@osprey <3
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on the heels of his confession to dante, a new drama had arisen among them. osprey, the moonkissed sister of his former lover, was with child, and the father had not sprung from among them. lasher could not muster anger toward him, even ire befitting his rank — osprey had faltered, and the swell of her body that surely aroused irritated suspicion among her packmates would be punishment enough.
in the warm light of a springtime dawn, the beta male lifted his voice in a summons for her, standing near a cache housing the freshly killed body of a marmot. his tone was vague but firm: her presence was not requested, but ordered. yet it was vague, free of malice, and presently he fell to watching for her.
Ever since her conversation with Blue willow that had ended with an eye-opening realization of the mess she was into, Osprey had kept to herself and avoided the other packmates. Knowing that her friend knew and most likely didn't approve, knowing that she was so not ready for this and had no idea, what to do, was enough. She didn't want to hear or endure reprimanding or insults or threats or preaching or whatever that others would come up with.
She had considered terminating this unfortunate process, yet she didn't have the courage. Not because she pitied the lives that were not born, she feared dying herself. This seemed to be a too great punishment for the mistake she had made.
Osprey was finishing a meal that consisted of scraps from her own secret caches, when she heard Lasher calling for her. She cringed inside and considered to ignore this for a moment. Pretend that she was not there. But, what use would it be anyway? She would get in even deeper trouble. Better face the worst now than later. Therefore she left her spot and padded carefully through the forest, until the tall form of the beta came into her sight.
There she slowed her pace until coming to a halt several feet away from him, observing and studying his face, yet saying nothing.
the silver woman arrived and lasher's jaw tensed at her presence — not out of anger, mind, but from annoyance at how the rest of the pack would surely perceive her. in the land of wolves, the progeny that had sprung forth from blue willow and himself were bastards, but he would never think of them as such, or the bodies that grew within osprey.
this is for you,
he murmured when she had drawn into earshot. his eyes met her own for a long moment; there he recognized no challenge, and thus relaxed, gaze falling to the curve of her abdomen.
would you like to discuss it?
he inquired, settling himself upon his haunches. though he maintained his position as her leader, he was also a counsellor unto the pack, and therefore unto osprey.
This is meant for you. Osprey didn't understand it at first, she furrowed her brow and eyed the marmot distrustfully. The smell of fresh blood was tickling her nostrils and she felt, how saliva filled her mouth and, how very hungry she suddenly felt. She held back though, sitting down and clenching her jaw. Her gaze rested on the kill briefly and then traveled to Lasher's face, scrutinizing it, seeking any signs of hate and disapproval, yet finding none. This confused her a little, but wasn't enough to let her guard down. She was prepared for the worst. It was a matter of time, before the blow came. And she wanted to be ready, have all four feet on the ground.
"Is there anything to discuss?" she finally asked, when the silence between them had got uncomfortably long. "I messed up, I am going to pay for that." As simple as that. There was no way of this ending well. This was not a story with a happy ending.
osprey regarded him silently; he could sense the conflict within her, and her clipped words confirmed this. for a long moment, he did not speak, formulating a response within his mind. i have not spoken closely with you before, but know that i am hear to listen, not as your leader, but as a comrade. you will be punished enough by the judgement of others.
having spoken, lasher dipped his muzzle to grasp the marmot and lay it between them. this is sustenance for your children, and for yourself.
thus he fell silent, watching osprey for her response.
Your children... Osprey winced at the mention of this. It was a reminder that the living beings that were developing inside her womb were - in fact - going to be sentient creatures with emotional needs, feelings, intellect even. It was easier to think about them as things, blobs of flesh and fur - it helped to lessen the guilt she felt for letting this happen, therefore for a brief moment she hated Lasher for saying those words. The anger flashed momentarily in her eyes, but she quickly turned her gaze away from him. He had done nothing wrong, he hadn't said anything that wasn't true.
"Do you... see... any way that this can turn out well?" she asked her voice quiet and calm, yet she was not inquiring, what he thought about it. She was stating a fact that she knew already. There wasn't a way. Not here, not now. "If not... then why bother... why prolong the suffering?"
the ire that blazed in osprey's eyes was met with a slight prickling of lasher's hackles, a warning, though he knew the plethora of deep emotions that beset a broody female. add to that the abuse that was surely heaped upon her, along with dante's anticipated displeasure, and he pitied the moonkissed female indeed. there are herbs that can end a pregnancy, osprey, taltos murmured softly, regarding her gently.
he is not a cruel man, dante. there are laws in our society, and you have broken a serious one of them, but perhaps their lives can be saved, if that is what you wish. i do not think you do. and thus he fell silent, awaiting her response.
