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The group settles for the night in one of the almost-caves, and Zephyr invites @Taikon with him to scout ahead, to check for danger before they sleep. He doesn't actually feel like company right now, but two is safer than one, and he's wary of the cougar making an appearance again. With a child in tow, it seems more likely than ever.
He enjoys the silence, for a time. It gives him an opportunity to think, to really start to process all that has happened over the last week. It all seems so... ridiculously tragic. Dramatic moves in a life-sized game of chess, all the sharp twists and turns of a story weaved to shock and entertain. His life seems like a cruel joke in the cold aftermath, spelled out in more simple terms. It's just too tragic, too perfectly miserable. As if it'd all been orchestrated. Maybe this is the will of the Daedra. Eventually his thoughts fill his head, and start to spill out into the silence between them. Do you think... things happen for a reason? Or is it all just random? A basic question, perhaps, but it's the first one that had come to mind, and the first one to slip out. He glances to Taikon, more lucid now than he's been since they met, waiting for a response.

If Takiyok hadn't had a serious head injury, he would have joyfully pointed out the irony of her bringing a little girl along with them for the ride. Taikon needed to try to be as much of a pillar of stability as he could be. This was challenging, as his fear of having people fucking die on him had increased tenfold now that he had two injured women and a child to keep an eye on.
Both Zephyr and Takiyok were holding strong. They were hardly fragile animals, but he worried that if they pushed themselves too hard, their injuries would worsen. He needed everyone to be strong enough to fight together against the cat if it returned. Any mountain lion would be insane to try to take on three adult wolves, even if two of them had their heads out of whack.
Taikon and Zephyr scanned the perimeter, leaving Takiyok to watch over young Taktuq. He was actually pleased that even though the circumstances were dire, that at least they had found her and could offer her support. Takiyok had quickly switched into mothering mode, and he was glad she had something to distract her from being upset and angry at.. whatever it was she was angry at.
His eyes were alight, searching hard for signs of danger. His nose inhaled regularly, noting anything that smelled remotely of other animals. Occasionally, he would stop to smell scat and make sure it was from something other than a cat or another predator.
Zephyr then asked a question that gave him pause. He hadn't expected anything like that. She had been all over the place since he had found her the night of her rescue. He glanced toward her, meeting her eyes very briefly before looking back ahead of him. He considered the questions carefully, tilting his head and nodding, as though having an internal conversation with himself. After a bit, he answered.
I'd love to know whose idiotic reasons things happen for if that's actually a thing. I think it's just some order that we don't really understand, and so it looks random when shit isn't going your way, he said, sighing and shaking his head. There were many, many cultures who believed that one or many assholes was looking in on things, pulling the strings like some fantastical puppeteer. That all seemed like garbage to him.

It isn't quite the answer he'd been expecting, but he finds himself agreeing. If some entity is behind all of this, orchestrating it under a cloak of invisibility — then surely that being is more twisted than even Zephyr. But the thought is freeing, somehow. If the Daedra are truly behind everything, if this is all by their will —
Then is he truly responsible for what he has become?

He keeps that to himself. So... you think it's planned? He asks, seeking to clarify. Or... a pattern? That would make sense, wouldn't it? A cycle. His life has always seemed that way — an endlessly turning wheel of gain and loss, love and hate, fire and ice. Behind that wheel, he imagines the Daedra, spinning his fate endlessly in threads of ice blue and blood red.

No. Do you? He typically didn't judge people who were hardcore into their religions. Most people hadn't grown up with his strange upbringing that had exposed him to all kinds of stupid, magical, mythical crap. The way he had seen his mother weaponize beliefs had convinced him they were delusions that were not helpful to society, except for those who understood them and desired power. Taikon had also seen people who had nothing else to cling to stick to whatever they thought about the world outside of theirs. To Taikon, this escapism made the most sense to him.
Technically everything is a pattern, isn't it? I'm trying to think of something that's actually random, and I can't, he said, thinking hard, making a face while he did it. Everything had seasons. Everything had its twists and turns. Rivers had flows. Flowers had designs. Even rain when it fell was more likely to fall and collect in some places more than others.

