Pantaleimon's timing, unbeknowst to her, had been unfortunate; while a lot happened in the pack, she had been off visiting Redtail Rise, of all packs. It had been good to see Reek again, even if the news that he brought was disconcerting. Pantaleimon had not thought Redhawk Caldera the type of pack where one of her visiting friends from the Sound -- well, her only friend from the Sound -- would get hurt. However, Pan decided she would not be an ass about it; she was still new, after all, and had not yet proven herself beyond meeting a few of the pack's members and hunting for it. She was a far ways from being able to critique what leaders considered fair; and probably always would be away from that point.
It had been a while since Pantaleimon had seen Peregrine in person, and so, upon her return to Redhawk Caldera, the white male decided to search for the family. Pan returned around midday and visited the rendezvous site that she knew, but found no one nearby, so lifted her head into the air and called for Peregrine, hoping for a talk to clear away the worries that clenched her stomach revolving around Reek's injury.
It was a challenge, pretending everything was fine for his kids when in reality everything was horribly wrong. Peregrine did his best, though, for them. He doted on little Wildfire, though he did not forget about the other two. Raven seemed a bit petrified of him, which broke his heart. It was just another method of due punishment, he supposed. He hoped Fox or someone else would try to soothe her fears. It was a crime that the pack did not have a Healer
or a Counselor to help everyone cope with this crisis. Peregrine certainly could have used both (not that he would have allowed himself).
Wildfire was napping and Peregrine had stretched out in the mouth of the badger den, simply gazing at her.
I'm so fucking sorry, he thought, fighting the urge to bawl. His little girl didn't seem to associate the trauma with him, which was some sort of miracle. He watched her little red flanks rise and fall with slow, deep breaths. He swallowed when his jade eyes fixed upon the ragged puncture wounds on the underside of her neck. Peregrine shuddered.
That's when a voice rose up, calling for him. Aside from his pups, Peregrine did not feel up to socializing with anyone. He was, for all intents and purposes, the pack's pariah. Nonetheless, he reluctantly pushed himself to his feet. The former Alpha asked the nearby
@Magpie to keep an eye on the dozing pup, then slunk past her to heed Pan's call. He was one of the few wolves who hadn't been present for the catastrophe and the swarthy wolf did not look forward to informing his pack mate of what had happened.
But if that's what must be done, it was just more deserved punishment.
"Pan," Peregrine greeted when he came across the pale male. He kept his head bowed, his tail low, to acknowledge his new place in the ranks.
"What can I do for you?" he queried in a strangely meek voice, not unlike Pan's own.
Pantaleimon's tail wagged when Peregrine came into view, and Pan lowered her body appropriately. To her shock, so did Peregrine, and Pantaleimon's ears flit back and forward a few times in confusion as Peregrine halted in submission and asked what he could do for Pan.
There were many conclusions to draw, but none that Pantaleimon wanted to go so far to assume into. Pan thought back to what Reek had said, and wondered if maybe Peregrine had been punished for hurting Reek, who had healed Wildfire. That was the only thing she could think of, but the punishment seemed severe if he really had been lowered in rank even below Pantaleimon.
"P-perry, are... are you okay?" Pantaleimon asked with a worried frown on her face. ".. W-what happened?"
Peregrine's demeanor seemed to confuse Pan, causing him to stutter even more than usual. The dethroned Alpha kept his eyes downcast as he mulled over what to say. As a member of the pack, Pan deserved to know the whole truth. If Peregrine couldn't trust his own pack mates, then he would be in deep trouble. But telling this terrible tale would be extremely difficult. He wanted to keep it as brief as possible.
"I made the terrible mistake of trusting my eldest daughter, Junior, around the puppies. We were estranged and I just wanted to get back to good terms after failing her," Peregrine began to explain. "But when I brought her to meet them, she attacked Wildfire. She nearly killed her. The pack had no choice but to kill Junior. Fox demoted me for being a complete and total moron."
There it was, short but certainly not sweet. Peregrine sighed inwardly and waited to see what Pan would say. It occurred to him that his subordinate could be so disturbed by the drama that he might leave the pack. He was one of the newer, less invested members, after all. Then he might go telling other wolves what had happened. Hell, he might do that anyway.
"We can't let anyone outside the caldera know what happened, else there might be dire consequences. Fox's orders," he thought to add. "We need to protect our own."
