Wolf RPG

She was going to do it. She couldn't take it anymore. Raissa hadn't talked to Fitz for longer then she would like to admit and she was afraid it was because he had replaced her. At least that's what it felt like. Earlier, she had even heard him calling for her. Sure, she didn't know what he was calling her for, but in her state, she couldn't think of any other reason then the fact that he had feelings for her.

Right at the moment, she was staring into the creek that ran through the territory, looking at her face that seemed a shell of the woman she once was. It would be so easy to push her muzzle into the creek, to have the water fill her lungs, let the darkness take her away from all the pain. But then she would feel the faint squirm of the pups she would be taking life from as well. She couldn't bare to do that to them.

So if she couldn't escape into oblivion, maybe she could just escape from all the pressure. Get away from the hell-hole the mountain had become. Raissa lifted her now dull flame colored gaze from her reflection to look out over the land that expanded from the base of the mountain. She could leave now, run far away and never come back. Raise her pups on the run. Sure, it would be hard, but surely it would be better then raising them in this place.

She returned her gaze to the running water, tears dripping from her eyes and blending with the clear stream. To any onlooker, she looked like she was actually going to kill herself. She sat there for a long time, just looking at the stream, loosing herself.

Twelve days ago, FitzDutiful had talked to Bindi about the problems between her and Raissa. He still hadn't got around to doing the same with Raissa. It was painful, difficult. He had a made a decision that day when he had spoken to Bindi and it was overdue for him to make good on the promise he had made to himself. Every night since then he had returned home to find her either already asleep or she never came home. Today he was actively searching for her. Right now it was more than the two of them. If she wanted to break off their mateship he wouldn't complain but he was darn well going to fight for his children. They would be raised with Silvertip as their home. They would be raised with him as their father. They would know their father. He knew first hand the sting of bastardy and he would not allow his children to feel a different version of that feeling.

As he searched her for, he half hoped to not find her, to put this off for just a little bit longer.

Then he crested the hill.

Then he saw her looking at the river.

Then he realised she was about to kill herself and their children.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. Fast, cheetah-like, god gave him speed as he rushed towards Raissa, aiming to knock her off her feet away from the river. To take from her the option of ending the life of the puppies inside of her.

She was ripped out of her thoughts of running by a terrible scream that made her eyes widen in fear and her fur raise. She didn't have time to prepare so when the incoming ball of fur hit her she went flying, landing on her side in a painful heap. She blinked her wide, terrified eyes and tried to identify her attacker. Raissa's fangs were bared and her fur was fluffed out, ready to defend not herself, but the helpless pups that were so close to being born.

She scrambled from the ground and spun on the wolf, only to stop in her tracks when she realized it was only Fitz. She let out a sigh of relief and let her fur fall flat, trying to catch her breath and wipe the tears from her eyes.

"Oh my god, why would you do that? That hurt." she told him, her voice shaky from the scare he had just given her. She quietly took a seat and lifted a paw to rub her swollen stomach, murmuring little nothings to soothe the pups that had started squirming at the sudden impact that had jarred her body. 

Raissa asked why FitzDutiful would save her and the question stung. How could she think that he wanted her to end her life. Or rather, end the life of his children. After witnessing that, FitzDutiful had little sympathy for whatever pain Raissa was in. If needs be he would command the entire pack to put her under guard within their den until the pups were weaned and then she could go on her way. Right now, he hated what she had done.

"How could you have contemplated doing that?!" he spat back at her, tossing his head towards the river with the emphasis of 'that'. "No matter what the situation between us, you hold the life of our children within you. How dare you consider taking them from me with your own selfish desire to take your own life." His stance was defensive, even as hers relaxed. He was furious for what he had seen and that fire burned within his eyes.

Suicide was unfathomable as far as FitzDutiful was concerned - especially when more than your own life was at stake.

Sure, Raissa had thought about it, but she couldn't bare to kill the pups. There was no way she would be able to do that. How could he think she actually would do that to him. They were supposed to be in love. But whatever this was, it was not love.

Raissa's eyes widened at him, his harsh voice making her heart break more and more with each word that came from him. Soon tears filled her eyes at the fact that he believed she would do that to him and she pulled back, horrified at how angry he looked.

Even though she didn't want to admit it, deep down she felt that he wouldn't have care if she wasn't pregnant with his pups. That though alone was enough to make her break down completely. But instead, she tried to hold her own against the one she thought she would grow old with. How had it come to this? How had all this happened? They had been so happy and now it was all falling apart.

"You think I would actually do that to you?" she asked, her voice quite and horrified, cracking at the end of her words. She didn't know what was going to happen, but she had never seen this cold, unforgiving side of Fitz and it scared her more than anything else ever had.

This was wrong. Everything was wrong. Pups were supposed to be his way of making up Raissa all the hardships that she had endured by leaving the Caldera and striking out on their own. Maybe he should have left her there instead of bringing her with him. It was possible they had just moved too fast. She made it sound like it was never a consideration and yet, she didn't deny that it had been her train of thought. He shook her head, his stance softening slightly but not enough to relax.

"You don't deny that it was your consideration." he said to her, more gently than his previous words and yet not the soft, kind tone that had always been reserved for Raissa. "I don't feel like I know what you'll do any more. You've fought me on every move - ever since I made Bindi the Beta. You agreed that it was the only logical choice and yet I feel you hold that over on me. It seems as though I forced you to come here, that I forced pups upon you and care nothing for you any more. You make me feel like I'm traitorous in some form, like I have done something wrong when I have done nothing except make a home for us. A home for our family. And yet I feel you hold it over me. That you suggest any moment you can take my family and my happiness away with you. You push me away and so what else am I to think, to see you standing over the river ready to plunge my life away with yours."

