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+--- Thread: Phantom Hollow The Guilt I Have Pulls Me Down (/showthread.php?tid=14803)
The Guilt I Have Pulls Me Down - Judas - April 24, 2016
He needed to do it. But how could he, from where he was? Judas needed to try again at apologizing to his victim, @Mitanni. Or otherwise his guilt would eat him up. Destroy him. Or perhaps fuel one side of him more than the other. All he could do was wait in his den, guessing that going anywhere near her den was absolutely off-limits. Indeed, he guessed he could venture the Phantom Hollows, but was not sure if that venturing was limited or not. For now, all he could was wait until she came to him. Or when he next saw her. In truth, he was too worried for himself and her abut seeking her out, knowing that something inside would also.
RE: The Guilt I Have Pulls Me Down - Mitanni - April 24, 2016
Mitanni had been staying away since her last visit to the isolated traitor. She'd had nothing more to say to Judas and was sure he didn't anything else to say to her either. Besides, she needed time to heal, both her leg and her fear, and with her leg just about at full functionality again she was starting to feel more like herself, less paranoid and more comfortable.
But the fact she hadn't seen Judas since bothered her. Was he still locked up, or had he earned free reign of the territory? He'd surprised her at the pack hunt, but not once since had she seen him. If he was gone, it wasn't going to be a bother, but if he stayed... She needed to face her fear in order to live with him here.
Though it made her nervous, she traveled rather sneakily back toward his den again. It would have probably been smarter for her to ask someone to come with her, but she didn't want to bother them. Judas hadn't misbehaved last time, so she hoped he'd behave this time too. Her limp was practically unnoticeable, only prone to acting up after too much exertion, and she made it to the den swiftly and silently without drawing attention.
Cautiously she approached the opening of the den, scenting as she made each careful, quiet step along the side where she'd remain unseen. He was here, of that she was certain, but what his mood was... Mitanni's ears folded back momentarily, her amber eyes thoughtful beneath a frown, and smoothing out her expression decidedly, she murmured softly, "You still on lock down?"
RE: The Guilt I Have Pulls Me Down - Judas - April 24, 2016
Just as he hoped, she came. Judas turned to see her, only to feel some hurt at her expression to him. That was unusual. He never really felt hurt like that for anyone. Then again, he'd never felt guilt either. And this time, his ears betrayed him, folding back a little before he quickly turned away. Afraid of showing his face to her.
"Not so much. I've pledged myself to serving the pack, whichever way Malice or anyone else wants." And that included being a punching bag, if one was needed. "I've been wanting to talk to you" he said, turning back to her, his eyes moving to her leg. A hunger came up at the memory. He did his best to shrug it off. "How's it doing?"
RE: The Guilt I Have Pulls Me Down - Mitanni - April 24, 2016
Mitanni peeked around the corner of the den's entrance to see Judas looking away, still unable to meet her gaze and looking properly shamed for everything he'd done. Good. Not even time healing had completely rid her of the bitterness she felt in being his first--and hopefully only--target, though the little wolf did her best not to present it too outwardly and tried to maintain at least a neutral expression.
He wasn't leaving. In fact, it sounded like he was trying to turn things around, making himself available to the pack in whatever way would benefit them. She wanted to believe it, and did to an extent--why else would Malice have kept him around so long if he wasn't trying to turn things around? And maybe it made her feel just a little guilty for being so bitter still, especially given his sorry state.
She shifted her weight at the disquiet of her own thoughts, and perked her ears when he admitted he'd been hoping to talk to her. He'd had more to say to her after all then? But he hadn't come looking for me... Was that for her comfort? Or his own?
The "it" he spoke of was instantly understood, and the mottled female lowered her gaze to stare at her injured leg. It didn't make her nearly as self-conscious as it had at the start, but she still felt awkward talking about it to the wolf who'd caused the damage in the first place. "I can walk," Mitanni stated, lifting her gaze to try and meet his. "There's a noticeable scar, but that's the worst of it now."