He shrugs in response to the returned question. I'm not sure what I think. Sometimes it all seems a little too perfectly awful — like someone had to have planned it. But I don't know, He's just some kid from the wilds, a product of survival instinct and bone-deep loneliness. He'd grown up outside the confines of society, and for all the flaws and strengths that it has given him, he most mourns the sense of purpose he's never truly found. Perhaps if he'd stayed with his family, or if he'd had a different family entirely, he would know the answers to these questions. Maybe he'd know the path forward, or at least have some idea of what it might look like. Maybe things just seem like patterns because we see them that way. If we didn't see patterns, then nothing would make sense, and we'd all go crazy — so what if we just see it that way so we don't go crazy? What if... it's planned and random? Maybe all of us are just slaves to the whims of the universe or something. Maybe something is in charge, and it's every bit as selfish and volatile as the wolves it controls. It's a lot of thinking, for a boy so used to acting first. It's a bit of a strain his current state, but he's following the line of thought obsessively now, unable to let go of it.

It was extraordinarily rare for Taikon to meet and talk to people who had any interest in discussions like this one. Usually, he was the one who went on some rant and someone would either cut him off, or he would realize how boring he sounded and promptly apologize. One of the benefits of being a prince was that he had grown up with several mentors, people who often challenged his ideas of thought. His time alone as well had given him many, many hours of intense rumination on his ideas. One of the things he liked about discussions of thought were that they had no goal, no end, and could constantly change his mind.
Zephyr went on, audibly moving through her own thought process, talking about patterns. Hm, I guess it depends if patterns have to be seen to exist. Like the classic 'if a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound if there's no one to hear it?' conundrum.
He had to think more about the idea of being slaves to the universe. Technically, it didn't really matter whether someone was controlling things or not. The reality was that the universe defined many aspects of their lives. He frowned. I guess in that case, we're fighting against the current all the time, fighting for stability when shit's been rigged, he grunted pessimistically, hoping that this just wasn't how things were. He would have liked to just assume his life had been how it was because he'd been unlucky.
There had certainly been moments when everything just seemed too awful for poor luck to be likely.

He's never heard the classic conundrum Taikon speaks of, but he can follow the train of thought well enough. The way the man keeps up with the conversation so easily is endearing to him, a trait he's never seen in anyone before. He speaks so easily, so intelligently. Like he was born to do it. Ugly green envy flashes through him, and then a hint of something else — something warmer, gold-tinged. But seeing something doesn't mean it exists, He counters, not arguing — actually, he's rather excited by where the conversation is going, and it shows in the subtlest ways. The light in his eyes, the way he speaks with a touch more warmth and enthusiasm. Or even hearing or feeling it. So we can't really be sure anything exists the way we perceive it. Maybe it's all just a dream, or a hallucination — or some weird game we don't understand because we're in the middle of it. Maybe fighting is pointless. He pauses, thinking about it. Actually, that's not what I mean. I don't think I could ever stop trying for stability. But maybe thinking of it as a fight is... wrong. If things are out of our control, then it isn't really a fight. We're just along for the ride.

But seeing something doesn't mean it exists, she said. He glanced toward her, considering it carefully. One could argue that indeed, existence was meaningless or even impossible if nothing existed to observe it. Taikon supposed it might depend on how you define existence. He knew, for instance, that his world did not exist in the same way it did for Zephyr. Takiyok lived in her own world, too. Thus, their worlds existing was dependent on them and their ability to view it with a perspective.
He thought about this between her sentences, thinking that while there was no way to know what actual "existence" meant, the only thing they could really be sure of what their version of experience.
He stayed quiet while she spoke, though, curious to hear her voice instead of his own for a change. He frowned and looked at her when she mentioned fighting the current they were talking about might be pointless. When she finished her thought, he licked his lips, looking up toward the trees, and the sky beyond. Along for the ride. I like that, he said calmly. Although, whenever I've met people who just 'go with the flow,' they're usually pieces of shit. I don't know if that's the right way to go, he said, twisting his expression.

