+- Wolf RPG (https://wolf-rpg.com)
+-- Forum: In Character: Roleplaying (https://wolf-rpg.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=5)
+--- Forum: Archives (https://wolf-rpg.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=11)
+--- Thread: Blacktail Deer Plateau Everything that kills me makes me feel alive (/showthread.php?tid=2237)
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive - Osprey - May 16, 2014
@Peregrine
Apparently Osprey's troubles weren't going to end, once her mysterious illness had receded, leaving her emaciated, weak, but pretty much alive. At least she didn't feel like dying any moment, which was a major improvement, even though her state was far from great. It had been raining past few days and the temperature had dropped. Osprey, who hadn't bothered about the weather in the past, now had got sensitive to cold and after a day, enjoying her newly regained freedom, she had woken up the next morning with stuffy nose and sore throat.
Blue willow hadn't scolded her or anything, just done her best to make the sickly girl feel better again, yet Osprey couldn't help but feel that the pack's beta should have been a bit disappointed in her. It had taken such a long time for her to progress and now they were back in the starting point with different symptoms. Osprey wasn't the only inhabitant of the den - a juvenile called Amelie had joined them. Which was yet another reason for Osprey to feel bad, because this time her "bad bug" was contagious and the girl could get sick too.
Therefore one afternoon, when the heavy rainfall had ceded to a light drizzle, Osprey left Willow's den, having decided to search for a new place to stay in near vicinity.
RE: Everything that kills me makes me feel alive - Peregrine Redhawk - May 16, 2014
The gloomy weather matched Peregrine's mood. Not wishing to subject the children to his bad mood, he kissed their heads and turned to leave the den. Right before he left, he looked at his mate, something of a painful, longing look in his eye. His face then became a stony mask and, with a slow shake of his head, he stepped out into the cool May rainfall.
It receded to a drizzle as he loped around the territory, checking caches and adding to them when opportunity arose. After raiding a pheasant's nest and eating the eggs, he dragged the freshly-slain mother toward one of the stockpiles. En route, he saw his sister walking through the trees. With a flick of his damp ears, Peregrine changed routes and headed toward her.
"For you," he said simply after dropping the pheasant on the ground. Osprey looked skinnier than he liked and generally under the weather. "What're you doing, wandering around out here in the rain?" he asked, a slight note of disapproval in his tone even as he moved closer as if hoping to shield his sickly sister from the storm.
RE: Everything that kills me makes me feel alive - Osprey - May 18, 2014
"Ever so keen on fattening me up," Osprey teased and smiled sincerely at Peregrine. Her appetite was still shifty and she didn't eat nearly enough as she should have, but for the sake of being polite, she picked up the pheasant and set it to the side, thus accepting his gift to her.
"You know that the rainy weather is always the best for new ideas?" she told him. One of the earliest stories she had come up with had been about rain and how each little droplet was a living being. Over the time she had revised and updated this story over and over again and for this reason the rain - even if it rendered you from going outside your den - was regarded as a good friend in her eyes.
"I have some things on my mind," she continued. "Yet they seem to be a lot more positive than your current mood. What is upsetting you?"
RE: Everything that kills me makes me feel alive - Peregrine Redhawk - May 18, 2014
"I don't think it's possible for you to be fat, Oss," Peregrine countered, "especially right now. You could stand to put on a few pounds, you know." He said it lightly, albeit with a touch of valid concern. He didn't press the matter, however, as she accepted his gift and set it aside. He would probably hang around until she took a few bites, though it could wait, for the moment.
"Is it?" he asked rhetorically, cocking his head. His lips pressed together and, unlike with Atticus, he saw no reason not to tell his sister the truth and the whole truth. "A penny for your thoughts? I could use some positivity. I'm out of sorts because... Hawkeye and I are having relationship issues. Actually, it's more like we don't even have a relationship anymore and that's the issue. We haven't been close lately, not since the kids were born," he told her, water dripping off the tip of his snout.
And though he truly did want to hear what was on Osprey's mind, now that he'd found the right ear to bend, he sat suddenly and let the words flow from him. "It's not just that, though, because we could fix that by making some time to see each other. It would be hard but doable, just like it should've been all along. We just let it go on like that for so long... and now, I feel like..." He paused for a long time, afraid to acknowledge his feelings silently, much less out loud. But this was his sister and he could tell her anything. "I feel like we—or at least I—might've fallen out of love somewhere along the line. And I'm not sure what to do to fix it, or if it even can be fixed."
RE: Everything that kills me makes me feel alive - Osprey - May 18, 2014
Osprey listened carefully to what her brother had to say and felt concerned for him. She had met Hawkeye on one occasion and seen her from the distance on several others - the girl had seemed to be very kind and fond of Peregrine. Maybe not as crazy for him as Peregrine was for her, but still... they had built their little family on mutual love and affection and she didn't understand, where could that actually go.