Osprey didn't comment on the herbs - they were out of question, because it was too late for that. And Blue willow had said she could not guarantee that she would get out of this without any harm. What she had left to herself, but what her words implied - Osprey could die - and as desperate she was to get out of this situation, she didn't want to leave this world yet.
Lasher mentioned speaking with Dante about keeping the kids - she drew her ears back and looked away. It was shameful to admit that she did not want them and many would think that for all the wrong reasons. That she valued her freedom and independence more than those innocent lives she carried. That she was cold and heartless. But it was not so.
That day, after she had spoken with Blue willow, she had spent hours and hours wandering around the plateau, trying to understand, where to go from this point on, what would happen now. No matter, what the scenario was, it never had a happy ending. Not even a hope for that. Therefore to save herself from inevitable heartbreak, she had decided to put a distance between her and the ones that were not yet born. She forbade herself to get attached.
"What I did has no excuse - it was selfish and wrong. My intentions were not to get to the point, where I am," she finally said, mustering up courage to make him understand her just a little bit. "There is this classic family picture... happy mom, proud father and joyous bunch of kids. It probably sounds lame, but that's a world I would want to have them born and grow up. Not like this - where they would have to face hostility, because of their mother's misdeeds. Not, where I don't feel safe." Not, where I have to fight and endure this on my own.
he could sense the struggle within osprey, and wanted to lend his empathy, but it was something the moonlit wolf did not wish. and so lasher was silent, listening to the woman speak in precise words, clipped tone. and when she had finished, he let the quietude stretch between them for a long moment.
"blue willow wished the same, osprey. for a man to meet a woman, for their mateship to be established before the eyes of the pack and the gods above, and then children. she loves atticus. she loves me also, but atticus would have been this to her. and yet he departed. the life she lives now was not the one she wished, but she is happy. she is joyous. delight and happiness follow her; i believe the willow to be fulfilled. content."
he paused a moment. "dante will be angry; this is his right. but i do not believe he will wish you or the babes you carry to come to harm. would you give up potential happiness for yourself due to your image of what this is to look like? my children are not bastards, osprey, for no one here sees them as such. they will be reared within this pack with love and respect, with wolves to guide them and teach them. you are counted among that number."
"those who would show hostility to the unborn, to the innocents, are ignorant. they are not worth a second glance."
"i never wished for children, or to be mated. and yet i find myself both a father and a constant lover to a woman i have come to deeply love. and i am happy, truly sated. our lives shall all change, osprey, and shall change and change again. it is how you come to see the change that influences the outcome."
It is how you come to see the change that influences the outcome. Osprey furrowed her brow, letting this simple truth sink in. It was true that she was standing before a very big change - her life no matter the outcome would never be the same. She didn't feel prepared to begin a new chapter in her life, when it felt like there was still so much to write and do in this one. She could not picture the future, because this one scary event was blocking the way and - no matter, what she tried - she couldn't find a way around it.
Lasher spoke about his and Blue willow's arrangement and, how their kids would be considered as bastards by some. Osprey had never considered it to be like that. If Dante had decided not to continue his bloodline then it was the right of those, who stood next to him in the ranks. The decision of betas' had been a thorough one, both had known, what they were getting into. They had been sure of where they stood in their lives and, what their wanted. Their situation was like a book, written neatly, with a well-outlined plot, a bit predictable - yes - but everything was thought through and through.
Osprey's in comparison had a rambly story written in messy handwriting, with blotches of ink and dirty fingerprints here and there, doodles on the edges and dog-eared pages. "Lasher, you didn't mess with a stranger and walk away without a second thought. I don't care about that fellow - not in the least," true, looking back it even seemed a bit odd that she had got so far and so quickly with him. "Do you think desperation for being desired and loved just like everyone else is a good reason to do that? I was selfish and had I cared more about this pack and, what could happen next, I would have stayed within the lines," but she had not. She had thrown her sanity out of the window and immersed herself in the madness of that moment.
