she looked so peaceful, looking up at the trees. he hated to disturb her.

but chaiyya was so intuitive, aditya knew that she knew he was there, just a few paces away. out of instinct, he gave a gentle whoof before approaching, smiling, his tail wagging slightly back and forth as he pulled up beside her. without ceremony, he lowered himself to the ground as well, though laying on his belly instead.

"feeling better?" he asked, a tinge of humor in his tone, which was overall kind. "you look like you're at least settling in well." enjoying the time off, no doubt. he didn't know her habits back home, but they had to be busier than this lackadaisical life, right?

aditya gave her a sympathetic smile, understanding completely. once upon a time, he had been at morningside recovering from injuries, too. back then, he hadn't known how long he would stay, if he would even stay at all. now, four seasons later, he was still here. . .but he knew very well the feeling of being trapped in a place not your own, with little ability to even pitch in.

"it'll get better," he said in response, but then she was speaking again--about him. oh. she had picked up on the exhaustion in his voice, the tired lines of his face. adi looked shyly away, face set in a grimace. he had been trying so hard not to let on how difficult this had all been--was he really failing so badly at that?

"it's no walk on the beach," adi responded with a smirk, rolling his eyes upward. "but. . .i have sunny--the old leader's son--helping me out, now. and dawn should be back around soon enough. it'll. . .it'll get better," he echoed his words to her, though much more lamely than before. he turned to her, then, gazing warmly at her.

"thank you, though," he murmured. "i haven't spoken much about it, at all. to anyone."

civilized as he was, aditya was still a brute. he was not immune to the power of a beautiful woman's touch. combined with her words--gentler than anything he'd heard from her before--he let out a sigh, shoulders sagging. looking straight ahead, afraid of what she'd see in his eyes.

desire? fear? . . .both?

"i couldn't ask that of you," adi murmured, feeling overwhelmingly guilty. that he'd even spilled his troubles to her was one thing, but this? he couldn't deny it was a gracious gesture--and any other time, he'd seize upon it with alacrity--but his pride was wounded, as of late. and this twisted the knife more than anything.

he gave her a sidelong glance, still not meeting her gaze directly. "this isn't your home--these wolves aren't your family," he continued. not to argue that she shouldn't consider the maplewood her home away from home. . .she certainly should! but-- "you have both of those, elsewhere. and you'll return to them soon. you don't need to repay me, chaiyya. i promise."

he wanted to groan. damn the woman, she was actually convincing him to do the unthinkable. how could he promote the newcomer over other capable members of the pack?

and yet--who was there left? their numbers had dwindled. shale would have been an obvious choice, but he was gone. pema, too--missing. grayday's second litter had all departed, and his third were too young. would sebastian take up the challenge? aviana? who was there left, that was capable and willing?

this girl beside him was capable. and more than willing. what would be his rationale, to turn her offer down?

"friends, yes," adi said softly, blinking over at her. a rueful smile stretched his mouth. "i need someone beside me that i can trust--that i know will have my back if times get even tougher than they already are. i don't even know your real name, chaiyya."

well, so what? so--it just proved that she had been evasive so far. how could he trust her completely if even the smallest of details had been omitted?

"alya ostrega," he repeated, resisting the urge to roll his eyes that he finally--finally!--had the shadow's name. the surname was new, but her given name was something that could have come from his mother's tongue. it felt oddly familiar in his mouth, and he held it there for a moment, not speaking until she jested.

aditya laughed, shaking his head. "it drove me mad, i'll tell you that," he admitted. "you would have gotten the nickname, anyway, but it was terrible not to have something real behind it." something that was hers. it had felt wrong, to label her otherwise.

but now he just felt foolish. foolish that he now had, once again, let his mouth carry him to a place he hadn't necessarily intended to go. his gaze raked the ground, searching for meaning in the leaves. when there was, of course, none there, he glanced back up, grimacing.

"god, it's been a hell of a summer," he sighed.

"shadow," he said with a smirk, gazing over her black fur. he relaxed slightly, listening to her speech. with every word, she became more and more genuine--not the secretive, sly girl she had been upon arrival, and before. aditya watched her with interest, eyes soft. he let out a gentle breath of laughter, a puff of air through his nostrils, at her ending sentiment, and sighed once more.

"you're right, alya," he responded, nodding slowly. he glanced out into the woods, looking at the leaves--just on the brink of changing color. "i should be more thankful that we survived at all. that i'm alive now, speaking to you. who knows when it could all go belly-up again?"

adi looked over at her, a gentle smile painting his face. "i hope you're happy here," he murmured. "even if it's not home. i hope that i've been able to give you a place to stay with some joy."

"bearable," he repeated, snorting a quiet burst of laughter. he was just about to rib her for it when her face grew sincere, and her words, too. ah. frozen in this moment, he stared at her, blinking slowly. a fine shiver ran over his skin, his pelt, and the hairs rose slightly. he closed his eyes for a beat and opened them again--

and saw coelacanth, her cerulean orbs before him, her ebony coat gleaming in the early autumn sunlight.

chikni raat.

aditya swallowed and blinked rapidly, several times in succession, and alya was there once more. all at once, he felt incredibly awful, and he ducked his head, unable to rein back the frown that touched his lips. he chuckled awkwardly, ruefully, barely a breath. ears twitching, the corners of his mouth trembling.

why must it always be her? why must he always see her?

"thank you," adi said briefly, managing the barest of smiles. "but you--" he was going to argue a counterpoint on how she was wrong, how he was not as good as he seemed. his love for seelie, his affair with alarian, his inability to keep this pack together. . .she was wrong. but how could he say that now, after she had spoken her truth?

"thank you, alya. i think it goes without saying that i feel the same about you."

and he did, really. but how much of his words were actually for the woman here, and not for the seawolf that danced in all of his dreams?

it would be easy to give in. to use this girl to alleviate the pain, to fashion her into the images that haunted his mind. to imagine her sleeker, and scented with salt. there was a part of him that found her incredibly enticing, but an even larger part still hung up on wheeling gull isle. even after all this time, and after all of the changes. he couldn't stop.

aditya leaned forward and pressed his muzzle against her cheek, lingering against the soft, warm fur there for a few moments. when he pulled away, there were broken things in his eyes.

"there's something i have to do," he whispered, feeling like an absolute wreck. he shook his head. "i can't talk about this right now--i can't do this right now. not yet. not until i know." he was rambling absolute nonsense at her, words that only made sense in his head. adi rose to his feet, legs trembling, his body clumsy with fear and with desire barely checked.

"i can't--i'm sorry--"

and he crashed away into the brush, tail all but tucked between his legs.