Wolf RPG

ooc: @Dante - I will keep it vague, since I don't know, what will happen in the threads with Blue Willow and Lasher. Btw - this is my 100th thread - I just checked. Cheers!

It wasn't often that Osprey would wonder, what it would be like to be someone else, somewhere far away. Up until now she had been quite content about her life the way it was. However, few days ago everything had changed - her carefully built safe life shattered in matter of seconds. Of course, had she been more observant, she would have noticed the cracks long before, when there had been an actualy chance to do something about the situation she was in now.

To say that she was miserable was an understatement. Unhappy? Not even close. Confused and lost, fearful of her fate and, what awaited her in the future. The realization of the cold hard truth mixed with the denial of the whole situation. This could not happen to her. Not like this anyway. But it had, here she was, clueless of what to do about it. Therefore in order to keep these offending thoughts at bay, she kept herself occupied - hunted, sought actively for a burrow to hide herself away from everyone and now and then entered a restless sleep.

She was sleeping now, her breathing deep and even, yet the troubled and weary expression of her face showed only a little bit of the stress she was feeling at the moment.

Dante had had much to think about, and a couple of trips outside the pack's borders had lent themselves to introspection.  Ever since his conversation with Mordecai he too had been thinking of the narrow view he had of outside, and while it wasn't something he planned on fixing right away (he was no outrider), he was growing more used to the idea that he could venture out if he wished.  The option was there.

As a result, he hadn't seen much of his packmates.  

When he caught wind of Osprey nearby, he considered, then decided to seek her out.  As one of his two closest friends outside of Lasher and Blue, and the friend he thought most suited to giving him advice on a certain subject, he was thinking about speaking with her about it.  Unaware that she was asleep, and not immediately finding her, he gave a moderate call.  "Osprey?"

They say that you need to "sleep on things" to have a better perspective. Especially, when the so called things are bad or upsetting. Therefore, when Osprey was woken from her restless sleep, for mere seconds she felt almost as her old self. Only for the truth to hit her directly in the face again and bring back all the negative emotions that were constantly haunting her. She got to her feet slowly, shook her coat and feeling the pressing need to relieve herself, she walked few steps away from her resting spot, squatted and emptied her bladder.

After casting a quick glance around, trying to remember, what had awoken her, she spotted Dante not too far away. Her heart-rate picked up and she froze. Osprey had no way of knowing that the alpha might be unaware of her wrongdoing and the consequences, therefore the very idea of meeting him face to face, made her shudder in horror. Without much thinking, she decided to ignore his presence and flee, padding away as quickly as the burden she carried along allowed her.

Unfortunately for her, Dante happened to notice her movement in his periphery, and assumed she hadn't heard.  After all, he could have no notion as to why she would be avoiding him, so the thought didn't even cross his mind.  "Hey, La-" He'd been about to call her over with Charon's dubbance, but the words died on his tongue, along with any thought of what he'd wanted to talk to her about.

He'd noticed the change, one that had occurred far too quickly to be anything but what it seemed.

Jogging, he moved to cut her off before she could depart, ears back.  And, more abruptly than maybe he meant to, the first question that came to mind was expelled.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

The second, more obvious question was 'who', but he held off on that.  For now.

Had things been different, Osprey would have outrun Dante by now, but, of course, her lanky legs meant for speed, but not so suitable for carrying an extra weight, slowed her down, therefore, when he caught up with her in mere seconds, she didn't even put up an effort, she stopped and waited, what he had to say. It surprised her a little that he - out of all people - was the last one to know. Because - ever since learning this herself a week ago - she thought that her whole appearance screamed from the roof-tops about, what kind of mess Osprey was in. Apparently not everyone were that observant and she could not decide, whether it was a good or bad thing.

His question made her frown - as if she had hid this fact all this time on purpose. Ok, for the last few days it was so - she kept away from others just because she felt bad enough already to hear anyone else preaching about dignity and proper manners and how irresponsible it was. Hell, she knew that already. Also the fact that she couldn't for the world recall, how this had happened, when and with whom. There were a lot of blank spaces left. "Had I known earlier, do you think I would have stayed this long? That I would not have run for the hills?" she replied him with a question of her own, because there was no way of explaining "why".

It was rather ridiculous, him being upset with her for not informing him the instant she knew.  It wasn't as though he'd made himself very available.  Yet this crazy notion was what his mind latched onto... She hadn't trusted him enough to let him know, to confide this.  Did he think that he would throw her out?!

