Osprey had not dared to return to her children's grave, ever since she had left the place more than two weeks ago. Though now her life had returned more or less to what it had been before, she still could not muster up a courage to go there again. Her mind reasoned that there was no point in doing that either other than making her more upset than she already had been. Souls were that mattered, the bodies that were left behind were nothing but shells. Yet - even with this knowledge, she felt that there was something missing, that she there was an unfinished business.
So on the day, when it felt right and she was sure that she would not break down again, Osprey made her way to the place that had been her home for those long, four weeks until the birth. She didn't feel surprised, when she saw that nothing much had changed there, aside from the fact that she could sense sadness for abandonment and things that could have, but had not happened in the vicinity. As she drew nearer to the place, her heart began to beat faster and her breathing rate elevated, and a tiny voice in the back of her head told her to leave, to run away and not look back.
But Osprey was not a coward - she had been taught to face trouble with head held high, even if it was not easy and she was doomed to a failure. Therefore she proceeded, until she found the half-dug den and then the exact spot, where Blue willow and Lasher had burried the stillborns. There she stopped and sat down, regarding the grave with a thoughful gaze.
he found her seated near the tiny graves; he did not know when the silver woman had eaten last, and so a lone drake hung from his jaws. pausing a few feet away, the beta put down the limp body and appraised her silently. she seemed aggrieved, as he expected from one who had lost her children, even if she had not truly wanted them.
lasher said nothing, merely set himself down where he stood, muzzle turning as he rested his eyes wearily upon the small bodies in their beds of soft spring loam.
Osprey did not know, how long she had been there and, when had been the exact moment that Beta had appeared. Therefore, when she sensed his presence, her body froze first, but then, when turning to face him, she relaxed and smiled at him kindly. "Thank you for doing this," were the first words she told Lasher, her voice catching in her throat and she had to turn her gaze away from him to fight the sudden wave of sadness and need to burst out in tears.
It was gone then, after mere moments, and she was able to continue the conversation, even though her voice was still a bit quiet and had a tinge of sadness in it. "And thank you for letting me stay," after everything that had happened in the pack. She was unaware yet that her shameful deed had had a longer lasting effect on other pack members too. That they were planning to leave too. "I appreciate that very much."
"you are always welcome, osprey. you are family." whether or not she believed it, or even wished to be a part of the plateau's tightly knit ranks, the silver wolfess remained a favored and affectionately regarded member in his eyes. the sorrow in his eyes, writ into the softly exhausted details of her face, made the beta long to embrace her for a time, but he refrained; perhaps she did not wish it at this time.
"would you like to speak of it?" lasher offered softly, shifting somewhat closer, yet not enough to encroach upon her own space. somehow, he doubted osprey wished to revisit the pain still so raw in her heart, but he found talking cathartic. maybe the wolfess would as well.
They say that at hard times you truly find out, who your friends are and Osprey felt very lucky to know that she had so many. There was no other place she wanted to be now - the plateau was her home and Dante, Blue willow, Lasher and others were her family. The only odd thing was that given the fact of, how smart she considered herself to be, it had taken such a long time to realize this simple fact. But better late than never.
"There is not much to talk about it... there is sadness still, but I am fine," she replied honestly and smiled at him again. "Although I am a little curious about, where those little souls are now," she glanced back at the graves. "One of the mysteries of life, isn't it?"
he wished not for the first time that he could remove her sadness, as a thief might lift a jewel in the night, quietly and with no trace of it left behind. but he was no witch, and therefore was possessed of no magick. osprey would be relegated to coping with her grief as they all did -- slowly and with several faltering steps along the way. he looked at the small, freshly turned graves, musing over what he had been taught in donnelaith.
"in the glen, i was raised upon stories, many tales of old. one such was that babes who died before they opened their eyes were not connected to the earth, but belonged to the stars and the moon, and were taken to the beautiful feyfolk who lived in the night sky." he glanced at the grieving mother, wondering if blue willow had an herb to relax her, and perhaps dry the milk in the body that undoubtedly called for its children. "perhaps that is where they are."
"Feyfolk..." Osprey repeated, looking up at the sky above them. It was nice to think that the little souls were there, playing with the magical creatures, being loved, taken care of and having a carefree and happy life they would never had had in this world. In the end - it didn't matter that much, where they really went and how, as long as they did not suffer. "I like that. Thank you for sharing," she said, when she had returned from the world of daydreams.
"Let's go somewhere else maybe?" she got to her feet. Though it was not that painful for her to be here, this place still held the aura of strong emotions and many unresolved things. She would have to untie the knot thread by thread over time. "From what I have seen, your kids have grown up quite a lot. Look more like wolves than little balls of fluff," she teased him in a good-natured manner.
he nodded, and again when she suggested they move away from the sad little graves. falling into step alongside her, he moved when she did, toward the forest's shadowed heart. "yes. yes they are." his children were pressing five months now, and the time had moved so swiftly that he was often shocked when he gazed upon them. "and i move into middle age," he laughed softly. sometimes he felt a slight stiffening in joints that had not felt so previously, but daily exercise and romping with the small trio kept him limber.
taltos felt it impolite to ask after osprey's future plans, in light of her loss, and so kept things as light as he could manage. "i have heard that saena is pursuing leadership elsewhere. she will make a good alpha."
