Broken Boulder you only hold me up like this 'cause you don't know who i really am

Zamael is gone. It hasn't been terribly long — three, four days? — but he's noticed already. His brother doesn't typically leave the Sanctuary for long, and Alarian is in no state to rationalize. Instead he'd waited anxiously for his return, forcing himself from his den to lurk miserably around the territory for a few days and allowing his fear and suspicion to fester quietly, half caught in a state of denial and half hysterical. He's overreacting, probably. Maybe Zamael just needs a break; he knows what that's like.
But as the sun goes down he finds himself pacing at the borders, thoughts tumbling too quickly for him to get a firm grasp on any of them. He's overreacting— he can't lose him again— what will Eris say?— he should've paid more attention to him— it's all the same, a torrent of regrets and self-loathing and doubt, and for the millionth time he's reminded that he'll never change. Now it's just a matter of waiting— eventually he'll cave, eventually he'll run off again and maybe he'll find Zamael (hopefully alive), or maybe he won't; maybe he'll abandon this life, too, for the search.
He needs to see @Delight. He can't even entertain the idea of telling him he's leaving, but he needs to talk to him. It seems too dramatic to think of it as the last time, so he doesn't. It's just a talk. It takes him a moment to gather the nerve, but finally he turns to find his partner, nauseous and a little overwhelmed with the possible weight of the situation.

the question of where alarian and he stand at any given moment is obfuscated from him, but delight's reached a point where he's given up trying to think too hard about it. so much has happened that's kept them both busy between adjusting to being a single (ish) parent to his brood (and they're getting to an age where they actually require his input) to seabreeze and her cohort's arrival with their own children.

delight makes himself easy to find, greeting his partner with a slow smile -- his mood has been vastly improved by seabreeze's presence, even if he hasn't had a chance to steal time with her yet. there is an anxiety to the way alarian is holding himself that makes his smile retreat, tilting his head instead. "what's up?" the chancellor asks, voice quiet, hoping it isn't anything -- hoping he's being overdramatic.

It's not difficult to find Delight, and he's not sure whether or not he's grateful for the fact until he meets his gaze. Zamael is gone, He manages to choke out, and then: And so is Ulf, and— Lily told me Vilkas is gone, too. It comes rushing out before he can stop it; he doesn't need to add and Queenie but he can feel it hanging in the air in the wake of his words. Everyone leaves— even if he's selfish enough to admit he mostly cares about his brother's disappearance, they all seem to stack on his chest like bricks.
It's been— I don't know, maybe three or four days? His eyes are bright with anxiety, but there's exhaustion behind it. He wants to seek comfort, but he doesn't deserve it. He can only stand there, gaze flitting to the earth between his paws. He doesn't usually— He swallows hard. It feels like I'm overreacting, but he hasn't left like this since he got here, and after— I'm just... scared.

so he isn't being overdramatic. he tries to imagine why zamael would have left -- zamael who is so close to alarian and so protective -- and can't come up with any (unless it's because of you a tiny ugly voice in his head says, he ignores). did something happen to him, then? another murderous sibling borne from the dirt of their shared history, or scorned ex, or furious enemy?

and he doesn't need it to be spelled out with that list of other disappearances. there are alarms ringing in his head, echoes of tindómë. cursed, cursed, cursed. ulf, vilkas, queenie, zamael --- anatha, brienne, euka, troy. "i'm sorry," delight murmurs, unable to stop the way self loathing contorts his voice from empathetic to mournful. "maybe it's my fault -- all of this, i mean. i'm a bad omen." he does not say cursed yet (though really, synonyms).

cautiously after his omission the androgyne climbs to his feet and moves towards his partner, seeking to press his nose against his golden cheek for comfort if allowed. "but zamael loves you so, so much," he says, desperate to reassure even still, "i don't think he'd leave you forever."

Of course Delight finds a way to blame himself, and for a moment it's a little exasperating, but the feeling is lost as his partner's melancholy fully registers. He swallows, uncertain how to comfort him, but he's momentarily saved having to react when Delight moves forward with words probably meant to be reassuring. They hurt instead. Zamael had already left him forever once— at least, he'd meant to, even if he'd apparently changed his mind. Is it such a stretch to think he might change his mind again?
He leans into the touch anyway, closing his eyes for a moment. It's not you, He says after a long moment, a little too strung out to sound as firm as he'd like to. He wants to give voice to the reasons he knows are behind the others' disappearances, but they're all his fault in a reality-based world (sorry Delight) and it hurts too much to say it right now. Instead he says, He left once already— when I needed him. I don't know that he wouldn't again, and I—
Again he swallows, this time around an aching lump in his throat. I can't lose him again. There's a finality to his tone that he hadn't intended, but he means every word.