It was weird talking to him, this new him that was so different from the wolf who'd seemed initially unsettling but otherwise nice, as well as the one who'd lashed out at her without warning. But this felt like a more genuine side, without secrets and more predictable, even if what was predictable wasn't all that good. Still, she felt better, maybe a little more sure of herself in his presence, and spoke after a moment, "I'd have figured after staying cooped up in here you'd be wandering around as much as you could." Not that she knew him very well, or at all, but it seemed likely of just about anyone.
RE: The Guilt I Have Pulls Me Down - Judas - April 24, 2016
He had a smile of relief. His tail even flicked up in a moment of joy to hear that. He felt some of his guilt from his actions lifted off, knowing he hadn't impaired her for life. Still, knowing it would scar, knowing that she would remember that day for her lifetime, it still left some there. "That is good..." Judas trailed off, not wanting to remain on the subject of her injury.
The coywolf shook his head. "I thought no one would want to even see me. And even though past visits have proved that wrong, it's what they see in me that I am afraid of." He sighed, keeping his gaze off her.
"So, for why I wanted to speak with you. I want to know if there is anything I can do for you. Is there?" he asked, desperate to know. Anything at all would do. As long as it helped her, and could repay his infinite debt to her. He wanted to know what he could do, so badly. Just to satisfy her.
Edit: I realized he already told her why
RE: The Guilt I Have Pulls Me Down - Mitanni - April 24, 2016
She thought Judas looked genuinely happy to hear that she'd mended well, and Mitanni was a little surprised by it. He'd been pretty intent upon causing as much damage as he could until Issun had pulled him off of her. Maybe he really was turning over a new leaf?
His admitted fear of not being welcomed back among the pack was well-founded, but it was the statement that followed that struck Mitanni most. What they see in me... Undoubtedly she was one of those who still saw the traitor in him. She still fought to push the memory back, to not let it haunt her, and she hoped by being here she was making progress. But was it safe to give him hope that his past misdeeds could really be overlooked?
The offer he made of assistance caught her off guard, and she wasn't at all sure how to answer. She wasn't sure she fully trusted him yet, wasn't sure she still wanted his help. But if he was staying, and Malice had given him the go ahead to start socializing with the pack again...
There was still uncertainty in her gaze, but she wanted to trust her leader's judgment. "You said we could work on tracking," she ventured, wondering if he recalled their conversation when he'd assisted her with sneaking around the woods. Though it still made her visibly uncomfortable, though she still couldn't quite shake her worry, Mitanni felt she needed to make an effort. "Since you're free, maybe we still could. Sometime."
Didn't see your edit, we're good now.
RE: The Guilt I Have Pulls Me Down - Judas - April 24, 2016
He was glad to hear her answer. Most certainly he did remember, and to his wolf side that was a good memory. Judas wagged his tail, feeling hopeful. "Well, if that is what you want to do." He stood up and started toward the entrance, then made his way past her to stop outside, turning his front back to her.
"Shall we?" he asked, wagging with a newfound excitement. The old Judas was not gone, but currently was the new Judas. The happy Judas. The feeling felt...good. To know he was helping someone. "And if it makes you feel more comfortable, you may call someone to watch over us. To make sure I don't do anything."
RE: The Guilt I Have Pulls Me Down - Mitanni - April 24, 2016
She merely nodded in confirmation at Judas's statement and backed up a step as he happily strolled toward her to exit his den. For comfort, she kept a healthy distance between them, leery despite her willingness to go venturing off with him again, and fought to make herself okay with what she'd decided. He's acting different, not scary, she reasoned with her fears, I should be okay...
His happiness was palpable and contagious. Mitanni smiled despite herself, if a little nervously, and blinked as he gave her the opportunity to ask for someone to chaperone their outing. He was right in thinking it would help alleviate her worries, but the little brown wolf shook her head. "If Malice said you're free..." She paused, considering, and finished decidedly, "I trust her judgment." She couldn't, ultimately, blame Malice for letting Judas in when he was unstable--after all, he'd fooled Mitanni too.
The difference in his demeanor was encouraging though, and she caught herself hoping, against her fears, that the friendship she'd felt forming with him was possible to reclaim. He'd struck her as knowledgeable and intriguing in a misunderstood, eccentric sort of way. He'd piqued her curiosity. "How do you suggest we practice tracking?" she asked, slowly being freed from her nervousness and worry so that her curiosity and desire for knowledge could come through.