"Running?  Is that how you would handle this?"  Why the heck he was so upset he didn't know.  Maybe it was because he had counted her a close friend, and to be so blindsided by this showed a clear lack of communication. And a large part of it was likely due to his own guilt at not noticing the trouble she was in.  He wasn't really assessing this at the moment though.  "Do you really think that's the answer?". To hear that she would take flight was troubling, and he fought to keep his voice even.

"We're family Osprey.  And no matter what stupid moves we may make, family sticks together."  Harsh, and likely completely  out of line, but he could not believe that she would have done such a thing, having never experienced the circumstances that had led to her mistake.

To be true Osprey had no idea, how was she going to handle this. Running away was an option she had come up with now. First - in order to say something to Dante, second - somehow neither Blue, nor Lasher and it seemed that the alpha himself - didn't see this situation the way she did. That this trouble they wanted to solve for her would have a more profound effect on the pack as a whole. The rule that only the leader pair were allowed to mate was for a reason after all. Because of that everyone should be treated equally - higher or lower ranked - illegimite children weren't allowed.

"Dante, tell me just one way of how can this end well?" she asked him the same question she had asked Lasher. Even if he would offer an option, she would stubbornly stick to the idea that this would end badly, that this wasn't the way things should be. That this - to be honest - wasn't, what she wanted. "Where do you see a happily-ever-after? This is a stupid mistake of mine and you can't make it right by sitting down and talking it through. It's my mess and mine alone."

His eyes narrowed as she said it was her mess alone, for he disagreed heavily.  She had brought this mess into his pack, by nature of being a member if it, and therefore it was as much his to deal with as hers.  This was a serious problem and no longer affected knly her.  Even by leaving she would change the pack as a whole, and the weight of the consequences was for him to determine also.

"Maybe there is no happy ending.  If anyone can see the downsides to this, believe me, I can.  But running without even trying is a pretty damn cowardly thing to do."  Was she even planning on coming to him if he hadn't run into her?  At the moment he was betting no.

"You are the fourth highest ranking wolf in this pack Osprey.  If anyone aside from Blue Willow has the right to pups, it's you.  Yeah, it was pretty rotten timing to have this happen so soon after Blue's, but you aren't the breaking point here.  No, you didn't get permission, but it's not something I would kick you out for."  He was angry, yes, that she would be so foolish.  But it was a mistake and one that she seemed to heavily regret.  He had to ask, the question was burning on his tongue.  "Who's the father?"

 If anyone aside from Blue Willow has the right to pups, it's you. Osprey took an involuntary step away from Dante, as if he had spat at her and turned her head sideways so that he would not see the conflicted emotions. Everything in her mind screamed - no, no, no, this is not right - and she failed to understand, why no one else saw the point she was making. Funny, but it seemed, that out of them all only Saena would be in agreement with her (she didn't have to meet the girl to know, what her thoughts about this would be). That this should not happen, that this was not, how things worked. There was hierarchy, there were rules, she had broken them and there were consequences. This was something you learned early on and as liberal Osprey was in her views about the world in general, there were some basic things that not even she dared to disobey.

Now - all of them - made it seem as it was not important, as if... it was nothing. Didn't they see the bigger picture? It didn't matter, what she wanted or not, what she deserved or not in terms of her rank and dedication to the pack. It was the family that counted and, what was best for them. In that picture there was no place for Osprey's offspring. Bastards. And as despicable the concept itself was, she knew that they would never get rid of that name. Neither in the childhood, nor in the adulthood. There would always be something missing. Then - what about her? Being free and now committed was one thing, but accepting the permission to have children, would also mean that she would be indebted to them in many ways. That she would be dependant.

And alone. The realization of this probably was the reason, why she didn't want to have the children here and now. Yes, she kept a happy face, was the tough one, presented herself as a freedom-loving bird that wasn't bothered by the fact that at her age she had no significant other. Yet, when it came to having a family... she could, of course, pull through, carry all of the burden on her shoulders, not complain and try to be happy, but she didn't want to. Not on her own. As much as Dante wanted to believe that plateau wolves were one tightly-knit family, they were not. Not in a way Osprey would have wanted it to be.

She did not feel safe or confident. Her sleep during the nights was still troubled, because she kept waking up at the slightest sound, fearing that someone would attack her. There was no one watching over her, she had to fend for herself. She wanted to have someone to cuddle up against. Someone she could tell all of the adventures she had had during the day, someone that could make her want to stay, rather than venture off and away from the pack on daily basis. Someone to return to, feel affection to... to love. Someone that could convince her that everything would be alright, when it felt like it would not.

