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+--- Thread: Blacktail Deer Plateau So consumed by all this hurt (/showthread.php?tid=30160)
So consumed by all this hurt - Síff - October 12, 2018
She didn't recall running.
One moment she was turning away from Kavik, the next flying through their territory.
She was reckless, paws slipping and sliding on the needles with desperation. Once, she tripped over the creeping root of a pine - her odd number of legs leaving her unable to catch herself. She crashed to the ground with an angry sob - shaking it free of her bad leg with little care if she hurt herself before lurching to her feet again.
Nothing could hurt more than this.
Her mind didn't seem to know how to make sense of the pain - there was no physical location but it was crushing her. Instinct called for her to go in the opposite direction, Kavik had soothed so many bad memories that she wanted him. Half of her demanded that she return, bury herself in his embrace and forget.
The other half forced her deeper into the forest, to a stretch of the stream that was less frequented. It was choked with broken branches from a recent storm, Liri's sore eyes watching them drift by as she approached the stream.
The fae sat by the water - shoulders hunched as her face crumpled. A howl of sadness bubbled up in her throat as her head dropped forward, for it was instinct to call her sorrows to the sky, but she held it in with a shuddering breath - curling on the edge of the bank despondently.
Her mahogany gaze fell to the still water without meaning to, finding her own reflection there. She flinched, for she had avoided still water for so long she'd forgotten what she looked like. After the initial shock, Liri leaned closer to take a good look.
She was not pleased by what she saw.
Useless. Crippled. Weak.
With a savage snarl, she lurched to her paws and slashed a paw across the surface of the murky water before collapsing to the ground under the weight of her self loathing. She buried her face in her forelegs, wanting to see no more, and fell apart.
RE: So consumed by all this hurt - RIP Kavik - October 12, 2018
He ran through the trees, attempting to follow her trail through the crushing guilt he felt. He just needed to find her. He didn't know what he would he would say, but he needed to try and rectify this, or at the very least, make sure she didn't suffer alone.
Kavik searched for what seemed like hours, his grief and worry making the time pass agonizingly slow. He kept his nose to the ground for most of the journey until he heard the sound of the river and stopped. He looked up and saw her pale, sobbing form crumpled near the water's edge. She looked so small. He had to swallow bile once more as a wave of grief moved through him at seeing her hurt so much because of his actions. He took quiet, slow steps towards her, afraid if he moved too quickly, she would run again. When he reached her, he attempted to lie down next to her and curl around her if she would even let him touch her, an inconsolable whine leaving him as he moved. He would do anything--ANYTHING to earn her forgiveness and keep her from leaving him. He was nothing without her.
Kavik searched for what seemed like hours, his grief and worry making the time pass agonizingly slow. He kept his nose to the ground for most of the journey until he heard the sound of the river and stopped. He looked up and saw her pale, sobbing form crumpled near the water's edge. She looked so small. He had to swallow bile once more as a wave of grief moved through him at seeing her hurt so much because of his actions. He took quiet, slow steps towards her, afraid if he moved too quickly, she would run again. When he reached her, he attempted to lie down next to her and curl around her if she would even let him touch her, an inconsolable whine leaving him as he moved. He would do anything--ANYTHING to earn her forgiveness and keep her from leaving him. He was nothing without her.
RE: So consumed by all this hurt - Síff - October 12, 2018
She didn't hear him approach. She didn't look up, so consumed was she by the utter hatred of herself.
She flinched at the warmth that wrapped around her, shuddering in response. A heartbeat passed and she recognized the scent of her mate.
Liri didn't withdraw but neither did she lean into his touch. She curled further into herself - shielding her face from him as she struggled to compose herself. When at last her sobs had died into only a faint headache and a hollow feeling had settled in her chest, she wiped her face discreetly and rose.
The sylph turned her back on him, setting by the stream and staring down at her reflection once more. Disgust filled her.
"I knew she was ambitious but to go after you," Liri murmured, her head shaking.
Grezig had proven her suspicions. Liri would not bother her - if only because she could not explain it to the rest of them. But the Beta was no longer trustworthy to the leader, not if she was willing to proposition her husband.
