It was mere days ago since she and Roarke had played and she had been thinking about a life when the children were joining them to hunt. Now she could scarcely look at the remaining quartet and not want to break down. Her last ditch efforts to console Lotte had not worked and the mother went to work her grief out on her own - still, Hemlock could feel her grief almost as strongly as if it was her own and she fretted over the woman. 

Hemlock swallowed thickly, knowing all of the pathways for Roarke had been followed and all came to the same, desolate conclusion. He was lost. He was somewhere far away, and they could not find him. Hemlock had become a single focused figure near the rendezvous site, eyes constantly flitting from one child to the next to count them all before starting to count them again. 

No doubt the howls and cries had alerted most of the pack to the trauma of the Family, but she had not sought anyone else out. She could not imagine leaving, not right then. 

Hemlock could barely contain herself, trying not to be too melancholy around the pups as they did their own processing, but still, the fact was that Roarke was not there. He was not present, his infectious drive and spirit of adventure missing from the niche he'd made for himself. Hemlock could see in Mallaidh the concern, she could feel the tension in Ceallach, she could feel the sorrow in Eirlys - and Sirius himself was not above this pain, too. 

When her boy came tumbling towards her, batting at her with his long legs, Hemlock bent down to press a few kisses along his brow. He drew a rare smile from her, although her instinct was unfairly to crowd the boy to her breast as if to never let him go. "How are you, my dear?" She asked, nudging at him - at his shoulder, his chin, even the soft fur of his belly - she did not want to discourage his play just because she was feeling more broken.

Perhaps it was wrong of her, but she didn't have the heart to correct him when he called her 'mama' - not this time. She needed his affections, selfishly, especially right now. She knew that she was not behaving fairly, that this wasn't how things were supposed to be. And yet, she could not find that she cared. "Four hundred?" She echoed, taking a seat even though it seemed like by the mere seconds Sirius was growing and growing and would no doubt be as tall as she was soon. 

Hemlock's smile was a little sadder then, understanding what Sirius was getting at even if the word failed him. "We are sad," She admitted, and did not hide her emotions from him. She never had. "We miss Roarke - it is unfair that he is missing." It was not like with Sirius' family, where they knew they resided in Moonspear. This was the unknown. The fact that Roarke was now lost to the Woods with Sirius' own twin would only further the surprise when (if) they were ever reunited with their lost winter's bane. 

Sad was such a basic word compared to the plethora of emotions she felt. Melancholy, broken hearted, hopeless, downtrodden, angry, vengeful; so many things but they seemed like such big concepts to bridge to a child and while Hemlock had never skirted around the tougher subjects with Sirius it still seemed hard to do now. "Of course you are," She said softly as she leaned in to nuzzle against him, nose tracing along his jawline for just a moment. "I have seen Roarke every day of his life, and it....it hurts, for him to not be here. And for his parents, and his siblings, it hurts even more." To that Hemlock could only assume, she loved the boy dearly but he was her godson, not of her flesh. 

Still, Sirius' words almost sent a chill up her spine and she nearly looked pained by the concept. "It would break me to not have you here." She said softly, open with her own understanding of her emotions - if he was gone, she would be devastated.

Hemlock drew in a slow breath, trying to feel her chest expand. Trying to feel the air as it filled her body and sustained her. These moments seemed impossible. They seemed so dangerously terrifying - like the world would collapse at any given moment and there would be no peace for any of them. Without Roarke it was a loss that seemed to stab constantly and no where could she offer the herbs to heal the wounds. Instead they festered. 

Hemlock tried to put on her best smile as she looked at Sirius, aware that soon he would surpass her height, that even now he barely had to reach to gnaw at her ear. "Where would you go, darling?" She asked curiously, wondering why he would even ask such a thing - why leaving would be a thought in his head. She was open as ever with him - but this question was new. 

 

Hemlock could almost feel the boy's uncertainty and she drew in a soft sigh, teeth for a moment worrying at the edge of her lip. "I think I will go for a day or so, try and check on the other side of the mountain range." Hemlock admitted to the boy. "Can you stay and watch the younger children? Help Lotte and Arturo and I?" She could have taken him with her - but it would slow her down and she would be distracted constantly worrying over him and fretting where he was. There was also the fact that she planned to go very close to the View and Moonspear and she didn't want him anywhere too close to the very place he sought to travel towards. 

"I want to see if I can find any information about Roarke - to help the Fearghals and to do my duty as Beta." She could not hold this information from him and she didn't want to, trusting him in this. She smoothed a few errant locks of fur, gently kissing over him even as he stayed tucked into her side.