He shakes his head slightly at Taikon's last words. No, you're right — life isn't really worth much if you don't believe in something, whether things are random or not, and beliefs aren't worth anything if you won't stand up for them, This is a strong conviction of his, one burned into him countless times through tragic circumstance. He thinks of Kavik, bitterly, then pushes the thought away. This conversation is a good one, and he won't let that thought ruin it. But — maybe that's what we're meant to do? It isn't a fight at all if this is what we were made for — our exact paths might not follow any plan or pattern, but maybe there's a pattern to be found in following our own nature. Or... more like a balance. We all impose our individual nature on the world and each other, pushing for what we want, and it shapes our realities, and we're all so different that in the end it balances out. He takes a breath, a little stunned by the depth of his own thought. I guess that's why it seems like a fight. If it's always balanced, it'll never really seem like it's going our way.

Taikon listened, and thought about what he believed in. He thought about the things he liked to think he stood for. Freedom of thought was the reason he had been cast out of Sagtannet. It was also the facade of this freedom why his mother probably still ruled over the Farukan Kingdom, unless one of her other sons had succeeded her. He had also begun to realize that compassion seemed to run many aspects of his life. Some, like his mother, viewed this as weakness. It was why Zephyr and he were talking. A less compassionate wolf would have let her wander on, considering only their own well-being instead of hers. Taikon wondered if, now that they had rescued Taktuq from further violence, that Takiyok might view his decision to bring Zephyr along differently.
What we were made for. Taikon was made to rule a kingdom that he now had no claim to. He had been born with someone else's purpose in mind, and he had long outgrown the possibility.
She spoke of balance. Of the patterns in their own nature. Of the way they collided, strung together like a great tapestry, threads in every colour that when zoomed out, appeared a muddy and balanced grey and brown.
Taikon sighed. Her thoughts were a strange new voice on a part of himself he hadn't bothered to touch in a long time. He slowed his pace, distracted now, unable to spot the nuances of potential danger. He watched her gaze, noticed a coldness to the metal of their colour. For a moment, she stole his breath. If it's always balanced, then there's no colour in the world, he added quietly.

If it's always balanced, then there's no color in the world.
But that's not quite true, is it? The whole world is made up of colors in the brightest shades, a tapestry of rainbow-splashed experiences. The colors aren't always good or kind, but they're there. It just takes focus to see them. There's color everywhere, if you look close enough, His own steps slow to a halt, voice soft. His next words are barely above a whisper, tinged with the same warmth slowly creeping into his gaze. I see it in you. So many different colors, it's overwhelming. He reaches out before he realizes what he's doing, stepping closer and pressing a tentative kiss to Taikon's jaw. His heart is suddenly racing, head light, and he can't think about anything beyond this moment.

Mmh, he said, nodding in agreement. If you could just have the perspective and knowledge to look close enough, doubtless you could see brilliance in the world, even if at first glance it appeared grey. There was beauty if you had the wherewith-all to find it, coupled with the desire to look for it. They had stopped without him realizing it. And then, then she met him, fully, with her eyes. Taikon saw a window to something deeply beautiful in those eyes. He saw a rare and incredible voice, an intense longing to know, to explore, and... even conquer. She stepped closer to him, and he felt his breath halt. Briefly, he felt her against him, and the scent of ice and stone flowed through him.
A smile, warm, happy, blissful even, came to him. It scared him, but he knew that fear. Going along for the ride, Taikon moved his muzzle beside hers and leaned into it, so that for a moment longer, he might feel her against him in this most indulgent way.

Taikon leans into the touch, a bright burst of summer hues trailing a warm afterglow over Zephyr's heart. It isn't enough, of course. He presses closer, bodily now, fur mingling. Intoxicated by the feeling, he continues to press kisses along the man's jaw, working his way down to his neck. Heat coils in his belly, rich autumn swirls now, drawing a faint, breathy whine from him. He isn't thinking about anything — Takiyok and his mother and Phillip and his family waiting for him at home, all of those simply vanish. Only he and Taikon exist right now, as far as he's concerned.

She pressed closer to him, further, more. Something old and delightful and disgusting and corrupt flooded his mind. He thought about all of it, and it threatened to distract him. Yet Zephyr is delicious, knowing exactly how to play him, exactly how to find her way under his armour. He exhaled sharply, her voice taunting him even though he knew that leaving the others could be dangerous. He knew they were meant to be on some kind of mission. Something that was not about... colours.
Zephyr found her way seamlessly into his mind, and when she ran kisses along his neck, he mirrored her. Such heat was something he hadn't felt in years. She was like nothing, like no one, he had ever encountered before. He fell to the tonic — or toxin — she offered easily. It was all play for a time, and then he wanted her — but he was a polite soul. Taikon looked for an exit from this strange, decadent world she had created. I-I... we shouldn't... He said. But his eyes were begging her. Pleading her. He could feel her breath on his coat, and he quivered.

