kind, licking Kesuk's velvety soft cheek. He wanted to do so much more, but he forced himself to stop. There was still more to be discussed. He wrapped his tail around his haunches, hoping to hide his excitement.
"While we're on the topic of jobs, there was something else I wanted to talk about," he began. It was another difficult topic, one that would no doubt test the relationship further.
"It kills me when you go out on your outrider missions," said Koda. Instead of feeling relief when he finally revealed this to her, he felt even worse about himself. What kind of man let his mate go off on her own into the wilderness? Would she settle down once they had pups? Was he not enough for her? "I hate seeing you go, never knowing if you're gonna come back to me."
Koda's eyes flicked up to meet Kesuk's. "I must sound pretty pathetic, huh?"
She observed his puzzled look with a smile on her face, reaching her eyes. It was true that her current state effected her actions, but men would never understand what goes on inside a female's mind. She stifled a laugh as he returned her kiss, wrapping his tail around his legs to hide what was underneath.
Just when she thought they had gotten all their concerns out into the open, he voiced that he had another. Her ears perked as she watched him, wondering what it could possibly be. He said it had to do with jobs.
When he first spoke, Kesuk's icy eyes narrowed, watching him carefully. He had a problem with her being an outrider? Well then he could piss off. There was no way she was going to give that up. Ever.
But as he finished his thought, her eyes widened out of their glare, a soft look in their cold depths. He was worried she wouldn't come back? "Why would you ever think I would leave you?" she asked, her voice soft. She couldn't imagine living her life without him. "I would never do that. But I'm not going to give up outriding either." she warned. If he thought that she would just drop something she had worked so hard for, then he was sadly mistaken.
While his mate seemed concerned for him, she also asserted that she would not give up her trade. Koda's heart sank. They both wanted something totally different, how could they come to an agreement that would make them both happy?
"I'm afraid someone will take you from me," he explained. "Someone will kill you, or someone will capture you," there were lots of terrible scenarios running around in Koda's head, but one fear stood out, perhaps because it seemed mostly likely to actually happen. "Or maybe you'll just meet someone you like better."
He wanted to tell her to give up outriding and do something safer and more constructive, like counseling. Kesuk cared about everyone, she'd be wonderful in such a role. But more importantly, she'd be by Koda's side always, where he could protect her and provide for her like a good man should.
But before he opened his mouth, he reflected on his conversation with Osprey. His talk with her had helped him realize something important, that Kesuk would never be happy if he forced his traditional views on her. And he wanted his mate to be happy, more than anything.
"I won't ask you to give up being an outrider," he told her. "But maybe sometime I could come along with you?" He asked, remembering Osprey's suggestion. It wasn't exactly what he wanted, and he wasn't sure how she'd feel about it, but at least it was a compromise.
"And if anyone so much as looks at you, I get to kick their ass," he added with a smirk.
She gave him a slight glare when he mentioned her being captured or killed. While she was sure that was probably possible, she had it ingrained in her mind that she could take care of herself perfectly fine. She had been on her own long enough, and as much as she hated to admit it, she didn't really need him for that purpose. Sure she needed him emotionally, but physically, she would be fine all by herself. It was almost as if he thought she needed him to protect her 24/7 and that fact alone bugged her. But then he added that he as afraid she would meet someone better, it not only plucked her heartstrings, but made her a little angry that he didn't have faith in her.
Even now she could smell faint traces of Scarlett on his fur, but was she questioning whether he would run away to be with her? No. She trusted him to faithful, why couldn't he do the same? "I am a grown woman you know, I can take care of myself." she said sternly, pulling back ever so slightly.
Her ears twitched at his next suggestion. He wanted to go with her? In her stubborn mind, it didn't register that he was probably only worried for her safety. No, to her it seemed like he thought he needed to babysit her. She narrowed her eyes ever so slightly at him, hoping he couldn't see the tiny patch of exposed skin on her neck, where Ciervo had pulled her fur. That would definitely set him off.