RE: The Guilt I Have Pulls Me Down - Judas - April 24, 2016
Judas didn't notice her back off from him when he passed her by. And was glad that she didn't want to get anyone to watch them. That meant she trusted him a bit, at least. It gave him hope that maybe they could rekindle whatever friendship had begun starting before.
However he did keep his distance, to keep her calm and her comfort. He started to walk along a trail he found. What had they done before? They had worked on stealth, trying to keep one hidden by sight and hearing. The sight part had worked. And she had been getting better with sound, or so he guessed.
Then an idea came. One that sort of combined his game with Malice and teaching Mitanni. "Come find me" he said with a grin, then sped off into the underbrush. Right away, he sought out things like mud and underbrush to hide in.
RE: The Guilt I Have Pulls Me Down - Mitanni - April 24, 2016
Without thought, Mitanni followed Judas along the trail he'd picked out, eagerly awaiting word on what they would do. Would it be like last time, where she'd be left in one spot to count and go seeking him once the decided time had passed? Her whole attention remained trained on him, anticipating the moment he would give her instruction.
The instruction that came, however, was so simple it startled her. The little wolf blinked her amber eyes as Judas grinned while making his statement, and lurched in a quick, anxious step after him. "Judas," she called, but he didn't come back. He seamlessly melded into the woods, disappearing from sight and leaving her standing alone on the trail.
For a second, she felt nervous. He'd betrayed her once, what if-- I can't keep thinking like that, she scolded herself, shaking her head and the thoughts from her mind. I need to give him a chance. And so she would.
Understanding that he'd initiated a game, a fun way to help her practice and learn, Mitanni breathed in once to settle her nerves and smiled on the exhale. "I'm gonna find you," she informed him loudly, her tone just slightly taunting as she began to creep near-silently into the woods after him, "I've gotten better." That was a lie. She hadn't practiced her tracking at all, but she didn't want Judas to think he'd be hiding for long.
RE: The Guilt I Have Pulls Me Down - Judas - April 24, 2016
Judas finally found a perfect place to stop at. Incidentally enough, it was close to the last place they had practiced, where he showed her how to camouflage one's self. It brought him to a pause, stopping not too far from the body of water they found.
But quickly, he regained himself. He rolled in the mud, knowing his scent would cover this small area. After, he ran off. Searching for a small bush to hide in, which he did. Near a small log with one end tipped up, bushes surrounding the bottom half. There, he waited. "What a perfect situation to-"
"Don't you even think about it" he snarled back at the voice. He would not let it win. Not this time.
RE: The Guilt I Have Pulls Me Down - Mitanni - April 24, 2016
His scent was easy enough to pick up--at least Mitanni hoped it was the correct scent--and she followed it at a slower, more sedate pace than he'd set off at. She wanted to give him enough time to find a hiding spot, to set himself up however he wanted to best challenge her ability to track him. If she just raced right on his tail she wouldn't be doing herself any favors.
The terrain was just beginning to look familiar, recognized as the woods right outside the river where they'd first conducted their initial sneaking lesson. Mitanni smiled just a little at the memory, reminded of how quickly Judas had grown on her then. I hope he's changed, she thought silently, I hope--
But the thought was silenced as she heard his voice snarl over a distance, near but not immediately so. The little wolf stopped, stood at attention, and shivered once. She didn't like that voice. She didn't like what it made her think of, and liked even less that it drew out more of her suppressed fear of her hidden instructor. "Judas?" she called out to him, concerned. Her ears tucked and her tail fell against her haunches, momentarily forgetting to follow his scent trail and search for him.
RE: The Guilt I Have Pulls Me Down - Judas - April 25, 2016
He froze. He was lucky his other side had not talked aloud, or he would be in trouble. Big trouble with her. Judas poked his head out, seeing her. If he jumped out quickly, she might run. However if he came out slowly, he might not scare her off. So he did, a bit further up the trail, slowly emerging.
"I'm sorry if I scared you" he apologized, head hung low. Shame covered his face. "I haven't been doing well in the head. It's..annoying." He was fine with admitting this. If he warned her about his voice-in-the-head, she would see the signs before he did anything. All he wanted was not to hurt them, ever again. And if that meant spilling every secret, then so be it. If the other side let him, that is.
