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+--- Thread: sucks to be you (/showthread.php?tid=10770)
sucks to be you - Nanuk - August 27, 2015
Time had passed in a manner both slow and fast. The she-wolf could no longer say how much time had passed between now and then. The image of Kanik, of Wicked, flashed across her vision, stark whites and reds and feelings of anger so deep that it sought to consume her. But she was not mad at the male, or even at the coyotes; her rage was directed inward now, consuming her thoughts until she wasn't sure who she was any longer. It was no amnesia but perhaps she wished it were, knowing in her heart of hearts that she no longer deserved the rank or role she had taken up here at the Spire. Her utter failure would not be forgotten and she would not allow it to, even if others forgave the grievous mistake.
Such were her thoughts as she stood at the borders, gold eyes peering out over the lands the stretched beyond the reach of the peaks the wolves of Tartok had claimed. And that too, she would shed, worthy of its honor no more. More and more, she had ventured away from the Spire, trying to decipher her own thoughts now. She had failed to protect a new member, and had allowed the endangerment of the Alpha pairs pups, something no self-respecting Warden, or Beta for that matter, would have allowed. Over the days since the attack, her mind circled around one, simple decision and the more she weighed her thoughts and her error, the more she knew it was the right one.
Her call was short, wanting no more attention than the one she had called for, especially not from anyone other than her own aokkatti, @Iqniq.
RE: sucks to be you - Iqniq - August 27, 2015
A call rang out. Short. Sweet. He recognized the voice. Nanuk was back. He dropped everything and ventured towards their borders. Had she found something on her adventures that she needed help with? He hoped so. Their caches needed lots of restocking. A worthy kill would be smiled upon right about now. Truth be told, he wasn't sure how she might have managed such a thing on her own, but she'd encountered a number of loners here and there who were always willing to help for a solid meal.
Somewhat eager now that he was certain of her reason for lingering on the borders, hastened his step and descended their precarious mountain. Even with a bit of speed, he was still slowed by the jagged slopes, but all in all he made good time and neared her location.
"Nanuk! You're back," he greeted, a wag in his tail that faltered only for a moment when he realized she didn't have anything with her, but he was pleased to see her all the same. He was going a bit stir crazy in his head, so it was nice to have a familiar face worth talking to once more. "Have fun out there?"
RE: sucks to be you - Nanuk - August 28, 2015
He was quick to show and for that, the wolf was thankful. She had nothing to offer him in his approach and nothing to even begin to make up for her mistake. Her companion's question about fun drew nothing but a thin, grim smile from her, a vastly different demeanor about her. Her posture reflected the rank befit a lowly subordinate or loner, because for all she had tried, she was not cut out to be part of a team.
She had to burst his bubble, and did so without beating around the bush. "I cannot stay here. I have failed every wolf who lives within the Spire, and I have failed your children." She had thought over and over how she could have missed the coyotes, how she could have let them slip by. The answer was simple: she had not been attentive enough. There was nothing more blatantly obvious than that.
"I do not deserve the rank of Beta, or the honor of Tartok. I must remove myself from both." The words hung heavily in the air, dropped like the bomb they were.
RE: sucks to be you - Iqniq - August 28, 2015
His question went unanswered as he noticed the somberness that fell over her. This version of her was not the flippant, brash being he was so familiar with. Something was bothering her and that very same something was causing her normally quick tongue to slow. His tail lowered slowly as her thin smile suggested she was about to say something important, but also something he did not wish to hear.
There it was. That admission that he too felt given their recent failings with letting the coyotes so close to the heart of their home. Their constant patrols had failed. Their repeated efforts at keeping their home safe and secure had only proven to be an illusion that had shattered the moment those coyotes outwitted them by sneaking so close to everything they considered valuable as a pack. That they'd lost one of their own was another twist of the knife to the heart. To their pride. To everything they'd been trying so hard to accomplish.
He held his silence until she had finished. She was convinced she'd failed. In his own way, he too was convinced of his own failings at the very same thing. If circumstances had been different, he too might have tossed in the towel of his own resignation, but his children held him to this mountain. In them, he was clinging to the remnants of his pride and hoping, very deeply, that they might somehow restore his faith in himself.
Nanuk had none of that. No ties save the bond they'd forge between them. But the words she spoke? She not only wished to shed rank, but Tartok too. He understood it. The weight of this world was a heavy burden. Duty and obligation overshadowed the needs of the individual. The sense of self and self worth was lost in shadow.
He broke. He rushed her then, pressing the bulk of his weight against her as he leveraged his teeth and paws and body to pin her beneath him. His form lingered over her own, her back against the ground as he buried the flat top of his muzzle within the fur of her neck and nuzzled her with all the brotherly affection he could muster. "Don't go..." he whispered. His thoughts in that moment were purely selfish. He understood her desire to break free of these chains, but she was the one who grounded him. "Don't go..."
RE: sucks to be you - Nanuk - August 29, 2015
Gonna keep this short. I don't know what's going to happen here and I just want her first reactions.
He rushed her and almost immediately, her hackles raised and her teeth bared in her readiness to defend herself, the thought that he would turn on her flashing through her head. He knew she was not a creature of passion or affection, her displays of the latter often rough and/or painful, and so surely, he must have figured that she would not know how to react but even that was an understatement in this moment. He pinned her, the she-wolf frozen as he dove for her throat, expecting the worst.
And yet there was none of that, physical pain absent as he pleaded with her to stay. Stunned, the bearish wolf remained quiet and still as he snuggled her. "I can't..." Even her own voice cracked, though if that was due to emotion or the fact that his forehead rest against her throat, it was unknown. "I am of no use here; My shortsightedness endangered all of us and lost us one of our own." There was pain now, blossoming in her chest, pain that she tried to shut down and wall off. She could not handle her own failure, for never had she performed so miserably in her life.