Pantaleimon listened to what Peregrine said, eyes widening in horror when she found out what had happened. Pan didn't know this Junior wolf, nor any of the difficult history the family had; Pan could not imagine a wolf killing their own siblings. She didn't understand. To hear that Wildfire had been hurt, even though Pantaleimon did not know Wildfire very well, worried her. "Is - is Wildfire okay?" Pan was swift to ask, even though Peregrine had already answered the question, mostly: 'nearly killed' meant she was alive, but not much more than that.
Peregrine went on to explain that nobody should tell anything to the outside world, something that weighed heavily on Pantaleimon's heart, for she was an awful liar. "W-why would there be consequences?" Pantaleimon asked uncomfortably. "I mean, I... This Junior wolf attacked first, right? She - we didn't do anything w-wrong, did we?" It felt strange talking as though Pantaleimon was a part of 'we', for she had visited Redtail Rise in the timespan that it had happened and had not been a part of the attack. Had she been, it was more likely that Pantaleimon had not been amongst the first to attack, anyway. There were others, doubtlessly, who were stronger and better warriors than she and less hesitant in battle.
"She'll recover," Peregrine confirmed, "though her throat was badly damaged. She can't—" His voice failed him as his breath caught in his chest. He took a moment to steady his voice, then continued in a slightly wavering tone, "She can't even talk right now. Eating and drinking are difficult. We're doing our best to look after her."
Naturally, Pan had some questions about the secrecy, which he tried to answer readily. "There are many wolves out there that might react poorly if they found out what happened to Junior. They wouldn't see it our way. They wouldn't care what she did, they'd just see that I killed my own daughter. Never mind that I did it to save my other, much more innocent daughter." Peregrine shook his head. "We don't need anyone coming here trying to raise hell about it. It's our business."
And it was their business to decide how to handle the circumstances. Fox wanted to dramatically alter their policies on outside visitation, which he mentioned now. "We're not allowing anyone from outside come anywhere near the caldera anymore. We can't trust anyone or take that risk. We learned that from my horrible mistake. As far as I know, Fox doesn't care if you still see outsiders on neutral lands... but the caldera is now a sacred fortress. Only pack are welcome here."
When Peregrine's voice faltered, Pantaleimon's ears folded back sadly while she tried to think of the right words to say, or the right things to do. It was devastating to see Peregrine like this. Pan listened as Peregrine said that other wolves might not understand. Pantaleimon supposed she understood, if the Junior wolf was part of a pack. They might be upset.
Wanting to know what pack to avoid so that she could not fail lying to them, Pantaleimon asked, "What, uhm... what pack was she from?" They might be angry, and it would be good to know if anyone came to the borders, or if she came upon a wolf in neutral territory, if they were of this Junior's pack. Pan would know to expect agression, if wolves would assume the worst. If she had a pack, then no doubt some wolves would know that she had come to the Caldera, right? Pantaleimon tended to tell a wolf or two about her departure, too. Especially if they knew that Peregrine was their father.
The thought that a wolf would see their own daughter attacking their other daughter was unthinkable to Pantaleimon. Pan nodded upon the instruction. "You... It w-wasn't your fault, Perry," Pantaleimon murmured softly, while looking away. Pan's icy silver eyes turned to Peregrine as she said: "Y-you... you couldn't possibly know..." There, Pan trailed off, and she gently nudged Peregrine's neck. No one could have predicted what would happen. It was easy to point fingers now, but ultimately, many wolves could've made the same mistake without knowing.
"I'm not sure, actually," Peregrine admitted hollowly. "She wasn't even living in the Teekon Wilds, as far as I knew, and then she popped up at my borders." He swallowed. "But if she's living anywhere, it would be with Blacktail Deer Plateau or with her sister, Saena. I'm not sure where she's settled." And now it didn't matter anymore. He wouldn't venture out to see where his palest daughter had sought her fortunes, nor would she be welcome when she inevitably showed up on his doorstep. Junior had ruined any chance at hospitable relations between the caldera and the rest of the world, though particularly Peregrine's adult children. He sighed.
Like most but Fox, Pan seemed to give Peregrine the benefit of the doubt. He appreciated it, even though it didn't stop him from blaming himself. "I should have known better than to bring a veritable stranger around my kids. How could I be so stupid?" he asked in an acerbically rhetorical tone. He heaved another sigh, then tensed when he felt a cool nose pressing against his neck.
