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+--- Thread: Broken Boulder aaaaaaaaaaa (/showthread.php?tid=28481)
aaaaaaaaaaa - Alarian - July 17, 2018
set sometime after the queenie thread and sometime before the aditya thread :^)
There was a difficult conversation ahead, and as usual Alarian was doing his best to avoid it— or at least put it off for as long as possible. He couldn't imagine how to approach the subject with his friend, if it was approachable at all; he just couldn't deal with Queenie any more, either. But he was expected to deal with it, wasn't he? At least by @Delight.
Reluctantly, he dragged himself from the safety of his den and settled on the ground just outside of it, knowing he had to get some fresh air at some point or he'd go crazy. It'd been difficult to leave since the fight— since Queenie had threatened to overthrow him, since seeing her indifference towards her own children. He wasn't scared of her; more accurately, he wasn't scared of possibly being hurt or killed if things went awry. He was scared of actions he could not take back— scared of ruining his friendship with Delight. And he knew if she made the threat again, or if he had to see the pups being neglected again—
He sighed and laid his head on his paws, wondering if it'd even crossed his friend's mind that this could easily escalate too far. It already had, really; if not for Delight, things would have been far, far messier with Queenie. Alarian snorted then, thinking that, well, that was the thing— if not for Delight, none of this would be happening. There wouldn't be pups to neglect, and there wouldn't be a crazy bitch threatening to overthrow him— and he wouldn't be too fucking smitten with said bitch's baby daddy to kick her out and keep the pups.
Oh, he wanted to, though— more than anything else.
Reluctantly, he dragged himself from the safety of his den and settled on the ground just outside of it, knowing he had to get some fresh air at some point or he'd go crazy. It'd been difficult to leave since the fight— since Queenie had threatened to overthrow him, since seeing her indifference towards her own children. He wasn't scared of her; more accurately, he wasn't scared of possibly being hurt or killed if things went awry. He was scared of actions he could not take back— scared of ruining his friendship with Delight. And he knew if she made the threat again, or if he had to see the pups being neglected again—
He sighed and laid his head on his paws, wondering if it'd even crossed his friend's mind that this could easily escalate too far. It already had, really; if not for Delight, things would have been far, far messier with Queenie. Alarian snorted then, thinking that, well, that was the thing— if not for Delight, none of this would be happening. There wouldn't be pups to neglect, and there wouldn't be a crazy bitch threatening to overthrow him— and he wouldn't be too fucking smitten with said bitch's baby daddy to kick her out and keep the pups.
Oh, he wanted to, though— more than anything else.
RE: aaaaaaaaaaa - Ariel - July 17, 2018
he had been saved that day from having to make a decision by brilliance. the spectre of it looms over him, thoughts moving too quick to grasp, slipping between his paws. he misses, of all things, the comfort of the cedar sweep -- back when his biggest problem was mato will never look at me the way i him, and he could go hide himself amongst the trees and sulk.
this is so, so much bigger than that. what's the right move here, for him -- for his children? they're as much queenie's as his: he doesn't have the right to deny her them even if -- even if part of him in recalling that confrontation sometimes adds, and he has me too.
he's not looking to run into alarian yet -- mostly he's stuck close to the den, his anxiety channeled finally into useful monitoring. he's not going to let his children starve. what could he possibly say to the governor, anyway? "sorry queenie is just kind of like that, i doubt she means it"? "thanks for the kick in the ass re: child rearing, man, i really have no idea what i'm doing"? "if you want to kick out my children's mother, fine, but i can't be involved in it"? -- of course, though, he's going to get an opportunity to test out all of these largely useful sentiments, because who is up and outside his den but alarian. the chancellor thought he'd just, y'know, do his usual drop by, say a couple words to zamael, apologise for the fuss and go, but -- we're doing this. ok.
"hi," he says, his voice oddly fragile, coming to stop a few precious feet from his leader.
RE: aaaaaaaaaaa - Alarian - July 17, 2018
He'd noticed that sometimes it took a minute to focus— to register a sound or the presence of another and pull himself from the heavy fog wrapped around him. More than a minute, actually. He registered Delight's approach, lifted his head to watch him, but he didn't really realize it— even when he spoke. It made no sense to him, but he didn't have time to linger.
All he could see was silver; funny, he hadn't realized many of those close to him shared similar fiery gazes until suddenly it hurt. It hurt to look too long, sometimes at all— but this was different. He swallowed hard, silent for several moments.
Did I really just say that? No, he had to have imagined it— oh god, no, he'd said it.
All he could see was silver; funny, he hadn't realized many of those close to him shared similar fiery gazes until suddenly it hurt. It hurt to look too long, sometimes at all— but this was different. He swallowed hard, silent for several moments.