RE: sucks to be you - Iqniq - August 30, 2015
He ignored her defensive teeth as he lathered her with his own version of brotherly affection. A nudge. A sniff. A lick of his tongue here and there as he made small, physical promises and gestures as to how much her furry white ass meant to him. No amount of bitchiness or sass could dissuade him away from the wolf he'd come to know as a good friend. Nanuk or Kroc or whatever she wished to call herself was a very important wolf within his world. He didn't say it much, but here and now, when it counted, he wasn't going to let her forget how much he appreciated her.
She spoke. The words upon her lips were echoes of sentiment he was feeling about himself. "I know," he said softly, relenting on his affection, but not moving from her. With Nanuk trapped beneath his body he could cling to the illusion that she would stay. He wasn't moving until they'd said all there was to be said. "I failed him too."
Kanik's loss stung hard. There'd been promise in his youthful energy and though they'd not met but upon a couple of occasions, taking him in had felt something akin to adopting another son. He'd seen in that wolf what he wished to see in his own children when they were grown. While Nanuk had never spoken of family, it was clear to him that she too felt strongly about that wolf. His loss had been sudden. It had been unexpected. It was something that could have, no, should have been prevented. And they'd failed. They'd all failed.
"You. Me. The rest of the pack." He turned his eyes elsewhere as he searched for the words. "We patrol. We hunt. We guard. We defend." These were all things she knew. "We've done all of those things as diligently as we can given this new terrain, but we don't really understand our new home." No... It was evident now they didn't know this place at all. "That coyote attack wasn't natural. They don't form groups that large unless they're hunting and never to go after wolves. None of us would have considered anything like that. Don't you dare place the blame all on you. We are all equally guilty of it."
He exhaled sharply. His teeth grit for just a moment in his anger. She wasn't allowed to shoulder the blame for any of it. She hadn't invited the coyotes here anymore than the next wolf. "You weren't shortsighted then, but you will be now if you leave us. There is no wolf in this pack who guards borders quite so well as you. Walk out now and you leave our defenses weaker than before and wide open for any predator to pick off whoever they please." His words were sharp, crisp.
"You want to make amends? You want to give Kanik's sacrifice meaning? You stay here. You suck it up, throw away your self-pity, and give it all a reason to make things better. Damn it, Kroc. You are beta here. Running away fixes nothing. It makes it worse. Stop throwing yourself a pity party and start leading expeditions through the Spire so every wolf knows this land from top to bottom and back again. And if you can't do that for yourself? Do it for me."
RE: sucks to be you - Nanuk - September 07, 2015
His words, while true, did not lift the weight from her shoulders. To fail was one thing, but they had lost a packmate in the process, one that had been new but had started to grow on her. Natural or not, the scavengers had taken from them what no wolf had accomplished and such was a heavy, disruptive weight. He was right that her leave would weaken defenses and leave the pups more at risk. This truth made her hesitate, pause, even when she felt she should relinquish the moniker and honor that came with Tartok.
Surprisingly, more than that, it was his consistent imploring that she stay. Kroc had never found a wolf with which she belonged in any way and to have one now was foreign to her. But the bond between them had been sealed and she knew to break it was to cast even her own sense of self as abandonment was something she could never do to her aokkatti.
With a resigned and heavy sigh, the pale wolf nodded, accepting his words in her silence. She wasn't quite sure what to say so she did not say anything at all. What settled over her now was a cold and resolute determination. More than ever before, the polar bear would throw herself into her work and protect those that remained within the Spire.
RE: sucks to be you - Iqniq - September 07, 2015
She went still beneath him as she listened. He spoke, monologuing for what felt like forever until he finally ran out of words. The unnatural silence hung between them for a while longer before eventually she settled with a nod. Well then. That was that. He lingered for a few moments more before he peeled off of her and let her up.
Standing off to the side, he regarded her with narrowed eyes. "You're a pain in the ass, you know that?" He smarted for a bit and then let his ears fall. Damn it. Too soon. That'd been the name she'd given Kanik. Curse her for picking common phrases to be nicknames for others. A wolf never knew when those things would come back to haunt them.
RE: sucks to be you - Nanuk - September 09, 2015
Can you fade? <3
Where she was 'emotional' with some things, if you could cal it emotional, she was not with names or phrases. Kanik's memory would not fade from her mind, but nor would she cower form saying things that reminded her of him. She was not, however, insensitive to the one bonded to her, and gave him a quick, rough nudge to the shoulder after getting to her feet. He was right. They would honor the frosted wolf's memory and protect the Spire even more than they had before.
For maybe the second time in her life, she uttered words that no wolf other than himself had heard. "Thank you." Her gratitude to the wolf beside her was tangible, as was her appreciation for his presence. There was a new feeling there too, one she swept aside and did not think anything of. Now, more than she had ever felt in a lifetime of acquaintances and family members and packmates, Nanuk found that she cared and, in a way, loved the one that had become her only blood tie.
RE: sucks to be you - Iqniq - September 09, 2015
Nanuk rolled to her feet and gave him rough nudge. Grinning, he shoved back, as they took off towards the inner parts of the packland. It was time to bring her back home and let her know she belonged there. No more of this running off business. For any of them. And, knock on wood, hopefully no more losing members to death either.
"Mm-hmm" he murmured, saying nothing more on the subject as he nipped at her heels and prodded her right back up the mountain. There was plenty to do and she had those borders to get back to guarding as soon as she was eaten and no longer rattled with whatever emotional crazy had caused this breakdown to begin with.
Either way. It was good to have her back.
-fade thread-