Osprey had seen Peregrine's and Fox's happiness and fondness for each other and, even though she had never said it aloud, she wanted to have little bit of that too. To know, how it really felt, not watch from the sidelines, not imagine. What if... this recklessness on her side... had been because of that desperate need to be loved and not to be alone for once. When she looked back at her own madness several weeks ago, there was a lot she could not remember, but then again there weren't any unpleasant memories either. She had returned home feeling happy.

And as this all went through her mind in waves, she felt, how tears welled up in her eyes, how very unbearable it was to stand here and try to explain herself to the leader, as if he could understand anything of the storm that was raging within her. Therefore she did not answer and without lifting her glance she went past him.


ooc: not the end of the thread - Dante can follow.

Unlike Osprey, Dante came from a home where breeding rights were free to any who desired, and even mateship could be a transitory thing. Many children didn't make it through their first months, and even more perished in the training of adolescence.  It was not like here, where limited resources said only few could breed.  There it was understood that the strong would live and the weak perish.

Despite this, Dante was far more upset by the revelation than he had let on, and most of this was focused on the part he was having a hard time with... That Osprey would take such a step with a stranger.  In his homeland, it was this that would be the crime, and it was a crime she would have died for.  Koda could not have been the father, nor could Mordecai.  He doubted Lasher, and that left only he and Finn of the plateau wolves.  In all cases, he knew they would have told him.

Besides, her own silence on the matter spoke volumes.

It was too much too soon, and he was having issues lifting his stomach from where it rested somewhere around his paws.  First Lasher's revelation, and now this.  He knew his words were cavalier for the severity of what was happening, but he couldn't imagine her leaving.  The thought sickened him.  And if that meant overlooking this in an official capacity, so be it.

Personally, though, he couldn't.  How he could be so upset with her, and yet so against the idea of her going, was confusing as hell.  His words had caused her to flinch, though, and rather than responding she turned to go.

"Shit," he cursed, softly.  He wasn't about to let her disappear on that note.  Because though he had lost some of the esteem he held her to, it took more than a single mistake of this sort to make him not count her a friend.  She'd been too much a good part of his life here since joining for that.  "Osprey." He followed, though skowly, hesitwntly.

"Just.... please.  Don't do anything yet.  I just... Please?"  He didnt want her disappearing into the night like so many others had, and he felt she was close to it.  His tone was gentler on this, though he could feel the shift within and knew he wouldn't be the same around her, not for a long while.  He'd allowed himself to believe them kindred souls, but now knew that to be far from the truth.

Even though leaving the pack behind had crossed Osprey's mind and now that the trouble was even bigger than before, it seemed like a very tempting idea. Dante was right about one thing - running away would not solve her problems. Severing ties with the people that had grown close to her didn't seem either fair or right. She thought about Blue willow and, how sad she would be. Being the selfless person she was, she would probably keep her feelings to herself, she would let her go, even if it would make her unhappy. A newly found friend and kindred spirit Mordecai - she enjoyed his presence a great deal and it would be a loss indeed. There were kids that she wanted to see growing up. And there was this truth that she would have nowhere to go and would most likely perish out there.

Then there was Dante - always so proper - would he miss her too? Even after this? And the plateau itself, she had learned to love it and accept it as her home. It would be hard to leave it behind. The question of whether to go or not to was so easy, yet there was so much to lose, if she decided to leave and so little to gain. Osprey did not want to start her life anew. Once had been plenty enough for her to do it again. Therefore, when the leader caught up with her and spoke, she stopped to regard him with a weary gaze and said: "You think that it is easy? Keeping up the cheerful and careless appearance? Being tough and not complain, even when you want to scream, how very lonely you really are at the end of every single day? There is no excuse for, what I did, and you can feel disappointed in me for messing with a stranger... but I was happy, I was admired... I was loved, even if it wasn't meant to last long."

Lifetime of misery for few moments of bliss and solace and even now... it seemed a fair trade.

He was shocked at the revelations she gave, for he could not have guessed.  He was so ok with being alone that it was hard to imagine what she was feeling.  True, it was lonely, but it was also familiar.  And a whole lot less stress, he was finding, only having to worry about your own happiness.

He'd have never thought her lonely, and the idea that the pack wasn't giving her enough made him, if possible, more unhappy than he already was.  Again, why hadn't she come to him?  He'd have listened... but what could he have done?  Well, he could have tried at least.  And she could've tried too.  Instead she'd run off and sought what she needed from outside, and look where it had gotten her. 