Gently, he turned his head and returned the nudge. Even if he didn't deserve Pan's support, the gentle touch made Peregrine feel unexpectedly needy. Would Fox ever touch him like that again? He wasn't sure. He didn't even know where they stood. And though he felt guilty for it—he deserved no measure of comfort right now—he found himself leaning into his pale companion as tears of guilt and pain suddenly brimmed in his eyes. He couldn't let go like this in front of the kids, nor would he allow himself to break down this way in front of many of the other pack members, but he felt safe being vulnerable in front of Pantaleimon.
"Oh," Pantaleimon said when Peregrine mentioned that he did not know where his daughter had lived, or if she had been a lone wolf. Pantaleimon knew what had happened with Reek, and she thought to remember something about a Saena, but the two did not quite connect in her head just yet.
"My f-friend, uhm, Reek," Pantaleimon mumbled, not really willing to dump this upon Peregrine right now, but unable to help herself after her visit to Redtail Rise; "He... You a-attacked him, uhm, when he was helping Wildfire." Pantaleimon did not sound judgemental or like she thought Peregrine had done the wrong thing when she neutrally told him of what happened. She understood that a father would always protect his child. "I v-visited him, he... he says he's sorry." Pantaleimon felt a pit in her stomach when she lied to Peregrine and looked away, to the ground, drowning in guilt. She felt bad towards Reek, too, in whose name she spat out the lie. There was only one thing deeper, more important, than Pantaleimon's integrity, though; to make things alright between her two friends.
Peregrine's sudden emotions were unexpected, even though Pan perhaps should have expected it. When he leaned into Pantaleimon, she felt a flutter in her stomach that overpowered the overwhelming guilt she had felt there before.
"It's not your fault, Perry," Pantaleimon softly whispered -- how could Peregrine have known that his own daughter was a psycho? -- while she rested her nose against Peregrine's fur and could not help but find herself gently nibble the fur along his neck, trying to comfort him.
Between his self-loathing and his sudden neediness for a warm touch, Peregrine was a bit too preoccupied to address the information Pan offered about Reek. But even as he pressed closer to his pale companion, letting the tears flow freely, he thought back on the male's soft-spoken words. Did he even know a Reek? The name didn't ring any bells. He also didn't recollect attacking anyone recently, aside from Junior. He winced, eyes pinching shut, only to reopen a second later as he thought, Oh.
Now a righteous anger joined the already overwhelming cocktail of emotions. But he was too exhausted to humor it for long. All Peregrine said was, "I didn't attack your friend. I had no idea what he was doing with Wifi, so I was defensive at first. The instant I realized what was actually happening, I eased up... but he was already cussing me out. He called me a self-important douche-canoe." For some reason, that made him laugh. He drew in a breath, the crying ceasing as he sat up straighter.
"I put him in his place," he said a bit more steadily a few beats later. Peregrine fell silent for a long moment, then eventually added, "No one seems to think I have a right to act protective around my young. That's why it's necessary to keep this all a secret... because no one outside the caldera would see my side of the story. What the fuck is up with that?" he asked quietly, his tone rhetorical as he began to lean toward Pan again.
The moment was broken fairly sudden when Peregrine reacted to what Pantaleimon had said about Reek. Ears folded back in response to Peregrine's anger, for it felt sudden and misguided; Pantaleimon at least hoped the anger was meant for Reek, and not for herself. Pan had not intended to offer insult, and she wasn't sure if Peregrine was taking her words as insult, or if he was only angry at Reek again for what had happened back then. She had only hoped to diffuse the situation between Peregrine and Reek by saying that Reek was sorry... Even though he was about as apologetic about the whole situation as Peregrine was right now. Not much at all.
Lowering her head, Pantaleimon bit her lip as she murmured, "S-sorry, I... didn't mean to make you feel, uhm..." Pan looked away for a moment, and was confused when Peregrine leaned into Pan again. ".. Y'know... bad 'n stuff.." Pan murmured, the words soft and nearly a whisper as she wasn't really sure what to say at all. Nothing in the world would probably make Peregrine feel better right now.