"I am not the best person to talk about relationship issues," she took his hint for a joke, therefore she continued, "because the only ones that have been after me were during my heat season, promissing me heavens and earth and everything else for one thing only. From my perspective - all men, who are not related to me, are fools."
"Have you tried talking with her?" she returned to the serious matter. "Maybe something is bothering her? Pied's death struck me very hard and she was a bit closer to Hawkeye than she was to me."
RE: Everything that kills me makes me feel alive - Peregrine Redhawk - May 18, 2014
His sister's passing mention of her heat cycle didn't embarrass Peregrine, as he'd grown up with a very open mother, but her joke made him want to wring the necks of all her hypothetical suitors. No man would be good enough for Osprey, at least in his eyes, and suddenly he wondered if any of the male members were going after her. He would have to ask, after they finished hashing out his relationship troubles.
"Of course, though only really superficially, to be honest. It's difficult, with the kids, like I said. We see each other every day and, especially right after the pups were born and Pied passed away, I made myself especially available to her. Yet she grew distant from me, even pushed me away a few times," he mused aloud. "I accepted it as natural. I understood she must be exhausted, that she only had time to look after the pups... but I guess I shouldn't have let it go, not for so long.
And it's not that I'm blaming her, either. We both fucked up here. Sure, we're first-time parents and our litter doubled in size when Pied died, but we still should've made a point to make time for each other. But we didn't. And by the time I realized how far we'd grown apart, just the other day... well, it felt like it was already too late. I don't know if it actually is but... well, here's the thing. The other day, we finally got some time to ourselves and it was like we barely knew one another. It was awkward and uncomfortable. It was bad, Oss.
Parenthood's changed us both," he concluded, "I was so in love with her. I'm sure you remember. And I love her still. But I wonder if I'm still in love with her. When I see her now, I just don't feel the same spark. And I don't know if that's how it's supposed to be but I don't think it is. I don't think our mate-ship should become a drudgery just because we have kids. Right?"
RE: Everything that kills me makes me feel alive - Osprey - May 18, 2014
Osprey could relate to Peregrine about growing distant with someone and how bad it felt. It had happened with her and Atticus and for very stupid reasons to begin with. Now everything was solved and they were back on very good terms, as if nothing had happened to them. But then again it was not the same for Perry - it was horrible to live with someone day by day and feel as if there was a thousand mile long distance between them. She had no advice to offer him, not that could help him in this situation.
"It shouldn't be," she agred, but wondered, if her brother had known Hawkeye that well all along. Their parents had been a good example of how mateship worked - you couldn't find two more different people than March Owl and Aether - and if their relationship had been built on love only, then it would probably have died pretty soon. However, they had had a mutual respect for each other, they had known their flaws and weaknesses and accepted them, they had been honest to each other. Yet it had never occurred to Osprey to ask, how they had managed to do that.
"I am sorry, but I can't help you here," Osprey said after another long pause. "This is a thing that only you and Hawkeye can fix."
RE: Everything that kills me makes me feel alive - Peregrine Redhawk - May 18, 2014
"I know," Peregrine said without hard feelings when Osprey said she couldn't help him, "though you did help, Oss, by listening to me. I appreciate you letting me talk your ear off about my girl probs." A smile twitched the corners of his mouth, though it didn't reach his eyes. He reached out and touched his nose to her cheek.
"So, what's on your mind? Oh, and... are there any guys going after you here? 'Cause if there are, I wanna know, so I can beat the shit out of them," Peregrine quipped. "We have had a recent influx of dudes. Don't tell me you're sending out a siren song I can't hear because I'm your brother or something..."
RE: Everything that kills me makes me feel alive - Osprey - May 19, 2014
"If you are going to beat the shit out of every man that looks my way, then I will probably die as an old maid," Osprey pointed out and grinned. If it ever came to anything serious, she wouldn't want Perry to meddle, no matter, how concerned he would be. Yet, while she was enjoying her freedom, it was nice to know that there was someone, who cared about her. Even if it meant him hiding in the bushes, ready to nip any kind of romantic advantages at his sister from the opposite sex.
"You don't have to worry about me until next year," she assured him. "Besides - you will have three young maidens to look after by then," he had three daughters after all. "I will be old and smart enough to fend unwanted affection by then."
RE: Everything that kills me makes me feel alive - Peregrine Redhawk - May 19, 2014
"Touché," he answered. Of course, Peregrine wouldn't actually go around beating his sister's suitors into the ground. He would give them the third degree until deemed suitable, however. Peregrine would love to see his sister happy and settled down, supposing that's what she wanted, but he would do his best to make sure her eventual mate was worthy of her.