"Thank you for reminding," Osprey returned with a cheerful laugh, "I sometimes feel as old as the world myself." It was a coincidence that just a week or two ago she had talked about the same subject with Peregrine. Time waited for no one and... although she felt pretty much the same as before the incident, now it felt like her life was missing something. Telling and weaving stories would always be her passion and her Alpine path was still far away from the peak, yet now reaching it didn't seem so appealing anymore. Life was... a bit aimless at the moment. It had come to a standstill.
"I believe that she will do great things in life," Osprey agreed, glad that now she could speak about the girl and feel neutral about the subject. No hard feelings, no bitter taste left. "Which makes me wonder... when you were at her age - did you aspire to be here, where you are now?" the question was a personal one and Lasher had a choice of not answering it, if he so wished.
osprey's grief had outlined the small signs of age there, but her carefree demeanour before her pregnancy had always hid them from the seeking eye -- lasher knew he himself was beginning to stipple silver through his ruff. he welcomed these changes. "and you are as lovely as the sun at dawn," he murmured, moving to bump her shoulder with his own. "it is a good trade, yes?"
"i believe so as well. i must go and visit her one of these days." osprey's question gave him pause; taltos fell silent as he mused over it. "no. i never aspired to leadership. i have always followed; those who bind me to them do so permanently." he smiled. "what about you? have you designs upon reigning?"
"No, not really," Osprey shrugged. She had given a thought about being an alpha once or twice in her life, but somehow the imagined crown never seemed to fit her. Either it was too big, too shiny, or too tight - in other words - too much responsibility, too much commitment. At this age she knew herself well enough to realize that even if she was at the top she would always keep wondering, if this was it - the peak of life, nowhere higher to climb. The recent events had shed some light on what she wanted or did not wanted from life, but it had not given the clarity about the future. What was that chest of treasure she was still looking for.
"Fate has plans for me, but I don't think that they entail me becoming a queen. It would be a lot easier, if those plans were clearer though. Otherwise walking through life, not knowing, what will happen next, is exciting yet tiring after a long while."
lasher had given little thought to his own mortality, but osprey's words reminded him of its nearness. "fate," the beta mused. "such a fickle thing, so invisible with its demands, and yet it places its hand upon all of us." taltos also knew well the tiresome trek of which she spoke. his own life had settled into a beloved monotony, but monotony all the same. blue willow was quite content with him, but he still felt the pull of desire toward others.
yet he did not speak of this to osprey; he smiled instead at his greyscale companion. "if you were queen, what would be your first edict, and why?" his tongue lolled with the sudden fun of their diversion.
"Wise words," Osprey agreed, taking a moment to memorize them and then adding, what she had to say on the subject. "Yet you can twist it around. I think fate is like god - we invent them to have a belief that there is something greater guiding us, when in reality... it could be nothing," she thought a little and then added. "We fear nothingness. Whether it is in our daily lives or death."
To answer his question she was first tempted to reply that she would probably run for the hills or tell people to "un-queen" her. But sometimes no one asked, if you wanted such a big responsibility on your shoulders or if you were ready. Look at Dante, who had not wanted to be a leader and yet he had settled in his role with such an ease that it felt like he had been meant to be in the throne from the very beginning. Who was to say that she would not have the same fate?
"I have no idea," she shrugged. "Maybe... to gather every evening and tell a story, play a game?"
he thought of dante also. he had not wished the role and yet it had been thrust upon him by dint of his rank when peregrine had departed. the gunsilver man had settled into the responsibilities aptly, though recent stresses showed in his kind eyes. lasher himself would not have liked to rank as alpha. he was not a leader in such a capacity.
"stories. that is a skill that you have truly perfected," he told osprey softly, glutting himself upon the quiet delight that had settled betwixt them. "i myself would seek peace with all packs. it is our nature to fight, and to squabble, to kill one another, but i do not understand it. alliances against those who would harm is much more worthwhile to me."
"Alliances..." Lasher's suggestion was very rational and part of Osprey wanted to agree with him, but she could not shake off the feeling that it would not be a thing she would do. People were fickle beings, the dynamics of relationships tended to change. Friends became enemies... no, when it was about the safety of one's pack and family you could not trust anyone but yourself.
"You have to be really sure than that the ones you make alliances with share the same views," Osprey remarked. "Things change. You never know, how and when the one you have considered your friend... will fail your trust," she finished, her eyes having a distant expression, as if her thoughts were far away.
A moment later she simply shook her head and smiled at him: "That's such a sad and serious thought... no, let's leave it for another day." She cast a hopeful glance at her companion.
ooc: this is my last post. Please, fade the thread out in your next. Thank you! :)
will do! <3
he nodded; she spoke truthfully, and he had considered the same. but he left off it, smiling brightly at her.
"let us go to the stream and fish; i have gotten better at it, and would like to show off," he chuckled, grinning at osprey.
the pair set off slowly for the water-body, speaking as they went of brighter things.