Your eyes are really pretty,Familiar words slipped from him quietly, perhaps because he couldn't formulate anything new right now, glassy-eyed and spinning somewhere far above his own head. The sound of his own voice startled him; he hadn't meant to speak. It took a couple seconds, even then, to really register what he'd said. He blinked.
Did I really just say that? No, he had to have imagined it— oh god, no, he'd said it.
Um, sorry,He managed to choke out, deciding the best option here would be to ignore how mortified he was and move on.
Um— I've actually been meaning to talk to you,A lie, but he was supposed to, so it was close enough to the truth.
I'm sorry for— being shitty. For snapping at you, and for not considering your daughter before I started that argument.
But— I'm not sorry for what I said to Queenie,He sighed, hating that he'd said that, hating that he couldn't just shut up and maybe not ruin something for once. But maybe he'd already ruined their friendship— maybe it was too late anyway, and he was fooling himself at this point. Like he had with Aditya. The next words to tumble from him were unbidden, slightly raw—
I wish I could be— but only for your sake, honestly.
RE: aaaaaaaaaaa - Ariel - July 17, 2018
alarian doesn't react -- as the seconds tick by delight thinks, oh, i've really gone and mucked it up, he won't even speak to me now. he's on the verge of retreat when finally the governor speaks, immediately sending delight into a fluster. 'your eyes are pretty'? what is he meant to do with that? he opens his mouth but no words come out, only a very small squeak: aiee.
the sorry goes right past him, still stuck on pretty, but he manages to come back to himself in time to hear what alarian actually has to say. (pretty?) if he was gobsmacked by the compliment, he's -- no, he's still gobsmacked by the compliment. but the apology is also unexpected.
delight clears his throat and nods, struggling to find his voice for a moment. "no, i -- you don't have to apologise," he says, a little desperately, "i -- i needed that, ali. to be -- i really have no idea what i'm doing and i trust -- trusted queenie to handle it and that was shitty of me." he could've done more from the jump -- could've actually talked to eris for advice, could've kept a better eye on things, could've pushed queenie to take eris' offer up in the first place. he shakes his head. when he speaks, his voice is steadier.
"i don't expect you to be sorry about queenie, either," he says, fighting the urge to retreat. "i mean, i -- it's hard. but. you -- it's your pack, and -- and, um, you have to do... what's best. and i'm, i'm with you," the androgyne bursts out before he can help himself, both relieved and regretful that it's true, that he can't be proper and stand by queenie's side like he's probably supposed to. but the sort of.. leadership she wants -- well, he's never been able to give her that. it was all fun when it was just the two of them (even when it wasn't, he thinks, remembering their fight after queenie's badly-gone promotion) -- but bracken isn't tindómë, and -- he has to think of his babies, too. whatever that...means. for the future. he wants to go back to bed very badly.
RE: aaaaaaaaaaa - Alarian - July 18, 2018
His ears heated slightly when he fully registered Delight's— uh, squeak. That was really cute. He clenched his teeth together to ensure this time he wouldn't accidentally tell him that— how had that even happened the first time? Ugh. But Delight was speaking, now, and it wasn't exactly what Alarian had expected.
It was a lot to take in at once, but the last few words struck him the most. He paused again, blinking.
He swallowed, glancing away for a beat and trying to convince himself it was true; just because Delight had more or less given him permission didn't mean he could go kick her out right now. Even if he wanted to.
Alarian paused.
It was a lot to take in at once, but the last few words struck him the most. He paused again, blinking.
Oh. I—Alarian let out a breath, a faint, slightly sad smile tugging at his features briefly. He'd expected his friend to stand by Queenie unconditionally; she was the mother of his children, the only one who'd followed him from Tindómë— but maybe he was seeing that she was also a cold-hearted bitch, that she didn't care about anyone but herself.
I didn't want to do anything to hurt you— or your children,He admitted, realizing at once that he wouldn't have. He wanted to think he valued his pride more than that, but— honestly, he didn't.
I still don't. I'm not going to— do anything this time. Even if she doesn't care about them, the pups need her, at least right now.
He swallowed, glancing away for a beat and trying to convince himself it was true; just because Delight had more or less given him permission didn't mean he could go kick her out right now. Even if he wanted to.
If there's a next time, I can't let it go. But that sounds even messier than things are now— so I hope she takes care of your children, and I hope she learns to at least keep quiet about how much she hates me.
Alarian paused.
Thank you— for... understanding.For not turning your back on me. He sighed quietly, his next words soft and sincere.
I feel terrible for making things more difficult for you.