he casts his gaze against him, willing to drop his point even if he doesn't agree -- either it's him symbolically or it's him literally, the usurper of alarian's affections. more important: this bit of history to add to his meager collection (a quilt of implications and sentence fragments -- patchwork, but delight is decent enough to read it). "but," he says carefully, "even then, he didn't leave forever, did he? he came back to find you."

it doesn't matter. the androgyne hears that tone and knows exactly what his lover means. he swallows. "alarian," delight says, willing for once they drag their game into the open, "you aren't going to run off and look for him." there is no question though are you? worries the line of his mouth, furrows his brows. part of him thinks: maybe i should be grateful he is warning me this time, but the bigger, meaner part thinks: there is a limit.

delight has hit his.

He shakes his head slightly; Delight doesn't get it. Of course it hasn't been said out loud — he doesn't have the guts and maybe Zamael doesn't either, or maybe he thinks Alarian will just forget it — but he knows his brother hadn't intended on returning the first time. Abandonment isn't something that can be taken back — once the decision has been made, he's found, that will always be the choice in the end. He's just not willing to give up on Zamael.
His first instinct is to feel a little offended by Delight's next words. You're not my keeper, he almost snaps, but he hesitates, and that extra moment is enough time for the guilt to set in. He swallows hard. I still need him, He says, maybe not fully convinced himself but desperate to hold on to it; finding Zamael was supposed to make everything better, it still can if he can just find him again.
It's stupid but he's the only one who really — understands why I am the way I am, It's a painful confession, mostly for having to admit he is a way — it's different, he thinks, when he's being self-deprecating. Right now it's just cold reality. And I don't... want to be without that again. Even if he'd neglected it while he had it.

alarian's words force his mouth into a grimace, his thoughts too quick for a moment for his feelings to catch up. he knows he has to say what he wants to say exactly right. any margin of error lets the golden governor slip from his grasp, lets him misunderstand -- willfully or otherwise.

delight pulls back so he may look alarian in the face as he speaks, an urgency pressing his voice. "i could be that to you, too." pause, letting it sink it. "not -- not to replace zamael, never to replace. to supplement. in addition," he lets a smile pull the tired lines of his face back briefly, letting a little tenderness come through. he'd spoken about this very thing with zamael, hadn't he? "but," here it is, the tightrope, "you can't keep avoiding me. running off and leaving me behind -- alarian." deep breath. "you may still need him, but i need you. present with me. open with me." anxiously he searches for his partner's gaze, afraid of what he'll find but needing to know -- because if alarian can't meet him here with this, even a little, their relationship already has an end date, and delight knows it.

He winces a little at Delight's grimace, preparing for the worst as his partner pulls away from him. What he actually receives... isn't the worst, he thinks, but his anxiety spikes nonetheless. Maybe he's not ready for this; maybe he can't handle opening up like he'd thought he could. He cares about Delight, but in that moment he can't imagine letting him in the way he's let Zamael in.
But that moment passes as he listens, swallowing hard and shifting a little on his paws. This is what he'd signed up for, right? And — I haven't been— He cuts himself off, realizing all at once that yes, he sort of has been avoiding Delight. He sighs softly. I'm sorry. I'm not avoiding you on purpose. I don't — He swallows hard again, searching for the words to express what he wants to.
I want you to be that to me, He admits after a few beats. And I want to understand you that way, too. I've just been really... tired, lately. Fogged, I guess. I'm sorry. I know it's a — a shitty start to a relationship. Suddenly he feels fragile, like thin glass ready to shatter any moment; he can't seem to stop finding ways to fuck this up, can he? And now he knows he can't look for Zamael — he can't leave this. If Zamael has abandoned him again, maybe that's the way it's meant to be.
Delight is here, still, somehow. That has to mean something, and he has to stop ignoring it. He shifts again, glancing down to the ground. I won't leave, He says after another brief pause, and takes a breath. He can fix avoiding Delight easily enough, he thinks — maybe. But opening up? Where the hell does he start with that? Now? No, not now. Hopefully.