"What do you want Kavik? Cause it's obviously not me," she asked him with a sigh, her eyes closing.
Why would he? They were right about her. It didn't matter that she hadn't asked for these scars, it never mattered. The world would always just see a damaged woman, a burden. Had she really been that blind, to believe that someone like Kavik would love her? Of course, he would want to fuck Grezig, she thought to herself viciously, punishing herself.
She isn't broken.
RE: So consumed by all this hurt - RIP Kavik - October 12, 2018
He stayed wrapped around her even when she didn't lean into him like she normally would. He deserved that--more than that. He let her cry, saying nothing because there was nothing he could say right now. At some point, silent tears left his own eyes and rolled down his inky cheeks, the feeling foreign as he tried to remember the last time he cried. How could he have hurt her so much; it was just more proof that he didn't deserve her.
He sat up with her and stared at her back as she spoke. He didn't quite understand what she meant, but he decided now was definitely not the time to speak in favor of the beta's character. New guilt flooded his chest at the thought of how upset Grezig had been. He was sure that was also his fault even though he didn't understand where her outburst had come from. That wasn't important now, unfortunately. He was far more concerned with the mess he had made in his relationship with Liri, and it would be his number one goal to repair the damage he caused.
Her question shocked him, but only briefly because understanding soon found him. Of course she would draw that conclusion, and it killed him. He moved to sit next to her.
He sat up with her and stared at her back as she spoke. He didn't quite understand what she meant, but he decided now was definitely not the time to speak in favor of the beta's character. New guilt flooded his chest at the thought of how upset Grezig had been. He was sure that was also his fault even though he didn't understand where her outburst had come from. That wasn't important now, unfortunately. He was far more concerned with the mess he had made in his relationship with Liri, and it would be his number one goal to repair the damage he caused.
Her question shocked him, but only briefly because understanding soon found him. Of course she would draw that conclusion, and it killed him. He moved to sit next to her.
Liri,he whispered, closing his eyes.
I only want you,he added with determination, his voice raising above a whisper now and his gaze boring into her and urging her to look at him.
This wasn't about anything other helping my friend,he began.
Please,Kavik begged.
I love you and only you.Moisture filled his eyes again. He couldn't find the right words to express just how much he loved and worshiped the beautiful wolf in front of him. He closed his eyes and looked down.
Please,was all he could get out. please don't leave me.
RE: So consumed by all this hurt - Síff - October 12, 2018
She turned at his words, searching for any sign that he his words were false. At the next string of words, her eyes closed again.
How can he not know?
"And why did she need your help, exactly?" She asked him without malice, her voice nothing more than tired. If he couldn't see what was in front of him, then Liri would not shame the Beta by revealing what was obvious - even in her anger. "Why not Issun or Siqsa? Or even a lone wolf? Why was it so important that you, a male who is already taken and will have a family of his own in the spring, be the one to give her children?"
She strode toward him, standing toe to toe with the shadow as if daring him to deny it. The whole situation was pointless, she cared nothing about what position Grezig held in their pack.
The fact that hurt her was that Kavik could have said no, he could have told her to find any other male as Liri would have, but he didn't. He agreed.
"If you ever..." Her eyes squeezed shut, her head falling forward wearily as the whisper left her lips. "If you ever agree to sleep with another woman, regardless of the reason.."
She turned away, unable to finish, the thought enough to choke her words in her throat. Her eyes seemed to finish the thought as they met his own resolutely, promising that she wouldn't take this kind of slight again.
RE: So consumed by all this hurt - RIP Kavik - October 12, 2018
Kavik thought his friend had asked him over any of the other males because she trusted him, but when Liri put it that way, he couldn't help but see the situation for what it was. He looked away from her, thinking back on everything. He and Grezig were close, but she had never done anything that implied she had feelings for him. Had he just been blinded by his trust in the beta? Still, he couldn't imagine her doing anything with the goal to intentionally hurt them. He my have missed her feelings for him, but he knew she wasn't cruel enough to plot all of this out. Her emotional outburst from earlier now made a lot more sense, though.