RE: The Guilt I Have Pulls Me Down - Mitanni - April 25, 2016
Her amber eyes searched as she strode cautiously forward, and she tried not to visibly jump when she spotted Judas appear ahead of her down the trail, giving up his hiding spot. She studied him but couldn't see anything amiss, nothing to tell her that she was in any danger or that he was leaning dangerously away from stability.
But he did look saddened, ashamed. Mitanni walked toward him, noting his degraded posture and listening to his apology and explanation. There's voices? What must that have been like? She couldn't imagine it being very comfortable, particularly knowing the violent streak that this green-eyed wolf had. Were they the cause of everything? Her ears tipped back, again feeling sympathetic for him. It didn't sound like an easy burden to bear.
"It's okay. You haven't done anything, so it's okay," she answered, though realized it probably wasn't. What was okay about hearing voices? Possibly mean, violent ones? She lowered her gaze, feeling somewhat at a loss how she could help the tan-hued wolf and his problem, and decided she likely couldn't. His instability was beyond her.
"Thanks for telling me." He could have easily kept the information a secret, let her believe him beyond repair and too unpredictable to keep up their attempt at rebuilding their friendship, but he'd chosen to be open and honest. He's making an effort, Mitanni concluded, and after clearing her throat tried to do the same. "I...guess I found you." She chuckled, a nervous but amused little sound, and tentatively wagged her tail.
RE: The Guilt I Have Pulls Me Down - Judas - April 25, 2016
Judas gave a thankful dip of his head. Overall more glad than before, his ears perking up and his tail swaying slowly. "Thank you. For understanding." He felt that he owed her more than just that. After what he did, she deserved more than a simple excuse. "I always saw wolves as raping, violent beings. Named them enemy right away." He sighed and paused, not wanting to scare her.
"Are you okay with me continuing? I feel you deserve a more insightful explanation to my actions." It could either drive her away further, or bring her closer. All he could think about was giving her more than he originally gave before.
RE: The Guilt I Have Pulls Me Down - Mitanni - April 25, 2016
He thanked her--for understanding, he said--and Mitanni felt that she'd done the right thing. This was good. This was progress, and she nodded her head in simple acknowledgement of what they'd done to help each other. He was being honest, and she was giving him a chance to prove he had a decent side.
She didn't expect anymore than that, but he offered it. Her brow furrowed in a mixture of sadness and disquiet upon hearing his original description of wolves as a whole, unable to recalling meeting anyone who'd fit the description in her travels. It's no wonder he thinks it though, Mitanni thought sadly, recalling his disturbing history with wolves. Or at least one really bad one.
The fact he asked her whether she was okay with him continuing made her hesitate--did it get much worse from here?--but she couldn't tell Judas to stop once she'd finally got him talking. "I'm okay with it," she answered softly, shifting her weight as she watched him with attentive concern.
RE: The Guilt I Have Pulls Me Down - Judas - April 25, 2016
He prepped his throat by clearing it. She was okay with knowing more. But still, Judas was a little hesitant on continuing. He owed her this much, so why not go on? Was the least he could do for her. So he went on with his upsetting, dark tale.
"It was a few months before my birth. A wolf came across my mother and, well you can guess. A few weeks after my birth, he returned. My siblings and my mother, gone. She defended us to the last breath...But me, I was the only one that looked wolf-like. He took me, and tried to make me into him...It wasn't until I realized what he did that I made my promise." For a second, a flash of maniacal hate shadowed his face. "To exterminate all wolves."
RE: The Guilt I Have Pulls Me Down - Mitanni - April 25, 2016
Mitanni waited patiently, indecisively, wondering if Judas was second guessing his offer as much as she was second guessing her choice. I'll listen, she told herself, he's trying, so I'll listen.
She quietly sat, curling her tail around her side and listening attentively to Judas's tale. She recognized bits of it, and despite the sad tale was glad to hear it all in full. Now she understood. Now it all made sense.