Her touches were tender, and she was beautiful. Inner turmoil confused him as he thought about his perversion for a moment. It left with her voice, and once more he was transported to a world anew. The okay was all he needed to plunge him into hedonistic oblivion.

His breath felt heavy. He felt strange.
It had been a very long time since he had felt anything like that. For a while, his thoughts were faded, foggy, as though he was the one with the head injury. It all felt like the weirdest dream he had ever had.
He exhaled heavy and laughed, truly happy. Taikon moved back to Zephyr's side and bumped her with his shoulder, playfully nipping at one of her large ears. He felt simultaneously purified and guilty. He knew they would need to head back soon, whether or not they completed their "patrol."

The aftermath is a peachy haze, rose-tinted glass frosted over and separating him from the world. Taikon's laugh reaches him distantly, bringing a soft smile to his features, ears fluttering back briefly in acknowledgement. When he feels the touch at his side again, Taikon's shoulder against him, he turns to bury his face into the man's fur for a moment. He wishes they could stay like this forever — but he knows they can't.
I've never felt like this with anyone before — this... connection, He says when he finally pulls away, feeling the familiar prickle of discomfort that comes with verbalizing his emotions. It makes him want to shut the conversation down, tell Taikon to forget he'd said anything. For all the ease Zephyr had felt earlier, emotions are a completely different territory — one he only truly feels comfortable traversing with @Phillip. Still, he tries. I... And fails. Shit.
Suddenly something occurs to him — a little belatedly, perhaps. He'd never corrected Taikon about his gender. He swallows, tensing with sudden nerves, and steps away slightly to meet golden eyes. There's something I need to tell you — I'm used to everyone around me knowing. I forgot. I'm... not a woman. I know I look and smell like one, but — maybe I was born wrong, or something happened to me. I don't know. I know I'm a guy, though. And he's kicking himself for not revealing it sooner — not for any reasons like Taikon's possible sexuality. Zephyr hasn't yet encountered the concept, and instead he only worries that the man will not accept him, that Taikon will insist he's a woman, and it will hurt much more now than it would have when he was a stranger.

There was a glee in him that he thought had been abandoned long ago. For a moment, the guilt that so often followed his actions kept a healthy distance while he felt her press her face against him. What had been heat transformed into a warm, beautiful embrace that alarmed him with its innocence. She spoke as though she had never been loved properly by anyone before, yet he knew from her reactions and recklessness that she was no girl in such regards.
As Zephyr pulled away, Taikon maintained an airy smile, emanating with joy. Me neither, he breathed, the earth around them slowly coming back into focus. She started and stopped when she tried to voice what she was feeling, but he didn't push her.
It looked almost as though she was worried when she stepped away from him. He saw anxiety in her, and he wondered if she had immediately regretted her decision. Perhaps he was a poor lover, or maybe she, too, was holding onto many years of guilt that surrounded desire. He stood there, listening with kind eyes. Waiting.
"I'm... not a woman." Taikon blinked. Huh?
"I know I'm a guy, though."
There were many things that Taikon had learned about in his youth. Knowledge had been the basis of the Faruka customs and value system, and he had learned much about certain topics. Religion. War. Politics. Nature. And, even topics relating to sexuality. Gender, however, had been a speck on a large radar, something he had encountered as an idea but had never actually fleshed out. And so, when Zephyr revealed that she believed herself to be a he, Taikon wasn't sure what to do.
For a moment, he opened his mouth a few times and closed it like he was going to say something. He tensed up all over, confused, unsure. He had spent the last several days thinking of her as a woman, calling her a woman, damn near falling the fuck in love with her, and what did this mean?
Considering the act they had just performed, he was... pretty sure... she had.. he had? the parts. She He smelled strongly to him as women did. Taikon had also only ever been able to form relationships that meant anything with women since he had left the Farukan Kingdom. I.. wh..
He had never heard of an animal that looked and smelled female but was actually male. What.. What does that even mean? Taikon had, to be honest, never really considered there to be much of a difference between men and women. Everyone seemed to be an asshole, and men typically didn't like him because he was confusing or insubordinate. I-I'm sorry I've just, never heard of anything like that. So you're... you're a woman on the outside.. but you're a man on the inside? What the.. what's even the difference? He was very tempted to curse, but after the last time he had cursed around her him had gone so poorly, he was worried he might set her him off again.
He was wildly confused, and stepped away from her him (fuck), open mouthed.