RE: aaaaaaaaaaa - Ariel - July 19, 2018
when alarian finishes speaking delight is quiet for a moment. he's at once grateful and guilty, pulled in opposite directions. finally he says, "it's fine," and shrugs, deflecting, but pauses. he's never really -- talked to alarian. about queenie. about tindómë. hell, he never even told him that he was the father of his children, leaving it implied until it couldn't be denied any longer, because something about the idea of alarian looking at him and thinking about him and queenie made him feel... wrong, somehow.
"i love queenie," delight says, sucking in a breath, "she was, is.. was? my best friend. one of our first conversations was about how neither of us wanted kids, ironically." he smiles wryly, letting the self-deprecation shine clear in his tone, his expression. i don't really deserve your compassion. "then she went into heat and -- honestly, i have no idea what she was thinking or what i was thinking. or, well, no. i was thinking maybe this will be enough to bring mato back to me. and then tindómë was falling apart all around me and i was never supposed to be it's sole leader in the first place--"
he lets out the breath he'd been holding, color rushing to his face. this is not what he'd meant to say. (hopefully) before alarian can react, he adds, "my -- my point is. it's not like -- we've always been very different, queenie and i. and i love her but we're ... we want different things, i think. and i put her in this situation so it's my responsibility too, so don't -- apologise to me, y'know?"
RE: aaaaaaaaaaa - Alarian - July 19, 2018
He didn't really— want to hear any of that, actually. He listened quietly, gaze averting from Delight the moment he said love; something twisted and scathing writhed in his chest at the word, at hearing it about her. Alarian swallowed hard as the transition was made to the topic of the pups, then Mato, then— fuck, fuck, why was he still talking?
Questions bubbled to the surface, biting ones; how would having pups with someone else bring anyone back to you? Why do that if the pack was already falling apart, if you already had too much responsibility? Why come here and make this hurt me too?
But the last was his own fault— just Ali being stupid again, as usual. He couldn't blame Delight for the fact that he'd agreed to it, or for his own feelings— he was admitting those now, fully, because boy did getting whacked on the head that hard really put things in perspective; at least, to himself. He could definitely never tell Delight (hey, I know I have a pretty intense rivalry going with the mother of your children and also I almost die every other Tuesday but, wanna go on a date?).
No. None of this was supposed to matter to him— but it did, and he didn't think he could handle it. When he registered that Delight had finished, he glanced up and nodded; he'd never been very good at acting, but he knew, at least, how to shut down. So he did. His gaze flitted back to the ground, and no more words came. "I love Queenie" replayed in his head, and though Delight had already acknowledged Alarian's authority in this, all he could think was— I can never compete with that.
He kind of hated himself for wanting to at all.
Questions bubbled to the surface, biting ones; how would having pups with someone else bring anyone back to you? Why do that if the pack was already falling apart, if you already had too much responsibility? Why come here and make this hurt me too?
But the last was his own fault— just Ali being stupid again, as usual. He couldn't blame Delight for the fact that he'd agreed to it, or for his own feelings— he was admitting those now, fully, because boy did getting whacked on the head that hard really put things in perspective; at least, to himself. He could definitely never tell Delight (hey, I know I have a pretty intense rivalry going with the mother of your children and also I almost die every other Tuesday but, wanna go on a date?).
No. None of this was supposed to matter to him— but it did, and he didn't think he could handle it. When he registered that Delight had finished, he glanced up and nodded; he'd never been very good at acting, but he knew, at least, how to shut down. So he did. His gaze flitted back to the ground, and no more words came. "I love Queenie" replayed in his head, and though Delight had already acknowledged Alarian's authority in this, all he could think was— I can never compete with that.
He kind of hated himself for wanting to at all.
RE: aaaaaaaaaaa - Ariel - July 19, 2018
oh he's definitely said something wrong. he watches alarian's eyes avert, watches his expression fold back in on itself -- a flower reversing its bloom, he thinks dazedly -- as his own stomach twists. good going singing-sunlight, you always did have a particular gift for shooting yourself in the foot.
"okay, fine, i accept your apology," the chancellor says teasingly, trying to win back the affection in the air. mato had been to delight a moon: glowing, gleaming, always out of reach, cold and beautiful and capable of turning tides. alarian is not like this, he's not like a moon or a sun or a star at all, there's a volatility to him that delight is always caught by, always surprised. like -- like a sudden thunder storm on a sweltering summer day, like a late-come blizzard blanketing still fresh spring blooms. the attempt at humor dies in his face as he too looks away, adding sheepishly, "when i say we want different things, i mean i think i want the same things as you, alarian."
RE: aaaaaaaaaaa - Alarian - July 19, 2018
stfg this language metaphor is familiar but i cant remember where ive stolen it from
Perhaps if he could have known what Delight was thinking, his own thoughts would have been different— no, they definitely would have. Staring at the ground, he could only think that this was unfair.