FitzDutiful shook his head again. He didn't want to stand here any longer, to see her cower in front of him. He felt like he needed to pull rank on her and yet he was desperately trying to avoid that. Once he would have thrown himself at her feet, begged her incessantly to forgive him, that this was all his fault. FitzDutiful was an alpha now and that had changed his definition of the Duty that he upheld. As much as he had a Duty to family, his Duty to pack was greater. For without pack there could be no family.

His heart ripped in two as he watched her and the emotions were only just visible in his eyes, if one searched for them.

She listened to him carefully, her heart dropping, but not breaking completely as it was before. Maybe there was still hope. But when he finished, she didn't know what to say. While he felt like she was holding things over his head, using the pups make him feel certain ways, she felt the exact opposite.

Not knowing what else to say, she just blurted the absolute truth, not bothering to filter anything. "How can you say that? I'm not the one who's been avoiding their mate for about as long as this pack has been alive. I'm not the one shows interests in other females when their mate is pregnant. I feel like whatever I do, how ever I express my feelings, is wrong to you. How am I supposed to talk to you when I never even see you?" She paused, taking a deep breath to collect her thoughts. It was good to get all of this out in the open, but she didn't know how it would end.

When she started talking again, her voice was softer then it was before, the harshness gone from her words. "I understand that things are different now, but I miss how we were before. I miss being your one and only, no matter how selfish that sounds. I miss how much you loved me. Remember the night you asked me to be your mate? I still have that flower." she trailed off, her voice cracking once again as she went back in memory, reliving the sweet smell of the night time air, the love that had shown in both of their eyes. She should have known it wouldn't always be like that. "I'm sorry I made you feel like I was holding things above you." she finished in a whisper.

There was hope. It was slim, it was small. FitzDutiful saw clearly that he was standing at a crossroads. At one end, Bindi stood. Her dark fur radiant against the white backdrop that he gave her. The wind ruffled her fur and she beckoned for him to come. His mind glanced itself in the opposite direction. He saw Raissa, encircled in the flowers that he had created for her that day. By her feet ran five or six little puppies, they laughed and played with each other. Back to Bindi and he stood by her side, they had made Silvertip Mountain together, they finally got to be together and yet, that way his pups were gone. He didn't know where they were.

As much as he wanted to try things with Bindi, there was still hope for his children to have a complete family. His Bindi-love broke in two as he realised he was denying what he really wanted for the right thing. He hoped she would understand. They had never announced it to each other, it was highly possible this was a one-sided love affair and FitzDutiful couldn't, wouldn't, take that risk. Maybe in the future, when the pups were older, when all avenues with Raissa were extinguished.

"I have never shown interest in another female." he told her cleanly. It was true. His feelings were there, but he had never shown them to Bindi let alone anyone else. "I committed myself to you and I stay committed until we mutually decide otherwise." That was also true. He couldn't say he had the same amount of love as there was before, he just didn't know, maybe it was just a different kind of love now. "There's a chance we can get back to what we had. I am willing to try if you are."

The ball was in her court now.

She let out a breath of relief. If he had said otherwise, it would've killed her on the inside. But what he did say gave her hope. A tiny little thread of hope for them, but she clutched it will all her strength. She knew they might never have what they had before and that thought made her heart ache, but it was worth a try.

"I would try anything for you." she responded quietly, her eyes still shining with tears. She got to her paws and padded to his side, rubbing her muzzle against his cheek and gave him a soft kiss. She would just have to do better, so good as to block out any light another female would have in his life.

She knew that most of the problem had been caused by her, and from that point on, she would try her absolute hardest to do the best she possibly could. Sure, things wouldn't be perfect all the time, but she could try. "I missed you." she replied quietly as she rested against him, feeling partially content for the first time in weeks.

If FitzDutiful had known at this point what had occurred between Raissa and Bindi then this would have took a completely different turn. As it was, he didn't know how he was supposed to feel. Maybe she wasn't consciously holding the pups over him, heaven knows she had apologised for it and yet he felt he couldn't cut these ties because of the children.

He had to avoid a snigger when she mentioned doing this for him. He was doing this for her, not the other way around. Manipulation - that was the word he felt. The pain within him reached strange new heights, so high that numb was the only sensation that curled around him. He knew how he was supposed to feel right now and yet...

She came close and he had to fight his muscles from flinching away. He couldn't avoid the tightening of them those and he was sure she could feel that. With extreme mental force he relaxed them and settled into embrace. Yet, even as his body responded as she wanted his mind floated away, eyes staring into the distance, not enjoying this moment.

'I'm sorry, Bindi' he thought, unsure why he was apologising to her and yet knowing he owed her it.

As she curled against his soft fur, she felt his body tense as if he wanted to move away from her. Even though he eventually relaxed, it had been enough. She knew in that exact second that whatever had ever been between them would never return. The little string of golden hope she had clung to had snapped, leaving her falling into a pit of dark despair, nothing below her, nothing above her. All she could feel was nothingness as the life she had pictured for them fell further and further out of reach.

Unconsciously, that was the second she made the decision. She would leave. She would leave tonight and she would not return. She had been raised without parents, so these pups would still have it better off then she did. And no way was she going to stay here, not when she could tell she was not welcome.

So she forced her body to stay still and soft as she gazed off into the distance, a wolf she used to know doing the exact same right beside her.