It's not a reaction he expects, but he isn't surprised by it, either. He's learned by now that there are three kinds of people — those who simply accept it (his favorites, of course), those who question it, and those who outright deny it. Taikon seems to fall into the middle category. It isn't the worst reaction, but it isn't what he'd wanted. His ears fall back against his crown, flattening as the man speaks. The slightest cringe draws Zephyr's body back when Taikon steps away, increasing the distance between them by millimeters. After how close he'd allowed him, after the bond they'd formed, everything that comes out of the pale wolf's mouth strikes Zephyr with razor edges.
I just can't think of myself as a woman, He says when he finally finds his voice again, hating how shaky it is. He wants his coldness back, his mask of ice to hide the scarlet rawness beneath, but Taikon already burned it all away in the moments before this, and now he's left exposed. I tried, when I realized people see me differently than I see myself, but it never worked. I can't tell you why, or what the difference is — I guess others could. People who believe that women should do certain things and men should do other things. I don't. I just know what I am. A pause. I'm sorry if that... makes you not like me anymore. He really, really is.

He could tell it wasn't the reaction she he wanted. Taikon felt tense, and weird and uncomfortable, not because he had been intimate with a person who thought of themselves as a man, but because this was information he didn't know how to process. Actually, he was annoyed that s...he appeared to have hid the information from him until she he got what he wanted. Taikon remembered that Zephyr had a head injury, and sure, maybe it was true that she he had indeed forgotten and wasn't intentionally trying to confuse the ever living shit out of him.
Part of him wanted to argue. Men and women didn't really do different things, other than maybe bear children. Taikon supposed that maybe motherly instincts were also things strictly related to women, but knew that he had felt such things for kids that weren't even his own, so that also seemed.. stupid. Despite his discomfort, Taikon noticed that Zephyr was shaken by all of it, and clearly he hadn't done this intentionally to freak out the pallid male.
Of course, on brand for a boy or a woman (it didn't actually matter), Zephyr ended his explanation for himself with a statement that was fishing for approval. Even though Taikon saw it, he still felt guilty, again, for making her him feel this way. Taikon frowned, stepping back toward Zephyr, struggling with his own perception of his... lover.
Of course I still like you, for f.. come on, he said, still struggling not to curse. I just... this is... he made a face. This is the weirdest post-coital conversation I've ever had. He said, and let the ridiculous statement sink in, finally bursting into an almost tittering laughter. He wasn't trying to belittle her him (seriously), it just was truly one of the strangest things that anyone had ever said to him. He needed to process it, to think about these new ideas.

The brewing storm of his emotions starts to calm when Taikon denies that his feelings have changed, closing the distance between them again. Zephyr wants to reach out, to end the conversation here and forget it — but that isn't how this works. He feels guilty now, burning with a deep-rooted shame that has been growing since the start of this conversation; he knows he should have brought this up sooner. Still, Taikon's last comment and the laugh that follows draw a similar reaction from him, a soft, shaky chuckle. I'm sorry, He says, ears still slicked back against his skull. I didn't expect any of this — I would've told you, if I had. Sometimes people argue with me about it, or tell me I'm disgusting — I wouldn't have wanted to get this far and then find out that I'm disgusting to you. I just... didn't think about it. I'm sorry. He repeats the apology more fervently this time, ears burning with shame, and seeks to meet Taikon's eyes.