"You want to come with me? And just so you know, I have spoken to plenty of males, and I'm still here aren't I? I don't need you to kick someone's ass if they 'So much as look at me.'" she sneered at him. Deeper down she knew she was being extremely rude and unreasonable, that he was making an effort to compromise, but it had struck a nerve and she was pissed. Now she was just trying to get a reaction from him. "You don't see me running around worrying my ass off when you go on a hunt. Oh Koda, you cant go, what if you get hurt? What if you fall in love with someone else?!" she mocked in an extremely sarcastic voice. She had never been one to hold back her words, or even think about what she was blurting, but this was too far, even for her.
As he spoke, he noticed Kesuk seemed to be growing more and more agitated. She pulled back and shot him a glare, obviously offended at something. His heart sank. 'Oh shit, what did I say,' he asked himself. He'd thought he was saying all the right things, but somehow, he'd managed to turn the conversation around again. Now they were worse off than when they started.
As he'd suspected, Kesuk did not like the idea of letting him come along on her outrider missions. "I just thought it'd be a fun way to spend time together," he tried to explain. This was partly the truth. It was also true that he wanted to go along to make sure she'd be safe. He felt his motives were justified, she'd almost drowned the day he met her for crying out loud.
He'd meant that last line as a joke to lighten the mood, but it backfired in a bad way. Kesuk unleashed a barrage of sarcastic jeers on him. Her words stung like angry wasps, but Koda took it all silently, a hard look on his face. When it was over, he spoke calmly. "I cannot talk to you if you're going to act like that," he said sternly. Even if he was in the wrong here, he wasn't going to sit there and let her make fun of him. He would give her one chance to smarten up, but if she couldn't continue the conversation like an adult he'd get up and leave until she could.
Kesuk took a deep breath, her eyes loosing their spark, looking utterly defeated. All the energy she had possessed moments ago had drained away, leaving her with nothing. He was right and all she wanted to do in that moment was run into his arms. It had been hard on her to not have him with her and the stress had lay heavy on her shoulders.
She looked up into his stern gaze, her own dull and exhausted. "You're right. I'm sorry, what I said was immature and I regret it." she stead, trying to keep her voice stable but feeling it wobble a bit at the end. His stony expression was worse then anything she had every seen, showing no emotion at all, while she sat there crumbling like sand.
It wasn't his fault he didn't know her history. No one did. Maybe it was time to change that.
She took a deep breath, her body shaking, "I was never liked as a pup, so I rebelled. All the male pups bullied me and made me do things, calling me a stupid girl who would never do anything but sit at home and take care of babies. When you say things like that, I know you are just trying to protect me and show me you love me, but it really hurts me. It's not your fault, and I should have realized that much earlier. Will you forgive me?" she finished, looking up into his eyes with a pleading expression that rarely showed on her.
Sorry I took so long.
Kesuk's anger subsided, and she apologized for her outburst. Koda nodded in acceptance. Her words had stung, but he wouldn't stay angry with her for long.
"It's all right," he replied, his hard expression softening as he gazed upon her face. Even when they were at odds, his instinct was to comfort his mate.
He listened as Kesuk told him about how she'd been treated in the past, and explained how his words had hurt her so much. Koda swallowed hard when she asked for his forgiveness.
"I'm the one that should be asking for forgiveness," he replied. He was just like those young punks that had bullied his mate in her youth.
He wanted to reach out with a paw and pull her into an embrace, hold her tight and never let go, but he held back.
"If you want out, just say so," he said, holding back tears. He didn't want to lose Kesuk, but more than that he wanted her to be happy, even if it meant he'd have to live without her.
"I'll understand."
I should be the one apologizing for lateness :P
She watched his face change as she explained what had happened to her and was glad that maybe they understood each other a little better, but she did not expect him to ask her if she wanted to leave the mateship.
Mates were supposed to quarrel now and then, what was important was they could forgive each other and make their relationship even better. A bit startled, Kesuk pulled away from his embrace ever so slightly to be able to meet his sad gaze.
"Of course not! Is that what you want?" she asked cautiously, wondering if him asking that was a way at hinting he didn't want it anymore. She didn't quite know what she would do if that was the case.