"So, don't draw parallels with your and Blue willow's lives and mine. There is no need to make me better, when I was... am not, and your actions less justifiable than they really were. I admire you two for settling your lives the way that make you both happy and I only wish I would have been patient enough to wait for my turn to come," she fell silent. Who was to tell now, what it could have been. "I never wished to have children, not like this. And it scares me that, when they are born I won't feel any different. Do you think it is fair for any kid to grow up not loved and liked? To be only endured?" You couldn't say that she hated the kids, that she blamed them for anything other than choosing the wrong person to be with. Yet she didn't feel any glee or happiness for that either. Too much uncertainty for her to look in the future with hope.
osprey was correct; he and blue willow had come to an agreement, an arrangement. there was no comparison, and yet there was also. however, he nodded as she spoke, understanding the message she wished to convey, though he wondered if some part of the moongilded woman wished to be alone and misunderstood -- wished to grovel in this saddest of moments.
he knew little of herbs, but even though it had been his first suggestion, as taltos eyed her rounded sides, he wondered if the murderous plants would take root and only the lives of the babes within, or if they would jeopardize her life also. while he wished to encourage her to keep them alive, for he believed osprey would grow to love them, lasher would not force such a fate upon her.
nevertheless, there was no cogent way to rid herself of their needs unless she delivered them, and then slew them herself, or abandoned them. lasher did not ask her of these things, for they were horrid images to heap upon an already strained mind. "how can i be of aid to you? tell me what you need to make your decision, osprey. i will do all that i can."
How can I be of aid to you?
Osprey furrowed her brow at Lasher's offer to help, yet she could not bring herself to feel angry or offended by that. She was... curious. Aside from the fact that this man had been her brother's lover and was a sort-of-mate to Blue willow she did not know him that well at all, therefore his wish to do something for her was a confusing one and made her a little suspicious of it too. Everything in this life came for a price - what would she owe him, if she decided to ask something from him?
Tell me what you need to make your decision, Osprey.
Despite the fact that she knew she did not want to have children, it did not mean that she wanted to kill them now. She didn't even think that she would be capable of finishing them off once they were born, although it would not be that hard to do. Life was a gift and, who would she be to play with it? And yet... she firmly believed that they would have no life here. Not a happy one at least. Therefore she didn't know, what to do yet. How did you deal with a situation that was essentially wrong?
I will do all that I can.
"Lasher, you can't help someone, who does not know, where they stand. You can't help, if a person doesn't want to be... helped," she spoke calmly, there was even a touch of apology for having to turn him down. But she could not accept neither his help, nor anyone else's. Not until she would come to terms with herself, not until she knew for sure, what she was going to do. "Thank you... for being a friend though. I appreciate that."
he saw the merit of her words, though they pained for him; his heart ached for osprey. a fleeting thought did come to him: that she should seek out peregrine, and his countenance, and advice. but then he remembered the abuse heaped against his own as of then unborn children by the woman whom peregrine loved. fox's scorn knew no bounds; she would not hold her tongue against osprey and the children she carried, punishing them with a horrid name by way of their father's ignorance.
to the silver woman he dipped his head. "we are here when you decide, osprey. make not the mistake of believing that you are alone, or that you must be alone. it is simply untrue." with a gesture of his paw he pushed forth the marmot. "i shall leave you to rest and to eat now."
with that he turned, to seek out blue willow, but his tread was slow enough that the woman could recall him if need be.
Seeking out her brother had been an option Osprey had not even considered, because, what could he possibly do? Be a shoulder to cry on, listen to her with empathy, offer a place in his pack? Then what - would everything be alright from that point on? No. He was a busy family man, who also had to manage quite big pack. There were people among his ranks that deserved to have offspring. The last thing she would have want to jeopardize Peregrine's status in the caldera. She was not sure that she even wanted him to know the mess she had got into.
"Thanks, Lasher," she called out to the retreating form of the beta male. It was evident that he was not entirely satisfied with the outcome of the conversation, neither was she, but at this moment it was probably for the best to both of them. Osprey looked down at the marmot, contemplated for a while and then, deciding that it would be a waste of a good thing to just leave it there, she went over, picked it up and began to carry away to her sleeping spot.