Although Taikon's brain was short circuiting as he tried to rewrite the way he looked at Zephyr, he realized that the strangeness was partially because it didn't actually matter what ...he... was. One of the reasons why he felt so weird about it was because he was realizing that if Zephyr had presented himself as a man on the outside, it seemed very unlikely that Taikon would have been so attracted to ...him... from the start. However, he still would have helped a person in need. He still would have thought ...him... attractive.
Zephyr held ...his.. (fuck why was this so impossible) ears against his head even while Taikon spoke words of attempted encouragement and humour. Once more, Taikon made a face as Zephyr mentioned he hadn't really expected what had happened to happen. Taikon shook his head a bit, agreeing that indeed, he hadn't expected it either, and he certainly hadn't thought that he would be bedding a man when he left Takiyok with her niece.
Ah, shit. Taki.
Zephyr went on, fishing even more, and Taikon sighed, shaking his head again. You're not disgusting. I mean, unless I'm disgusting. He paused, considering it. He did, actually, think of himself as disgusting in more ways than one, but that wasn't the point. He met her his eyes. The cool indifference normally in Zephyr's gaze was instead something decidedly boyish and ashamed. We'll go with: we're both disgusting. We left an injured woman and kid to wander off and.. he took the last step closer to her him so that he could feel her his fur against his own again. He dipped his nose to nuzzle Zephyr's ear and face tenderly. It actually didn't fucking matter it she was a he or vice versa. He was starting to realize it didn't actually matter with anyone, and whatever ideas he'd thought about not being able to create friendships and relationships with men were ridiculous and unfounded. Rather than having a turmoil of thought surrounding Zephyr's gender, Taikon was instead more distracted with his own skewed view of the world, which a gender swapping lover had shattered in minutes.
He knew they would need to talk about what they had done and what it meant. He was afraid that Takiyok would notice them missing, and considered postponing such a talk. For the moment, he stayed present with Zephyr, comforting him as best he could.

Taikon's words are a jolting reminder, another reason to feel guilty about this whole thing. Still, Zephyr appreciates the reassurance he offers; he hadn't expected it, had only offered the information as an explanation, a reason why he didn't want things to happen this way. Such feelings have become a part of his every day life, but that doesn't mean he likes it. It makes him feel a little better to have it confirmed out loud, though he isn't thinking about that now. Instead, he's kicking himself.
Oh, shit — I forgot about them, His voice is anxious, guilty, exposed in a way few wolves get to see. Yet he leans into the touch anyway, soaking up all that he can get while the moment lasts. There's a feeling swelling within him, something he can't quite place. All he knows is that he suddenly fiercely wants to make Taikon smile, to protect him from any harm that may come, to be able to press into his touch any time he wants. It's a startling feeling — and the strangest part is, he feels no possessiveness with the thought. He would not want to try to stifle such a bright soul with something like ownership. For what Taikon has given him here, Zephyr realizes he won't be able to help but return it tenfold. No matter where their paths lead from here, together or apart, he'll always need to be there for him now. He can feel it in his soul, in those glowing summer threads the pale wolf has already woven into its center.
We should go back. I think we went far enough. Sorry I got us so... distracted. He offers a sheepish half-smile, trying to cover the abrupt depth of his feelings. For once, he isn't very good at hiding it.

Taikon snorted out a laugh at the declaration that Zephyr had also completely forgotten about their two charges. Takiyok would not be impressed with him in this moment of sheepish romance. She wasn't impressed with a lot of things.
There was a beautifully warm moment that passed between them. It felt as though they were holding a small, fluttering bird as their hearts beat together. There was a hint at possibilities, at a new life. This scared him. Taikon tried to hold onto the purity of the feeling, but he knew that reality would come back again. They had forged a strange, multicoloured strand in a tapestry, and now it was time to zoom out again and realize there may not even be room for it. He didn't know what the future held. He didn't know how to make a plan. He already made a plan before with Takiyok, but that plan hadn't involved any of the shit they were dealing with.
Taikon nodded as Zephyr mentioned they should head back, pulling away slowly from him. His lips curved into a smirk as he remembered their escapade and intense conversation, his body still buzzing with excitement over it. Well don't take all the credit, he joked, bumping him again with his shoulder and trotting forward, back toward the camp. They had failed quite terribly to properly scout, but hopefully the camp hadn't burned down in their absence. He addressed the silvery boy again, still grinning stupidly. Maybe we can talk about.. you know, what this means.. after we get to your woods. When everyone's safe, he added, glancing at her him, hoping he would be okay with postponing something more 'serious.'