TAKE TWO

immediately he recognizes alarian's admission and feels silly at himself for not realising sooner. he can't help his frown but it is not scolding, rather empathetic and a touch regretful -- echoes of a conversation they'd had months ago only in reverse order beat around his skull.

there is a pause before he speaks again, his voice softer. "hey," he tries, "don't be sorry. i understand fogged pretty well, i think." still gentle he moves closer again, seeking to lick his cheek below his ruined eye, groom carefully there. delight wishes he had not brought up avoidance at all, or at least framed it in better terms instead of letting his panic rule him. unfortunately for both of them he is a panic ruled creature. "you've been through a lot," he murmurs, "it's okay that you feel tired or -- or anything else about it, really. i think you've earned the right." after all, delight has only been present through a fraction of alarian's trauma and that alone would be enough to throw weaker wolves into distemper, let alone the boundless unsaid things that the chancellor has only caught glimpses of. perhaps if he'd met alarian when he first came to the teekons, his family's demise still fresh in his mind, he would have been a lot less self absorbed about the whole thing.

"thank you for staying," he says as he pulls back -- only a little, still noses touched if allowed. "you don't have to talk about -- anything if you don't want to, not yet, but... how are you feeling? besides tired?"

Delight's response isn't what he'd expected; he's not used to anyone being so... gentle with him. His breath hitches a little and he leans into the touch, closing his eyes as he tries to take in what his partner is saying. It's hard to comprehend anything over his own relief, his still-racing thoughts, but he gets the gist of it. At least enough to try to answer his question.
Odd, He answers quietly, unable to describe it another way for the moment. Sucking in a breath, he moves to softly bury his face in Delight's neck fur; if the touch is allowed, his next words are slightly muffled. Sad, I guess, but like — numb, too. But — He pauses, searching once more for the right words, and this time it's a little more difficult.
I'm glad you're here, He settles finally, but it still doesn't quite feel adequate, so he presses a little closer to Delight and hopes he understands the depth of it anyway.

for once alarian directly answers him -- it's not a poetic sweeping answer but it is honest and he appreciates that, rewarding him with kisses to his ears, neck, wherever he can reach. "i've never had to go through what you have," he murmurs, "but... after my family was lost to me, i stumbled through a fog for a long time, hiding under -- bitterness and self-loathing. because i felt guilty for not dying with them." wryly he smiles, his mouth pressed against his lover's neck so that he may feel it rather than see it. "but now i'm relieved to have survived -- my survival led me here. let me to you."

he does not move to pull away but falls silent for a few moments, listening to the soothing sound of alarian's breath. "i'm glad you're here, too. thank you for being in my life, alarian."

He's soothed by the kisses that follow his words, but the feeling of being overwhelmed creeps back up on him as Delight speaks. It's just too much emotion, and he's still not sure how to handle it — then he says thank you for being in my life and that's pretty far beyond too much but he's never needed to hear anything more, even if he doesn't deserve it. He doesn't know what to say at first.
I should be thanking you, He tells him after a couple beats of silence, pulling away to meet his gaze. You've been through a lot too, Delight — and I would've understood if you didn't want to take a risk with this, especially since I've been so stupid — but you're still here. Oh god, where is he going with this again? Shit.
Um, I guess what I'm trying to say is — thank you for trying even though we've had a rough beginning, He regrets opening his dumb mouth at all at this point, so half to shut himself up he presses a few soft kisses to Delight's cheek. Still, he can't stop himself from murmuring something he knows he'll regret even more: I won't leave you again if I can help it. Not for more than a couple days — I promise.
It feels strangely like signing away his freedom, because if he hadn't made the promise so directly he could have pretended it wasn't implied from promising not to leave this time (nevermind that he's not actually supposed to leave the Sanctuary that long anyway). But it's done now, and despite the feeling of finality, he doesn't mind as much as he might have thought. At least not yet.

a laugh is pulled from him, surprising him. "you should be thanking me," delight murmurs, a playful lilt to his voice. he is bone tired -- so much they've gone through in so little time. he still thinks alarian's had it worse than him, but -- but hell, he'll concede easily, he's been through the ringer himself. sighing, the singing-sunlight leans into his embrace, letting his eyes shut for a moment.

"if you do go, a heads up would be nice," the chancellor murmurs, "mostly so i know how long to wait before i start panicking you've gone off and nearly died again." again he is playful -- but there is an edge of real vulnerability there. delight "abandonment complex" singing-sunlight -- who'd've guessed he has an issue with his partners vanishing on him without word?he knows he can't keep alarian here forever, as nice as it'd be. alarian, who is so -- so flighty, though he means that lovingly. even queenie'd left him in the end, and she'd been a rock, if an unhappy one.

ugh. delight puts those thoughts out of his mind and buries his face in alarian's scruff. no more!