A soft sigh was exhaled from her muzzle as she lowered her gaze, feeling the shame of her kind because of what that one wolf had done to this broken individual. "We aren't all like that though," Mitanni stated, sure that he was beginning to realize this on his own too, "and we don't even like the ones who are like that." Not just because it gave them a bad reputation, but because it was wrong.
Still not meeting his gaze, she muttered, "I'm sorry. For what happened to you." She wasn't sure if it was her place to say it, or whether it would make any difference to Judas and how he felt about everything. "What happened...that wasn't fair."
RE: The Guilt I Have Pulls Me Down - Judas - April 25, 2016
The coyote side took over as soon as that maniacal look came over him. Then, something happened. Her words touched the hearts of both personalities. She managed to calm the beast inside long enough for his soft side to come back. For once, he was at a loss of words. Out of all the wolves, not a single one said they were sorry. Said it was unfair.
Judas could have sworn even his heart skipped a beat. "I...Mitanni, thank you. That is the kindest thing anyone has ever said." It was enough to touch his heart, to melt through the stone that encircled his emotions. For some reason, he wanted to cry. His eyes began to water. No one, not ever, and been so kind to him. He started to approach, to give a thankful nudge, but stopped after two paces, unsure if she would be accepting of his gesture.
RE: The Guilt I Have Pulls Me Down - Mitanni - April 25, 2016
The look on his face was worrisome. It carried a severe edge, dangerous and malign, but her words appeared to soothe it away. Mitanni's ears folded nervously, and she watched as a look of speechless wonder replaced his crazed expression, wondering if perhaps she'd finally gotten through to him.
He thanked her, calling her words the kindest he'd heard, and the little wolf shifted her weight where she sat, feeling self-conscious and even embarrassed. She'd only been returning kindness with kindness, and for what had been done to him Judas deserved an apology. No one's thought to give him that before?
She would have been lying if she tried to deny the little sliver of fear that leaped to life in her as Judas stepped closer, an instinctive reaction by now, but she didn't try to pull away from him. There wasn't ill-intent in his eyes, there wasn't any tension in his posture. He wasn't going to hurt her.
Understanding what he intended--or at least assuming she did--Mitanni watched him a moment, just to be sure of herself, and stood. She met his green gaze with steady amber eyes, and though she couldn't completely shake the embarrassment, the uneasiness, she spoke so he would know, "I forgive you, Judas."
RE: The Guilt I Have Pulls Me Down - Judas - April 25, 2016
She didn't move away, so he went ahead and nudged her shoulder with his nose, as a sign of gratitude. Not realising he left it there for over a second. Judas backed off, first making sure he didn't make her uncomfortable. Then it came. The words he never expected to hear. He was even more overwhelmed than before.
"Thank you..." he broke off, gazing elsewhere deep in thought. He had to think of a way to repay her for such kindness. Perhaps a gift? But something with enough worth would not be easy to get alone. He would need help. The only question now, who would help.
"I should be going now. I feel I've been gone too long." That was a lie. The nature of her kindness was getting to be too much for him. But also, to think over things for his gift. He was not at all used to having a friendship.
RE: The Guilt I Have Pulls Me Down - Mitanni - April 25, 2016
Judas nudged her shoulder softly, and the mottled black and brown female watched him out of the corner of her eye, trusting but still warily curious. It puzzled her how he'd made his turnaround, how he could have so many different sides to himself and still be one whole wolf. Coywolf, Mitanni mentally corrected. He'd made it clear enough he wasn't completely one or the other.
She surprised him again by offering forgiveness, and as he looked away she felt something fit into place. Progress. Not just for him this time, but for her. Mitanni realized she meant the words, that she truly wasn't going to hold what he'd done against him. It was behind them now. They could move on.
It drew a little smile to her face, uncertain but sincere. Her ears no longer folded but stood, perked, and heard Judas quietly excuse himself. The petite wolf nodded her head, guessing there were other things she could do too. Maybe she'd give her stealth another shot, or maybe find something else to track through the woods.
"Okay," she answered simply, not wanting to keep him if Judas had other things to do. "I'll see you around." Another little smile, a tentative wag of her tail: progress. They really were on the mend, both of them. In a bold move, she turned her back to him, trusting him, and began to trot away.
Figured things were at an end?