If not for his black fur, the Alpha male might have paled at her next comment. "Don't remind me. I love having little girls but I don't look forward to their teenage phase," he admitted. "You weren't so bad, though, were you? I don't remember Koontz being too big a pain, either. Mo used to tell me stories about how Athena was a gigantic bitch as a yearling, though, and some of the stories Mo told me about herself were downright frightening too..."
His sister had deflected his question, either intentionally or not, so he patiently repeated, "Tell me what you're thinking, Oss. You mentioned you had positive things on your mind. Don't hold out on me. Don't you see this black cloud hovering over my head?" And he glanced up, as if there really was a storm cloud following him around today.
RE: Everything that kills me makes me feel alive - Osprey - May 19, 2014
"Oh, but you don't know even a half of it," Osprey countered with a mischievous glint in her eyes, as if telling that there were secrets about her teenage phase that not even Peregrine knew. But - true - neither she, nor Koontz were any match of the grand stories MO had to tell about her early years. The best part about it was that she was amused, not a single bit ashamed of it. Now that was an ego to learn from.
"Positive... I said so?" she couldn't quite remember her exact words, because the idea she had in mind would do nothing to clear the dark clouds above his head. Therefore she decided to tell it later. "Try to guess!" she challenged him and grinned.
RE: Everything that kills me makes me feel alive - Peregrine Redhawk - May 19, 2014
And I probably don't want to, he thought, though Peregrine kept that thought to himself even while managing to echo her impish smile.
"Well, you certainly implied it, though it's not difficult to be in a better mood than I am," he replied with a dry laugh. "Um... you're one hundred percent cured of your sickness? You've discovered your vocation? You met a genie in the woods and he granted you three wishes?" He snickered.
RE: Everything that kills me makes me feel alive - Osprey - May 19, 2014
"Well - no - my nose is stuffy and... achoo!" Osprey sneezed in mid-sentence. "You see? Far from good," she snorted and licked off excess snot from her nose, "A living, walking infectious zombie." Stuffy nose was no fun, especially, since you couldn't smell or taste anything.
"Speaking of vocation - I actually did," she said, remembering a dream she had had a few days ago. She had dreamed about meeting Crete in a place far away and they had talked, she couldn't recall the exact conversation, but, when she had woken up she had realized one thing. Even though the rest of her family here had given up on him, she hadn't.
"But you won't like it, if I tell you," this was very true. Perry had taken Crete's disappearance the hard way and hadn't quite forgiven him. She would soon find out, what would he say to her, if she told him that she had resolved to give one more chance in finding their lost brother.
RE: Everything that kills me makes me feel alive - Peregrine Redhawk - May 19, 2014
"Dude," Peregrine said, both disgusted and impressed by Osprey's snot production. "You're repulsive." As he said it, his eyes shone with affection. Nothing, not even chunky phlegm, could make him think ill (pun intended) of his sister.
Nothing, he thought even as Osprey told him he wouldn't like what he was about to hear. He looked into her eyes and sensed bad news coming his way. His stomach tightened and he looked at her imploringly, hoping she wasn't about to dump another dreary rain shower on his head... but somehow anticipating that this would be the case.
"Tell me," he commanded softly, trying to sound interested. There was an edge of dread in his deep timbre.
RE: Everything that kills me makes me feel alive - Osprey - May 19, 2014
Peregrine got all serious and once again Osprey found herself bearer of bad news. But it wasn't going to get any easier, if she delayed it either. Better say everything here and now.
"While I was ill, I had a lot of time to think," there was little else you could do, if the state of your body rendered you from everything you considered as fun in your life. "And you know - I remember someone telling me that sometimes, if you have burried a thought, a feeling, an idea deep inside and don't let it come out, it manifests in a bad way. As my sickness."
"I understood that my problem was that I gave up on Crete so easily. I stopped looking for him after a week and forced myself to forget him, but you simply can't," she explained. "And I can't help but think that, while something really bad has happened to him, we live here and think ill of him," from her recent experience with Atticus she knew, how very wrong it was.
"Therefore I decided to give another try in finding him. I won't be happy, if I don't put all of my effort and do my best," she finished and gave her brother a sad look. You know, what this means...
RE: Everything that kills me makes me feel alive - Peregrine Redhawk - May 19, 2014
He remained very quiet and still as Osprey spoke. He tensed slightly at the mention of their brother's name, his ears slipping backward. Although he told himself not to interrupt her, he said flatly, "Nothing bad happened to him, Oss, except that he knocked up some she-wolf in Horizon Ridge and ran for the hills before anyone could find out and dole out his just punishment."