"Was it worth it?"  he asked, not out of spite, but because he truly wanted to know.  Was the stress and pain she was feeling now, and the strain she would likely put on her friends as a result, worth the easing of the loneliness even for a bit?

Because he just couldn't see how that could be the case.

Was it worth it?  Osprey didn't have to look far and long to find an answer. It was at hand's length - yes and no in equal doses. Yes -  forgetting loneliness just for a moment, be like everyone else, who were happy with their special someones - it was an experience worth having, worth remembering. Because she might not have another chance, she was in her prime this year, things would be different from the next spring and those that would follow. She didn't feel old yet, but time was catching up with her - there was no way of denying it.

And no, because the misery she felt now was beyond anything that she had felt before. It seemed that, whatever she had built here was crumbling away. There would be more people having their opinions about this, making assumptions and asking her endless "whys", seeking reasons for her behavior and she was not going to open up her heart for everyone to make them understand. To have the slightest bit of pity, to have someone say - Osprey, you weren't wrong. Each of them were so wrapped up in their own little lives that they didn't notice someone suffering in silence.

Then she thought about, how many people hid their true feelings behind a smile, how each one of them here had some emotions to constantly restrain, how very few of them dared to let themselves be, fearing that the cost would be too high. "Do you want to be in my shoes now just for a moment?" she asked him rhetorically with a sad little smile.

Though her question may have been rhetorical, Dante answered it all the same.  "No.  I don't think I would."  He had never been bothered enough by loneliness to even think about doing as she had done, and because of that he couldn't relate.  He didn't think he wanted to be able to relate.

Holding off on any sort of introspection for a later time, he did what he did best... he compartmentalized.  Right now, he was alpha, and she was one of his members who was now in a sticky situation.  He knew he shouldn't, in good faith, let her lack of gaining his permission to breed go unchecked and unpunished, but what could he do to her that was worse than what she was going through now?  She wasn't like Junior... demotion would not cause her pause, and instead would only make her pups even less legitimate.  He couldn't do that to them.

No, her self-inflicted consequences were enough.  If any thought him lenient for believing so, let them.

"You can take my den for a while, if you like.  I remember yours went south."  He didn't know if she'd take him up on it, but he wished to offer it.  So long ago he'd been unable to, but now... now the offer came easily.  Something he wouldn't think much on until later.  "I can sleep elsewhere."  He was used to outside and, once it warmed a bit, he honestly preferred it.  He hadn't even slept in the den most nights in the winter, for the walls made him feel trapped, enclosed.  He wasn't really one for being backed into corners... literally or figuratively.

Dante's offer - although kind - only caused anger in her. She had been without a den whole winter, she had spent her nights in freezing temperatures, often not being able to feel her toes in the morning. Her sleep had been restless, because there out in the open she had to always keep an ear and eye open during her sleep to be able to escape, in case something bad came upon her. To be true - she didn't even know, what deep and peaceful sleep meant anymore. There were so many other hurtful things she could have said to him, but didn't. Because he had acted like a friend - even when he should have put his alpha duties first - and she gave him credit for that.

"I have a place to say," she lied with ease. Technically she had - it was not a den though - but still a corner, where she could be far away from the rest of the pack. Somehow enduring disapproval and hostility was easier than the fact that her friends were trying to be noble and pity her. She did not deserve it, nor did she want it. "I will go now," Osprey thought that it was better to end the conversation here, because, what else there was to say. "Don't follow me, please," how ironic it was that she, who had complained about being lonely in the first place, now wanted nothing more than to be away from everyone.

He did not argue, nor did he say a word as she left.  The further she got, the more anger and hurt rose like bile within him, until he could no longer watch her, and instead turned and left in the completely opposite direction.  And when he reached the border of the lands, he kept going, because like her, there was no one he wanted to see right now.

It wouldn't be until hours later that he realized why he was so conflicted. Why he hadn't offered until now, even though he'd shared a den before with Junior like it was nothing.  He hadn't wanted to overstep his damn boundaries, even though he knew they were friends.  And why irrationally he wanted to go find the father of those pups and.... No.  

It wasn't the stranger's fault that Osprey had sought another in loneliness.  Was it even Osprey's? All their conversations, and she had never let on.  Maybe she hadnt felt she could.  Or maybe, even worse, she had and he hadn't been listening.

Maybe this was, at least in part, his fault after all.