"Wolves that judge like that are stupid," Pantaleimon mumbled while she leaned back into Peregrine. Well, the wolves that wouldn't understand Peregrine's right to defend his pups were, anyway. Okay, except maybe Reek, but that was just because he didn't know Peregrine personally and he wasn't a father yet. He'd understand once he had pups of his own, surely...
Peregrine shook his head lightly when Pan apologized. "You didn't. You actually make me feel better," he admitted, a note of guilt in his voice. "Which I don't deserve, no matter what anybody says." He felt an overwhelming urge to distance himself from his companion as he spoke, to force himself away from this source of comfort. Yet he couldn't bring himself to move yet. He would indulge just a few minutes longer...
"Thank you for saying that," the former Alpha murmured, letting more of his weight settle against the other male. Their mismatched fur mingled and Peregrine drew comfort from the soft warmth. He sighed lightly, lingering there for a few breaths before he finally peeled himself away. He didn't deserve Pan's consolation. If anyone deserved a hug from Pan, it was the daughter he'd almost gotten killed.
Suddenly remembering that Pan had called him here, Peregrine recollected aloud, "You called for me earlier." Perhaps he had already answered whatever questions Pan had for him, though perhaps not. Maybe this had all been an unexpected distraction from the white male's original purpose for summoning him. It was quite possible that Peregrine wouldn't be able to help him, though, if the question was meant for an Alpha.
Pantaleimon swallowed dryly when Peregrine apologised, saying that Pan did not make him feel bad. It felt like she had, but it was true that she was, well, trying. Pantaleimon did not know what she could say to make it better, and so she just leaned against Peregrine, finding some comfort of her own in the soft contact. Pantaleimon closed her eyes and smiled softly while Peregrine thanked her for her words.
When Peregrine peeled himself away from Pantaleimon, she reopened her eyes and leaned away slightly, not wanting to give the impression she was too needy for contact, and reminding herself instantly about Peregrine's mate, however complicated things were right now, when she felt the longing for the warmth of his fur again.
Pan's first reaction to Peregrine's question was a blank expression and blinking eyes while she tried to remember. After a few seconds of lingering silence she answered quickly, "Oh! Uhm... Nothing specific, I - I just... It was a while since, uhm, you know... We'd... seen each other, s-so I..." Pantaleimon trailed off there, because she had no real other reason, except just wanting to see Peregrine. She searched for the right words to say, but somehow they just didn't come to the forefront of her mind.
It turned out that Pan didn't want anything specific, besides the pleasure of Peregrine's company. Of course, he wasn't exactly in the right state of mind for providing fellowship. Pan had probably come looking for the caldera's Alpha in all his glory, after all, and instead he got this miserable shadow. While Peregrine appreciated being sought in such a way, he knew his company was wretched right now. Perhaps, given time, he would be able to provide the amity Pan deserved. Right now, though...
"I'm sorry, I'm not very good company right now. But I'd like to spend more time with you, Pan," Peregrine said in a soft but earnest tone. "Once some of this blows over..." Not that he really thought it would, at least anytime soon. "I'd like to spend more time with you and get to know you better, if you're still interested." He paused for several seconds, then exhaled and said, "Right now, I'd better get back to Wifi and the other kids."
He rose slowly, like an old man with the weight of the world on his shoulders. He was carrying quite a burden, though nothing he hadn't brought on himself. Peregrine paused, then reached out for one last touch. His nose pressed into the side of Pan's neck. He then turned and began picking his way back to the rendezvous site, so Fox could keep an eye on him while he made sure he was around for the pups.
Pantaleimon's expression fell when Peregrine said that he was not good company right now, and that he should head back to his family. Of course he should head back to his family. What a silly thought, Pan thought to herself, to think that he might want to spend time with a weird, stammering fool. "I uhm, I understand," Pan mumbled while she looked away, trying to swallow her disappointment and the bitter feeling of rejection.
Peregrine suddenly looked old when he rose to leave, and Pantaleimon felt guilty for feeling the way she did, for selfishly wanting him to be here with her rather than with his family, where he belonged.
Wordlessly, Pantaleimon accepted the last nuzzle in the side of her neck. A shiver ran down her spine while she watched Peregrine leave, remaining where she was in silent acceptance of his departure. When he had left, Pantaleimon suddenly felt empty. Reek had found a mate and was settling down, and Peregrine already had a mate and children to go to. And there she sat in silence, all alone, when all she really longed for was the company of one of these wolves.