He watched her walk towards him, ready to take whatever punishment she saw fit. What she said made him sigh and turn his head. When she said it that way, there was no denying how ridiculous it was to have even asked any of this from her. But, she was still here and talking to him, so hopefully she would let him fix things. He did not miss her hidden promise, though; if he ever did this again, she would leave him. His gaze was apologetic as it met her resolute stare. He moved closer to her and attempted to nuzzle her cheek, needing to feel her warmth against his skin.
I'm sorry...I had no idea she thought of me as anything other than a friend.He paused, considering the best way to say what he felt needed to be said.
I do not think she meant for any of this to happen,he said quietly before quickly adding,
But, I only think of her as a friend and beta--nothing else.He was afraid his words would earn him her wrath once more, but he needed to try and clear this mess up if possible.
He watched her walk towards him, ready to take whatever punishment she saw fit. What she said made him sigh and turn his head. When she said it that way, there was no denying how ridiculous it was to have even asked any of this from her. But, she was still here and talking to him, so hopefully she would let him fix things. He did not miss her hidden promise, though; if he ever did this again, she would leave him. His gaze was apologetic as it met her resolute stare. He moved closer to her and attempted to nuzzle her cheek, needing to feel her warmth against his skin.
I'm so sorry,he murmured. It was all he could say, and he would say it with words and actions for as long as it took for her to forgive him.
RE: So consumed by all this hurt - Síff - October 12, 2018
Hesitantly, her head sought to drape over his shoulder in a hug.
With a sigh, she closed her eyes, burying her face in the crook of his neck. His scent soothed her frayed nerves, though it was sometime before the trembling that seemed to take hold of her stopped.
Liri couldn't pretend that she understood. Regardless of any friend's wish, she could not even fathom the idea of being with someone else. There was only so much you could do for others and even Liri, who was rather kind, could not do that.
She imagined if she had agreed, if when Grezig came into heat Liri was expected to stay at home in their den while Kavik left for a few days to lie with their Beta - possibly already pregnant with his pups depending on the heat cycles of the two females. It was enough to make her stomach churn. How could they think it was a good idea at all?
"No, of course she didn't. I was just mad. Grezig wouldn't do that," she murmured against his dark coat, half to convince herself. She lapsed into silence, wanting nothing more than to linger within his hug.
RE: So consumed by all this hurt - RIP Kavik - October 12, 2018
His whole body relaxed in relief as she finally pressed into him and offered him a hug. He draped his own head over her back and held her for a while without saying anything. Her trembling tore at him, but it soon stopped, and thankful didn't begin to describe how he felt right then. Again, he felt as though he didn't deserve such an understanding mate.
When she spoke again, he nodded his agreement.
When she spoke again, he nodded his agreement.
You have every right to be mad. What I asked of you was crazy and hurtful,Kavik answered.
I'm so sorry,he said again, rubbing his muzzle soothingly on her back as he spoke.
I'll do anything to fix this,he added, sure that he sounded desperate at this point, but he didn't care; he just wanted to ease her hurt and reassure her that he would never cause her pain again.
RE: So consumed by all this hurt - Síff - October 12, 2018
She pressed tight against him - as if he could engulf her tiny form. Maybe if she hugged hard enough all her pieces would stay together, maybe she could forget the insecurity tearing at her heart - her reflection still burned into the back of her eyelids. Maybe if she just held him tightly enough, she could forget it all.
"Let's just go home," she whispered gaze lifting to the atrium in the distance over his shoulder. "We can worry about fixing things later," she murmured, thoughts turning to Grezig and the heartbroken expression she'd worn as she ran from them.
The leader pulled away, feeling cold and small, falling into step beside him.
wrap up?
RE: So consumed by all this hurt - RIP Kavik - October 12, 2018
Sounds good
She still sounded wrong, but he knew it would take time to get back to where they were--to fully convince her that she was truly all he wanted. He stood, nodding in agreement and waiting for her to take her place at his side. With a worried look in her direction, he began to head back to their den in quiet contemplation. He was filled with a slight sense of dread as he thought about the long-reaching consequences of his actions. She was still here with him, but he knew he was not yet forgiven.