Knowing this wouldn't deter her, Peregrine sighed so deeply that he felt it all the way down to the root of his belly. "I'm losing both my main girls," he mused aloud, to no one in particular. He found it difficult to look at Osprey right then, though eventually he dragged his eyes back to her. "It bothers me because you're going to miss out on a crucial phase of the pups' lives to go chasing after Crete. You know I love him but he's still a piece of shit for what he's done. And yet you're going to chase him, rather than stay here with your family..." It hurt him, especially right now.
"I guess you do what you need to do, Oss. I can't say this doesn't bust me up. And this pack's been filling up lately, so I can't even promise you there'll be room when you return." This sounded cold, even to him, so he added, "I'll do my best to reserve your space, though, if you return within a few weeks. No more than a month." He didn't mean it as a threat. In fact, when he finished with a quiet, "Please," it was clear it wasn't a threat at all; it was a heartfelt plea.
RE: Everything that kills me makes me feel alive - Osprey - May 19, 2014
"You need two to make the act happen and it can't, if the other party is not willing," Osprey reminded him, feeling hurt by the way Peregrine talked about Crete. None of them were perfect and each of them had their own dirty laundry to wash. Atticus had illegitimate children after all and yet he received no different treatment. She said and it sounded more bitter than she had intended to: "It isn't as we haven't had our share of sins."
"Crete is part of our family too," she objected, "and it is driving me crazy not knowing, what happened to him, and you two treating this as it was no big deal." Had anyone of them even given a second thought about him, when he had disappeared? Crete had never been a coward, he wouldn't run from his responsibilities. The image Peregrine had drawn of him was not of the person she knew.
"Haven't you noticed already - I try, but I can't move on. I see Pied's kids and all I can think about is that she shouldn't have died. I see yours and I see us as kids. Always and forever - remember? Where did that go? You wouldn't give up on them, if one of them disappeared, would you?" she tried to reason with him. "Is it really good for them to see me as a sick, unhappy emotional wreck? Because that is, what I am and it won't get better, if I won't do something about it," she knew it was unfair to Peregrine to leave him at the very moment he needed her the most, but this was something she had to do for her own good.
"I will try, but I don't promise," she finished, because she had no idea, how long her search would take.
RE: Everything that kills me makes me feel alive - Peregrine Redhawk - May 19, 2014
"I didn't say they aren't both to blame for the pregnancy," Peregrine countered coolly, "but she sure as shit can't run away from it. Did you know she has a mate too? Like I said, I love Crete and that will never change. But I also feel like I don't know him, if he's capable of knocking up a mated woman, then running out on her and the rest of his family. And contrary to what you said, it's a huge deal to me. It kills me that Crete just ran off like he did. I can't exactly afford to go running after that fool, though, can I?"
When asked about his children, Peregrine met her eyes and said, "They are my children. Crete is my brother. He's an adult," and left it at that. "But I don't want to argue with you, Oss, and I can see that there's no convincing you otherwise. If you want to do it for peace of mind, that's your call. I won't say I understand or even approve. I definitely don't appreciate your timing. It hurts me.
But, even more so than Atti or Crete, or even mom and dad, I can never be angry with you," he finished in a very quiet voice, even though her inability to promise stung him deeply. "You're my girl," he added almost futilely, touching his nose to her cheek before withdrawing.
"I'm sorry," he said abruptly then, "I can't..." It was suddenly too much to deal with at the moment, especially considering his issues with Hawkeye. And who could he run to with his problems now? Although there were surely others in his life he could talk to, he suddenly felt very isolated. "Come find me before you leave. But I can't do this right now," Peregrine said, shooting his sister an apologetic look and offering her a quick, pained kiss on the cheek before he turned and strode away.
RE: Everything that kills me makes me feel alive - Osprey - May 20, 2014
"That's the whole point - you think that he ran away, but all we know that he didn't come home one day," Ospery tried to reason with Peregrine, yet he seemed very set on the idea that Crete was a fool, idiot and whatnot. "You assume that he took advantage of that woman, but you know nothing of her, neither do you know Crete's side of story," no matter, how much fault her brother had in this, she felt the need to defend him and, as long as she didn't know every detail, she would detain from making any assumptions. She didn't understand, why Peregrine was so angry and harbored bitter feelings to Crete, when he should have felt concerned at least.
It had gone totally wrong - this whole thing and she was left feeling hurt too. He should have shown at least a bit of empathy for her troubles and - yes - the timing was the worst possible, but Osprey knew that if she didn't do something now, she would waste further. For once she had put her needs in the first place and it had worked out just great. She followed her brother's disappearing form with her eyes, fighting back tears. In all of their more than three year long history never had they had a row. This place was truly cursed.