Alarian had been in a relationship before, obviously— actually, he'd been in several. They never ended well— but he'd never been with anyone like Delight. Honestly, he'd never really... taken the time to become friends, first— to discover who someone was before, y'know. This time it was different. This time, he thought there was a connection— as if he'd been speaking a different language than everyone around him his entire life, and only realized it when he met someone who shared it. It wasn't anywhere near complete understanding, but— it was perhaps the opportunity he'd never had to achieve these things.
More likely he was just being too idealistic again. It didn't matter either way; so many things stood in the way, himself included (but mainly Queenie), and he didn't even know if Delight felt the same— or if he was just imagining things because he wanted it so badly. It wouldn't have been the first time.
The teasing words drew him from his thoughts, and he snorted softly, offering Delight a smile. Before he could say anything, though, he was speaking again, and— oh. Wait— what? What did that mean? What things was he talking about? Oh god— what?
![[Image: bluescreen-t.jpg]](https://www.1and1.com/digitalguide/fileadmin/DigitalGuide/Teaser/bluescreen-t.jpg)
His face went completely blank for a couple beats, but just as quickly he seemed to remember to— to breathe, to think, to say something.
Alarian had been in a relationship before, obviously— actually, he'd been in several. They never ended well— but he'd never been with anyone like Delight. Honestly, he'd never really... taken the time to become friends, first— to discover who someone was before, y'know. This time it was different. This time, he thought there was a connection— as if he'd been speaking a different language than everyone around him his entire life, and only realized it when he met someone who shared it. It wasn't anywhere near complete understanding, but— it was perhaps the opportunity he'd never had to achieve these things.
More likely he was just being too idealistic again. It didn't matter either way; so many things stood in the way, himself included (but mainly Queenie), and he didn't even know if Delight felt the same— or if he was just imagining things because he wanted it so badly. It wouldn't have been the first time.
The teasing words drew him from his thoughts, and he snorted softly, offering Delight a smile. Before he could say anything, though, he was speaking again, and— oh. Wait— what? What did that mean? What things was he talking about? Oh god— what?
Wh—Oh god, don't say what!
Um—Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh—
His face went completely blank for a couple beats, but just as quickly he seemed to remember to— to breathe, to think, to say something.
I'm— I'm glad,Alarian managed, voice a touch higher in pitch than normal— oh god, please don't notice. He still wasn't sure what things Delight was referring to, but— when in doubt, act like you know, right? Oh god, no, not right, Delight what are you talking about?
Butummmmmwhat uhh— what do we want again, exactly?
RE: aaaaaaaaaaa - Ariel - July 22, 2018
unaware of his affect on the other boy, delight watches him with mounting concern, worried that this has something to do with the lingering side-effects of his head injury. "do i need to," he starts, alarmed, but he doesn't get a chance to say call for zamael before his friend's face does a weird factory reset thing. he's witnessed alarian shut down, has seen the walls go up -- not like that, though. it's uncanny and brief, gone before he has a chance to react.
"um," the chancellor says, "like, the sanctuary? the sanctuary. are you okay?" still not entirely sure that he doesn't seem to summon zamael or eris to get alarian some medical attention.
RE: aaaaaaaaaaa - Alarian - July 25, 2018
Oh. Right. The Sanctuary. Actually, he hated that answer— truth be told, he didn't want the Sanctuary. At least, he didn't want to lead it; what he wanted was to crawl in a hole and die.
He wasn't sure what to say next; all he knew was that it had to be literally anything but the current topic.
Uh—He swallowed hard, realizing in an instant that his friend had given him an out.
I'm just— tired. I'll be fine.It wasn't a lie, technically.
He wasn't sure what to say next; all he knew was that it had to be literally anything but the current topic.
Um, Dawn came by— it uhh... it didn't go as bad as I thought it would,He swallowed, hating himself for choosing the worst goddamn change of subject. Oh well.
I guess we're allies with Morningside now.
RE: aaaaaaaaaaa - Ariel - August 01, 2018
slides this bad post in
he doesn't believe alarian completely but decides to drop it for now -- the governor wants to, anyway, given by how abruptly he changes tracks. to -- oh he doesn't want to talk about this. "dawn," he says, "that's -- aditya, right? the stuff with aditya." cool he didn't want to think about that. sucking in a breath he says "that's.. a good thing." i guess. ugh. "and i don't mind, y'know. talking to them in the future for you." because if nothing else he can at least do..diplomacy things. especially if that keeps alarian from talking to aditya.
RE: aaaaaaaaaaa - Alarian - September 05, 2018
Obviously that was the wrong thing to say.
It's okay,He murmured, brushing off the offer for the second time; there was still no way he wanted Delight around Aditya. Not in a million years. Rather than trying to revive the conversation, he let it die this time around, eventually repeating the excuse of being tired and slipping back into the safety of his den.